72 VIRGINS (by Steve Martin)
The NEW YORKER
Shouts and Murmers
SEVENTY-TWO VIRGINS
by STEVE MARTIN
Issue of 2007-01-29
Posted 2007-01-22
Virgin No. 1: Yuck.
Virgin No. 2: Ick.
Virgin No. 3: Ew.
Virgin No. 4: Ow.
Virgin No. 5: Do you like cats? I have fourteen!
Virgin No. 6: Iā??m Becky. Iā??ll be legal in two years.
Virgin No. 7: Here, Iā??ll just pull down your zipper. Oh, sorry!
Virgin No. 8: Can we cuddle first?
Virgin No. 9: It was a garlic-and-onion pizza. Why?
Virgin No. 10: . . . so I see Heath, and he goes, ā??Like, what are you doing here?,ā? and I go, ā??Iā??m hanginā?? out,ā? so he goes, ā??Like, what?ā? . . .
Virgin No. 11: First youā??re going to have to show me an up-to-date health certificate.
Virgin No. 12: Hurry! My parents are due home!
Virgin No. 13: Do you want the regular or the special?
Virgin No. 14: Iā??m eighty-four. So what?
Virgin No. 15: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Virgin No. 16: Even I know thatā??s tiny.
Virgin No. 17: ā??Do itā?? Meaning what?
Virgin No. 18: Iā??m saving myself for Jesus.
Virgin No. 19: Somewhere on my body I have hidden a buffalo nickel.
Virgin No. 20: Donā??t touch my hair!
Virgin No. 21: I hope youā??re not going to sleep with me and then go sleep with seventy-one others.
Virgin No. 22: Do you mind if we listen to Mannheim Steamroller?
Virgin No. 23: Are you O.K. with the dog on the bed?
Virgin No. 24: Would you mind saying, ā??Could I see you in my office, Miss Witherspoon?ā??
Virgin No. 25: Ride me! Ride me, Lucky Buck!
Virgin No. 26: You like your vanilla hot?
Virgin No. 27: Does Ookums like Snookums?
Virgin No. 28: Itā??s so romantic here, dead.
Virgin No. 29: Well, Iā??m a virgin, but my hand isnā??t.
Virgin No. 30: You are in?
Virgin No. 31: Hi, cowboy. I just rode down from Brokeback Mountain.
Virgin No. 32: Iā??m a virgin because Iā??m so ugly.
Virgin No. 33: You like-ee?
Virgin No. 34: Iā??ll betcha you canā??t get an erection. Go on, impress me. Cā??mon, show me. Show me, big shot.
Virgin No. 35: By the way, here in Heaven ā??virginā? has a slightly different meaning. It means ā??chatty.ā?
Virgin No. 36: Sure, I like you, but as a friend.
Virgin No. 37: No kissing. I save that for my boyfriend.
Virgin No. 38: Iā??m Zania, from the planet Xeron. My vagina is on my foot.
Virgin No. 39: Itā??s a lesion, and, no, I donā??t know what kind.
Virgin No. 40: Iā??m Jewish. Why do you ask?
Virgin No. 41: Hi, Iā??m Becky. Oh, whoopsā??you again.
Virgin No. 42: I just love camping! Camping is so great! Can we go camping sometime?
Virgin No. 43: In the spirit of full disclosure, Iā??m a single mom.
Virgin No. 44: You like my breasts? They were my graduation gift.
Virgin No. 45: When youā??re done, you should really check out how cool this ceiling is.
Virgin No. 46: Iā??m almost there. Just another couple of hours.
Virgin No. 47: Get your own beer, you nitwit.
Virgin No. 48: No, youā??ve got it wrong. Weā??re in the Paradise Casino.
Virgin No. 49: I really enjoyed that. Thank you very much. Gee, itā??s late.
Virgin No. 50: You make me feel like a real woman. And after this is over Iā??m going to find one.
Virgin No. 51: What do you mean, ā??move a littleā??
Virgin No. 52: Not now, Iā??m on my BlackBerry.
Virgin No. 53: I love it when you put on your pants and leave.
Virgin No. 54: Weā??ve been together twenty-four hours now, and, you know, sometimes itā??s O.K. to say something mildly humorous.
Virgin No. 55: That was terrible. I should have listened to the other virgins.
Virgin No. 56: I think I found it. Is that it? Oh. Is this it? Oh, this must be it. No?
Virgin No. 57: It must be hot in here, because I know itā??s not me.
Virgin No. 58: Those are my testicles.
Virgin No. 59: Did you know that ā??virginā? is an anagram of Irving?
Virgin No. 60: First ā??Spamalot,ā? then sex.
Virgin No. 61: Great! I was hoping for circumcised.
Virgin No. 62: Was that it?
Virgin No. 63: Dang. George Clooney was being reckless on a motorcycle, but instead I got you.
Virgin No. 64: Tonight, I become a woman. But until then you can call me Bob.
Virgin No. 65: Theyā??re called ā??adult diapers.ā? Why?
Virgin No. 66: We could do it here for free, or on a stage in DĆ¼sseldorf for money.
Virgin No. 67: Iā??m just Virgin No. 67 to you, right?
Virgin No. 68: Pee-yoo. Are you wearing Aramis?
Virgin No. 69: Condom, please.
Virgin No. 70: My name is Mother Teresa.
Virgin No. 71: Iā??m not very good at this, but letā??s start with the Reverse Lotus Blossom.
Virgin No. 72: It was paradise, until you showed up.
The New Yorker : shouts : content
72 VIRGINS (by Steve Martin)
