So, What's Gonna Happen To Me Now?

sit tight man... when that 8 months is over, think how great the world will seem...better thana nything weed (or crack for that matter) could give you! ( i dont do crack...thats bad...im trying to be funny..so just drop it...argh!)...good luck laddy

can you talk to a guidence counseler or someone to that eefect? shes justASKING for trouble if she takes away everything! maybe you could go into a foster home until you are 18 or stay w/ a friend.?If you go to counseling-which i would think they would probably make you do- you could tell that to the couselor and they could pull you out of there or make her lighten the fuck up. this will all pass and you have good friends. adversity makes us stonger(believe it or not) please try to think about the people who really like you and you can always go to library or use friends computer. she has to lighten up at some point. how old is she anyway? maybe shes having extreme hormone problems. but really if you speak to a counselor, it might help. good luck we are here for a reason=to learn and to grow- i think you will really grow from this experience!could you get a copy of high times? you can order it thru them have you checked this website to see it they have it? someone could lend you the$ if you smoke and they find out it could make matters worsr(sorry but i had to throw that in.) just protect yourself is all im trying to sayand hang in there youre very young and have your whole life ahaed of you and a million experiences to experiecne!

I have to really thank all of you though. I used to be on forums all the time because, as I said, I had no life, ^_^. Well, the point is, this forum is probably THE greatest I've ever been on. I've never felt a stronger sense of community than on these boards.
It's...It's as if people ACTUALLY care. It's fantastic.

Anyway, the only thing keeping me going is the fact that in 8 months, as Bunkyhope said, the world is going to seem more beautiful than I'd ever imagined it could be.

Brenda is refusing to let me go to a friend's house to live, and I've received advice that maybe it would be better to just spend 3:30 to 8 at the library. Get all my homework done there, then use the computers there to get on these forums. Then when it closes at 8 (small town, everything is usually closed by 6), I can walk home (I only live about 2 miles away, and it only takes me about 30 minutes to get from there to here and vica versa), and then go straight to my room and read.

I'd have more interaction with people because my friends have already said they'll hang out with me at the library. And the best part is, I have two friends that work there and when I'm not there, I'll "still be there." Know what I mean? ^_^ I just have to make sure that for the first couple weeks, I'm ACTUALLY there in case Brenda decides to say, "Let me talk to him." After that, she'll learn to trust me and the fact that I'm actually at the library. That means, I won't have to be there.

It'll work out fantastically. I've also been asking around and plenty of my friends are willing to loan me a couple bucks every months so I can steadily buy those Urine-Pimp solutions, or other solutions that allow me to pass when I'm not clean.

As to the counselor, I'm thinking about doing just that. The probation officer woman person.........said that family counseling is something we can look into when the time comes. I'm vieing for the counselor and me to talk, and not with Brenda. That will do just what you say, I talk to the counselor, tell them what's going on at home and after my session is done, Brenda gets her turn.
With my expressed permission, the counselor will then relay to Brenda that she should seriously learn to lighten up and give me some things back, including, but not limited it, my BOOKS!

I guess last night was just a really depressing time for me after what the probation officer said. I don't really care anymore, though. I've already accepted that I'll be punished, and now all I have to do is get through the next 8 months. It'll be 100% possible, I think, because I'll have you guys, and all my friends will still be "hangin' on" with me.

I'm not going to let Brenda defeat me. I will never give her the satisfaction of knowing she's defeated me. This isn't just about pride, though. I'm not sure what to call it, but it goes much more than that.

I want to thank every single one of you guys for all the help you've given me over the past 2 or so weeks. They're going to be sending out another letter to us telling when I have to appear in court, probably within the next couple weeks, so now I just have to wait to get that over with!

Hang in there.

Ha. Well, the depression came back ten fold tonight. I went into the living room tonight and here's what happened....

"You're not a parent for doing this to me. You're certainly not a guardian, either, because all you're doing is making it worse. Everyone was saying how happy I seemed all of a sudden. How cheerful I had become. It was become of pot or weed or whatever you wanna call it, but so what. You saw it too, don't fucking lie. You saw how fucking happy I was. To go from hating everyone and myself and wanting to kill myself, to, to loving almost everyone and everything. I even loved summer, and the green grass and the breeze. I loved it all, I loved the world, and I loved life. All my bad feelings and thoughts went away."
"Do you wish I was dead?"
"I wish you were dead."
"That's a terrible thing to say."
"So is calling the fucking cops on me. You're no fucking parent."
"What do you want me to do?"
"You can't do fucking shit now because you already called the fucking cops on me. I pray for your death every night, now. Because living in a foster home would be better than living with you in a house of misery and depression. You're nothing to me now. Nothing."

and I hung up on her.

So...now I guess I'm sitting here crying. I feel ashamed for crying, but not ashamed enough to care and stop it. I'm sorry for crying on your guys' shoulders on the time. I am. I don't have anyone else to talk to anymore.

I haven't seen another human being besides my mom and the probation officer in over a week. I've been locked in my house, unable to go outside.....well.....anyway......bye guys.

"I went into the living room tonight and here's what happened.... "

"and I hung up on her."

... I'm confused, where you talking to her in the living room, or on the phone?

Anyway, dont worry, your like 17 right? Soon you will be old enough to leave, but untill then, try to hang in there, because when you finally do get the freedom you desire, it'll be so much sweeter than if you'd already had it. Also, I know it seems dark now, but all things pass in time, so try not to get too hung up on it.

