christian action alert!!!

Thanks man, thats some good advice. But the thing is, it isnt as if everyones been telling me I suck my whole life. I am the oldest of my brothers and everything I did was put on a pedestal. I was pretty much spoiled and I think that all that at such an early age turned me into an asshole. I have always been (not to sound like an asshole:) )very intellegent and one of the "smart" kids in the class so I was always getting this praise but my social life kind of fell off. During middle school and a lot of late lower school though, I got a little bit of heat because I guess I was kind of intimidating and I was also a little full of myself too. After my peers convinced me I was no more special then the rest of the crowd I kind of became the rest of the crowd. But I never felt like I was being genuine, like all this blending in wasnt really me. So for some reason, I've always felt awkward around my peers. I think after being forced to stay in the crowd for so long and now to be expected to branch out and let all these great gifts I have come to fruition my talents are as stifled as an average person. Even I can see the side of me thats full of myself come out in these past few sentences. Sorry if this is all really disjointed but I am very tired and :stoned:

I don't think anyone is more special than another, fikusroot. We all have our gifts, and talents, but those are not what defines a man, imo. Success is measured by happiness, and what you derive your happiness from counts.

You're intelligent, seemingly friendly, your mind is above average, yet you are as everyone else...human. We all have faults, and sometimes those faults are blessings in disguise. They push us to better ourselves, they teach us, and allow us to grow into who/what we want to be, and be known for.

You're not an asshole from what I can see, and you do have Love for humanity, as I saw that in your new religion thread. I don't think you're as lost as you feel, you're just not satisfied, which is a very common thing, man.

Don't be so hard on yourself...


Love,

Well I havent gotten stoned in a while and I got some new weed today and the whole time its being crazy intospective. Ive been sorting out some big issues (I bet it was mescaline or something:) ). But anyway, I just feel in love with everybody right now and Im afraid that tomorrow Ill be my same unagreeable self. I will not disagree that I dont have flaws, I could write a book. However I think that I just have the personality of an asshole and that from that, all my other problems seem to stem. Now, I feel like I have done plenty of good things, I'm not saying I'm a complete asshole, but the more i think about it, the more it makes sense. I also remember thats why I like smoking so much: the after effects. The day after I get high Im unusually agreeable. Everybody notices it and it's fairly obvious. I dont know if I'm just getting big comedowns during the week from smoking on the weekends or what, but I do know that it really helps me distance myself from my ego for a period of time and be more empathatic with others. It really is a love drug... Compare this to if I wake up hung over and would call an anorexic chick fat if she bothered me. Why this stuff isnt legal I will never know. It feels like it does a number on your brain though.

I haven't smoked in a while now, and the Love thing is still stuck to my mentality. I don't want it to go away, so I embrace every bit of it, and extend it towards others as much as possible. I think it offends some, but those who know me personaly appreciate the change. I know what it means to be an asshole, and I know what it means to be a bully. I've been both, and it wasn't until a couple people on this board got me thinking about Love, that I accepted its power. I think it's a beautiful thing. Only, it really makes me aware of my faults sometimes. Maybe that's what's going on with you, man? he ganj has got you Loving, but your mind has got you thinking about all your flaws.


How did that religion assignment turn out, anyway. (For school)

Good grade, or no?


Love,

Pretty good. I got a 91 for some grammar and punctuation errors. Now that I'm sober, I I still feel the same way I did last night, but the more I think of it now, the less I think of myself as an asshole and the more I think of myself as just really nervous and insecure. Like I can literally get sick by being in certain social settings. I dont really see why I have a reason to be insecre but I just am, I really cant help it.

I have social anxiety disorder, and that comes with a degree of insecurity, but it's not a death sentence by any stretch of the imagination. At one time I took paxil for it, (or was it Lexapro) but I've been working it out w/o it lately. All's well in my neigborhood for now...

Nice grade, btw...I always found grammar and punctuation to be a brute, lol! (For me anyway)


Much Love,