Marijuana + Me = Bad.

When I first started smoking I was one paranoid mother fucker. I always thought I was going to die. My heart racing, thoughts going through my mind at a million miles per hours.

"My heart is going to explode. I'm going to die."

That's all.

I just don't get it. I smoked non-stop for a week a while ago and had no ill affects. I wasn't scared. I felt great. I was thirsty, though.

Now I just can't have an experience like that again. I've had a few different bags from different dealers in different areas that looked different, so I'm sure they aren't all the same strain. Nothing does it (that good feeling).

I took ONE weak hit yesterday and nearly flipped out. To me, my chest was stopping, though it clearly wasn't. I was checking my pulse every other second. Then, oh no, it's going to explode. Racing. Racing. Racing.

"Fuck, I'm going to die. What the fuck is going on?"

I just can't fucking have fun with this stuff anymore. I try so hard, but it always fails. I freak out. It's absolutely rediculous.

I'm diagnosed bi-polar -- atleast I was five or six years ago. I'm 19 years old now. I took a ton of medication for quite some time and then stopped a few years ago. I was fine for quite some time, atleast two years.

Then I put on quite a bit of weight, about 60 lb. Over the course of a year I lost it all plus some -- then things started acting up. I always thought I was going to die. I checked my pulse every few minutes to check if my heart was still beating, sort of like ritual, such as with OCD. If I didn't do it, I'd die. Every little pain or tension was a huge problem and set me off.

"I'm going to die."

I went to a doctor after suffering from this for about four months and they said it was anxiety -- I didn't buy it. They prescribed Xanax. I get the bottle full of pills and never took any. I was afraid I'd just somehow die from taking them, that maybe they weren't really Xanax, or maybe I'd have some freak allergic reaction and just die. I have this huge fear with dieing. I wouldn't even take Advil for a headache, antibiotics when I had a cold, nothing. I was just so fucking scared.

Yes, I obviously have something wrong with me, but I can't seem to get it under control.

The paranoia has settled down a bit. I check my pulse once in a while when I get nervous. I'm no longer really afraid to take medication when I'm sick, though sometimes I do hesitate.

I'm not religious, but I have this fear of death. It's not that I'm afraid of "meeting my maker" or any of that, becuase frankly I just don't believe any of it. I just fear my life ceasing to exist.

I still can't get high without flipping out with fear and panic. It usually fades after 15 to 30 minutes, the body high kicks in, and I relax. I can't move. Atleast I couldn't the last time I smoked, which was with my girlfriend.

When I do smoke, I only take a few hits becuase I think if I take anymore my paranoia will get stronger, but I think back to that week I was able to have a blast for a week and I smoked quite a bit then. Now I take a little pinch (literally), take two or three hits and I can't do anymore.

I've read a few people say before that these sort of things happen to them when they only smoke a little bit, but if they do more, they're fine. Has anyone else ever experienced that?

With all that off-topic babbling, should I just stop trying? I don't know what to do.

shit man, see a therapist

Haha, I used to see those doctors for years and they never really helped.

i've had anxiety and depression and shit and i used to totally flip out and do the whole heart racing checking pulse thing, there were a couple times i thought i was gonna have a heart attack and stuff, but i just changed my like mental state towards it and now im fine, rather than trying to fight the bad effects (racing heart, etc.) i just accept it as part of the high and see it as something positive or just something not worth paying attention too and i enjoy it a lot more. hope this helps! keep on tokin:rasta:

i also suffer from OCD...it does suck pretty fukin bad

lmaooooooooooooooooooooooo

heres a little food for thought man

what if you were to die? what if you ceased to exist instantly... would you know about it? probably not.

i don't know if i'm strange or something because i wouldn't mind dying all that much.

your problem is that you're thinking about it too much. you need to relax, and every time you get the urge to check your pulse, remember that your body gave you that urge so you know you are alive just from that.

also, weed has a tendency to heighten any psychological disorders a user may already have (i've experienced it with my OCD, sucks a lot) so if you can't seem to control this, consider other things you may be taking, your general mood and outlook on life, and most importantly, what made you that way.

you must know your history to know yourself.

i have had a few psychological problems that i have cured using weed. i sit in my room smoking and i use my memory to take my problems to their root, way back when i think i first got them. i consider to myself how i got them, and why they have lingered in me so long.

this is the way i believe weed should be used, in my opinion it is not a drug to just get fucked up on.

what people do not seem to realize is that your mind IS YOUR BODY, it has complete control over it. your mind is a lot more powerful than the body, and you need to learn to control it. it takes some time, but if you think about it too much you're really screwing yourself. it's very simple, you tell yourself you aren't going to check your pulse anymore or worry about death and live life as it comes to you, and then you go out and you do just that. think about that a bit :D

sounds like your scared of dying... weed aint bad for ya, you'd die sooner smoking cigarettes, i'd say either quit completely if its THAT bad, or just start smoking regularly and your body and mind will get used to it :rasta:

pixel, thanks for the advice.

About dieing and not knowing you're dead -- I understand that, and I think about that, and possibly, I think that's what I might be fearing.

lol, I made that "pounding heart?" thread, the whole heart situation sucks sometimes but I can avoid it now. First off, if you think about your heart DO NOT try and check it, even if you think it stoped (because every time I can assure you it didn't stop) You wont die from a heart beating like all hell either, and most the time when it happens it doesn't last too long. Just try and focuse on something else and moderate your breathing. Thats what freaks me out sometimes, Ill have a fast heart rate and I wonder if I should breath faster too, then I have a panic attack and think im gonna die for sure. lol, its ridiculous thinking about it now but it happens. All I can say is don't focuse on it and you should be fine.