Harvasthetic, here it is.....

my screenplay. the format is fucked here cuz this isnt final draft. what i've got so far...

SCREEN BLACK
LUCKY (V.O.)
Sometimes I wonder how I get myself into these fucked up situations.
FADE IN:
INT. MOTEL ROOM - AFTERNOON
Lucky stands back to the wall, m-16 pressed up against his chest. His wifebeater splattered with blood. Grimes peeks out the window. Both men are in their 30â??s. Lucky is a brunette, handsome; and Grimes, dirty blonde, appealing in a rugged sort of way.
GRIMES
Here they come, man.
LUCKY (V.O.)
If I told you what was out that window you probably wouldnâ??t believe me. So let me start from the beginning.
EXT. FIRST NATIONAL BANK - MORNING
A normal day on a semi-busy street; a blue, slightly beat up chevy nova pulls up. Three men sit in the car.
INT. CHEVY NOVA (PARKED) - MORNING
Grimes is behind the wheel and to his right is Terry, a bald, average built irishman in his early 30â??s; and Lucky in the backseat. Grimes looks in the rear view mirror.
GRIMES
How many guards?
LUCKY
Four.
GRIMES
Okay, letâ??s do this.
The three men exit the car.
EXT. CHEVY NOVA (PARKED) - MORNING
A police car passes by. Terry yawns and stretches.
LUCKY
Hey Terry, no incidents like last time, okay?
TERRY
Last time wasnâ??t my fault mate.
LUCKY
(smiling)
Bullshit.
FLASHBACK
INT. FIRST UNION BANK - MORNING
CUSTOMERS lay face first on the floor. Whispering cries are heard throughout the bank. Grimes stands next to the door, shotgun in hand.
GRIMES
TWO MINUTES.
Lucky quickly throws money into a large black duffel bag. Terry scans the bank for any heroic activity. He comes across an attractive WOMAN and notices her bulging cleavage pressed up against the floor, he stares.
GRIMES
ONE MINUTE.
A GUARD takes advantage of this opportunity by reaching for his backup gun in his ankle holster.
GRIMES
TIME.
Grimes heads out the door. Lucky tosses the duffel bag over the counter and hops over. He looks over at Terry who is still transfixed on the womanâ??s breasts.
LUCKY
(whispering to himself)
This fuckinâ?? guy.
(beat)
TERRY.
Terry snaps out of his daze and heads for the door. In a split second the guard hops up, snub nose .38 in his hand.
GUARD
(trembling)
FR-FREEZE. DONâ??T MOVE.
The command stops Terry dead in his tracks. The guard is extremely nervous and on the verge of pissing himself. Terry turns around slowly.
LUCKY (O.S.)
DROP THE PIECE MOTHAFUCKA!!
The sound of Luckyâ??s voice makes the nervous guard FIRE off a round, striking Terry in the arm. Lucky DROPS the guard with some nice rifle work. CRIES, WHIMPERS and SCREAMS ring out.
GRIMES
TERRY, YOU OKAY?
Terry checks his wound.
TERRY
AYE, JUST A FLESH WOUND.
Terry runs over to the door where Lucky is standing. Both men exit the bank.
TERRY
(as exiting)
Did you catch the tits on that one?
MATCH CUT TO:
EXT. CHEVY NOVA(TRUNK) - MORNING
The three men stand at the trunk trying not to look suspicious. Lucky is wearing a two-piece suit, while the others are casually dressed. Grimes was so casually dressed, he had criminal written all over him. Lucky pops the trunk.
LUCKY
(to Terry)
Play you for the rifle.
TERRY
Okay.
The two grown men play rock, paper, scissor. Terry throws down rock, Lucky throws down paper as Grimes looks on.
TERRY
Lucky bastard.
GRIMES
Idiots.
Grimes GRABS a shotgun as does Terry. The men scan the area and finally enter the bank.
INT. FIRST NATIONAL BANK - MORNING
Grimes enters first, SMASHING the nearby GUARD in the face with the butt of the shotgun. BLOOD spurts uncontrollably from the guardâ??s face.
FREEZE SHOT OF GRIMES
LUCKY (V.O.)
This charming gentleman is Grimes.
MUGSHOT OF GRIMES

