I Believe In Evolution, Except For The Whole Triassic Period

I Believe In Evolution, Except For The Whole Triassic Period | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

I Believe In Evolution, Except For The Whole Triassic Period

By Stephen Jossler
May 30, 2007

I consider myself a rational person. When I have a question, I turn to science and logic to find the answer. Regarding the origins of life, science tells us that humans evolved from single-celled organisms to our current form through a process of natural selection that took billions of years.

This much is clear to anyone with any background in modern thinking. We can look at the fossil record and trace many of our genetic traits back to ancient species. In fact, scientific reasoning can explain nearly every stage of life from the Big Bang to the present day. I say "nearly" because the period that scientists claim lasted from roughly 205 to 250 million years ago, commonly known as the Triassic period, was quite obviously the work of the Lord God Almighty.

Don't get me wrong: I'm not one of those religious nut cases who denies that evolution is real. Of course evolution is real, just not during the "Triassic period."

This so-called Triassic period saw the formation of scleractinian corals and a slight changeover from warm-blooded therapsids to cold-blooded archosauromorphs. Clearly, such breathtakingly subtle modifications could only have been achieved by an active intelligence.

The secular Triassicists would have you believe that these changes were just the result of millions of years of nature favoring certain genes over others in order to adapt, the same way evolution worked prior to the Triassic. Obviously, that doesn't make any sense. Think about it: I'm supposed to believe that the same process that we know slowly changed us from simple bacteria into highly advanced reptiles over the course of the Paleozoic era is also responsible for turning us into highly advanced reptiles with different body lengths? Do these people ever pause to think how ridiculous they sound as they advance these theories?

For a half-dozen million years, life advanced from prokaryotes to primitive fish to mammal-like reptiles via natural selection, and we're supposed to believe that that just continued happening? I don't think so. Isn't it much more likely that a formless, invisible deity intervened, temporarily stopped the course of evolution, and shaped each and every trilobite over a period of six days? Of course it is, at least to any objective observer.

So, if you follow my reasoning to its logical end, the only sound conclusion is that, at some point, God paused evolution and stepped in, made a few modifications, and boom! Pterosaurs. There is simply no way evolution alone could be responsible for the giant leap between archosaurs and other, different archosaurs with better developed hip joints and slightly differently shaped teeth.

Everything about the Triassic period points to divine involvement. Let me ask you this: Could some kind of random genetic chance make the population of shelled cephalopods grow significantly? No, of course not. So the only logical explanation is that there was an infinite and all-knowing cephalopod creator who modified their mollusk foot into a muscular hydrostat that eventually, on the sixth day, became a tentacle.

So, when I tell you that after the Paleozoic era, Ceratodon lungfish became relatively common, it naturally follows that someone created that lungfish by hand and then took out one of its lungfish ribs and combined it with the dust of the Earth to create a female lungfish.

In the beginning, there were a few billion years of speciation and gene drift. And then nothing. And then, God made the lungfish and the trilobites, the ichthyosaurs and ammonoids with more complex suture patterns. He also made a couple new ferns.

And the Lord saw that these slight modifications were good, and allowed evolution to resume as normal in the Jurassic period and on up to the present day.

Now that I've inarguably proven the truth, we need to take a stand against these pseudoscientists who are misrepresenting 300-million-year-old fossils as 230-million-year-old fossils and claiming the Earth is 44 million years and 51 weeks older than it really is.

We need to get the Triassic period expunged from our public schools' evolutionary textbooks. I don't want my children to be exposed to this blasphemous Triassic garbage, and I assume you don't want your children to be, either. They need to know that God is watching over them always, and that he has a plan for each and every one of themâ??a nonlinear, probabilistic plan he set in motion more than three billion years ago with single-celled organisms, ended with a group of small, lizard-like herbivores, infused with a bunch of miracles, and then restarted.

We can no longer ignore the empirical evidence.

Something is telling me that I'm supposed to take this as a joke...

