Hank kicks some serious bottom.

I'm sure many people have heard or read this story. I came up with something very similar when I was younger when I was trying to explain to people why the Bible and why it seemed made up to me.

I'm using the sanitized version so that it doesn't contain the profanities in the real version.

I'm posting this not to belittle anyone, but just to show the believers a story that mirrors my thought process quite closely, and why people who don't already believe in the bible may find it a little hard to take seriously.

=======================

This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:
John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's butt with us."
Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His butt?"
John: "If you kiss Hank's butt, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the snot out of you."
Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"
John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His butt."
Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."
Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the butt?"
Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."
John: "Then come kiss Hank's butt with us."
Me: "Do you kiss Hank's butt often?"
Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."
Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?"
John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."
Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"
Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the snot out of you."
Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's butt, left town, and got the million dollars?"
John: "My mother kissed Hank's butt for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."
Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"
John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."
Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"
Mary: "Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."
Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"
John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"
Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."
John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's butt He'll kick the snot out of you."
Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..."
Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."
Me: "Then how do you kiss His butt?"
John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His butt. Other times we kiss Karl's butt, and he passes it on."
Me: "Who's Karl?"
Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's butt. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."
Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His butt, and that Hank would reward you?"
John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."
From the Desk of Karl

1. Kiss Hank's butt and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2. Use alcohol in moderation.
3. Kick the snot out of people who aren't like you.
4. Eat right.
5. Hank dictated this list Himself.
6. The moon is made of green cheese.
7. Everything Hank says is right.
8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9. Don't use alcohol.
10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11. Kiss Hank's butt or He'll kick the snot out of you.

Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."
Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."
Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."
John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."
Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"
Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."
Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the snot out of people just because they're different?"
Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."
Me: "How do you figure that?"
Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"
Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."
John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."
Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."
John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."
Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."
Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."
Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."
John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"
Me: "We do?"
Mary: "Of course we do, Item 7 says so."
Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"
John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."
Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"
Mary: She blushes.
John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."
Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"
John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."
Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"
Mary: She looks positively stricken.
John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"
Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"
Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."
John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."
Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."
Mary: She faints.
John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the snot out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's butt for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."
With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.

i read it all...then i thought i just wated my time. then i actualy read what you had to say before the story...and then it actually made sense. pretty interesting story.

bible = lol.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Hardcore Newbie

I'm sure many people have heard or read this story. I came up with something very similar when I was younger when I was trying to explain to people why the Bible and why it seemed made up to me.

I'm using the sanitized version so that it doesn't contain the profanities in the real version.

I'm posting this not to belittle anyone, but just to show the believers a story that mirrors my thought process quite closely, and why people who don't already believe in the bible may find it a little hard to take seriously.

=======================

This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:
John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's butt with us."
Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His butt?"
John: "If you kiss Hank's butt, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the snot out of you."
Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"
John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His butt."
Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."
Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the butt?"
Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."
John: "Then come kiss Hank's butt with us."
Me: "Do you kiss Hank's butt often?"
Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."
Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?"
John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."
Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"
Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the snot out of you."
Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's butt, left town, and got the million dollars?"
John: "My mother kissed Hank's butt for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."
Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"
John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."
Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"
Mary: "Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."
Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"
John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"
Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."
John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's butt He'll kick the snot out of you."
Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..."
Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."
Me: "Then how do you kiss His butt?"
John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His butt. Other times we kiss Karl's butt, and he passes it on."
Me: "Who's Karl?"
Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's butt. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."
Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His butt, and that Hank would reward you?"
John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."
From the Desk of Karl

1. Kiss Hank's butt and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2. Use alcohol in moderation.
3. Kick the snot out of people who aren't like you.
4. Eat right.
5. Hank dictated this list Himself.
6. The moon is made of green cheese.
7. Everything Hank says is right.
8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9. Don't use alcohol.
10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11. Kiss Hank's butt or He'll kick the snot out of you.

Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."
Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."
Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."
John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."
Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"
Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."
Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the snot out of people just because they're different?"
Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."
Me: "How do you figure that?"
Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"
Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."
John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."
Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."
John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."
Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."
Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."
Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."
John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"
Me: "We do?"
Mary: "Of course we do, Item 7 says so."
Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"
John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."
Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"
Mary: She blushes.
John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."
Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"
John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."
Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"
Mary: She looks positively stricken.
John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"
Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"
Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."
John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."
Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."
Mary: She faints.
John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the snot out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's butt for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."
With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.

