I Am Evil

Recently my mind is becoming more twisted by the day. I am convinced one day, I'll be on death row for murder. My explosive temper has taken over, and I am in a constant state of anger. I am starting to lack basic emotions, and empathy. I just feel cold, and void. I lost all connections with others except my twisted mind. I don't feel, at least not in a way I remembered. I am fucked up. Completely.

I choked a friend the other day. I was impatient, and he was slowing me down, wouldn't get out of my house. Waited 10-15 minutes, until I stormed in there, and told him to get the fuck out essentially. Asshole started playing games, and I couldn't take it, so I started choking him. After I threw his ass outta the house, I went in my car and left. No remorse, not even a bit of feeling like I did any wrong.

It isn't the first time I lost my temper and it turned into violence. This is the first time I felt no remorse for my actions. Any morality I had in me has dissipated.

There were 2 sides of me:

One was my normal self. Happy go-lucky, always smiling, laid-back, kind, helpful to others, peaceful, tranquil.

The other is a side I hate to unleash but has overtaken me. Cold, uncaring, selfish, violent, angry, abusive. Normally this side is only unleashed once in a while. An explosion which is random and irrational. You could see it in my eyes when I'm in this state.

I am at a point of no return. No matter how I fought this problem in the past, how I suppressed it, how I tried to change, I can't. This force is too strong for me to control. Call me weak, I am in this way. But there is something sinister taking over me. I don't like it. No matter how I push it away, it only comes back stronger, and stronger.

Every day, my sense of spirituality is waning, it feels like I lost my soul. It's gone.

I am losing my touch with reality, and humanity, to the point I don't know how I function each day. I want redemption. To not become a soulless creature. I want the ability to care, and interact with others without resorting to anger and violence. I want to feel alive again.

you may have simptons of being bi polar, seek help.

Any suspicions plaguing you these days, bongman? You're describing an uncontrollable temper, which is nothing to be afraid of but should definitely be handled, as it has the capacity to crush your existing relationships with people. So you're a little weak-minded? Who isn't? Before therapists, people handled their problems on their own. Some simply acted out the unease in an unhealthy way but you're smart enough to know how to relax. Some terms that come to mind:

Self-reflection, self-affirmation, self-control, etc. You don't need professional help. Who knows you better than yourself? Just think, and be aware of irrational thoughts. Even if it is merely something you would like to think of as "irrational." For example, when I think about how much I hate my mother, I label the thought as irrational because deep down I don't want to hate my mother. You're skipping a few steps in the thinking process. Just slow it down a bit.

And hit me up on AIM, if you want.

The professional community did nothing but to insinuate it further. I will not go that route.

I don't care if you think I'm crazy as fuck. But at least if you don't have an answer or a clue, don't say "seek professional help." You make it seem like I'm a total fuck up who can't function at all. I am taking on a new position with great responsibilities, I'm going to school part-time, I'm not exactly what you call a lazy bastard or some screaming bat lunatic here. Even if I wanted to seek professional help, I don't have the goddamn time. So here it is. Every bit of insight helps. I'm not saying anyone here has the cure, to assume that is laughable. I don't expect the answer from anyone because no one has it. It's aid to seek exploration into ones self for embetterment.

If you have nothing truly constructive to say, don't say it. Seeking professional help is a cruel ass joke.

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Originally Posted by thcbongman

The professional community did nothing but to insinuate it further. I will not go that route.

I don't care if you think I'm crazy as fuck. But at least if you don't have an answer or a clue, don't say "seek professional help." You make it seem like I'm a total fuck up who can't function at all. I am taking on a new position with great responsibilities, I'm going to school part-time, I'm not exactly what you call a lazy bastard or some screaming bat lunatic here. Even if I wanted to seek professional help, I don't have the goddamn time. So here it is. Every bit of insight helps. I'm not saying anyone here has the cure, to assume that is laughable. I don't expect the answer from anyone because no one has it. It's aid to seek exploration into ones self for embetterment.

If you have nothing truly constructive to say, don't say it. Seeking professional help is a cruel ass joke.

