Extremely long post, serious advice needed.

Aw BFA it's sad to see you bumming like this.
There have been some great points made here.
Things that come to mind for me...

If you are working out some tough emotional things yourself, that are unrelated to the relationship, you are going to have a hard time giving your man any emotional support, and it is going to be painful for both of you.

You both are still so young. I know it may feel like a love that could stand the test of time, but realistically SO many things are going to happen in both of your lives as you mature and pursue your own goals. The chances of ending up happily together are pretty slim anyhow. I'm not saying it's impossible, but if you are ALREADY having these issues (and the drug one is going to be very tough to beat without a serious commitment by both of you), then aren't you concerned that you might be spending so much energy on fixing the relationship that you are neglecting other things, like personal growth?

To me that is the most important thing for a young person to understand- and by young, I mean like under 25 when you and your peers are pretty settled on a career path for the most part. You have to make the most effort to take care of YOURSELF at your age. Later in life you will eventually become really self sufficient in other ways, and that includes emotionally, and you will HAVE that extra energy to nurture someone you love, whether it is a boyfriend or husband or a child or another family member who needs support.

I started seeing a therapist regularly during the course of my last relationship, which was with someone who I at first had thought was 'the one'... we lived together for 2 years and during that time I realized that I was cheating myself badly by being with a man who still had a lot of growing up to do, and expected me on some level to either help him do it, or enable his immaturity.

My therapist never said to break up with him, but the more I talked to her and began to understand my own role [enabler] in the dysfunction of our relationship, the more I saw that it was making me into a total stress case and I needed some time away to think.. I got on my motorcycle and took off for 8 days to Ontario... I reminded myself how good it felt to be the master of my own destiny... every hard time we went through after that, I thought of the freedom I was missing, and it didn't take many months after that to say time to cut my losses. I don't see my shrink any more- I feel like she gave me the tools to deal with this sort of thing so much better. I feel like I gained YEARS of wisdom in only a few months.

What you and your man are going through is going to make both of you smarter people and teach you both what you want and need out of a partner. You will of course have to ask if your needs, and what you have to offer, are even compatible.

Be true to YOURSELF. I think you are intelligent and I also think you probably already know the answer, know what you have to do- and it's hard- be strong.

i know it ain't what you wanna hear.. but i think it's pretty much evident of what needs to be done (especially cuz you say more than once if you're going to tell me to break up with him just don't post) but that's pretty much all there IS to do....

i doubt highly he's going to give up what he's doing.... and honestly, i wouldn't ask anyone to quit anything if i was with them.... i don't believe in trying to change people..... i've been on the inside of 'bad people' and i look at the facts... no one changes unless they want to... if friends/family wants someone to stop said thing, all it does is make them get more secretive/defensive over said thing....

a change can only come from within, and that's all there is to it.

the only thing short of ending it, would be to make him understand what this is doing to you, what it means to you, what HE means to you.... that you don't want to partake in this type of life, and if he wants to control you, he's also gotta let you be in control of somethings, such as cooking crack...

even tho it's not exactly hypocritical, i still think it's highly hypocritical he tells you not to have guys over, or not to wear certain clothes, but he's blatantly ignoring what you've asked him not to do (dxm, cooking crack)

i'm sorry to say it and don't hate me, you know i'm not just some idiot telling you shit you don't want to hear, just to aggervate you...

but at this point, it's almost inevitable.... the chances of him chaning are extremely slim.... so basicly your two choices are: 1. end the relationship, 2. deal with what he does and just accept it....

personally i'd go with the first...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by stinkyattic

Aw BFA it's sad to see you bumming like this.
There have been some great points made here.
Things that come to mind for me...

If you are working out some tough emotional things yourself, that are unrelated to the relationship, you are going to have a hard time giving your man any emotional support, and it is going to be painful for both of you.

You both are still so young. I know it may feel like a love that could stand the test of time, but realistically SO many things are going to happen in both of your lives as you mature and pursue your own goals. The chances of ending up happily together are pretty slim anyhow. I'm not saying it's impossible, but if you are ALREADY having these issues (and the drug one is going to be very tough to beat without a serious commitment by both of you), then aren't you concerned that you might be spending so much energy on fixing the relationship that you are neglecting other things, like personal growth?

To me that is the most important thing for a young person to understand- and by young, I mean like under 25 when you and your peers are pretty settled on a career path for the most part. You have to make the most effort to take care of YOURSELF at your age. Later in life you will eventually become really self sufficient in other ways, and that includes emotionally, and you will HAVE that extra energy to nurture someone you love, whether it is a boyfriend or husband or a child or another family member who needs support.

