A man is talking to his friend and is telling him about a night out he and his wife had a short while ago.
"We went to this wonderful restaurant last week. Hmmmm, what was the name of it? What is that flower, it's red, has thorns?"
" A rose?" his friend replies.
"That's it! Hey Rose, what was the name of that restaurant we went to last week?"
A nun is talking with her Mother Superior. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the Mother Superior.
"Well, I was playing golf and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging ove the fairway and fell straight to the ground after going only about 100 yards"
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle zoomed down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"IS THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Mother Superior.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then the Mother Superior sighed and said "You missed the $#&*% putt, didn't you?"
A police office pulls over a speeding car. The office says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the office writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the office makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teet, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says. "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belf when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing the third ticket the driverturns to his wife and barks. 'WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"No, officer. Only when he's been drinking."
A young woman goes to church to confess her sins to the priest. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
"Tell all of your sins, my daughter."
"Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times." she says.
The priest thinks about this long and hard and says. "Take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a gall glass and drink it."
"Will this cleanse my soul of my sins?"
"No," the priest says, "but it'll wipe that smile off your face!"
A man and his wife were on their honeymoon. The husband took off his pants and handed them to his wife.
"See if they fit."
"They don't"
"Now you see who will wear the pants in this house." She thought a little while, and took off her panties and asked him to try them on.
"I can't get into these."
"And you won't, either, with that attitude."
A mans walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher. The preacher notices the old drunk and says,
"Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says. "Yes, preacher, I sure am."
The preacher dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks.
"Noooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says,
"Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not, Reverend."
The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone,
"My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and yells at the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
and finally.....
Two nuns are riding a tandem bicycle into town. After riding down a dirt road and across a bridge they come to a bumpy old brick road. The nun on the back says, "My, I don't think I've ever come this way before."
The other nun says, "Yes, it's the cobblestones. Aren't they wonderful?"