Yeah, I'd be confused too. I had to go in there to get the phone, haaaa, didn't make that clear, sorry.
I was home alone tonight for most of the night, at least. The old bitch downstairs came up at 6, 8, 9, and 10 she checked on me.

That conversation transpired at about 9:40. When the old woman came up at 10, I guess she thought I was asleep (in my room, lights off, under covers listening to Bob Marley as I cry) and she didn't come back.

My mom went ballistic on me after that though, about...10:10 she calls and I didn't pick up. So she leaves the message,

"Pick up the phone RIGHT NOW, or I'm calling the cops and having them come over there!"
I pick up, "What?!"
"Your brother is coming so unlock the fucking door!"
"Whatever." and I hung up on her again

My brother calls and he's like, "What's goin' on? Mom said you're gonna do somethin' stupid like hurt yourself."

I explain the situation out to him and everything, he's sympathetic, actually. He's somewhat against smoking pot, but he was also one of the people that realized how happy I'd become. So, he asks if there is any way I can get any reefer (his word) tonight because he knows that if I don't get some, I'm probably gonna end up killing myself or something. He is like, well, just try and call some people, if not, go into mom's room and take a Zoloft.

Little did he know that at about.....6:30 I took 8 of them (50 MG). And they worked until about 9 when I was back to be real tired and sluggish.
Then I'm sittin' here listening to Lonesome Town and I get depressed like no fucking other, worse than I ever have been in my life. As I said, I was crying and I started thinking about what Brenda had actually done to me. All that, that's when she called and I said all that to her.

I'm glad I said it though, because at about midnight she called back and was real calm and quiet and asked if I had taken any of the Zoloft, I said "Yeah, about 3." I doubt she counts them, but if she asks why 8 are missing, I'll say I've been taking one a day since Sunday, and they've been merely "getting me through." Not very happy, but not wanting to kill myself. Took 3 tonight so I could actually be happy and smile again.

I don't know.....maybe she might actually lighten up, talk to the prob officer for me.

I can dream......

uhh, i really dont think its a good idea to take eight zoloft. That shit only works (if it works at all) if you take normal doses for like at least a week. Its not a recreational drug by any means, and taking 8 at a time isn't gonna make it one.

i wish i was there with you to help you get though all this i know its tough but 8 months and you can ride by her house with your ass sticking out of the car window with brenda on both cheeks in red magic marker ;) pot is a magical thing but i find myself getting depressed on it lately,it has given my happyness if onl for a short time.i love all my new freinds but even with the help of reefer i find that im sliping back into the person i used to be...the one i truely hate.to make matters worse the girl i've liked since 7th grade is going out with my best freind and even weed cant erase the pain.but the moral of the story is dont use a drug as a crutch to get though life day to day,i did and im becomeing more miserable than i ever was before.i love my ganja but i HAVE to give it up for a while atleast untill i am free of the smoke clouding my mind and it because i was dependant on it maybe it will be a good thing for you to take a break.and do not feel ashamed for crying ive cried myself to sleep many a time too.i would go absolutly bonker if my dad took my books away i feel bad for you not being able to turn those slowly yellowing pages.if you need someone to talk to,leagal advise,or just a freind drop me a line [email protected]

It's been over a week since I've smoked. When I smoked, I would take breaks every couple of months to just get my head straight, get some matters solved, lower my tolerance, etc etc. When it was willingly done, I loved taking breaks. I loved being completely sober and looking around and still seeing that the world is an awesome place. Then I loved getting together with all of my friends after a two or three week break, and then all of us sharing a blunt and some bowls. Awesome stuff.

But, this break is different. It's one that I don't feel is necessary, and it's certainly not willingly done. So, the break is a different one. It's filled with all this depression and sadness because I know that not only can I not smoke for the next 8 or so months, but I'm also not allowed to see any of my friends outside of school. I think...if I could still hang out with my friends, the smoking part wouldn't be so bad. At least then I could be around other people and have fun just by them being there. I went from being anti-social to being almost fully gregarious.

So, it's not that I'm dependent, it's just the thoughts and memories I have of all the "good times" of hanging out with my friends and tokin' a bowl or a couple joints, etc etc, ya know? Really hard to get passed the fact that I also can't go to prom now with the girl I have liked for a long time. I finally asked her to prom, and she said yeah. Now, I'm not allowed to go.

If I could just keep my personal life, I wouldn't mind not smoking as much as I mind it now.

Edit: Also, I'm never doing Zoloft ever again. Even if a doctor were to try and put me on it, I wouldn't take it. It's really fucking with my body. My legs and muscles are jittery and they can hardly be used. My teeth keep chattering nonstop when they're not clamped tight, my pupils are huge as crap and I can't focus on one object without my eyes going nutso facto and the world "jumping" in my vision. I can't sit still for shit, and I'm completely and totally indifferent. "I need to take a shower. But I dont' want to take a shower. Well, I want to, I just don't WANT to." "I need to eat something, I'm starved. But...I don't want to eat. Everything seems gross. Well, I want to eat, I just don't want to it." ETC ETC Not to mention the fact that I have severe insomnia and body temp changes. I've been up since 2 pm yesterday and I feel as if I woke up 2 hours ago. My head is also starting to kill me.....

It blows. I'm hoping this shit stops within the next couple days. I don't think I'm ever going to do another pill "recreationally" for the rest of my life.