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This must be the kind of impatience you're describing, bongman. Re-read your post and you might discover something you're missing?

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Originally Posted by thcbongman

The professional community did nothing but to insinuate it further. I will not go that route.

I don't care if you think I'm crazy as fuck. But at least if you don't have an answer or a clue, don't say "seek professional help." You make it seem like I'm a total fuck up who can't function at all. I am taking on a new position with great responsibilities, I'm going to school part-time, I'm not exactly what you call a lazy bastard or some screaming bat lunatic here. Even if I wanted to seek professional help, I don't have the goddamn time. So here it is. Every bit of insight helps. I'm not saying anyone here has the cure, to assume that is laughable. I don't expect the answer from anyone because no one has it. It's aid to seek exploration into ones self for embetterment.

If you have nothing truly constructive to say, don't say it. Seeking professional help is a cruel ass joke.

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Only you hold the answer to you're problem. Do some self-examination and you may find it. Try meditating or something. Thats all I can recommend.

isn't it possible that the stress from a new important job and going to school is just combining to make you feel this way...

I have a question though... do you still want to find someone to love? do you still have the desire to find a woman who will love you back? or do you love yourself too much now to seriously include someone else in the equation...

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Originally Posted by Ganj

This must be the kind of impatience you're describing, bongman. Re-read your post and you might discover something you're missing?

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The funny thing is I always thought of myself as a patient person, I mean I waited 10-15 minutes for the guy before I took action. Thing was, I wasn't even angry beforehand. In fact, quite cheerful. But when it happened, it was like a dream.

But now that I truly think about it, I am incredibly impatient.

I do everything faster than normal, walk, eat, sleep, everything revolves around speed, and concept of getting things done in a timely manner. If I don't want to for someone to get something done, I'd do it myself. That's why I like weed so much, it slows me down.

Maybe it slowed you down so much that now you feel you need overexert yourself to get anything done. Making up for lost time? And this is all so sudden, bongman. I wouldn't have expected this from you. Is there anything I missed?

i'll tell you what everyone tells me <.<;;; (yes i do pay attention to what everyone here tells me)

do some meditation, it might help.

does it have any triggers? or just random? does it happen relatively at the same periods, or again, completely random? are you happy with your life atm (mostly social... like do you feel as if you're being ignored, shunned or taken advantage of?) do you have friends/family or are you mostly a loner?

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Originally Posted by Thepossumdance

isn't it possible that the stress from a new important job and going to school is just combining to make you feel this way...

I have a question though... do you still want to find someone to love? do you still have the desire to find a woman who will love you back? or do you love yourself too much now to seriously include someone else in the equation...

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I have a strong desire to find someone I can care about and who would love me unconditionally, who could see past my physical and mental scars. But I lost hope. I'm too afraid to approach women, and none of them would like me even if I did. Look at the perception I'm giving y'all now. I'm not exactly a likeable character. Only a few people care about me. Even if they did, I am socially retarded in terms of talking to people in a social environment. I am only confident in my ability to interact with people in a professional environment.

I don't exactly love myself. I only do what I think is best to get through. I do think about others in that regard. I help people unconditionally, asking nothing in return.

Masterbation. Lots of masterbation.

repeat until you have that spaced out look on your face like you've just came back from a 2 week holiday in Amsterdam.

This proves my point that heaven & hell only exist in one's lifetime.

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Originally Posted by Gippie

O_o no I say get professional help because they might know what going on and help you. I mean I read a lot of books on phycology and I like to know what's going on. I never said you were crazy, but if you understood what was happening and or where it was coming from then you'd be able to deal with it better. You don't need to go to a phycologist if you are good at self diagnosis or read a lot about it and know it well. I mean you were speaking of killing, which is fine, because the mind is designed to kill, and there are reasons why there are mass murderers. On another note, you might be bipolar [like stated earlier] or possibilities continue. You can do it yourself, but it seemed like you were confused as to what was going on, seeing someone might help them dig deeper in to you then you can yourself to see what's really going on. No negativity intended.

