Did you ever notice........

...that in movies about monkeys, the monkey almost never dies?

...how your battle rap skills almost never come in useful when apologizing to your girlfriend?

...how some everyday phrases sound dirty but aren't, such as "honey, you're about to taste Abe Lincoln!"

...how your telephone is always stickiest on Thursday?

...that it's the Mexican pimps who punch the hardest?

...how vampires explode more if you kill them during the Summer?

...that popcorn always tastes better after you've just beaten a man to death?

...how when you are introduced to a new person you immediately stare at his crotch to try to figure out if he is circumcized?

...that gangster rappers are quick to show up to potluck dinners, but almost never bring anything?

...the way boiling holy water in a microwave will cause Satan to appear?

...how men are, in some ways, different than women?



...that flying saucers always smell like urine inside?

...how bending a fork with your mind is actually much harder than simply bending it with your hands?

...that old Three Stooges skits are filled with historical inaccuracies?

...that crank pipes actually work much better than the new battery-operated ones?

...how gymnastics fans are all just waiting for someone to fall and die?

...that there is nothing warmer than a suit made of tacos?

...how the elves in your basement run from sunlight, but not fire?

...that the type of waiters who keep the flatware stuffed down their pants are the same ones who tend to lean down and lick your food just as you're about to eat it?

...that there's always that one cannibal who goes right for the crotch?



...that the insane almost never wear ties?

...how surprised a clown gets when he realizes the pie thrown in his face was filled with feces?

...how your battle rap skills almost never come in useful in job interviews?

or

... that it's always during job interviews that the tiara falls off your head, even if you're wearing a chinstrap?

...that if food could feel emotion, sausages would always be insane with rage?

...ass?

...that Tom Hanks almost never plays African-American characters?

...that newspaper obituaries almost never contain the phrase "Dirty Sanchez?"

...that Ted Nugent will never order fries with his meal, but always insists you share yours?

...that some people spend lots of money on Halloween costumes, when the best costumes always involve simple nudity, Christmas lights and a stuffed Alf?



...that newspaper obituaries rarely contain the phrase "cream of the crap?"

...how hard it is to find a working ink pen on the set of a porno movie?

...how the professional wrestling matches where you had an uncontrollable erection are always the ones people remember?

...that you get treated differently at the bank if you come in shirtless, and pull your money from a clip hidden in your afro?

...how teachers treat your kid differently just because you named her "Vlad the Impaler?"

...how your car seems to drive better after you've washed and waxed it, and put the fourth wheel back on?

...that some everyday phrases sound dirty but aren't, such as "we're about to launch the Pork Missile, Captain Balls."

...that airline food isn't as good as regular food?

...that newspaper obituaries rarely contain the word "turdfurter."

...that zombies actually run much faster than is portrayed in the movies?

...how, while in prison, you try so hard to keep people from stealing your curling iron, but then you don't really want it back when it turns up again?

...that we always use the phrase "hungry enough to eat a horse," but you always lose your appetite half way through the head?

...that no form of entertainment can match the circus in terms of sheer stench?

...how nothing good ever seems to come from Haiti?

...how in kickboxing tournaments there's always that one guy who glues shards of glass to his fists?

...that all the best novels always end with the main character being melted in a vat of lye?

...that one of the hardest things to do in life is to paint a mustache on a bear, but that it almost never seems worth it afterwards?

...how your battle rap skills almost never come in useful when trying to tell your parents you're gay?

...how everybody is afraid of bees, but you can't find anybody who has ever actually been stung by one?

...how nobody trusts you around their fudge, just because you have a tattoo that says "Fudge Bandit."

...that George W. Bush sometimes mispronounces words?



...that some everyday phrases sound dirty but aren't, such as "the men are ready to parade their flesh lances, Rear Admiral Chubby Browne Rigidpecker."

...that newspaper obituaries almost never contain the word "fucktard."

...while riding your jetpack that you can never resist the temptation to eat live birds right out of the air?

...that you can tell how classy a town is by whether or not their policemen wear shirts?

...that the most eye-catching piece of furniture in your house is always your glass display cabinet full of preserved stool samples?

...that love songs always contain the word "the"?

...how Motrin doesn't cure a headache quite as quickly as Opium?

...that your collection of condoms isn't as large as your collection of used condoms?

...that piñatas are much more challenging when filled with heroin needles and nitroglycerine?

...that some everyday phrases sound dirty but aren't, such as "it's time for your tour of the penis factory, Grandma."

...how your battle rap skills almost never come in useful when trying to convince a crowd of Island natives that you're their god?










Damn, these made me laugh SO hard. And Im not even high.

some a bit strange, others confusing, but overall... funny as hell!

oh man.. hahahaha.. its 10am, my mate just came round before work for a few joints and coffee, and that was the funniest thing ive ever read.. hahaha.. maybe its coz im stoned? who knows

In "Indiana Jones And Raiders Of The Lost Ark", the monkey died after eating a poisonous olive :(

And they never did find Noah's boat, did they?
:confused:

hardy fuckin ha thats hilarious
battle rap lmfao the key to world peace.