Fuck it, CREATIONIZM LOL

hahah nice satire, I like it

I firmly believe in the development of technology and computing, except for the Internet. It is sooooooooo obvious it was invented by Al Gore. I mean, think about it, why else does it work so well?

Great find :)

thats pretty stupid lol... i dont even know where to start.... so my final thought is...

This guy has alot of crack hes been smokin to make that bullshit up




*edit* Could some kind of random genetic chance make the population of shelled cephalopods grow significantly? Fuckin rights it could an it did

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Originally Posted by Oil_Man

thats pretty stupid lol... i dont even know where to start.... so my final thought is...

This guy has alot of crack hes been smokin to make that bullshit up




*edit* Could some kind of random genetic chance make the population of shelled cephalopods grow significantly? Fuckin rights it could an it did

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its all good man, its called satire. The author has obviously heard a number of opinions favoring this absurd theory and is making fun of it passive-aggressively.

Lawlz.

How high were you when you wrote dat?

^^^Id like to ask you the same question... and then LMAO

I guess you didnt read any of the posts talking about how it was all a JOKE?

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hows thizzin workin out for ya??

That is one complex piece of writing, I am a bit too baked and pre-occupied with the present future at the moment to dig my jaws into it though. :stoned:

The god nutters give creationism a bad name, from my study of life science it is my conclusion that there is defintaley something miraculous about the universe, a lot of things. Darwins theory is too mechanical.

"Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind."

Evolution of the mind and body are as REAL as a heart attack.
HOWEVER, our AWARENESS/CONSCIOUSNESS is immortal.
Therefore, this idea that we have evolved from something in this world is simply laughable.

I did not write that. I just copied and pasted it from the Onion. I could never be nearly as funny as they are.

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Originally Posted by Staurm

The god nutters give creationism a bad name, from my study of life science it is my conclusion that there is defintaley something miraculous about the universe, a lot of things. Darwins theory is too mechanical.

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Too mechanical? Why would it being less mechanical be a benefit to the theory? We live in a mechanical universe, where particles follow trajectories through space-time in mathematically precise trajectories. Darwin and subsequent evolutionary biologists have accounted for how patterns of these particles can create complex life-forms over billions of years of natural selection. If you don't like the mechanicity of natural selection, that's too bad, because the world works that way whether you like it or not.

We are the children of mathematics and chemistry and physics. We are the children of the hydrogen and helium present at the beginning of the universe, compressed by stars into heavier elements, strewn throughout the cosmos by supernova explosions, condensed together by the power of gravity and molded into complex life forms by natural selection.

Given billions of years, hydrogen and helium are capable of learning about themselves! The cosmos, following the mechanistic laws of mathematics and logic and physics, has gained the ability to learn about itself through vessels such as ourselves. It is the most amazing scientific discovery of all time, and yet some people find it somehow lacking. They want something more amazing, and for the life of me I cannot imagine anything more amazing or awe-inspiring than the picture of our origins provided by science.

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"Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind."

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Science and religion are diametrically opposite ways of attempting to learn the truth about the universe. Science attempts to extract truth from the universe through testing and observation, constantly improving its accuracy by throwing out bad ideas and adopting only the ones that can be shown to work, while religion says "This is so, and I'm not changing my mind, because I'm certain this is so, even though I can't prove it to you."

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Originally Posted by xblackdogx

Evolution of the mind and body are as REAL as a heart attack.
HOWEVER, our AWARENESS/CONSCIOUSNESS is immortal.
Therefore, this idea that we have evolved from something in this world is simply laughable.

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What makes you think awareness/consciousness is immortal? The brain is the center of consciousness. It creates consciousness. Damage parts of the brain, and you damage your consciousness. We know what parts of the brain correspond to what aspects of consciousness. Damage your visual cortex and you lack the ability to perceive visual stimuli. Damage the Wernicke's area and you'll have severe problems understanding and creating language. And so forth... When you damage all these parts of the brain (i.e. when the brain dies), you lose all aspects of consciousness and awareness.

