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sorry if there is this thread and sorry if this insults anyone:
A guy walks down the street, and he sees Adolf Hitler.
Guy:so Hitler what did you do today?
Hitler: I killed 50,000 jews and a clown...
Guy: Why did you kill the clown?
Hitler: See no one cares about the Jews.
lmao.. umm well lets see...Quote:
Originally Posted by homemade
this little 'slow' kid who had a speech impediment, reading problems, dislexia among others, never had friends wanted a companion, so his mom went out and got him one. she came back with a cockerspaniel later that day.
"son, do you know what type of dog this is?"
"i'll call him floppy ears!"
"no son, it's a cockerspaniel"
"a cockandspankit?"
"no no no... cock-er-span-iel
"cockandspankit?"
"i give up...timmy, you need to go to the store and get a dish for him to drink/eat from and get a bucket to give him a bath with"
so he gets to the store and goes to the pet supplies
"excuse me sir, where are your fishes?"
"pardon me?"
"you know fishes... the things you use to put your pets food and water in.."
"oh you mean a dish... follow me..."
so he gets his dish and heads over to the house cleaning department..
"where are your fuckits?"
"excuse me son...."
"your fuckits, they're used to keep mop water in, or to wash your car..."
"i think i have an idea what you're spoutin' at... come this way"
so he gets his dish and his bucket and heads home, when he's still a few blocks away, he sees his dog running. frantic, he targets an old woman walking down the street
"excuse me ma'am can you hold my fish and fuckit while i get my cockandspankit?"
A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight." The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one." The bartender pours the drink, but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"
So, the man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, "Wow, this has never happened before." You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and asks if I'd like to come back to her hotel to have dinner and talk for a while. I couldn't believe this was happening, and I hadn't had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. This seemed just too good to be true."
He continued, "She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. She said to relax, watch some TV, and that she would be ready to go down to the restaurant in a few minutes. But, as soon as I put my feet up and reclined my chair, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door."
"The blonde says, 'Oh my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight, he's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'"
"So, I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me."
The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point."
"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, 'Who you been with now, you witch?' The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now calm down.'"
Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?' I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.'
But, the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I hear water running for a long time; I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"
The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have gotten me mad for sure." "No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto this glass."
The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset."
"No, that wasn't what really got me so angry though."
The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally make you anger?"
"Well, I was hanging on the window, and I turned around and looked down--I was only about six inches off the ground."
It was New Year's Eve. By then, actually, it was very early on New Year's morning. The drunk staggered out of the men's room and wobbled his way to the bar.
"I, uh, lll..., I'll ha-have anudder. Maske itta dubble." The bartender looks him over and notices the vomit staining the front of the drunk's sharp looking suit. "Buddy, it looks to me like you've had quite enough. Why don't you call it a night and go home."
The drunk protests... "N-n-no! I ca-can't. My, my wife, you, you see... She gammie this new shoot for Chrishmash. Iff she seez what Ife done to it... She, she's gunna kill m-me. Juss gimmie a doubble..."
"Tell you what," the bartender says. "You got any 20 dollar bills on you?"
The drunk pulls out his wallet and thumbs through and replies... "Y-yeah, I got a few...."
The bartender takes one of the twenties and stuffs it in the shirt pocket of the poor drunk. "There you go buddy. When your wife asks you what happened, you just tell her that you were innocently passing by the bar on your way home when some boozer staggers out, holds onto you, and barfs all over you. He then apologizes and shoves a twenty in your pocket so you can get the suit dry cleaned!"
"B-br-brilliant!", the drunk exclaims excitedly. "Thish jush might w-work!"
The drunk goes home and sure enough, his wife is waiting up for him, rolling pin in hand. "Look at you! You're a disgrace! Look at what you've done to your new suit!"
"N-no hunnybunsh," the drunk stammers... "Y-you see, I was juss passing by the b-ba-bar when this drunken sod stumbles out, b-ba-bar-barfs all over me, and then he shoved a twenty dollar bill in my pocket, he sez, so I, I can get my suit drykleened..."
The wife looks in the drunk's pocket and pulls out the money.
"Wait a minute..." the wife says, "there are TWO twenty dollar bills in your pocket."
The drunk reels, regroups, and explains... "Wha-wha... Well thass because after he puked on me, he, he took a crap in my pants!"
What's grosser than gross?
When you dream about eating pudding, and you wake up with a spoon in your ass.
A homeless person walks into a bar. He asks the barman for a cocktail stick. The barman, being a nice guy, gives the man a cocktail stick. The guy thanks him and leaves.
A couple of minutes later, another homeless guy comes in and asks for a cocktail stick. The barman, getting rather confused gives him one and watches him leave.
Another homeless guy comes in and asks for the same thing.
A fourth homeless guy comes in and asks for a straw. The barman asks "Don't you want a cocktail stick like all the others?"
The homeless guy says "No thanks. Someone was sick outside and all the lumpy bits have gone!"
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
- A Quarter-pounder with cheese.
There was a girl who needed to borrow her dad's car. So she went to her dad and she asked, "Dad, I need to borrow your car."
So her dad thinks about it and he says, "Well you have to suck my dick first."
So the girl agrees and starts to suck his dick. "Dad", she says, "your dick tastes like shit!"
"Yea" he said, "Your brother needed to borrow the car too."
This girl ask her dad if she could go to the prom.
He said only if you blow me....
So she went to her friends house and told her friend that she can't go unless she blows her dad.
Her friend said just do it no one will know.
So she went home and told her dad she would do it.
He whiped out his cock and she started sucking on it.
After while she said DAD THIS TASTE LIKE SHIT!!!
He said I know your brother wanted to use the car!
That is the best!!!!!Quote:
Originally Posted by homemade
There was this retarded married couple.
He was pretty bad,So he stayed home and she went to work.
One day she came home from work.
And He said (In a retarded Voice)
Hello Honey! I cleaned the house and I made supper.
Theres a roast in the oven.
She looked around and said: Very good honey where are the vegetables?
He Said: They didn't get home from school yet!
whatâ??s the difference between a drunk and a stoner? a drunk will drive right past the stop sign while a stoner will wait for it to turn green.
A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?"
The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads." So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit toking and will come back the next week to buy the TV. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?"
And the owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!" So the stoner leaves again.
He comes back a week later and says, "How much for that TV?"
The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!!!"
The stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?"
The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave."
lmmfao!!
"knock knock"
-whos there?
-jesus
-jesus who?
-WTF you mean Jesus who! i died for your fucking sins and all you can say is "jesus who", well you can fuck right off then ass!
-sorry man, wanna smoke some bowls...
-?!?!?! hello...its me jesus...of coarse i wanna smoke some bowls!
i just posted this above >.<Quote:
Originally Posted by BloodyRedBarron
Oh well didnt see it..Quote:
Originally Posted by slipknotpsycho
This little girl walked in on her mom taking a shower and said MOM when am I going to get hair like that?
She said that will come with age.
Little while later she walked in on her dad taking a shower and said DAD when am I going to get on of them.
He said in about half an hour when your mom leaves!