THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY

My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry! :(


Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me. :D


Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?" :eek:


Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband. :D


How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby? :confused:


I've always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you .

I've changed my mind. :rolleyes:


I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you. :cool:


As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me. :p


Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again. :mad:


Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike! :D


When we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise. ;)


We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop? :o


I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here. :(


Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was? :confused:


Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep. :p


So your daughter's a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay :o

hahahaha....shit start your own chain of card stores, shit like that happens more often than the nice things

lol. i liked the promotion one best lulu. it has actully happen. thanks.

Lol, Lulu, I thought of 2 more:

Greetings from college,
Hi Grandma!
Hi Grandpa!

Sorry it took me so long,
Couldn't find your address,
It was under my bong

Congratulations on your new STD!
Don't you wish you didn't dump me?

Sorry you got so drunk at the office Christmas party,
You spilled rum and coke all over Marty,

You told ethnic jokes to the Indian guy from shipping,
You told fat jokes to the heavy set girl from book keeping,

You screwed the office hoe Danielle,
Oh well...
I hear they're hiring at Taco Bell!

Congratulations on the approaching wedding of your loose daughter on February two,

When's the baby due?

Happy New Year!

Remember your business trip in late 2003?
Well, I'm the blond from that bar in Tennesee!

It's a boy and I've named him Anthony,
And soon, you'll be hearing from my attorney.

Hahaha. Funny ++ :D

this is the best thread i've read on this site so far. very funny shit. i would love to see more of these. they are fan-fuckin-tastic!!!! thanks for making me laugh.
im outta smoke, and this lifted my spirits. would have been even funnier if i was stoned. peace.....pls write more....... :D :D :D :D :D :D

*good luck in prison
*so you finally cameout of the closet
*happy first abortion

Heard about your fall at work,
We all know you're faking,
You lazy jerk!

Get well soon!

Sorry you're son failed out of PSU,
We all knew he was a dumb ass,
Why didn't you?

To my son-in-law,
Sorry to hear you lost another job,
Like I've been telling my daughter for years,
She married a worthless slob.

Happy Anniversary, Honey!

After years of bad sex,
No emotional support,
And your constant bickering...

Now you're losing your hair!

Thanks for stealing the best years of my life.

omfg!!! i almost fell off my chair laughin at those :D:D
u go gurls :p

Great post, one of the best here so far, i LMFAO over these.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
you wrecked my car
So now i'm going to sue


Congratulations
On your promotion
Do your knees ever get sore?


Hope your feeling better
Those sex change operations can really make
the things that are left
hurt bad


Sorry about your loss
he wasn't a good husband
he wasn't a good man
he screwed all the ladies
that was his plan

peace
heart

supercalifragalisticexpyalahdoeshish

ooops...i think i peed a little

:eek:

Congratulations on your first period! Here's to a happy 399 more!

funnnnnyyyy :D :D :D

OMFG toooooo funny

CONGRATULATIONS! On Your First Abusive Relationship!

You Asked For A Ring
An' Got A Black One Round Your Eye
What He Did Was Wrong
But U Couldn't Say Goodbye
He Said He Only Did It
Coz He Was Feelin Way To High
U Dumb Bitch U Forgave Him
And He Got Another Try

CONGRATULATIONS! On Your Second Domestic Violence Issue

This Time Round
He Was Far More Profound
He Drowned Out Ur Sound
With Ur Dressing Gown
Playfully Cuffed U
U Went Down To The Ground
U Couldn't Call The Police
Becoz Ur Hands Were Bound

These were just adapted from a song i wrote about wife beaters... sorry if they're shit but i was bored!

haha funny shit
you wrote that? thats good, it dont suck

yer man... i am an mc so i jus made it into a poem lol

this thread jus fuckin' died on its arse... someones gotta keep it goin!!!

:D All of you are so funny! I liked the ones Lulu made up the most, clever girl.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Darkneon420

:D All of you are so funny! I liked the ones Lulu made up the most, clever girl.

---

Sorry to burst your bubble Dark
I didn't write them, just received them in an email :p

i wrote mine ;)... but mine weren't funny lol