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You're not going to marry her, and you can't change a girl. It has nothing to do with human sexuality, she doesn't want something you do. It's just as much a problem for her as it is for you, and you'll either resolve your problems through adult conversation or you won't. That's life, deal with it. There's your dumbass comment for the day.Quote:
Originally Posted by MarzVooolta
I'm not trying to be an asshole, just telling you from experience.
Listen to friendowl,,,U better be good in bed cause she is gonna do a 360...
I agree with B.Basher.
If you cant get her to play the way you like and it is important to you, you have to move on. Or you will be wasting time and resenting or cheating and why go there?
Talk to her. Ask her to try some of the stuff that you like.
See if she will do it for you.
If not, you need to go or give up the kinky shit.
Its hard giving up the kinky shit.
Your teacher was right. When I was first experimenting sexually, it was my religion that held me back, and ended up making me lose a few great guys by my own sex vs. religion drama. Folks are raised being told that sex is bad, especially in a religious community, and especially women. It's part of that whole stud/whore double-standard. It might be a religious guilt issue.Quote:
Originally Posted by MarzVooolta
You sound very serious about this girl, talking about marriage. If you want to marry her despite her sexual awkwardness, then be warned that it might not ever go away. However, if it's completely religiously based, chances are good that she'll feel a lot more comfortable with sex once it's considered completely acceptable and "okay".
I've been following this thread since it was created, and I think the ones who're saying it might be wise to move on are probably giving you good advice. That sex-is-bad religious programming is heavy stuff, and while marriage can help women with those attitudes feel less guilty and slightly more comfortable, it doesn't entirely take away that programming. It would take some serious therapy, and even then that's no guarantee. The other thing is the fact that if something's a problem during the courtship, it tends to be an even worse problem after marriage. Sad but true: marriage often magnifies problems.
This situation interests me because I have had a friend for many years, Julie, who was raised in a very religious home by a very old-fashioned grandmother, who gave her all the sex-is-bad programming, Julie's still very religious herself and is married to Todd, who is the nicest guy in the world. They didn't have a good sex life when they were still dating, which I've heard them both mention, but after they got married, it got even worse. Todd must be the most frustrated man in the world because Julie now completely refuses to have sex because she's so uncomfortable with it. They sometimes go for up to two years without having sex. That's nuts--and it's sad. I wouldn't want you to find yourself in a situation like that. I know Todd regrets that he is. He's told my husband it's a miserable thing to be married to someone with attitudes like that.
Yeowch... sounds like Julie's got issues above and beyond religious programming. I feel for your friend Todd.
She definitely does have some issues. Major intimacy issues of all kinds. And seriously, her grandmother used to give this advice for if she ever had sexual thoughts or feelings: "Honey, just cross your legs and think of Jesus." Puh-leaze. Yeah, I feel very sorry for Todd. He's miserable. So is she, actually. And the worst thing is they have two kids (the most sex they ever had was when they were trying to get pregnant), and the older one, their daughter, is turning out to have very similar attitudes to her mother. Breaks my heart.
Birdgirl, I think I am going to go out on a limb here and respectfully disagree with you. Marzvoolta's girlfriend has expressed an interest in sex, and has apparently even mentioned that she has been willing to experiment. If she is sincere in these comments, their sex life has a lot of hope. Communication is everything, and if she is willing to talk about sex with him, and share her feelings about it, I don't think their sex life is doomed. I also acknowledge how severe her upbringing was, and how that can affect a relationship, but I think in this case she has also acknowledged this, and is willing to work past it. Maybe I am just too hopeful in this situation, IDK, but it is better than getting out of a relationship when it has a chance of recovering after all.
I hope you're right, and I'm glad you said what you did because I may indeed be viewing the situation through glasses that are tinted because of my familiarity with my troubled friends Julie and Todd. Let's hope in this case it's not as bad a situation as theirs! It's always a pleasure to have someone smart and kind help me see I might have a slanted view of something, and I'm a person who regularly needs folks to disagree with me so I get perspective-checks!
I really appreciate all the responses and advice that everyone has given. It really means alot to me that even without knowing me this community on the whole seems very intent on helping people. thats fantastic
I think im going to go with a trial and error type of system to see where that leads me. The porn idea couple with communication seems like a good way to start possibly. Even a therapist doesnt seem to out of reach
Birdgirl, that story breaks my heart. I think its disgusting that Julie was given a point of view similar to my girlfriends without the ability to question it because of it being taught at such an early age. I feel like there is a lot of hope in my case, we love each other greatly and its something we both really want to work on. Ill let everyone know of the progress