Sorry for insulting you. O_o Geezz ... chill :smokin:

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I don't want to kill anyone intentionally. I hate violence. I'm just afraid that one day in one of my episodes of anger, I could kill someone. Or I do it to a random person, and I go to jail.

When I was younger, I saw counselors, psychologists, got prescribed boatloads of medicine for depression and ADD. They didn't think I was bi-polar. It solved nothing. It destroyed a lot of my trust in people. I thought if I could trust anyone other than my family, it would be them. Instead they cooperate with the law, basically being a pee cup away from going to juvie.

You did nothing to insult me. I'm being an ass. Please don't feel like you did any wrong because you didn't.

Seriously, you need to talk to a counselor, psychiatrist, priest, whatever! A trip to your regular doctor might also be in order- just to rule out brain tumors, strokes and other neurological problems that can cause changes in personality. And how's your diet? A lack of "B" vitamins can literally drive you crazy! They are cheap, incidentally. The Dollar Store usually has a month's supply for a buck, Walmart is about the same. That being said....

Choking your friend was bad, but I do not believe you when you say you didn't have any feelings about it after you choked him. If you felt nothing, you wouldn't be talking about it! You say you threw your friend out of the house. I see it a bit differently. Although you were out of control, a part of you knew it, and removed your friend from a dangerous situation. Nor did you choke him to death. You stopped! You are not absolutely "gone". This incident bothered you. There is still that good person inside you.

You have not lost your soul! It is there. You are like someone who has closed his eyes and says "The sun is gone." Your soul is immortal and good. When you "open your eyes", you will see that you are still the same person that you were before- kind, loving and caring.

Each of us fights the fight you are in now. In big ways and in the tiniest of ways, we all make the choices that define us. The fact that you are asking for help, says there is hope! I wish that we could talk face to face and maybe I could be of some real help. (I have a lot of life experience- a nice way to say I'm almost 60 and have been through a lot.) But hon, there has to be someone you can talk to! Keeping it all bottled in, only makes it worse. Talk it out, write it out, express it in art- but don't let that darkness sit inside you to rot and fester!

I know exactly where you are coming from. My "dark side" is pretty scary too. Without going into details, one time when it came out- my hubby saw who I can be. He said I scared the hell out of him. He walked on eggshells for weeks and was really spooked by me. But although that "path" is available to me, I choose not to walk it. Like you, I can see where it leads.

If at all possible, get out of the city, even just for a few hours. I find it easier to get in touch with my "higher self" (or whatever you want to call it) when I am in a natural setting, without other people.

With a little help, you will find your way back to who you are supposed to be. Peace be with you, - Granny:hippy:

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Originally Posted by thcbongman

I don't want to kill anyone intentionally. I hate violence. I'm just afraid that one day in one of my episodes of anger, I could kill someone. Or I do it to a random person, and I go to jail.

When I was younger, I saw counselors, psychologists, got prescribed boatloads of medicine for depression and ADD. They didn't think I was bi-polar. It solved nothing. It destroyed a lot of my trust in people. I thought if I could trust anyone other than my family, it would be them. Instead they cooperate with the law, basically being a pee cup away from going to juvie.

You did nothing to insult me. I'm being an ass. Please don't feel like you did any wrong because you didn't.

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What an insightful post! Parents co-operating with the law rather than supporting their own child is ludicrous.

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Originally Posted by thcbongman

I have a strong desire to find someone I can care about and who would love me unconditionally, who could see past my physical and mental scars. But I lost hope. I'm too afraid to approach women, and none of them would like me even if I did. Look at the perception I'm giving y'all now. I'm not exactly a likeable character. Only a few people care about me. Even if they did, I am socially retarded in terms of talking to people in a social environment. I am only confident in my ability to interact with people in a professional environment.

I don't exactly love myself. I only do what I think is best to get through. I do think about others in that regard. I help people unconditionally, asking nothing in return.

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Your not Evil just lost on a path. You do see that your lost and thats a good step.

I had a Anger. The World made me mad. Everyone was so Dumb and/or a Jerk. Any little thing would make me snap. If someone was Rude or just Stuiped it would just set me off. I would pull people over on the road and fight with them about there driveing.

