My Journal

I have this need to make connections with other people. Considering my profession, I assumed it was just a desire for attention. Lately, I think it's because I love most people and new people are as exciting as any new thing one encounters. This has serious implications for my personal life--not to mention my professional one.

Every January, I initialize a new cycle that I am doomed to repeat for years to come. After a holiday season of excess (you name the vise), I crawl into my head and seek deeper meanings. This year, I purchased a book to aid me in my psychobabble. It is called Life After Death by Deepak Chopra. It's a beautiful read about eternity filtered through Hindu lore. Chopra's perspective umbrellas all religions so it wasn't as uncomfortably life-changing as I thought it would be. Still, every morning as I read it my coffee, it grabs a hold of me and moves me in all different directions throughout the day.

This is good and bad. I feel torn constantly. This sounds a bit dramatic. It's not like I'm contemplating life and death issues.

This concludes the first installment of my journal that I have decided to post on a public forum. It feels just as private as if I were to keep a leather bound book under my bed. This doesn't cost 39.95 at Barnes and Noble. Of course, if I actually meet anyone from the forum it's a different story. That person would know me for exactly who I am. I don't think anyone does. I should change that.

Yesterday I received a post card rejection. My friend had gotten one the day before, so I knew it was waiting. I have been auditioning/interviewing for jobs and this form of rejection is one of a few different types of rejections that I have experienced lately. But this...this is funny and fitting. A post card is great when you want to communicate in a very low maintenance way. You find a pretty postcard...scribble a line or two because there isn't any room for anything else, slap a stamp on it and stick it in the nearest mailbox. This particular company was like...oh by the way, better luck next time. To tell you the truth, opening envelopes holding information that you know can't be good isn't any better. There is the very brief moment when I think that the contents won't be depressing or send me into a day of escapism. But the postcard, no room for hope. Just as your brain is processing where this is coming from, you turn over the card and read the words that sentence me to a day of self-loathing.

I can't help but imagine the person whose job it is to send these things out. I imagine myself in that position. I don't know that I would use the post card method to preserve the delicate egos of a bunch of performers. No. I would use this method because it's low maintenance...like so many other things in my life. There are quite a few high maintenance things that I do, but they come in sporadic, brief pockets of intensity throughout my week. If anything, my activities are very manic. I like it this way. I immediately threw that post card into the junk mail trash can by my mailbox. Now as I write this however, I wish I saved it.

I spent two hours in Sharper Image. Usually I pick up a few things and walk out. I inspected almost everything in the store for two hours. I always feel weird about playing with the stuff while the sales people are staring at you. This guy was just following us around cause I guess me and my buddies looked shady or something. We looked shady because we just got through working on a car.

It's 1:45 am and I don't want to go to sleep. When I go to sleep sober, I have the most vivid dreams. I didn't smoke late last night and I dreamed something horrible. That's not why I don't want to go to sleep right now though. What was weird about the dream were the horrible circumstances on a pleasant backdrop. I remember a lot of beautiful things in the dream, but it felt like a nightmare.

I was watching this special on the different ways the world can end. My girlfriend was not amused. It was fascinating and scary. This special finally convinced me that global warming is a real issue. I just grew up with people cramming all that stuff down my throat. Naturally, I resisted.

All these scientists/experts were talking about the last days of earth...like what people would do. One guy felt that most people would act in love and wouldn't break a bunch of laws or take advantage of the situation. I hope that's true.

It's going to be butt cold tomorrow morning. I can't wait. I love cold weather. It's so rare here. I spent three weeks in NY this past december and it didn't even get very cold. I think I'll wake up, smoke a joint on my balcony, make some coffee...maybe read while sportscenter is on in the background. oh yeah.

you know i have these weird re-occuring dreams, one day i went to barns and Nobles and found a book on what your dreams could mean......well i saw one of my dreams was listed in the book and it said something i was bothered by something (dont want to get into it)...well i confronted the problem head on and the weird dreams just stopped...it was one of those dreams where you loose teeth for no reason....anyway just thought i would share that. Take care:thumbsup:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by keeko

...well i confronted the problem head on and the weird dreams just stopped...it was one of those dreams where you loose teeth for no reason....

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I've heard about the tooth dreams. I do think the crazy vivid dreams stem from some anxiety. I'll check out that book. Been meaning to read it.

I love natural disasters. Hear me out. My buddy once told me that he liked natural disasters because he liked to be reminded that we are not invincible. He liked the feeling of something bigger than us. I hate the thought of all the people who are effected by some tsunami, hurricane or earthquake. I don't like the death and grief that it causes. I like seeing everyone band together for relief. That's what I love about natural disasters. People who wouldn't normally talk to each other are smiling at each other. Every other problem is thrown into a new perspective. We are all just trying to survive side by side and there's a lot of love. The same goes for any national disaster. I think about 9/11. I went to ground zero this past december. It amazed me that people still make great efforts to visit the site. Everyone was standing around looking at all the photos and reading about it. The atmosphere was so different from the rest of the city. Sure...it was sovereign and people were being respectful, but I also could feel this overwhelming sense of compassion from every stranger there. Noone was in a hurry to get anywhere. I commented to my girlfriend that it seemed like nobody smiles in the subways. Everyone always looked so depressed. At ground zero, people were crying but people were also smiling as they thought about there loved ones whether they were effected by 9/11 or not. I would never wish a tragedy on anyone, but the response to a tragedy can be beautiful.

It's been awhile since I've posted. I think I worked through my annual January self-loathing funk.

I've been without internet for a week and I realized how dependant I am on it. Hated it...don't want to go through that again.

Since you are already fimiliar with Deepak Chopra, I highly recommend "The Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire". Really good shit!

"This groundbreaking book contains a dramatic premise: Not only are everyday coincidences meaningful, they actually provide us with glimpses of the field of infinite possibilities that lies at the heart of all things. From this realm of pure potential we are connected to everything that exists and everything that is yet to come. "Coincidences" can then be recognized as containing precious clues about particular facets of our lives that require our attention. As you become more aware of coincidences and their meanings, you begin to connect more and more with the underlying field of infinite possibilities. This is when the magic begins. This is when you achieve the Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire.