The Poo List
Ghost poo
The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo on the toilet paper, but there's no poo in the bowl.
Clean poo
The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo in the bowl, but there's no poo on the toilet paper.
Wet poo
You wipe your bottom fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your bottom and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
Second wave poo
This poo happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realise you have to poo some more.
Brain haemorrage through your nose poo
Pop a vein in your forehead poo.
You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
Corn poo
No explanation necessary.
Lincoln log poo
The kind of poo that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
Notorious drinker poo
The kind of poo you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
Wish poo
The kind where you want to poo, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
Wet cheeks poo
That's the kind that comes out of your bottom so fast that your cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
Liquid poo
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your bottom, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
Crowd pleaser
This poo is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.
Ritual poo
This poo occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
Aftershock poo
This poo has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.
Groaner
A poo so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
Floater
Characterised by its floatability, this poo has been known to resurface after many flushings.
Ranger
A poo which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
Bombshell poo
A poo that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to poo or you are nowhere near pooing facilities.
Snake charmer poo
A long skinny poo which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.
Olympic poo
This poo occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's poo.
Back to nature poo
This poo may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
Premeditated poo
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
Spinal block poo
The kind of poo that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.
I think I'm giving birth through my bottom poo
Similar to the Lincoln log and the Spinal block poos. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
Porridge poo
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices:
1. flush and keep going
2. risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless
I'm going to chew my food better poo
When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
What the hell died in here? poo
Toxic dump
Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.
