You Have Two More Cows...
Bureaucracy â?? Indian:
You have two cows. But since these cows are holy cows, you cannot tell them what to do, or milk them, or do anything useful with them. The cows however, have no such barriers. The emerging liberal democracy requires one to fill out 37 triplicate forms before killing anything, and cows cannot write. Thus the cows do not slaughter you, you do not slaughter the cows, and the pacifist monks are satisfied.
Capitalism â?? Italy:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch. When you come back from lunch, the TV and the Press (which you own) are announcing that the two cows have reproduced to become 2,000 cows during lunch. You and your brand-new colleague, Rino "Chi-Chi the cat-buggerer" Torricelli (a respected Sicilian businessman with an international pharmeceutical empire) now qualify for a huge EEC grant. You still don't know where the cows are.
Capitalism â?? New Economy:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull, which you use to breed to the other cow. Then you create a website and start offering to export sperm from the bull to anyone and everyone, especially emerging markets, over the Internet. After a few weeks, your company completes its IPO on NASDAQ, and a few brokerage firms start coverage with a strong buy rating for this wonderful new Internet stock. Your stock zooms from the 10c per share initial offering price to $110, when you sell. The stock plummets back to 10c a few months later when the investors who bought it realise that your business has no earnings and never will, despite the Internet presence. Several law firms and the SEC bring various civil and criminal actions against the company, all of the officers and directors and (of course) you, under various fraud theories. You quickly settle the civil cases so the lawyers get paid, but you still have plenty stashed away. You plead nolo in the SEC case, and you are sentenced to ten years in prison, of which you actually serve seven weeks. When you come out, you buy two chickens
Cartesian dualism:
You have two cows. Therefore you are.
Communism â?? CubanYou used to have two cows, but they sailed to Miami.
Corporation â?? Indian:
You have two cows. You worship them.
Corporation â?? Mexican:
You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap
Dyslexia:
You have two woks
FDAism:
You have two cows. You force one to drink 400 gallons of water a day. It stops producing milk and dies. You ban water. The second cow has cancer. There is a cancer treatment that has existed for 15 years and has been proven to work, but can no longer be produced because the synthesis requires water. It can't get the treatment it needs and dies. You put the company under investigation.
Frisbeetarianism:
You have two cows. One of them flies up on the roof and gets stuck. You smoke a joint and hope the government provides cow ladders
Fundamentalism :
You have two cows. The government kills you for owning cows, confiscates your cows, and then kills everyone who suggests that the government should be killed for owning cows.
Hempelism:
You have two cows. This increases the probability that a given animal you don't have isn't a cow
Instant Messaging:
You have two cows. They don't say "moo," they say "lol," "g2g," "brb," and "roflmbo." Whenever you try to milk them, they either warn you, block you, or log out.
Kafkaism:
You have two cows. One of them turns into a giant bug which eventually dies as a symbol of personal alienation from society. The other one arrests you for an unspecified reason and in the end shoots you without an explanation, instantly nullifying the purpose of your very existance.
Libertarianism #1:
Go away. What I do with my cows is none of your business.
Libertarianism #2 - Favorable View:
You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."
Libertarianism #3:
You have two cows. You let them do what they want.
Libertarianism #4:
You have two cows. To hell with everybody else!
Matrixism:
There is no cow
Monty Hallism:
You have two cows. There's a 2/3 chance of one of them being behind a door you haven't picked
Nihilism:
There are no cows. There never were. You have a cigarette and a cup of black coffee to ponder the cow-shaped hole in the universe
Nursery Rhyme:
You have two cows. They jumped over the moon
Optimism:
You will have three cows
Postmodernism:
You have two cows. The subject is interpolated into a prematerial discourse that includes consciousness as a whole. The characteristic theme of Tilton's critique of constructivism is the dialectic, and thus the paradigm, of neodialectic cows.
Republicanism:
You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. So what?
Schrödingerism
You have two cows. They are simultaneously alive and dead.
Situationism:
You do not have two cows, but indirectly pseudo-experience them through the spectacle. Your cows are expelled from the Situationist International by Guy Debord.
SASism:
You have two cows. They have no names. You have no name. I have no name. Nobody has any names. Got it?
Simpsonism:
You have two cows. Mmmm... Cows.
Taoism:
The cow that can be milked is not the true cow
You have two cows:
You have two cows. Your neighbors have sheep. When your neighbors ask you about your cows you explain, "You have two sheep...."
Zen:
A monk had two cows.
One day he went to Joshu"Do cows have the Buddha-Nature?" he asked.
Joshu replied, "Moo."
Zionism:
You have two cows.
You created a pasture for your cows by using the ones from your sheep. They argued among themselves over the pasture and later fought each other for the pasture. Since then, you never have a good night sleep because of the bombings
You Have Two More Cows...
