Whatâ??s the difference between a drunk and a stoner?
A drunk drives through the stop sign; a stoner waits for it to turn green.
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Whatâ??s the difference between a drunk and a stoner?
A drunk drives through the stop sign; a stoner waits for it to turn green.
haha, :cool: i like that one!!!Quote:
Originally Posted by kr1Nx01
a seal walks into a bar and the bartender says 'what'll you have?'
'anything but canadian club.'
a giraffe walks into a bar and says,"the high balls are on me."....
A polar bear walks into a bar and slams his front feet on the bar and says, " I'll have a ..............................Beer!"
The bartender says,
"What's with the big pause
Two stringbeans decide to cross the road.
One gets hit by a truck. So the other scrapes him off of the pavement and takes him to the Emergency Room.
The doctor comes out and says to the survivor, I have some good news and some bad news.
Hit me with the good news, Doc, the survivor says.
It looks like he'll live, the doctor says.
So what's the bad news?
It looks like he'll be a vegetable the rest of his life.
And finally, ...there was a man who sent 10 puns to some friends in
hopes at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately no pun
in ten did!!!
What do you get when a midget psychic escapes custody?
A small medium at large.
Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist?
He went around denying the existence of dog.
Good ones Anne ~lol~ :D
Here's one I found on another board this morning..
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water he kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "HELL No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer,time after time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,"Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said.... "MONICA, you're free to go!"
hahahahahahahahahaaaa!
Lulu, that was a fucking RIOT! :D Can you just hear George saying, "I ain't no homasexshul!"
Anne, nice ones...post more if you've got em.
Ok :D Last one today I swear ;)
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past
and looks up and says to the monkey "hey! what are you doing?"
The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a
few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going
to get a drink from the river.
The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the
river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps
him to the side,then asks the lizard, "whats the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a
joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the
river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle,
finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he
looks up and says "hey you!"
The Monkey looks down and says "faaaaaaark dude....... :eek:
how much water did you drink?!!" :D
I got a better version I heard:Quote:
Originally Posted by HigHAnneXities
What's the definition of dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
A woman is shot in the tit 3 times and rushed to hospital.
When she finally awakes, the doctor sits her up and says
"I'm afraid I have some bad news. In order for you to live, we must remove your damaged breast. If we do not do so, you will die"
"Never!" the woman replies. "I can't go around with just one breast. Ill take the risk"
So after being suitably patched up, she goes on her way, and after a couple of weeks she reports back to her doctor that she is still alive.
"Well that is indeed good news, however you will now have to live with those 3 bullets inside your breast for the rest of your life."
The woman accepts this and goes on to have a family of 3 children, 2 daughters and a son.
One day, one daughter comes down and tells her mum that whilst having a wee, a Bullet emerged.
The mother runs her child through the incident and explains how it occured.
Another day, the other daughter comes downstairs and tells mum that whilst having a wee, a Bullet emerged.
Again, the mother explains the incident.
Soon afterwards, her Son comes downstairs.
"Don't tell me" the mother says. "You were having a wee and..."
"No mother. I was having a wank and I've just shot the cat":D
Hahahaha, Aps!
A doctor, a lawyer, and a biker are sitting at a bar. After a sip of his martini, the doctor says,"Tomorow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the rock, at least she'll like the car and she'll know I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer says, "Well, on my last anniversary I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she'd at least like the trip and she'd know I love her."
The biker takes a swig of his beer and says, "Oh, yeah? For my anniversary I got my old lady a T-shirt and a vibrator. That way, if she didn't like the shirt, she could go fuck herself."