Hi all. I am here for some advice and guidanceā?¦ I hope I came to the right place. Here is my situation.
Iā??m a female in my late 20ā??s. My substance use history is as follows: experienced with alcohol, smoked a few bummed cigarettes from friends over the years (but never was a smoker), and I tried pot once at 16 (though it did nothing for me).
Last year I met my boyfriend and future husband. I found out soon after we met that smokes pot. At first I was very upset. I was raised in a very Christian fundamentalist home (although I lost my faith long ago) and Iā??ve always been in a sort of ā??bubbleā? when itā??s come to any kind of drugs. I went to a Christian college, none of my friends ever did any illegal drugs, and I was also exposed to a lot of conditioning about the dangers of drugs. Iā??ve been taught that pot was the gateway drug, just as bad as any other drug, worse for your lungs than cigarettes, all the scare tactics really.
So, when I found out he smoked pot I wasnā??t pleased. I am certain that if it were anyone else but him I would have broken up with him over that fact, from the very beginning. It was only because I fell in love with him so hard (to where I knew I wanted him and nobody else for the rest of my life) that I decided to embark on the long journey of evaluating my own biases, questioning the validity of everything Iā??ve been taught, and basically re-structure a foundation that has been firmly set for my entire life. Not easy to do, but again, for him I would do (almost) anything. Now, I respect myself as well, so if it were a very dangerous drug that had serious and harmful health implications I would not have risked it for anyone, but he started to educate me that it wasnā??t as bad as everyone ā??out thereā? purports it to be. Of course I didnā??t just take his word for it; I read about it, studied it, and realized there is something to what he is saying.
So, I tried it. For the last year and a half that I have known him Iā??ve smoked it with him maybe every other weekend. On Friday nights when we indulge, I would either smoke pot with him or Iā??d drink Vodka and Diet Coke. Iā??ve only done the two together maybe twiceā?¦ The pot will usually make me stop wanting to drink, but anyway... He doesnā??t like to drink because of the hangover (heā??s a wimp) and because it impairs his function more than pot. He also firmly believes that pot is much healthier for society than alcohol anyway, a view Iā??ve adopted myself (especially since I work in the mental health field and see the damage of alcohol). Also, due to some recent stresses in my life, (and because I drink it infrequently ā?? only once a week) alcohol hasnā??t been as good to me. Although I only drink on Friday nights, itā??s become much more of a depressive for me than a helper, and I end up crying and being more miserable for drinking than if I didnā??t. Also, if I drink and get upset and cry, I make my bf miserable and I do not want to do this to him. Itā??s not fair. Also, if this happens to me, it does NOT make the hangover worth it. I want something that makes things pleasant, not horrible. So, I have been considering eliminating the alcohol completely and smoking pot with my boyfriend instead.
Here is the problem Iā??m running into: it doesnā??t seem to do for me what he says it does for him and what I see everyone else saying it does for them. I really wish it did because I would rather smoke pot (and be happy + feel good the next day) than drink and risk not only a hangover but that it will hit me badly and make me depressed. I would like to share with you what pot does to me in hopes that you all might have some advice as to how I can achieve what you all are talking about!
1) It makes me shake and get really cold. Even if itā??s warm in the room, I will need a sweatshirt!
2) It makes me anxious and the opposite of relaxed. When this happens, I just canā??t wait for it to wear off! A couple of times it even made me grind my teeth.
3) I canā??t do the kind of things my boyfriend does: he will play computer games and get totally absorbed in them. I lose any idea of who my character is and where the attack button is and where Iā??m even going. He watches TV and movies and I strain really hard to remember scene to scene: I canā??t remember who the characters are and what they do and why they do it, but I do see one little scene and my mind starts to run with it and make all kinds of unrelated things out of it ā?? none of which has anything to do with the movie!
4) I do not get mood enhancing qualities. In fact most of the time I am worried about something. I donā??t get paranoid per se, because I realize Iā??m under the influence of a drug and I tell myself that the horrible thing has come to mind isnā??t real. Itā??s nothing that actually convinces me, but it does intrude, constantly, without the happy feeling. For example, Iā??ll get this doomed feeling like my bf doesnā??t really love me, or I have a feeling that no matter all my accomplishments I am worthless and everyone knows it. I make myself snap out of it but I donā??t like those thoughts to bug me so frequently!
5) My sense of time, space, and coordination is messed up and I feel like Iā??m constantly trying to snap myself out of this or to rise above it and this takes a lot of effort mentally. Just going to the bathroom is difficult and I have to work really hard.
