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this is one of the few can remember!!
Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.
The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."
So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our f*cking car.You Big toothed c*nt"
Lol heard that one before watch out though the "C" word is not allowed here.
Uh....dont get it
Cross = another word for angry.
K. 2 goldfish in a tank...One says to other....How the F*** do we drive this thing??
And its goodnight from me!!
I lolled.Quote:
Originally Posted by johneg
I guess 'cross' is a brit thing?
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile?
Get in the Batmobile.
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
Nothing. She just gagged.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nation_1ne
Haha that made me laugh i dont know why maybe im jiust stoned lol.
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered:
"An apple."
"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.
"Is it a peach?"
"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically.
The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.
"A banana," she says.
"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it it's round, hard, and it got a head on it."
"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"
"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like the way your thinking!"
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Little Johnny and his father were walking down the street one day, and two ladies bumped into one another in front of them.
The one lady looked at the other and slapped her across the face. "You bitch," yelled the one lady.
Stunned, the lady that was slapped yelled out, "You bag."
Little Johnny, never heard those words before, turns to his dad. "Dad, what are bags and bitches?"
"Oh, that's just another name for women," replied his dad.
"Oh, okay," said Johnny.
The two make it home and Little Johnny follows his dad up to the washroom to watch his daddy shave.
While shaving, Little Johnny's dad cuts himself. "Oh shit," he said.
"Daddy, what's shit?" asked Little Johnny.
"Oh, that's just another name for shaving your self," replied his father.
Bored, Little Johnny wanders downstairs to find his mother cooking a turkey. As his mother reached into the oven, she burnt her hand. "Fuck!" she yells.
"Mom, what's fuck?" questionned Johnny.
"That's just another word for cooking the turkey."
"Oh, I get it," said Johnny.
All of a sudden, the doorbell rings. "I'll get it!" yells Johnny as he runs to the door. He then opened the door to find a group of old ladies standing outside.
"Hello young man. Are you parents home?" asked the front lady.
"Hello bags and bitches. My dad's upstairs shitting himself and my mom's downstairs fucking the turkey."
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One day little Johnny comes home one day from school and his mom asks him how his day was.
He replies, "Mom, today I had sex with the teacher!"
Immediately she was angry. She said, "just wait 'till your dad gets home, he's going to be very mad at you. Go to your room!"
So the boy goes to his room and finally his dad is home and comes up to the room. The boy tells his dad and the dad is proud of the boy.
"Great job son! How old are you 12? 13? How about we go down to the store and get that shiny red bicycle you wanted?"
So, they go to the store and the dad buys the bike for his son. Then he says, "well Johnny, do you want to ride the bike home?"
The boy answers, " No, that's okay Dad, My ass is still sore!"
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Little Johnny was talking a walk down the street when he found something on the road. He was not sure what it was and was playing with it when this man came running towards him out of breath.
"Hey kid that is mine. Can I have it back please?" the man said
Little Johnny said, "Well i found it first."
The man was getting mad becuse it was a condom and he needed it, then he remembers he has a loney in his pocket and says, "hey little boy i will give you this loney if i can have that.. er.. donnut."
Little Johnny is pleased with the deal and the next thing you know he's back home with a really big smile on his face.
Little johnny's mom noticed this and said, "Why are you so happy then?"
Little Johnny replied, "Because this man on the street gave me this loney for this donnut I had, but what he doesn't know is I licked all the jelly out first."
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Little Johnny was just being potty trained and his mom tried this new method with 6 steps:
1. Unbutton pants
2. Pull pants down
3. Pull foreskin back
4. Pee
5. Push foreskin forward
6. Pull pants up and button up
She walked past the bathroom one day and heard Johnny going 1,2,3,4,5,6 and she was thinking she did good.
Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast 3-5,3-5,3-5...
----------------------------------------------------
"Class dismissed!" the teacher yelled but little Johnny doesn't go.
He walks to the teachers desk and says, "Teacher can i go home with you?"
The teacher says "No!"
Little Johnny says, "I'll tell my daddy."
So the teacher says, "Okay."
They get to the teachers house and she says, "Well i'm going to take a quick shower, you sit right here."
"Can i take a shower with you?" he asks.
The teacher says "No!"
Little Johnny says, "I'll tell my daddy."
So the teacher says, "Well okay, I guess."
So their in the shower and little Johnny says, "Can i turn off the lights?"
The teacher says "No!"
Little Johnny says, "I'll tell my daddy."
So the teacher says, "Okay."
So the lights are off and little Johnny says, "Can i stick my finger in your belly button?"
The teacher says "No!"
Little Johnny says, "I'll tell my daddy."
"Well okay." says the teacher, "JOHNNY!, that's not my belly-button!"
"Yeah? and that's not my finger eather!"
The terrorist who survived the attack on Glasgow airport was taken to hospital for treatment, however he complained that for every meal, breakfast dinner and tea he was given Tatties Neeps and Haggis.
The nurse told him what do you expect in the Burns Unit.
Cheers
NCM
World's funniest joke - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
This joke was voted as the world's 2nd funniest joke and I laughed at it (i thought the 1st funniest was stupid)
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute: "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
Two nuns climbing back over the convent wall after a night on the town,
sister Agnes says to sister Mary, I feel like a commando, sister Mary replies don't be so F-ckin stupid where are we going to get a commando at this time of night.
A salesman in a hotel room cant get to sleep for the noise coming from a convent across the street, so he goes across and knocks on the door.
The mother superior answers and he asks her what is going on,Oh were holding a monks ball she says
Well could you kindly let go of it I'm trying to get some f--kin sleep
Cheers
NCM
No one liked my little johnny jokes :(
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
LOL, that made me laugh too :D
I liked them :thumbsup: just got helluva eye strain trying to read them LOL.Quote:
Originally Posted by cannabis campbell
Its an age thing.
Cheers
Going for the Optrex bottle
NCM
A girl is in an elevator and she says to the man next to her "T.G.I.F." and he says "S.H.I.T." she looks confused ... and he says "sorry hunny its thursday" ... ha ha ha? only one i knew LOL
I met a chinese girl in the pub,She said.. I love english men so much,take me home!!. On the way home she kept saying how much she loves english men and that she would do anything for an english man!!When we got home she said..I will do anything what do you want? I said how about a 69?She said...Im not cooking at this time of night!!
I dont get that one ^ ?? Lol.
ur jokin right?
a black swan walks into a pub....the barman says...hey theres a pub down the road thats named after you!! the swan says...What steve??
huh?
lol cc you're stoned i aready posted that joke in this thread, are you trying to steal my thunder and pass it off as the real mccoy! :stoned:Quote:
Originally Posted by cannabis campbell
:( ??