You are temporary, and it's very important to realize that if you don't want to underestimate the value of life. This is not just a place to wipe your feet before you get to wherever you'll be spending the rest of eternity. This is it. This is all you've got. This is your only shot at experiencing anything. So make it good. Stop hoping for pie in the sky when you die and enjoy yourself here, now, before it's too late.

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Originally Posted by Oneironaut

You are temporary, and it's very important to realize that if you don't want to underestimate the value of life. This is not just a place to wipe your feet before you get to wherever you'll be spending the rest of eternity. This is it. This is all you've got. This is your only shot at experiencing anything. So make it good. Stop hoping for pie in the sky when you die and enjoy yourself here, now, before it's too late.

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This is the real deal right here - I couldn't agree more.

So much so I'm off to smoke a bowl right now :stoned:

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Originally Posted by Oneironaut

Too mechanical? Why would it being less mechanical be a benefit to the theory? We live in a mechanical universe, where particles follow trajectories through space-time in mathematically precise trajectories. .

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No we don't. To first and second order estimations planets follow trajectories according to Newtons mechanical laws, beyond that they follow topological paths based on chaos theory and geodesics based on General relativity. This is the same for everything in the universe, nothing can be predicted with 100% accuracy using mechanical laws, the universe and the life that exists in it does not work like a clock slowly winding down.

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Originally Posted by Oneironaut

Darwin and subsequent evolutionary biologists have accounted for how patterns of these particles can create complex life-forms over billions of years of natural selection. If you don't like the mechanicity of natural selection, that's too bad, because the world works that way whether you like it or not.

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Darwin came up with some interesting theories, I am not saying he was completely wrong, just that his theories only explain life and evolution from a very limited stand point. More contemporary theories use chaos theory, network theory to explain life and evolution.

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Originally Posted by Oneironaut

We are the children of mathematics and chemistry and physics. We are the children of the hydrogen and helium present at the beginning of the universe, compressed by stars into heavier elements, strewn throughout the cosmos by supernova explosions, condensed together by the power of gravity and molded into complex life forms by natural selection..

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Interesting theory, but sadly falls flat on its face when it attempts to explain how life forms could have evolved from giant hydrogen clouds in the sky into the forms we see today on the planet. Show me a mechanical theory that explains it and I'll happily review Prigogine's theory of dissipative structures and autopoietic network theory.

"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love."

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Originally Posted by Oneironaut

Given billions of years, hydrogen and helium are capable of learning about themselves! The cosmos, following the mechanistic laws of mathematics and logic and physics, has gained the ability to learn about itself through vessels such as ourselves. It is the most amazing scientific discovery of all time, and yet some people find it somehow lacking. They want something more amazing, and for the life of me I cannot imagine anything more amazing or awe-inspiring than the picture of our origins provided by science..

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Likewise, and I think if you were to take your research further into the realms of science that I explore you might find it even more rewarding.

"The eternal mystery of the world is its comprehensibility."

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Originally Posted by Oneironaut

Science and religion are diametrically opposite ways of attempting to learn the truth about the universe. Science attempts to extract truth from the universe through testing and observation, constantly improving its accuracy by throwing out bad ideas and adopting only the ones that can be shown to work, while religion says "This is so, and I'm not changing my mind, because I'm certain this is so, even though I can't prove it to you.".

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Not my religion. I'd say the scientific discourse also suffers from the same stagnant and ego-centric mindset.

"A person starts to live when he can live outside himself."

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Originally Posted by Oneironaut

What makes you think awareness/consciousness is immortal? The brain is the center of consciousness. It creates consciousness. Damage parts of the brain, and you damage your consciousness. We know what parts of the brain correspond to what aspects of consciousness. Damage your visual cortex and you lack the ability to perceive visual stimuli. Damage the Wernicke's area and you'll have severe problems understanding and creating language. And so forth... When you damage all these parts of the brain (i.e. when the brain dies), you lose all aspects of consciousness and awareness.