6) I canā??t follow a conversation to save my life. Over the weekend we visited my BFā??s father and we took a walk in the woods. They smoked some and so did I because I didnā??t want to be the only one who didnā??t (and because every time I do it I hope that it will be the time when it actually works well!). Instead of sitting put for the duration they decided to go on a hike in the woods among streams with rocks and branches in our faces and rough groundā?¦ it was horrible for me because I could barely make it walking, but they were talking in depth about politics and such and I had no clue what they were saying from one sentence to the next and I felt sooo stupid. Then I became fixated that if I didnā??t say anything for too long they would wonder if I was OK and I didnā??t want to make a fool of myself and would try to figure something to say but I couldnā??t formulate anything well enough and I think that the one or two things I said were not even in the same realm but they were really nice and didnā??t let on that it made no sense. I couldnā??t wait for it all to shake off so I could follow what they were saying. They sat down and took a ā??boosterā? hit and that one I turned down because I was glad to be regaining some focus back.
7) I donā??t get the munchies!!! This is sooo weird ā??cause I read it everywhere and my bf can EAT when heā??s stoned (chocolate, candy bars, etc.) and I want nothing. I tried candy but it was waaay too sweet and then I even tried my favorite food (Vietnamese spring rolls with peanut sauce) and the peanut sauce was so strong that I couldnā??t eat it.
Now there have been some positives, but damn it, they are not consistent and the bad effects totally outnumber the good. The positives are as follows:
1) I did see one movie that made me laugh so hard while stoned like I never laughed before. The thing is, I donā??t remember the rest of the movie, but there was a scene, I think in Harold and Kumar go to White Castle, where a guy is eating a hamburger sitting on the back of a truck where a hose was leaking ā??ass juiceā? from having just cleaned the outhouse. I think it was Harold and Kumar and I thought Iā??d pass out once I started laughing, I couldnā??t stop.
2) Sometimes it feels better about an hour or two after I smoke when it wears off ā?? it does feel peaceful and light but itā??s also accompanied by really weak muscles like I canā??t get up and do anything. Although this time is one of the few times Iā??m actually content to just lay there and watch TV ā??cause I usually donā??t do well just watching TV. When this wearing off is happening to me, it is usually when my bf will smoke more.
3) One or two times only, itā??s hit me in that more ā??mild stageā? where I didnā??t get the shivers, I didnā??t feel anxious, and I felt light and warm. But thatā??s only been about two times and I do not know how to guarantee that will happen. Most of the times it doesnā??t.
OK all that said, I would really like to learn what to do and how to do it in order to get the same effect everyone says they get, without all the negative outcomes Iā??ve been experiencing. Itā??s always the same source of pot and I do know it is very strong (BF attests to this and he knows pot). I would like to not drink at all, and in fact Iā??m glad I found a bf that doesnā??t drink. But if I canā??t drink I would like to be able to smoke pot, and I will admit I am very jealous that my bf gets pleasure out of pot and I seem to be unable to. If I donā??t drink, Iā??m not left with much of an alternative for Friday nights and I really donā??t like it when he gets high and I canā??t do anything. I can do it, donā??t get me wrong, but I feel left out and tempted by it. I havenā??t expressed the fact that pot doesnā??t quite do the same for me as it does for him. He enjoys us sharing it and Iā??m afraid if I told him I didnā??t respond the way he does to it, he might be disappointed in me. I feel it would be like telling him sex with him doesnā??t get me off. I would feel bad saying something like that to him. So, hopefully this is where you all come in. Iā??ve been very honest and would like some help. I also do hate that itā??s not legal because I hate to add a substance to my repertoire that is so persecuted, but in essence it is more favorable and healthier than either legal alternative on the market! If I do take the risk to use it though, given that itā??s illegal, I would like to at least enjoy it! Anyway, that said, I would really like to learn what to do in order to be better able to appreciate pot and get more favorable reactions from smoking it. So far Iā??ve only tried a pipe (he has a small wooden one) and I typically take three puffs and hold it in for 10-15 seconds each. He will usually do another 2 hits after I do my 3 before he puts it down for a couple of hours. Iā??ve been thinking about getting my own pipe and trying it more frequently so I will get used to it on my own because only doing it every other Friday might be the reason itā??s hitting me the way it does. The thing that kind of bothers me too on a deeper level is the fact that with alcohol I could buy it from the store and with pot I donā??t have my own access to it and I would have to ask my bf to leave some with me for the week. He said he would do it but there is something about that I donā??t likeā?¦ not quite sure what yet ā?? maybe that Iā??m a control freak and I donā??t want to like something I canā??t get on my own? Anyway, still at the beginning of a journey here and I think Iā??ve already introduced too many issues!