---

oh hardcore what am I going to do with you.:cool:

I dunno, what are you going to do with me? I shouldn't be scared, should I?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Hardcore Newbie

I dunno, what are you going to do with me? I shouldn't be scared, should I?

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ha ha.:)

hardcore newbie, mabey Iam old and out of touch, but who is kimbo peppers?
that picture cracks me up, I know this does not relate to the subject at hand
but that piture well............

Copied and pasted, since someone else had the same question

"Kimbo Peppers is a combination of Brian Peppers and Kimbo Slice.

Both of these people are very popular avatars on another message board I go to about mixed martial arts fighting, so I combined the two to make the most ultimate popular avatar ever. Everyone who sees it on the other site laughs their ass off because I've combined the two most popular avatars, but it loses some of it's flair on this site. Only two people that I know of even knew who these people were"

If you visit my profile, you'll see an "iToke" picture that I've made, which I might go back to, since it's a bit more relevant on this site :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Hardcore Newbie

Copied and pasted, since someone else had the same question

"Kimbo Peppers is a combination of Brian Peppers and Kimbo Slice.

Both of these people are very popular avatars on another message board I go to about mixed martial arts fighting, so I combined the two to make the most ultimate popular avatar ever. Everyone who sees it on the other site laughs their ass off because I've combined the two most popular avatars, but it loses some of it's flair on this site. Only two people that I know of even knew who these people were"

If you visit my profile, you'll see an "iToke" picture that I've made, which I might go back to, since it's a bit more relevant on this site :)

---

oh.

That amuses me greatly.


YUO WIN!!!!1

Hardcore Newbie,

Your arguement is not realisticly compared to the bible. There is no evidence that Hank existed outside of the pathetic letter from Hank and two people. But there is evidence for God everywhere. Real Christians don't believe in God just because someone walks up to us and says so.

As for the 11 commandments of Hank, there is no evidence of this in our hearts either.

So Gods word has lots of evidence. Hanks words cannot be confirmed because of lack of evidence. Big difference.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by natureisawesome

Hardcore Newbie,

Your arguement is not realisticly compared to the bible. There is no evidence that Hank existed outside of the pathetic letter from Hank and two people. But there is evidence for God everywhere. Real Christians don't believe in God just because someone walks up to us and says so.

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I guess you missed the part with Karl? John's Mother was also a believer. How about if the whole town were believers? We can change the story to make it work. And if it's about the number of believers, then I guess Santa Claus is real too. I'm sure kids have Santa in their heart (evidence, as you've call it many times).

Quote:

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Originally Posted by natureisawesome

As for the 11 commandments of Hank, there is no evidence of this in our hearts either.

---

I'm sure kids have Santa in their heart too (evidence, as you've call it many times).

And not working on the sabbath is commandment we find within our hearts? What is in people's hearts is *again* subjective. Different people have different things in their heart.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by natureisawesome

So Gods word has lots of evidence. Hanks words cannot be confirmed because of lack of evidence. Big difference.

---

[quote=natureisawesome]
These people take it as evidence because it's in their heart. No different than you.

Quote:

Quote:

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by natureisawesome

Hardcore Newbie,

Your argument is not realistically compared to the bible. There is no evidence that Hank existed outside of the pathetic letter from Hank and two people. But there is evidence for God everywhere. Real Christians don't believe in God just because someone walks up to us and says so.

---

I guess you missed the part with Karl? John's Mother was also a believer. How about if the whole town were believers? We can change the story to make it work. And if it's about the number of believers, then I guess Santa Claus is real too. I'm sure kids have Santa in their heart (evidence, as you've call it many times).

---

The Bible goes a lot further than just some people who believe something for no reason. There is no eternal nature of Santa.

Quote:

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by natureisawesome
As for the 11 commandments of Hank, there is no evidence of this in our hearts either

---

.

I'm sure kids have Santa in their heart too (evidence, as you've call it many times).

And not working on the sabbath is commandment we find within our hearts? What is in people's hearts is *again* subjective. Different people have different things in their heart.

