I Am Evil

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Originally Posted by Thepossumdance

isn't it possible that the stress from a new important job and going to school is just combining to make you feel this way...

I have a question though... do you still want to find someone to love? do you still have the desire to find a woman who will love you back? or do you love yourself too much now to seriously include someone else in the equation...

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I have a strong desire to find someone I can care about and who would love me unconditionally, who could see past my physical and mental scars. But I lost hope. I'm too afraid to approach women, and none of them would like me even if I did. Look at the perception I'm giving y'all now. I'm not exactly a likeable character. Only a few people care about me. Even if they did, I am socially retarded in terms of talking to people in a social environment. I am only confident in my ability to interact with people in a professional environment.

I don't exactly love myself. I only do what I think is best to get through. I do think about others in that regard. I help people unconditionally, asking nothing in return.

Masterbation. Lots of masterbation.

repeat until you have that spaced out look on your face like you've just came back from a 2 week holiday in Amsterdam.

This proves my point that heaven & hell only exist in one's lifetime.

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Originally Posted by Gippie

O_o no I say get professional help because they might know what going on and help you. I mean I read a lot of books on phycology and I like to know what's going on. I never said you were crazy, but if you understood what was happening and or where it was coming from then you'd be able to deal with it better. You don't need to go to a phycologist if you are good at self diagnosis or read a lot about it and know it well. I mean you were speaking of killing, which is fine, because the mind is designed to kill, and there are reasons why there are mass murderers. On another note, you might be bipolar [like stated earlier] or possibilities continue. You can do it yourself, but it seemed like you were confused as to what was going on, seeing someone might help them dig deeper in to you then you can yourself to see what's really going on. No negativity intended.

Sorry for insulting you. O_o Geezz ... chill :smokin:

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I don't want to kill anyone intentionally. I hate violence. I'm just afraid that one day in one of my episodes of anger, I could kill someone. Or I do it to a random person, and I go to jail.

When I was younger, I saw counselors, psychologists, got prescribed boatloads of medicine for depression and ADD. They didn't think I was bi-polar. It solved nothing. It destroyed a lot of my trust in people. I thought if I could trust anyone other than my family, it would be them. Instead they cooperate with the law, basically being a pee cup away from going to juvie.

You did nothing to insult me. I'm being an ass. Please don't feel like you did any wrong because you didn't.

Seriously, you need to talk to a counselor, psychiatrist, priest, whatever! A trip to your regular doctor might also be in order- just to rule out brain tumors, strokes and other neurological problems that can cause changes in personality. And how's your diet? A lack of "B" vitamins can literally drive you crazy! They are cheap, incidentally. The Dollar Store usually has a month's supply for a buck, Walmart is about the same. That being said....

Choking your friend was bad, but I do not believe you when you say you didn't have any feelings about it after you choked him. If you felt nothing, you wouldn't be talking about it! You say you threw your friend out of the house. I see it a bit differently. Although you were out of control, a part of you knew it, and removed your friend from a dangerous situation. Nor did you choke him to death. You stopped! You are not absolutely "gone". This incident bothered you. There is still that good person inside you.

You have not lost your soul! It is there. You are like someone who has closed his eyes and says "The sun is gone." Your soul is immortal and good. When you "open your eyes", you will see that you are still the same person that you were before- kind, loving and caring.

Each of us fights the fight you are in now. In big ways and in the tiniest of ways, we all make the choices that define us. The fact that you are asking for help, says there is hope! I wish that we could talk face to face and maybe I could be of some real help. (I have a lot of life experience- a nice way to say I'm almost 60 and have been through a lot.) But hon, there has to be someone you can talk to! Keeping it all bottled in, only makes it worse. Talk it out, write it out, express it in art- but don't let that darkness sit inside you to rot and fester!

I know exactly where you are coming from. My "dark side" is pretty scary too. Without going into details, one time when it came out- my hubby saw who I can be. He said I scared the hell out of him. He walked on eggshells for weeks and was really spooked by me. But although that "path" is available to me, I choose not to walk it. Like you, I can see where it leads.

If at all possible, get out of the city, even just for a few hours. I find it easier to get in touch with my "higher self" (or whatever you want to call it) when I am in a natural setting, without other people.

With a little help, you will find your way back to who you are supposed to be. Peace be with you, - Granny:hippy:

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Originally Posted by thcbongman

I don't want to kill anyone intentionally. I hate violence. I'm just afraid that one day in one of my episodes of anger, I could kill someone. Or I do it to a random person, and I go to jail.

When I was younger, I saw counselors, psychologists, got prescribed boatloads of medicine for depression and ADD. They didn't think I was bi-polar. It solved nothing. It destroyed a lot of my trust in people. I thought if I could trust anyone other than my family, it would be them. Instead they cooperate with the law, basically being a pee cup away from going to juvie.

You did nothing to insult me. I'm being an ass. Please don't feel like you did any wrong because you didn't.

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What an insightful post! Parents co-operating with the law rather than supporting their own child is ludicrous.

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Originally Posted by thcbongman

I have a strong desire to find someone I can care about and who would love me unconditionally, who could see past my physical and mental scars. But I lost hope. I'm too afraid to approach women, and none of them would like me even if I did. Look at the perception I'm giving y'all now. I'm not exactly a likeable character. Only a few people care about me. Even if they did, I am socially retarded in terms of talking to people in a social environment. I am only confident in my ability to interact with people in a professional environment.

I don't exactly love myself. I only do what I think is best to get through. I do think about others in that regard. I help people unconditionally, asking nothing in return.

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Your not Evil just lost on a path. You do see that your lost and thats a good step.

I had a Anger. The World made me mad. Everyone was so Dumb and/or a Jerk. Any little thing would make me snap. If someone was Rude or just Stuiped it would just set me off. I would pull people over on the road and fight with them about there driveing.

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Originally Posted by Ganj

Maybe it slowed you down so much that now you feel you need overexert yourself to get anything done. Making up for lost time? And this is all so sudden, bongman. I wouldn't have expected this from you. Is there anything I missed?

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Gosh. It seems like you shoved a microscope into my brain.

Everything has been making up for lost time. After all I have a 2nd chance at life, and I been trying to make the most of it. This past week, it seems like I'm not myself, and I am becoming less optimistic. Like all the pieces are coming off. Another surgery in a couple days to add to the scars I already have. All this hope I had, it feel like it's being sucked away.

I couldn't deny the possibility of overexertion.

It's great to see you around!

Our brains show us a movie of futures events that may or may not happen. Some of the movies run over and over and we feel that we are being drawn more into that world. A thought that we are going to lose control and do something we will regret can become a self fulfilling prophesy. If you see yourself in your mind going banzai on a stranger and you know that doing this will lead to bad juju then that doesn't seem like a very good movie to play in your mind. I like to play movies of me and Nicole Kidman getting jiggy with it on a desert island. Then Nadine from girls aloud turns up and her and Nicole are totally up for a threesome... then... well I think you get the picture. You are the director of your life.

Seriously, meditation will help you.
I don't have tremendous anger problems, but it runs in my blood and I always have had screaming bouts with my parents over little shit. After I picked up some meditation, I realized it was just stupid stuff and I am able to control myself.

Try it out.