Wanted: Intimidating A Witness, Attempted Murder, Perjury, Bribing A Witness, Conspiracy To Murder, Killing Persons Aiding Federal Investigations, Jury Tampering, Tampering With A Witness, Tampering With A Informant, Tampering With A Victim, Obstruction Of Justice, Obstruction Of Criminal Investigation, Searches Without Warrant, Search Warrant Procured Maliciously, Destruction Or Removal Of Property To Prevent Seizure, Influencing And Injuring Jury Generally, Promoting Prostitution, 1st Degree Murder, 2nd Degree Murder, Escape, Extortion

Vincent Grimes

ALIAS: Grimes, Philly T., Jay L. Byrd

DATE OF BIRTH: December 25, 1971 HAIR: Dirty Blonde

PLACE OF BIRTH: Chicago, Illinois EYES: Brown

HEIGHT: 6â?? COMPLEXION: Light
WEIGHT: 200 lbs. SEX: Male BUILD: Medium

OCCUPATIONS: Police Officer (Discharged)

NATIONALITY: American

SCARS AND MARKS: Bullet wound on left shoulder. Stab wound on left rib. Tattoo on right forearm - ALL SEEING EYE.
LUCKY (V.O.)
Grimes was a cop from Chicago.
MONTAGE
LUCKY (V.O.)
To call him a dirty cop would be a compliment. No no no no no this guy was fuckinâ?? filthy. Grimes did it all; he planted evidence, shook down dealers and pimps, received sexual favors from hookers, ran errands for the mob...you get the idea. After awhile internal affairs caught wind of what was goinâ?? on and set him up. Grimes was arrested and charged with multiple felonies. The only reason his ass isnâ??t rotting in a prison cell right now is because of me and Terry.
1) Grimes PLANTS drugs in suspectâ??s house.
2) Grimes SHAKES down drug dealers and pimps.
3) A hooker gives Grimes a BLOWJOB in his car.
4) Mob guy pays Grimes to do a hit.
5) Grimes does the HIT.
6) Internal affairs sets Grimes up and ARREST him.
7) Grimes in court receives his sentence. Hearing the length of his sentence, Grimes flips out and LUNGES at the prosecutor, pummeling him.
8) Two agents place Grimes in the car to be transported to prison. The car drives off.
9) Lucky and Terry posing as F.B.I. agents, stop the car at a stoplight. Terry WASTES the agents and frees Grimes.
UNFREEZE SHOT OF GRIMES
GRIMES
(to bank teller)
WHEREâ??S THE MANAGER?
The BANK TELLER points over to a WOMAN in a white blouse.
GRIMES
Terry, grab that bitch and take her to the vault.
Terry walks over and SLAPS her to let her know that they mean business. CUSTOMERS watch in horror as Terry GRABS her by the hair and DRAGS her towards the vault.
FREEZE SHOT OF TERRY
LUCKY (V.O.)
My irish-sounding friend here is Terry Flannery.
MUGSHOT OF TERRY

Wanted: Arson, Vehicular Assault, Unlawful Possession Of A Firearm, Machine Gun Or Short Barreled Shotgun/Rifle Possession Prohibited, Threats To Bomb, Disarming A Law Enforcement Officer, Aggravated Murder, Possession Of A Stolen Firearm, Possession Of Incendiary Device, Reckless Burning, Malicious Placement Of Explosives, Theft Of A Firearm, Retaliating Against An Informant, Conspiracy To Murder

Terry Flannery
ALIAS: Sean Oâ?? Hara, Terry N. Tagart, Ira

DATE OF BIRTH: February 20, 1976 HAIR: Brown

PLACE OF BIRTH: Dublin, Ireland EYES: Brown

HEIGHT: 6â??1 COMPLEXION: Light

WEIGHT: 195 lbs. SEX: Male BUILD: Medium

OCCUPATIONS: Bartender

NATIONALITY: Irish

SCARS AND MARKS: Burns on right hand.