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Originally Posted by Ganj

Maybe it slowed you down so much that now you feel you need overexert yourself to get anything done. Making up for lost time? And this is all so sudden, bongman. I wouldn't have expected this from you. Is there anything I missed?

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Gosh. It seems like you shoved a microscope into my brain.

Everything has been making up for lost time. After all I have a 2nd chance at life, and I been trying to make the most of it. This past week, it seems like I'm not myself, and I am becoming less optimistic. Like all the pieces are coming off. Another surgery in a couple days to add to the scars I already have. All this hope I had, it feel like it's being sucked away.

I couldn't deny the possibility of overexertion.

It's great to see you around!

Our brains show us a movie of futures events that may or may not happen. Some of the movies run over and over and we feel that we are being drawn more into that world. A thought that we are going to lose control and do something we will regret can become a self fulfilling prophesy. If you see yourself in your mind going banzai on a stranger and you know that doing this will lead to bad juju then that doesn't seem like a very good movie to play in your mind. I like to play movies of me and Nicole Kidman getting jiggy with it on a desert island. Then Nadine from girls aloud turns up and her and Nicole are totally up for a threesome... then... well I think you get the picture. You are the director of your life.

Seriously, meditation will help you.
I don't have tremendous anger problems, but it runs in my blood and I always have had screaming bouts with my parents over little shit. After I picked up some meditation, I realized it was just stupid stuff and I am able to control myself.

Try it out.

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Originally Posted by slipknotpsycho

i'll tell you what everyone tells me <.<;;; (yes i do pay attention to what everyone here tells me)

do some meditation, it might help.

does it have any triggers? or just random? does it happen relatively at the same periods, or again, completely random? are you happy with your life atm (mostly social... like do you feel as if you're being ignored, shunned or taken advantage of?) do you have friends/family or are you mostly a loner?

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I don't know if random is the right word, but it's the closest thing I can define it. It's happens only for the littlest of things, and mostly I'm feeling a bit of stress, but I'm not feeling pissed. Otherwise I'm perceived as even-tempered. I can deal with the most volatile of people, and I can take a lot of abuse before feeling even a bit of anger.

Sometimes I feel like I'm being ignored. But most of the time, it means little to me. I have been taken advantage off in the past because of my kind nature, but now I'm careful about letting people know things about me that they could use to their advantage.

I have a very close immediate family, and a few close friends. Most of the time tho, I am alone.

My advise would be to take a big break. by yourself.
Separate yourself from society for a bit and go camping or something.

I was in a similar state of insinuating anger a few years back.
My parents sent me to Korea. When i got there, my uncle took me on a 3-day hike up this gigantic mountain. I had all the time i needed to spend by myself in complete isolation in wilderness, just wandering and thinking. It did wonders for me and I felt completely different once I got down that mountain.

well that's odd... i mean only blowing up over the simplest things, but big things you're fine with....

see i had an idea of what might be wrong, that you're feeling ignored and left out of everything/taken advantage of and now you're blowing up because you're not demanding the attention from those who care, or standing up for yourself....

but that can't be it as you said you're careful now, and you have a very close family/friends... and by loner i just meant like, are you fully alone in the world just about, or is there usually people around you or people you talk to...

i'm not really sure what to say now tho... cuz you've basicly just said everything opposite of what my hypothesis was...

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Originally Posted by Gippie

Yeah, you're having episodes of violence which aren't of your control... that's interesting. Since you've had bad experiences with psychologists before [I personally refuse any drug they try to give me, and only use it as a chance to discuss my diagnosis, so it's a bit different...], you should probably do self diagnosis. I'd suggest looking up your symptoms and co-relating it to something, at least to give you a basis. I only suggest this because, if you know that there's a diagnosis for what you're going through, then you know 1) people other than you have gone through it [that's always a releif for me] 2) You're not going insane
and 3) Finding tips on coping and getting better.
Other than that, I suggest, like most others, eat healthy, try to stay positive, excersise daily, just stay in the best shape possible. Meditate, relax ... etc.

I'm a very impatient person [like you] and it fustrates me some times beyond beleif, but I don't act on it. Do you find that you have absolutely no control over your actions? Or do you just get ideas but not so much act on them??

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I think 99% of the time, I have total control of my actions. I definitely get ideas of shoving someone out of the way because they are slowing me down, but I shake it off that thinking error, and don't act on it.

but it's those few moments that I lose clarity. I can be calm 99% of the time, but all it takes is one time.

And that's the weird thing. I exercise obsessively, I eat healthy, I usually have a positive mind-set. I do utilize meditation, it helps in my overall focus, but not for these episodes. I try to relax, but I don't ever feel relaxed.

I just don't want to feel like I'm hiding anything anymore. I don't think I laugh alot anymore. I feel I'm becoming more isolated socially, more than I normally am.

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Originally Posted by Gippie

Sorry, can I ask you for some advice? I want to meditate but... I can't clear my mind... I'm always thinking... constantly... or thinking about not thinking... but still thinking... O_o Plus I'm anxious and find it hard to relax... any suggestions?


And also, Bongman, you know it's also likely that you're just going through a very stressful time and just need to take a long ass break from everything.

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Try a mantra. The point of meditation is focused thinking. What you describe is anxious thinking, which you can also learn from. You realize you're an anxious person though, so what you should focus on is a mantra. Some "hum" during meditation, and that's great because the vibrations from your voice are a great thing to focus on. Try just listening and feeling your breathing. If that doesn't work, then try some focused thought on something you like.
Mantra Meditation

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Originally Posted by Gippie

Sorry, can I ask you for some advice? I want to meditate but... I can't clear my mind... I'm always thinking... constantly... or thinking about not thinking... but still thinking... O_o Plus I'm anxious and find it hard to relax... any suggestions?


And also, Bongman, you know it's also likely that you're just going through a very stressful time and just need to take a long ass break from everything.

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There are lots of different ways of meditating. Now the one I use may not seem like the most spiritual but it is by far the most effective I've ever come across. Find a place were you wont be disturbed for the time you want to chill out. Pick a goal for the this time. It could be relaxation or visualization or anything you want. Now to clear the mind you just have to tell it to shut the fuck up. Over and over and over until you find a place in your mind where you feel like you are in control. You don't have to swear if you don't want to. Shhhhhhhhh works just as well. If you want to have a quite place in your mind you have to be the boss of your world. You can then do you thing. I do a lot of visualization and if at any point my brain tries to side track me I just shush it get back to what it is I am trying to achieve.

As for relaxation give this a try. Start at the top of you body and tense up. Scrunch your forehead... the muscles around your eyes... then release. Notice the difference between being very tense to being very relaxed (After doing this for a while you just have to think about relaxing and you will be able to just do it). Then work down your body... tensing and relaxing until you reach your toes. You can guide yourself by saying... my forehead is now relaxing as you go along.

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Originally Posted by slipknotpsycho

well that's odd... i mean only blowing up over the simplest things, but big things you're fine with....

see i had an idea of what might be wrong, that you're feeling ignored and left out of everything/taken advantage of and now you're blowing up because you're not demanding the attention from those who care, or standing up for yourself....

but that can't be it as you said you're careful now, and you have a very close family/friends... and by loner i just meant like, are you fully alone in the world just about, or is there usually people around you or people you talk to...

i'm not really sure what to say now tho... cuz you've basicly just said everything opposite of what my hypothesis was...

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I don't think it was truly opposite. If my friends and family didn't care about me so much, they sure wouldn't be around, I did nothing to encourage them to love me. I would be a loner otherwise, I don't talk to strangers on a normal basis.

But I think you are right about me not standing up for myself. I remember you pointed it out to me once already in the past! Now that I think about it, I think the common theme was an instance of lack of respect.

seeking help dont mean your crazy, Ive been around for awile and I wish
I know back then what I know now, but what I know now I leaned the hard
way, a train wreck of a way to learn......god speed

Your fine, it's not until doing these things make you happy then somethings wrong. It is okay to snap once in awhile, you'll get over if, but then, if you don't, you'll realize it, and you'll just be stuck. Nothing can help you, one day, you will find what will help you, but your not going to find it if you look for it.

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Originally Posted by thcbongman

I don't think it was truly opposite. If my friends and family didn't care about me so much, they sure wouldn't be around, I did nothing to encourage them to love me. I would be a loner otherwise, I don't talk to strangers on a normal basis.

But I think you are right about me not standing up for myself. I remember you pointed it out to me once already in the past! Now that I think about it, I think the common theme was an instance of lack of respect.

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by oppposite i simply meant the picture i was painting was you were alone, neglected, and of course heavy stress continually building up until you blew up over bigger things....

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Originally Posted by bhouncy

Our brains show us a movie of futures events that may or may not happen. Some of the movies run over and over and we feel that we are being drawn more into that world. A thought that we are going to lose control and do something we will regret can become a self fulfilling prophesy. If you see yourself in your mind going banzai on a stranger and you know that doing this will lead to bad juju then that doesn't seem like a very good movie to play in your mind. I like to play movies of me and Nicole Kidman getting jiggy with it on a desert island. Then Nadine from girls aloud turns up and her and Nicole are totally up for a threesome... then... well I think you get the picture. You are the director of your life.

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I think you made a great point.

But I also think about gettin' jiggy with it with multiple women at once. But naw, that hasn't happened tho! But then again, this is a great idea. I have to focus more on thinking along this line!

Small youtube vid to highlight evilness.

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Originally Posted by thcbongman

I think you made a great point.

But I also think about gettin' jiggy with it with multiple women at once. But naw, that hasn't happened tho! But then again, this is a great idea. I have to focus more on thinking along this line!

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Another one I do is I'm on a space craft going to a new world to discover something I've not yet imagined. I lead an expedition team on the surface and create the kind of wildlife and vegetation as I go along. I find a new spider and just as I go to take a sample lasers come out of its arse and deflects off my body shield. It rushes off into the undergrowth but we run after it and trap it in a flotation containment unit. Just as we are drawing it towards us it lets out a screech and from all around come rushing thousands of black red and green spiders squealing in high pitched tones. And well.. it just goes on and on until I get bored and have sex with Josephine the navigator.

Having a creative outlet is a positive way to lower tension.

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Originally Posted by Storm Crow

Seriously, you need to talk to a counselor, psychiatrist, priest, whatever! A trip to your regular doctor might also be in order- just to rule out brain tumors, strokes and other neurological problems that can cause changes in personality. And how's your diet? A lack of "B" vitamins can literally drive you crazy! They are cheap, incidentally. The Dollar Store usually has a month's supply for a buck, Walmart is about the same. That being said....

Choking your friend was bad, but I do not believe you when you say you didn't have any feelings about it after you choked him. If you felt nothing, you wouldn't be talking about it! You say you threw your friend out of the house. I see it a bit differently. Although you were out of control, a part of you knew it, and removed your friend from a dangerous situation. Nor did you choke him to death. You stopped! You are not absolutely "gone". This incident bothered you. There is still that good person inside you.

You have not lost your soul! It is there. You are like someone who has closed his eyes and says "The sun is gone." Your soul is immortal and good. When you "open your eyes", you will see that you are still the same person that you were before- kind, loving and caring.

Each of us fights the fight you are in now. In big ways and in the tiniest of ways, we all make the choices that define us. The fact that you are asking for help, says there is hope! I wish that we could talk face to face and maybe I could be of some real help. (I have a lot of life experience- a nice way to say I'm almost 60 and have been through a lot.) But hon, there has to be someone you can talk to! Keeping it all bottled in, only makes it worse. Talk it out, write it out, express it in art- but don't let that darkness sit inside you to rot and fester!

I know exactly where you are coming from. My "dark side" is pretty scary too. Without going into details, one time when it came out- my hubby saw who I can be. He said I scared the hell out of him. He walked on eggshells for weeks and was really spooked by me. But although that "path" is available to me, I choose not to walk it. Like you, I can see where it leads.

