3 good jokes for reps feeling generous
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3 good jokes for reps feeling generous
lol okay, guy walks into bar.
sign over bar says, free drinks for whoever passes the test.
"what's the test?" he asks.
Bartender says, "first drink that whole bottle of tequila. Then there's an alligator out back with a sore tooth, extract it. Then upstairs there's a woman who has never had an orgasm... help her out"
"damn, no way" says the guy, but after a few drinks hes like, gimme dat tequila!
Then he runs out back and there's a horrible thumping and he comes back in with his shirt all bloody and torn and asks, "where's that chick with the sore tooth?"
ahaha
An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal...
Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a closeby man, " Can you help me point my penis" ?
The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the mans penis. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, " Hey! I'm grabbing it right"? " So I should look, I have a right"!
He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hidious. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking. " What the hell is wrong with it ?"
The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but, I ain't touchin' it." and walks away.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants...
The bartender says, "Isn't that thing bothering you?"
The pirate responds..."ARRRRRG It's driving me nuts!!!"
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
LMFAO this one made me laugh :D
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why? he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. ****."
cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
A man walks into a bar..............ouch.
a man walks into a bar then he buys a beer and the bartender says that will be 3.00 dollars. so the man gives him the money and says thank you and then he drinks his beer.
Oh my, how many joke threads do we need? Just rep someone in the already existing ones lol.
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 5...10...15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here every Tuesdays and Thursdays."
whats the difference between a black person and a bench? a bench can support a family haha( im not racist but i think its funny )
Billy was on holiday in America and didn't speak very good English. It was his last day and he was heading to the airport to fly home, but first he needed to buy a few things.
He ends up going to the store and asking the clerk for some "BUM". She sits there and thinks for awhile and then says, "Oh you must mean gum."
Then he goes to the fish store and askes if he could get some "FUCK IT". The fish man thinks and says, "Oh I get it, you must mean Bucket (bucket of fish)"
Billy shakes his head as YES.
Then he makes a trip to the pet store and says, "Could I get a cock and spank it?" The pet store owner says "Oh you must mean Cocker Spaniel."
Billy shakes his head YES.
He finally makes it to the airport where he will be catching his flight.
When he gets there he askes this guy...
"Could you hold my bum and fuck it while I get my cock and spank it"
One day a man was golfing, his swing drove the ball through someones window and broke a vase. The family braught the glass into the garage and a man was there. He says "I am a genie, I'll give you each a wish". The husband asks for $1,000,000 in the bank and the wife wishes for a never ending life. "Wishes granted, now that I've made your wishes true I have a wish of my own" said the Genie. "What's that?" said the Husband. "I wish to sleep with your wife". The genie sleeps with his wife, and after sex the Genie tells the wife "is your Husband stupid?", she replies "No, he finished school, why would you say that?".. The genie says "Oh, it's amazing that he still beleives in genies, what a dumbass!.."
hahah.
Three men went to hell.
The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"
He then opened the doors to the three rooms.
Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.
Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.
Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shit up to their knees and drinking coffee.
The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.
They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."
LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't care for the rep really, but here's one I always get a good laugh at:
Two guys Bob and Tim are talking. Tim asks Bob, "What did you get your wife for valentines day?"
Bob: I got her a diamond ring and a mercedes benz
Tim: Why did you get her that?
Bob: Well, if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she can look good driving it back.
Tim: Oh...
Bob: What did you get your wife?
Tim: I just got her some slippers and a dildo.
Bob: Really? Why did you get her that?
Tim: Well if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.
Oh, and sorry girls, it's just a joke, hope no one gets offended. :wtf::)
Quote:
Originally Posted by AR15
lmfao... ok that's funny..
LMFAO that was fucking hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL!!! definately getting rep for that one :pQuote:
Originally Posted by AR15
No need for disclaimers sir.Quote:
Originally Posted by cavmanfotwent
a man goes to a swimming pool and the lifegaurd says be careful and the man says thank you and he enjoys a nice afternoon of swimming
40 Things You'd Like to Say Out Loud at Work
1 I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.
2 I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3 How about never? Is never good for you?
4 I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5 I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6 I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7 I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8 I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9 It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10 Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11 I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12 You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13 I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14 I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15 I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16 Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17 The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18 Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19 What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20 I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21 It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22 Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23 And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24 Do I look like a people person?
25 This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26 I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27 Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28 If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29 Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30 Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31 I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32 A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33 Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34 Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35 Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36 Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
37 How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38 I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted a salary.
39 Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40 Oh I get it... like humour... but different.
the one about betting was a good one nice cc well i'd like to say this is a joke but it a true story here's how it went down.my girl friend and i went to the fair and we walked up to a guy talking and a crowd of people standing around him.
so i told her lets go see whats going on.so when we walked up the guy had the men in the group standing in a line when he saw me and asked if i wanted to join the contest. i said what is it he said the man who has the biggest c%$k would when this motorcycle. i said ok so the first guy droped his pants and it was 9inches. then the 2nd guy was 13. the 3rd guy was 16!!
so it was my turn and my g/f said to me your not really gonna do this are u. and i looked at here and said it's ok hun im just gonna pull out enough to win:)