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And mechanics can prove that can it?

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Originally Posted by Oneironaut

You are temporary, and it's very important to realize that if you don't want to underestimate the value of life. This is not just a place to wipe your feet before you get to wherever you'll be spending the rest of eternity. This is it. This is all you've got. This is your only shot at experiencing anything. So make it good. Stop hoping for pie in the sky when you die and enjoy yourself here, now, before it's too late.

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I think you need to open your mind.

"The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing."

Nice debate, I wish I had more time to reply. I'm too busy working at the moment. Keep it coming and I will try to reply when I have time.

:thumbsup:

I tried so hard to make sense of what that article was saying, it was almost disappointing (although not surprising) to find out that it was satire. Good find. :thumbsup:

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Originally Posted by Oneironaut

What makes you think awareness/consciousness is immortal? The brain is the center of consciousness. It creates consciousness. Damage parts of the brain, and you damage your consciousness. We know what parts of the brain correspond to what aspects of consciousness. Damage your visual cortex and you lack the ability to perceive visual stimuli. Damage the Wernicke's area and you'll have severe problems understanding and creating language. And so forth... When you damage all these parts of the brain (i.e. when the brain dies), you lose all aspects of consciousness and awareness.

You are temporary, and it's very important to realize that if you don't want to underestimate the value of life. This is not just a place to wipe your feet before you get to wherever you'll be spending the rest of eternity. This is it. This is all you've got. This is your only shot at experiencing anything. So make it good. Stop hoping for pie in the sky when you die and enjoy yourself here, now, before it's too late.

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One,
for you to minimalize consciousness as an insignificant thing is a joke in its own. Generally speaking, if i had to determine what lies before and after this HUMAN experience, it would be AWARENESS/CONSCIOUSNESS. Who is the beneficiary of every EXPERIENCE you've had? It is awareness itself - YOU - the beneficiary. Realize that everything BUT awareness is constantly changing and you'll look a who "you" are a little differently.

As for me,
i got some body, i've got somebody's mind. this body is not mine, but this consciousness certainly is and always will be :thumbsup:

cough cough.... crackhead

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Originally Posted by xblackdogx

One,
for you to minimalize consciousness as an insignificant thing is a joke in its own. Generally speaking, if i had to determine what lies before and after this HUMAN experience, it would be AWARENESS/CONSCIOUSNESS. Who is the beneficiary of every EXPERIENCE you've had? It is awareness itself - YOU - the beneficiary. Realize that everything BUT awareness is constantly changing and you'll look a who "you" are a little differently.

As for me,
i got some body, i've got somebody's mind. this body is not mine, but this consciousness certainly is and always will be :thumbsup:

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Uneducated lunatic. Awareness changes all the time, as does the rest of your mind. Never heard of brain damage? Consciousness is fragile not eternal.

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Originally Posted by Oh My High

I firmly believe in the development of technology and computing, except for the Internet. It is sooooooooo obvious it was invented by Al Gore. I mean, think about it, why else does it work so well?

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u mean manbearpig...don't u?

ignorance is bliss... im sure glad everyone hear has it all figured out hell i can go home now lmao...

I belive in evolution, but the promblem is, I dont belive in evolution.

Is that a deliberate spelling/grammer mistake error, and if so is it also because you do or don't evolve?

It amuses me greatly when people fill the gaps in evolutionary theory with this "Intelligent Design". What exactly is so intricate about our universe that it must be the result of a creator? Cancer-causing DNA (molecular basis of all life)? Our eventual collision with the galaxy Andromeda? Take a brief moment to think about the colossal majority of the universe that we can't live in? Better yet, 99.99999999% of the universe would kill us instantly. The fact that more than 90% of all life that has ever existed on earth is now extinct? Doesn't seem very intelligent to me.

and then the lord god said "let there be the triassic period" and the lord god saw it was good.


meanwhile, billions of years in the future, here i am toking up on the bong thinking "who the fuck gives a fuck about this? fuck!".

that was awfully explained.