lmao i just stumbled on an old 'joke'.... i twas the first one i heard when i fnially got the net... i still fidn it fucking hilarious.... i'm sure most guys will to... mabye even some girls.
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lmao i just stumbled on an old 'joke'.... i twas the first one i heard when i fnially got the net... i still fidn it fucking hilarious.... i'm sure most guys will to... mabye even some girls.
lmfao... still never ceases to make me crack straight the fuck up....Quote:
Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it
Well WHERE IS IT.. damn stoners.. :stoned:
you know. that is so weird because this morning i woke up with the hardest morning wood ive had in a while. i seriously thought i could have beaten an animal to death with it.
Yeah i hate waking up with boners well sometimes its rather convenient but still its annoying especially if your sleeping where other people can see you :(
ohly shit! sorry lol i took my sleeping pills...
Quote:
Peeing
(Written to a woman who accidentally walked into a men's restroom...)
Please don't feel bad, lady. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what we're aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.
You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to pee all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling ya those little buggers can't be trusted.
After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man, standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood."
Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to pee all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.
And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie.
So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her look, it won't bend. She said, "Sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood."
Well, it's very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had peed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You pee all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat.
This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.
It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.
Now, if it was Father Nature, there wouldn't have been a problem!
bump :wtf:
"Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. "
so true haha
well edam is made backwards..
BU BOOM CHA !
no one laughs at my jokes ... ever :(
man thats is so true lol im gonna have to start using the superman manuver(sp?)
whoever wrote that is so right its not even funny... especialyl about trying to sit down with morning wood... when that crack leak thing happens its so fucking annoying and sometimes you dont notice it till you feel the floor and its wet... fuckin boners.. theyre good for some stuff tho :D