Guys Without Fathers Thread

I grew up never knowing my father. I tried to contact him when I was about 14 but he didn't want anything to do with me. I was devastated at the time and for many years after that, I held onto anger and depression for a long time. I could never understand how someone could completely disregard his own son. Eventually I decided to forgive him, for my own well being. I know what it is like growing up without a dad, though my mom was nice enough to introduce some alcoholic male role models into my life. Growing up I learned early to use the energy and emotion of my circumstance to produce positive results rather than negative, this was probably the single most important decision in my life. That being said, I offer up this thread to anyone who would like to share their feelings, experiences, questions etc... on the topic.

Stop the cycle.
Lead by example.

man... i dont have it as bad as most people i know... my old man walked out when i was 5 or 6 and didnt see me for about 6 months... then he became a weekend dad were he only spent time with me one weekend a month...

then he finaly gets me to move in with him... and around 6 months later kicks me out... and dosent even aknoedge that i exsit until 2 days befor i got arrested he said hi to me...

then after being arrested... i seen him more while i was locked up then i had seen him on the outs in the past six months... and right now, i think hes just doing it to so that he can find some way to get CPS to remove me from my moms....

basicaly life sucks... you know when i was 13 or 14, i thought it would be cooler to live with him...but then i found out he was trying to geet me to move in so he didnt have to pay child saport and if anything he would get child saport in his pocket... im not really sure how i dealt with it... all i know... is i dont have the highest respect for women because i was raised with out a dad to teach me right from wrong... i run the streets bebause he kicked my out...and im not all the smart because of his drug useage when i was still a infant and new born baby

personally, if i was to take anyone's life, it would be his... and i wouldn't try to cover it up either... i'd be fucking proud i wiped such a pathetic assholes's existance off the face of the earth....

http://boards.cannabis.com/cannabis-...-my-chest.html a bit of history.. if you wanna really see deeper...

i guess i'll start at the begining.. (you did afterall, say this is for those who wanna share and i got nothing better to do)

my mom and dad got together when she was like 14ish and he was atleast 20... i was born when my mom was 15. neither were ready for the responsibile, i am literally an 'accident'. skp forward awhile (6 months or so?) my mom and dad are goign out partying all the time... my grandma was always taking care of me... eventually, they learned i was basicly my grandma's kyrptonite.. they didn't want me to begin with, and they sure didn't want me now... they used me for leverage.. any time they wanted something and my grandma said no, they threatened to take me away.... skip forward father... maybe a year? my grandma got custody...

neither were in my life for years after that... no phone call, no cards, no letters.. no nothing. then, they shwoed up oneday and wanted to take me to austin with them for the summer... (by this point they had both my brothers, one a year after i was born, the other, was less than 1..) my dad treated me like shit while i was there.. i was young but i remember.... i wanted to go to the carnival and of course being less then 5 i threw a fit when id idn't get my way... i don't remember if he beat me, but i remember hte anger... he was in a rage... my next memory is going to the pool... i had to take a shit and he told me if we had to go home, we wouldn't come back. i didn't want to make my brothers leave, so i shit in the pool (yes i did, i remember it specificly lol) of course, he saw it, took us home, beat me, then made me stand in a diaper (i was atleast 5 or so) in the bathtub and called all his drunk/druggie friends over to come laugh at me and humiliated me...

not long after that i called my grandma, and made them drive the few hour drive to come pick me up... that was again, the last i saw either for a long time.... eventually after many beatings and abuse my mom left him (but he won custody, since he was older, and was the provider) a couple years after that, my mom came back in my life, she moved back to houston (which is like 30 mins drive from me at most) so she was there for awhile.... durring all this time, (years upon years) my dad came to my grandma's and brought my brothers ONCE... other then that i didn't even know the man... all i knew was he was my dad.. i ddin't even know his name...

forward a few more years, after my youngest brother wound up with a broken collar bone, an investigation opened up for abuse... (which the collar bone was what he said happened, he fell down while climbing up a ladder to an abnormally tall slide, my other brother confirmed that, even after our dad was long out of the picture... but the investigation brought fourth the actual abuse...

my mom won custody back of my brothers, and child support (of which the fucker even nearly 10 years later is yet to even pay ONE payment, and he wans't poor, he was a master chef for fancy restuarants by this time, bringing in over 15 an hour... and needed to only support himself... which is where his new addiction came from, but more on that a bit later) the stories surfaced...

he NEVER touched the middle brother, johnathon... but nick... he beat relentlessly, nearly every day... literally throwing my 10 or less year old youngest brother through walls... back handing him with a CLOSED fist because he saw a cigarette burn in the seat of his camaro that HE (MY DAD) put there.... he was angry so he hit my brother... there are countless stories of beatings, that my brother remembers perfectly...

then came his addiction... rock... he was making over 15 an hour.. and had to only support himself, so what does a low life like him do (that owes child support btw, and ont even alot.... bringing in a couple grand atleast a month, and he owes like 200 a month) spends it all on rock... this went on for many many many many years.... when i was 16, he finally came back to my town (and lived in my grandparents house with me) then, he decided it was time to take control of me, and become the dad he should have been along time ago, but it was too late....

for my own sanity i tried... i knew i needed and craved a real father, but it all fell apart only months later... my hate for him was just too strong to forgive and forget... i wanted this mother fucker dead even then.... he tried to convert me to christian... why? becuase he's god's 13th deciple, the end of the world is coming, god talks to HIM (not he talks to god), sucks jesus up, and lets god fuck him 'in his pussy' and 'he has a pussy for god and he loves the love (fucking) god gives him'....

