New Joke Thread

A man walks into a night club one night.
He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One cent?!" exclaims the man.

So the man glances over at the menu and asks,
"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the man.
"4 cents," the bartender replies.
"Four cents?" exclaims the man.

"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replies, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "The same thing I'm doing to his business." :D

Ha that was jokes!

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered.
"Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly.
"The Smiths bought one for their bedroom.
I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to
sleep.
Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen
and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the statue.
"Eat something.
I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days
and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water." ;)

The Queen was visiting one of London's top teaching hospitals; she specified that she wanted to see absolutely everything.

During her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient
was wanking.
"Oh my God !,", said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the
meaning of this?"
The Doctor leading the tour explained, "I am sorry Your Majesty, but
this man has a very serious medical condition and is only following his
consultant's orders.
His body produces too much semen and his testicles keep overfilling.
Until we can find out exactly what is causing this problem he's been instructed to do that at least 5 times a day or there is a danger that his testicles will explode, and he would die a painful death."

"I'm so sorry", said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a
patient a blow-job .
"Oh no ! ", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, but he's with BUPA." :D

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

However, The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner against the bus stop, then drive off with the old friend for some beers. :D

What's the worst part about eating a vegetable?


Putting her back in her wheelchair when you're done... :eek:





This one may get me shot or something, but please, take it with a grain of salt, IT IS JUST A JOKE.

What do 800,000 abused women have in common?

They just don't fucking listen!

How are females like hurricanes?
They come in screaming, and take your house when they leave.:D

Heard of the new sandwich at Mickey D's?
It's the McJackson. 46 year old meat in between 11 year old buns.

BUHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Ahhhhhhhh, the good ole days, of sitting down, eating cheetos, watching porn, wondering why my penis is orange.

lmao Lola!! :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by heartsurgerysurviver

Ahhhhhhhh, the good ole days, of sitting down, eating cheetos, watching porn, wondering why my penis is orange.

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lol lol

haahahahahah u mean lulu not lola wtf one track minds around here..


anywho lulu hehe love them babe i needed a good laugh :D:D:D:D:D