I started seeing a therapist regularly during the course of my last relationship, which was with someone who I at first had thought was 'the one'... we lived together for 2 years and during that time I realized that I was cheating myself badly by being with a man who still had a lot of growing up to do, and expected me on some level to either help him do it, or enable his immaturity.

My therapist never said to break up with him, but the more I talked to her and began to understand my own role [enabler] in the dysfunction of our relationship, the more I saw that it was making me into a total stress case and I needed some time away to think.. I got on my motorcycle and took off for 8 days to Ontario... I reminded myself how good it felt to be the master of my own destiny... every hard time we went through after that, I thought of the freedom I was missing, and it didn't take many months after that to say time to cut my losses. I don't see my shrink any more- I feel like she gave me the tools to deal with this sort of thing so much better. I feel like I gained YEARS of wisdom in only a few months.

What you and your man are going through is going to make both of you smarter people and teach you both what you want and need out of a partner. You will of course have to ask if your needs, and what you have to offer, are even compatible.

Be true to YOURSELF. I think you are intelligent and I also think you probably already know the answer, know what you have to do- and it's hard- be strong.

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I have this same thought process going on right now. Actually, it has been going a little while. It is only a matter of time, waaaay sooner than later.
If you have tried everything and it dosen't make you happy, it is time to move on. I cant wait:)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by slipknotpsycho

i doubt highly he's going to give up what he's doing...... i don't believe in trying to change people..... ... no one changes unless they want to...
a change can only come from within, and that's all there is to it.

.... he's also gotta let you be in control of somethings, such as cooking crack...

.... so basicly your two choices are: 1. end the relationship, 2. deal with what he does and just accept it....

personally i'd go with the first...

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Very well put. Adding to Slipknot's post... I have a friend whose husband ignored her wishes and got involved with the hard drug trade... he went down hard... she went down with him since he was manufacturing at their house... she was pregnant at the time and just couldn't handle going to court to fight for her own freedom... she pled off to avoid jail time... she will be off probation by the time she's in her mid 30's... she's 26... 3 kids and a husband who is still in jail... one of the saddest women I have ever met.

I don't want that to be your future.

I think Mr. D, Slip, Stinky and others have given you good advice, BFA, as much as you don't want to the part of it that says you're going to have to make a change if you want peace and safety.

Folks don't tend to change without heavy-duty work and therapy and, in the case of addiction, recovery programs. Even then, substantive change doesn't happen very often, and addiction recovery is about a 33% shot under the best of circumstances.

Sounds like you have a lot to deal with right now just taking care of yourself. You're young. You have life in front of you. From what you've said in other threads, you've already had a rough row to hoe in your childhood. That makes you particularly vulnerable to picking people who'll help you act out and continue that roughness in your intimate relationships. I feel relatively certain your therapist/counselor has probably told you that. It's what they see in the lives of people who've endured abusive situations previously--they are compelled to continue seeking out situations like that later in life. At least until they realize that's what they're doing and learn to make different choices.

You're sitting right smack on top of one of those choices right now, hard as that is. I've spent 14 years volunteering with women who've been in abusive relationships at a local crisis center. Their stories all have hauntingly similar beginnings to the circumstances you described above: the possessiveness, the control, the drugs, the back-and-forth, ups-and-downs. And not a single one of their situations got better on its own.

You still have your freedom and your youth. You're not saddled with kids yet. You're smart and pretty and talented. And you're working on yourself. Keep that up. I don't want to see you go down the future road Stinky described, either. And you have the power not to. Keep up the good work on yourself. Get an education. And start looking toward the guys who're going to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. They're out there. I've heard women say "The good ones are boring," but that statement inevitably comes out of the mouths of women who're still locked in the cycle of needing to repeat the cycle of insanity they've already seen.

BFA, imagine this:

A loving boyfriend with no mental illness, no hard drug use or sale, and a level head, who is going somewhere in life.

Wouldn't that be nice?

I think you know damn well what you should do. This relationship that your having is toxic. Being involved with drugs like crack and shit only leads to bad shit. Maybe you should take a break or break up. Frankly I believe that you deserve better.

well 5 months is by no means a long time for a relationship but if you were even the least bit smart you would get out asap

Boy, thats a lot to chew on.
I hope everything is going well tonight for you BFA.

I know you said to forget about splitting, but you got to think about all the reasons you are with him and see how it weighs out (sorry for the drug ref.), and remember the past doesn't count if the present is shit. I didn't see how old you were but I am sure you have plenty of time to find the perfect match. He might be "The One", but at the moment it seems like he is forcing himself to be "The One". . .

Just take a "break" and spend alot of time with friends. . .