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Yes, not working on the Sabbath is a commandment you can recognize in your heart. Different people put things in their heart but you can't take your conscience out.

Quote:

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by natureisawesome
So Gods word has lots of evidence. Hanks words cannot be confirmed because of lack of evidence. Big difference.

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These people take it as evidence because it's in their heart. No different than you.

---

There is no enternal nature of Hank, and his laws are not in our hearts. Hank is not God.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by natureisawesome

The Bible goes a lot further than just some people who believe something for no reason. There is no eternal nature of Santa.

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Does it? some of the things, sure, they have reasons. What's so important about observing the sabbath? is it so important that it's in the "top 10" of things to do and keep in mind?

and so what if santa doesn't have eternal nature, are you denying that he can be in a child's heart?

this

Quote:

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Originally Posted by natureisawesome

Yes, not working on the Sabbath is a commandment you can recognize in your heart. Different people put things in their heart but you can't take your conscience out.

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contradicts this

Quote:

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Originally Posted by natureisawesome

There is no enternal nature of Hank, and his laws are not in our hearts. Hank is not God.

---

If you can recognize not working on the sabbath, you can certainly recognize washing your hands after going the the washroom.

You keep saying that the evidence is in our hearts and that Hank has no eternal nature. Hank's laws are not in YOUR heart. Who are you to say what is in someone else's heart? The people in this story most definitely have Hank in their hearts. Since you are both getting your evidence from the same place (your hearts) why is their evidence worth less than yours? Does something have to be eternal in order to have any sway for you? Do you not have your family in your heart? And if hank Claimed to be eternal, or God? Again remember, it's a fictional story, we can change it as many times as we fit to have it analogize perfectly with your beliefs.

the whole point of the story was to show why I, and possibly others, have a hard time believing the bible, and you're proving me right. The only differences so far, really, is the eternal nature of god. If we make hank eternal, the story is still silly, just as I find the Bible silly. You are no different than John and Mary.

they have hank in their heart, you have god in yours
they have evidence of hank, you have evidence of god
hank is (now) eternal, god is eternal
hank has rules, god has rules.
you don't believe in hank, they don't believe in god

if you need more comparisons, let me know

The bottom line is that Hank is not God, and that's why it's not valid to compare.

Santa clause isn't real, but God is. That's a big differnce. And it's more than just thinking about santa cluase or loving Santa clause. IS Santa clause the source of Love? SDid Hank create the heavens and the earth? No.

The whole argument depends upon reality (like everything).

This is silly. I'm not trying to offend you, but I really wish, that even if you've decided you don't agree with the evidence for a god, Christians to point to a lot of evidence they believe backs up God. To say Christians don't have any evidence is ignorance.

I'm noticing a lack of worship for Saturn (almighty god of agriculture) in this thread. What is this, a forum full of unbelievers!? Heretics! Infidels! All of you!

You will regret all of this slander when your crop yields fail!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by natureisawesome

The bottom line is that Hank is not God, and that's why it's not valid to compare.

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The only reason to believe that hank is not god is because it's a fictional story. The Bible is a fictional story with some facts thrown in.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by natureisawesome

Santa clause isn't real, but God is. That's a big differnce. And it's more than just thinking about santa cluase or loving Santa clause. IS Santa clause the source of Love? SDid Hank create the heavens and the earth? No.

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Ok, we'll make it in the story so that hank created hot dog heaven and the earth. Again, it's a fictional story, we can change it to make as many comparisons as possible. And it doesn't stop the bible from being silly.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by natureisawesome

The whole argument depends upon reality (like everything).

This is silly. I'm not trying to offend you, but I really wish, that even if you've decided you don't agree with the evidence for a god, Christians to point to a lot of evidence they believe backs up God. To say Christians don't have any evidence is ignorance.

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You don't, and neither do I. You're having a real hard time pointing to any in the other thread.

Hank created hot dog heaven? I'm there!! Mustard and relish wit the dogs, right?

:eat:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by tabuwn

Hank created hot dog heaven? I'm there!! Mustard and relish wit the dogs, right?

:eat:

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That is so sick you put condiments on your dog. *shakes head*

lmao!

:wtf: