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only the hilarious ones here :)
One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."
Beautiful sir.....just......beautiful....
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
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There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."
I love you
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"
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There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.
He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.
Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.
He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.
The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want."
The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.
When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."
After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"
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A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."
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A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."
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A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."
HAHA DISGUSTING!!!
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An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,
"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a nice, tight butt!"
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A couple were having financial problems until finally they couldn't stand it any more. The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make some money through prostitution to get by.
So the husband drove her to the place where she had to do the job and in the evening he picked her up again.
"So, how much have you earned today?" the husband asked.
"Well", the woman responded, "I've made one hundred dollars and fifty cents."
"That's strange", the husband responded, "who gave you the fifty cents?"
Said the woman: "All of them, of course!"
Am i the onyl one that loves these?
No...hahaa these are pretty good.
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES"
lol,Cut n pastings cheating!!
Q: What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
A: "How come?"
lmaoo love the short jokes aswell.
Whered u get all these campbell?
All Drugs have a generic name.
Tylenol is Acetaminophen
Advil is Ibuprofen
Penicillin is Amoxycillin And so on...
What's the generic name for Viagra?
Mycoxafailin
A couple has been married 40 years. The man asks his wife "Do you remember when we first got married? We both had breakfast naked." After some contemplation they decide they should try it again. The next morning they are both naked at breakfast. The woman says "Nothing has changed! You still make my nipples hot."
The husband replies "I'm not surprised...one is in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal."
ClickQuote:
Originally Posted by onequestion
not rude but here ya go
A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint
when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
"Hey Koala! What are you doing?"
The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
o the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala
where they enjoyed a few joints.
After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was "dry"
and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far
over and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard
helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard,
"What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he
was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree,
got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked
into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was
sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
"Hey you!"
So the koala looked down at him and said,
"Shiiiiiiiiiiit, dude.....
How much water did you drink?!!" :D
lol!
Hahaa campbell, these are great.
+ rep.
Thanks.
Three boys, about 12 years old, are hanging out in Timmy's room, when they look out the window and see an absolutely gorgeous, voluptous 19-year-old girl totally naked.
The other two boys hang out the window drooling, but Timmy immediately screams and throws himself on his bed, covering his eyes. He then runs from the room. His friends find him in the hallway, shaking, and they say "What's the matter with you? You some kind of homo?"
Gasping, Timmy shakes his head and says "No, it's not that. My...my mother told me that if I did anything dirty, thought about anything dirty, or even looked at anything dirty, God would turn me to stone. And when I looked at that girl...I started to go hard, so I ran."
HAHA LMAO!!
Jesus, give me 2 mins im gonna try and find a microscope to read that.
One morning there is a woman taking a shower and she hears the doorbell ring. Knowing that her husband is still in bed she decides to answer it herself. So she grabs a towel and opens the door. She opens the door to find her husband's friend steve. Steve pulls out five one hundred dollar bills and says i'll give you all this money if you drop that towel right now and let me have a look. So the lady drops her towel, takes the money, and closes the door. When she walks back to her bedroom she finds her husband awake who asks "Who was at the door?" "Steve" she replys. "Oh" says the husband, "Well did he have my $500?"
HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
A guy goes to a psychiatrist wearing nothing but Saran Wrap, and the psychiatrist says "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts!"
hahaha thats funny ^
So three guys, Tom, Steve, and Bob are shipwrecked on a tropical island. After several days they are exploring the island and are captured by a group of native tribal people. They are taken to the head of the tribe who tells them that if they each complete two challenges he will let them go and if they fail they will be killed. The men realize they have no other choice and accept the challenge. The kings tells them that the first challenge is to go out into the jungle and bring back ten peices of any type of fruit they choose. So the three men leave and Tom returns first with ten apples. The king then tells him that the second challenge is to stick all ten fruits up his ass while keeping a straight face. Faced with no other choice Tom begins. After 3 apples the pain is so bad Tom cant hold back, and is killed by the tribe. Steve then shows up with ten cherrys and the king explains the second part of the challenge to him. So steve starts....1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8...and then begins laughing uncontrollably. The tribe kills him and he goes to heaven where he meets up with Tom. Tom ask "what happen man you almost had it why did you start laughing?" Steve replys " Because I saw Bob coming with ten pinnapples!"
Lmfao!!! That ones hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOLLLLLL ^^
well heres one this lil boy got a new bike and was riding it in the street and the lil girl acroos the street saw him and went in crying to her mom. so the next day he went out to play she had the same new bike.
so he went and got another toy and the next day she would have the same thing. so finely he walks over to her and drops his pants and starts shakin his dick and said haha u can't have one of these.
so she runs inside crying and told her mom what happened then comes back out smiling and the lil boy says whats so funny she points to her crotch and says my mommy told me with one of these i can get all those i want
lol ha ha love it.Quote:
Originally Posted by cannabis campbell
this miner lived out on his land and was runnin low on supplys so he asked his 10 year old daughter if she wanted to come along to get the supplys she says ok so the head off to town and load up the wagon full of the supplys and start to head back home then half way home a band of robbers stoped them at gun point and demanded them to hand over everything so the miner gives everything over and the robbers road away and the miner looks over to see if his daughter was ok only to see her putting on all her jewelry and he said how did they not find all that she points to her twat and says i put it in her to hide it the miner cusses and says damn we should have brought ur mom we could have hidden everything
The prevailing theme in here is proving to be sexual, so I'm going to move this to that forum.
Jokes involving racially themed funnies present possible trouble, OK? Try and keep them rude, crude, funny, and free of what might be regarded as potential slurs against other ethnicities.
Two buddies are chatting away, sharing a spliff.
The first one tells his friend about a freudian slip he made: "The other day, I was getting two tickets to fly to Pittsburgh, and there was this buxom blonde behind the counter. I meant to say 'Two tickets to Pittsburgh', but it came out 'Two pickets to Tittsburgh'. I was so embarassed."
His friend tells him: "The very same thing happened to me just the other day. I was having breakfast with my wife, and I meant to say 'Pass the honey, dear', but it came out as 'You ruined my life, you fucking bitch!'...
Did i post a racist joke :eek:, you know im not racist.Quote:
Originally Posted by birdgirl73
Cannabis Campbell's jokes are best read with a thick Brooklyn accent.
A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."
It was a nice sunny day when three men were walking down a country road, when they saw a bush with a pig's ass popping out.
The first man says, "I wish that was Demi Moore's Ass"
The second man says, "I wish that was Pamela Anderson's Ass."
Then the third man says, "I wish it was dark."
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A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."
She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are.
He says "well, pussy and bitch".
She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning.
Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?"
He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is pussy."
"OK dad, so what's a bitch?"
"Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."
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Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one.
"Well, not exactly." his friend replied, "she's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well, not exactly - I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."
LMAO!Quote:
Originally Posted by switch226
...Quote:
Originally Posted by switch226
CC u are my hero
this is the greatest thread ever
i think im concidered the white devil now lmfao
Q. What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?
A. Fucks Funny!