i went to juvi, and everythign came out durring a counseling session... for 30 minuts straight, all my feelign poured out, no one but me was talking (And i'm usually a slow talker) my talking was almost so fast that i could of beat a mexican speaking in tounges durring church by words per minute... after that, and after i got out.. our relationship was rocky at best... (i only ever saw him cuz johnathon was now living with him)

the next part is the hardest for me... my brother was murdered... and i KNOW (he hasn't admitted neither has the murderer, but i know, i know without a doubt cuz i knwo him, i know my brother, and i know what he police reports said) and it's his fault. what i KNOW happeened is my dad got soem rock and obviously used it, swearing he was good for it, and when he didn't have the money my brother offered to stay there while my dad went and got the money, when it took longer then expected, an argument followed... my brother would back down from no one, man or god, mortal or immortal.... gun or no gun... and that's when he was shot... (i can almost garuntee the last words out of my brothers mouth before the trigger was pulled was "if you're gonna shoot you better do it now.." (he has said it to someone before, even with a gun in his face)

because of my father, i'm scarred for life, my youngest brother is one angry individual with serious problems (i'm th same as him, but i went through counseling and i learned to deal with it, atleast to an extent... my brother hasn't...), my other brother's dead, and my family is destroyed... (not even his own brothers ever want to see him again... not his mother, not his father.. NO ONE, but he was kind of hte final wedge that pried myf amily apart once and for all... my family had a lot of strain, but by the time he was gone and wreacked his havok, everythign was gone, every tie, every bond...)

so there you go, the worst waste of space to ever walk the face of this earth... and it's not just my anger... he's lower then dirt, and thinks of only himself. he's abusive, and worse yet is the fact that he's an insane christian... believing he's the center of god's universe, atleast of the living... he literally feels he's as important to god as jesus was...

I have a dad although he's mentally unstable, he's spent years in a mental home but for some reason was let out(he only told me recently down the phone). I guess he did his best with me but my dad and mum were always arguing. Not just small things, my dad is also a smoker so he would go on a psycho rampage sometimes..The first memories I have of him being psycho were when he tore down the "no smoking" sign a drew because it was no smoking day when I was 7 or 8. Anyways when I was 10 or 11 things just got steadily worse, my mum was already an emotional wreck because he constantly made her feel like shit. My mum was sitting watching tv or something and he came in, held her up against the wall and punched her a lot. We stayed with my granny for a few days after this while my dad stayed in the house, until the police forced him out of it or something. Then the divorce began, aparently it's the worst for the kids but it tormented my mum so much more than me. I remember seeing my dad at court, the first time I'd seen him after he'd hit my mum...it was like looking at a different person. I always knew he was a psycho but I never thought he would go that far, that low. Anytime they used to argue I would talk to myself, this helped me through a lot and still helps me with shit. When im depressed, i'll talk or joke with myself, yes it sounds like im a psycho too who has split personalities but I dont. I never had people I could talk to...so I talked to nobody, said my words and feeling into nothingness. It helps me through loads of stuff of course I dont walk down the street talking and laughing to myself. Although sometimes I'll randomly think of a hilarious joke and burst out laughing...cant help it. So yeah...my dads screwed up and over the passed few years I barely have talked to him. I dont care about him...I care about the people he has screwed up though. My mum mainly although there are massive traces of him in my sister. I mean I think she might be mentally damaged aswell...she can go pretty psycho....Then theres my other sister, she goes psycho but its not un-natural..shes a doctor to and has recently been to amsterdam :hippy: . Oh yeah....theres me...a random, chilled out, stoner...ive been called a moonchild as far back as I can remember.....

Obviously I dont know what it's like to have no father completely...but thats my shit...peace.

My Dad died when I was 10 and my mom's always been a coke/meth head on the run from the law, so I had neither. But somehow I turned out better than most "normal" people.

Dad: Steroid addict. Left when I was 10. Remarried when I was 13, didn't invite me or inform me of the wedding. Did daddy-dates (once every few weeks had dinner with him). Stopped all contact with me when I was 14..haven't heard from him in 3 years, not even a birthday card. I don't care. I don't need a dad. When I got arrested when I was 13, my dad stood next to me in court and said "That's my girl" with a grin on his face.

But the asshole really fucked me up and now I can't stand being without a boyfriend, I need a male in my life. I've been in abusive relationships and borderline abusive relationships and delt with it 'cause of fear of rejection ("Please don't leave me"). I've got anger issues and depression which I blame him for. Or so my therapist says.

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Originally Posted by BabyFacedAbortion

I've got anger issues and depression which I blame him for. Or so my therapist says.

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There are drugs for that. A therapist can't perscribe them though...

Damn... compared to all you folks i had it good.
I had the most caring loving wonderful father anyone could wish for for 15 years of my life, then he died.
Doesnt seem so bad comparatively but its a bitch.
The question comes down to: Is it worse to have something and lose it forever or never have the chance to have it?

...my dad died when I was 10 years old.. also...he was my best friend....

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Runaway Jim

Damn... compared to all you folks i had it good.
I had the most caring loving wonderful father anyone could wish for for 15 years of my life, then he died.
Doesnt seem so bad comparatively but its a bitch.
The question comes down to: Is it worse to have something and lose it forever or never have the chance to have it?

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i'd definately say have and lose...