If at all possible, get out of the city, even just for a few hours. I find it easier to get in touch with my "higher self" (or whatever you want to call it) when I am in a natural setting, without other people.

With a little help, you will find your way back to who you are supposed to be. Peace be with you, - Granny:hippy:

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You are right. It does bother me, even tho I don't want to admit it. I just done it enough times, it's like here we go again with this emotional roller coaster.

Peace be with you! At least you made me feel like I am human after all.

And I don't have anyone I really can talk to about what I go through. That's why I bottle everything up. That's why I have cannabis.com =)

Man I've been there before and it took me alot of shit to get out of it, but in the end it came down to thinking about why I'd get pissed off all the time. Before I realized it, I was smoking bud and eating shrooms and just going on the biggest trip of my life when all of the sudden I just realized that I had nothing to be pissed about. Probably the a pointless story but ever since, I haven't really had any fits of anger. You sound like you're relatively normal for the first part, but maybe there's still something in you that just needs to break some skulls.

For me, I used to deal with it by punching on my wall till my knuckles bled, but obviously that wasn't the best way to deal with it. Eventually it was more about music, bud, and self-reflection. I'm sure you'll figure your shit out, recognizing the problem is a good first step man.

Anyway, back when I had a real bad anger problem, I remember one thing a friend told me that really calmed me down, about how man's evolved from survivor to what we are now. She was telling me about how men were usually more overprotective then women and shit like that because that's what we evolved from. She'd also tell me about the natural rush of the hunt and how we don't get that nowadays because we don't really struggle to survive. Everything's around the corner so things pretty much fall on our laps these days.. anyway it used to calm me down reading about primitive man and the struggles they faced. Maybe you've just got a wild caveman spirit living in you that needs to hunt something down and rip it up and cook it over an open fire so you can impress the hunnies with facial hair and bang on that prime-ape junk like evolution depends on it.

okay i went off on a tangent there but theres my two cents for ya man

Good luck :jointsmile:

awesome tangent ^

I've felt the same way off and on for the past decade. I don't really know if I have anything new to tell you, but here are my thoughts.

Venting helps. Definitely. And not just typing, I find that I have to say it out loud, so if I need to I'll talk to my dog or myself. It gets it out of your head, and you can go about your day without having it bouncing around in your mind.

Identify your faults. Don't punish yourself for them, but identify them and then think about whether you would like to change, and if so, how you would like to change. Set goals and work towards them. Two months ago I was angry, depressed, and saying a lot of things I regret to the people that I love and who have helped me the most. I saw what I was doing, and I didn't like it, so I decided to change myself. I picked up the ganj after a four-month hiatus, smoked a lot, and did a lot of self-reflection. I figured things out, took a break from smoking a week ago, and now I am happier than I've ever been and have not only mended but improved my relationships with my friends and family.

Confront your fears and limitations. A year ago, I was too shy to talk to strangers, especially girls. So I made myself go hang out with these two girls who took their smoke breaks outside. It took some time to get used to it and iron out the kinks in my social, but now we're great friends and I have very few problems talking to strangers anymore. I've pushed myself into a lot of uncomfortable situations, slowly working my way towards being "normal", and it took a long time but was definitely worth it.

Surround yourself with people who will support you, and get rid of the people that drag you down. This can be hard to do, especially in a work environment, but you can probably clean up your home relationships a bit.

If someone pisses you off, find out something silly or embarassing about them. The next time you get mad at them, just think of this (to yourself) and quietly laugh them off. My boss is a critical prick, but when he was in school with my mum he used to light his farts on fire to amuse his classmates. It's been hard to take him seriously ever since I found out about that. :D

And remember, stuff might look dark now, but who knows - maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe next month everything will turn around for you all of a sudden. Life can do that.

I'm also going to recommend you read The Four Agreements. Actually, I'm going to recommend that everyone read it, it's a great book with a few simple ideas to teach:

- Be impeccable with your word.
- Don't take anything personally.
- Don't make assumptions.
- Always do your best.

Try those on for size and see where they take you. Good luck! :jointsmile: