DARK TUESDAY

I woke up this morning, and decided that I was dark.

When I'm dark, I tend to be in a constant battle with both sides of my personality; one side being light, the other being dark.
The light side of me, is cheeky, childish, and full of fun.
The dark side, is flippant, critcal, and often caustic.

The result of this battle (though, not necessarily the outcome), is that I become introspective and deep, but with a dry and sarcastic wit. And although my thoughts often dwell upon matters of deep depressive content, the light side of me tends to prevent the darkness from completely consuming me. It does this, by allowing me to look upon myself with a certain amount of derisive mockery.
As far back as I can remember, solitary contemplation has been something that I do rather alot of. These bouts of meditation have not always been devoted to downers; on one occasion, I set about trying to design a perpetual motion generator - I think that I nearly succeeded too, if it hadn't been for the fact that 'vacuum bearings' haven't been invented yet :rolleyes: . But, I digress :cool:

Recently, though, my moments of quiet reflection lean towards those issues in my life that cause me concern; the way of the world, the imminent ecological disaster, and not least, my own sorry life. Yet, even though my journey of mental analysis can take me to depths of despair that would render most people close to suicide, I am able to survive due to the power of my light side.

At times, such as these, I like to sit on the floor.
Sitting on the floor, somehow makes me feel closer to my spiritual essence. I wonder why this is; is it because I am closer to the Earths core (spirit)? Is it because my chakras are closer to each other, because of my haunched position? I don't know. Maybe I will meditate on this.
The room in which I sit, cross-legged on the floor, is lit only by the light of two candles; always two - never more, or less...balance in all things. The air is filled with soft chilled-out music ('Chilled Out Euphoria CD2' mixed by Solar Stone, currently :D ) with just enough volume to feel the very lowest tones.

Every now and then, I'll begin to make a joint.
The paper is set before me, and I begin to pull strands of tobacco to lay, almost reverently, upon the outspread Rizla. The is no haste, as my mind often drifts back to previous thoughts, ideas, and memories. Some of those memories may cause me to halt the construction, and I will often dwell on them; some raising a smile, others causing a frown, most invoking a tear. Images form, as crystaline as if I were watching them on a big screen - one of the disadvantages of having a photographic memory...recall can be a bitch!
I return to the task at hand, and pick up the small nub of hash-hish, regarding it for a moment. That insignificant looking piece of compressed matter that is my salvation from total mental collapse. I smile, remembering some of the experiences that this narcotic concoction has given me; mad laughter, awesome appreciation, and a view to the world that has ultimately changed my life. How many times has this drug helped me through times of despair? How often has it transformed a good time, into an awesome time? How much broader has my perspective and understanding become?

The white flash of the flint striking the metal wheel of my clipper, the familiar aroma of cannabis resin, the slight intake of breath, as the heat burns into my thumb and forefinger, and the studied and carefully executed distribution of the dope throghout the prepared chassis. Absently, I begin to roll the tobacco and dope mix into the trade-mark conical shape, an action that has been performed so many times, as it is now an almost automatic process.
And then it is done.

I light it.
Draw deeply without inhaling - the first drag is for the spirits - then blow a satisfyingly large plume of narcotic smoke into the ether.
I regard my joint with a certain air of pride "That's art, that is," I mutter to myself, and take another deep draw - this one's for me., and I let the drug infuse my body, and allow myself to fall gently into the soft folds of stoned oblivion.

The swirling music carries my soul on a journey of lights and colours, soothing my tired resolve, shielding me from the wicked talons of reality. I drift upon a sea of calm, and giggle at the sight of the demons that scratch at the barrier I erect around me - "Yes, I know you're there...but for now, you can't get me.....this is my world, and very few are welcome."

And so begins another exploration into my psyche - a dark and twisting spiral of madness; I am like a child, brightly dressed and playfully dancing through a landscape of barren, grey desolation, laughing at the monsters who try to grab me. I taunt them with my wry humour, "I know you'll get me one day, but how long are you prepared to chase mwhahahaha!!"

I'll pay for that.

Stick it on the bill, along with all those other debts :D

Damn.
I'm writing this down!
Rambling on like man possessed :eek:

Haaa....Maybe I bored them ;)
Thanks for listening :)
Res...

Hey, Res, go back to bed and start all over again. :)

Now that's two posts that are inspirational reads(sorta) that I've read this morning.I think for me,I get so overwhelmed with what it's like being in an age like this were technology has got a half life which leaves spirituality behind in alot of ways.It's great just to wake up a smell the coffee literaly and figuratively. Think I'll put some tune's on and light incense.

LOL, I was lying on my sofa, listening to an awesome mix of dark tunes (RADIO SILENCE mixed by INBETWEEN INTERVAL), when I suddenly thought of you, MJM.
I thought, MJM has read my post and has replied :D
Isn't that wierd?

Anyways, go back to bed? lol
Tried that, it don't work :)

Someone once commented that they thought that I just convince myself that I'm depressed, when I have no reason to be.
Maybe they're right, but I do find a sense of familiarity with my darkness - afterall, a pessimist is never disappointed, is he?

Ha, it seems so long ago that I last felt 'hope'.
I used to be a sheep, and thought that my life was about how much money I could accrue, and how many possessions I had amassed. 'Hope' was about material wealth, but that isn't the way to happiness. I used to think that there was someone special. Someone that I could communicate with on every level, who would electrify every nerve in my body to a state of euphoria. Someone of which I could find nothing unacceptable about them.

So much for hope.
So much for dreams.

They say that it is 'better to have loved and lost, than not to have loved at all' - a rather ridiculous statement in my opinion.
Some people search their whole lives for such a thing, and often they are left wanting. So, to have finally found such rare treasure, and be forced to let it go, ever out of reach, is somehow better than to die wondering? I'm not so sure.

Briefly, the dream became reality - albeit a rather translucent one, and now I'm haunted by the memories of what could have been.

I accept the situation...I have no choice...but it doesn't make the pain any easier to bear.
And irony is a cruel joke.

Going to bed just brings the dreams back :)
Waking up just kicks me in the teeth :(

Que sara sara, as they say, I'm just a passenger on the train of life, chuggin along to the sound of the 'clickity-clack', waiting for the last stop.

^^(I quite liked that bit)^^

It's all cool, MJM :) :cool:
There's always 'hope'....bwhahahahaha
x
Res...

I say do whatever makes you feel complete, my man. If you enjoy the darker side of things from time to time, by all means, embrace it.

Man, I enjoyed reading that. You've got excellent literacy skills and very deep thought. If I were you i'd put your skills into writing writing a book of some sort.

damn that was crazy dude...really weird im gonna post a poem thing i wrote yesterday at the end of school when i had to wait for ppl, i was just sittin there listennig to tool and i just wrote this crazy poem i like it, looks for the thread soon or later

I blieve it is the right season for that neon sighn just above the corner bar. Great time of year for goth-inustrial life-style.Preach on bro.

so Res, you are you making the claim the you truly know what good and bad are...? I don't think thats possible in our universe of infinite possibilities.

When I was younger I used to sit around and dwell on what could have been but never will be and I used to think I too was depressed. However, I became enlightened as to what feelings really are. All these things you think you feel in your mind are only extremely complex chemical reactions brought on by the nourishment you provide or fail to provide yourself. All you have to do is realize that when it gets down to the bottom line, YOU are causing all these conflicting thoughts and feelings within yourself. You are in total control of your inner self Res. There are no two parts of your person (unless your a schitzo LoL). Realizing that is the only way to achieve zen and the drive to carry on your existence in a positive manner for those that rely on and trust you.

Peace (i'm sorry to say i didnt enjoy reading about you feeling sorry for yourself Res, well written though it was)

hmm..yesh..i think waking up is a bit overrated...esp when theres no wake n bake possiblities.
perhaps there is a deeper issue that is troubling you, reinstate. i'd suggest trying to meditate, focusing on the problem for just about 10 - 15 minutes without distraction. see if you can simply resolve it in your mind. thats where the pain comes from. you may be able to peice together a solution, too.
i also think a mental "restart" suggested by mjm is good advice. thnx peas out :)