REMARKS: Flannery is a heavy drinker.
MONTAGE
LUCKY (V.O.)
Terry was a soldier in the I.R.A. In Ireland. He fled the country due to his involvement in a string of bombings. Heâ??s a heavy drinker and a bit of a loose cannon; in other words, a typical irishman. As a matter of fact, thatâ??s where I first met him, in a bar.
1) Terry PLACES backpack full of explosives in front of bus stop in London.
2) An EXPLOSION erupts, smoke fills the area. The streets run wild with PANIC.
3) Terry packs his gear, feeling that the authorities are on to him. He catches a boat to America.
4) Terry sits in a bar, eight EMPTY shot glasses in front of him.
5) An attractive FEMALE orders a drink at the bar. Terry gets fresh with her.
TERRY
Aye love, nice rack.
6) Her BOYFRIEND and his FRIEND confront Terry. Terry isnâ??t impressed.
BOYFRIEND
Hey fuckhead, you disrespected my lady?
(beat)
Hey asshole, Iâ??m talkinâ?? to you.
TERRY
(very casual)
Fuck off.
7) A right hand KNOCKS Terry off his stool. The two men KICK the shit out of Terry. This sort of thing isnâ??t new for Terry.
8) Terry turns the table on the men, returning the favor of an ASS-KICKING. He DROPS both men with a few punches. Lucky watches from the end of the bar.
9) BLOOD trickling down his face, Terry, lights up a cigarette as Lucky approaches him.
TERRY
(to bartender)
Gimme anotha one.
LUCKY
Buy ya one?
UNFREEZE SHOT OF TERRY
LUCKY (V.O.)
As for me, they call me Lucky.
FREEZE SHOT OF LUCKY
MUGSHOT OF LUCKY

Wanted: Armed Robbery, Grand Theft Auto, Burglary, Identity Theft, Kidnapping, Residential Burglary, Possession Of Stolen Property, Cigarette Transportation Unlawfully, Escape, Forgery, Attempting To Elude A Pursuing Police Vehicle, Obtaining Accommodations By Fraud, Impersonating An Officer, Assault With A Deadly Weapon, Attempted Murder

Lucian Kurten

ALIAS: Lucky, Casey Enos, Pockets

DATE OF BIRTH: May 22, 1972 HAIR: Brown

PLACE OF BIRTH: Las Vegas, Nevada EYES: Brown

HEIGHT: 5â??11 COMPLEXION: Light

WEIGHT: 180 lbs. SEX: Male BUILD: Medium

OCCUPATIONS: Locksmith, Mechanic

NATIONALITY: American

SCARS AND MARKS: None

REMARKS: Loves to gamble.
MONTAGE
LUCKY (V.O.)
Iâ??m a man of many trades and constantly learninâ?? more
(beat)
So I could apply them to a criminal nature. I stole cars, robbed jewel stores; peopleâ??s houses, jacked cigarette trucks; yeaâ?? people still do that. Anything to make some quick cash. Didnâ??t matter though because I had a little gambling problem. I ran up markers all over town. So I had to get the fuck outta dodge. Quick.
(beat)
Maybe I wasnâ??t so lucky after all.
1) Lucky talks to a customer. Mechanics work in the background.
2) Lucky JACKS a bitchinâ?? ride parked right on the crowded streets of the Vegas strip. No one knows what just went down.
3) The loud sound of the DRILL drowns out the mindless babble of the ANNOYING customer. Sweaty, Lucky wipes his forehead with his sleeve and opens the safe. The customer smiles.
4) Lucky DRILLS again but this the time the store is CLOSED. The safe door swings open, the jewels inside GLISTEN. A smile breaks out across Luckyâ??s face.
5) A cocktail waitress brings a drink over to a LIVELY craps table. Lucky stands at the top of table, DICE in hand; ready to ROLL. He pushes a LARGE amount of chips on â??7â?� and rolls the dice. JEERS ring out as the dice reveal a â??6â?�. His smile quickly FADES.
6) An UNSAVORY CHARACTER sits at a desk. He adjusts his very expensive suit and THROWS a paper bag on the desk. Lucky PICKS it up and shakes â??CRAZY IVANâ??Sâ?� hand.
7) Back at ANOTHER craps table, Lucky does it again and BETS his whole load. How does it feel being FUCKED two times?, Just ask Lucky. He is REMOVED by SECURITY.
8) A blue 74â?? CHEVY NOVA speeds across the highway, passing a sign reading, â??YOU ARE NOW LEAVING LAS VEGASâ?�. Lucky flips off the sign.
UNFREEZE SHOT OF LUCKY
Lucky points his GUN at a cashier and MOTIONS for her to fill the bag. She fearfully does.
GRIMES
TERRY, HOW WE DOINâ?? OVER THERE?
The MANAGER SPRAWLED out on all fours, SHOVES cash in the black duffel bag. Terry STARES at her ass.
TERRY
(grinning)
ALMOST DONE, MATE.
The cashier throws the remaining cash into the bag.
LUCKY
(to Grimes)
Alright, thatâ??s it.
GRIMES
TERRY, TIME.
Terry zips the bag up and throws the strap over his shoulder.
TERRY
(to bank manager)
Tisâ?? been great, love.
Grimes COVERS the front door with Lucky a few feet from him. Terry comes running, throws his bag down and unzips it. He places his SHOTGUN inside, zips it back up and exits the bank.
EXT. FIRST NATIONAL BANK - MOMENTS LATER
People pass Terry by as he casually walks out of the bank. He crosses the street towards the car. When he reaches the middle something CATCHES his eye, a POLICE car parked with two COPS inside munching on some breakfast. Terry is in their view.
INT. FIRST NATIONAL BANK - MORNING
LUCKY
(peeking through front door)
Oh fuck!!
GRIMES
What?!
LUCKY
Take a gander.
Grimes peeks.
GRIMES
Shit!! This shit is gonna get ugly.
INTERCUT BETWEEN GRIMES, LUCKY AND TERRY
The POLICEMEN notice Terry standing in the street. Knowing that theyâ??re WATCHING him, he digs into his pocket; pulls out a cigarette and lights it.
GRIMES
Thatâ??s right, play it cool baby.
LUCKY
(sort of mocking)
Heâ??s standinâ?? in the middle of the street with a huge fuckinâ?? duffel bag in front of a bank.
(beat)
Heâ??s fucked.
The POLICEMEN and Terry meet eyes. He takes a drag and continues towards the CAR.
GRIMES
(anxious)
Come on come on.
Calm as a shaolin monk, Terry pops the trunk and TOSSES the bag in. The POLICEMAN in the passenger seat puts his coffee down and picks up the radio.
LUCKY
Shit, theyâ??re on the horn.
Both police car doors OPEN simultaneously, both men step out. Terry, hearing the doors open, does not move a muscle and continues to face the trunk.
POLICE OFFICER #1
Excuse me sir.
Terry WHIPS around, silver .45 PISTOL in his hand, FIRES shot after shot.
Grimes and Lucky storm out of the bank, GUNS BLAZING.
OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE
â??Green riverâ?� by Creedance Clearwater Revival plays.
CREDIT SEQUENCE ENDS
CUT TO:
LUCKYâ??S DREAM SEQUENCE
INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
Lucky lays on the bed, sleeping. The room is very dimly lit except for the illumination of the television playing in the background. Lucky sits up, sweaty from the nightmare he just had. He rubs his head, silver .45 PISTOL sits beside him. The volume on the television is down, so the room is silent. Lucky stands and stretches, something ROLLS into his FOOT, he LOOKS down. It appears to be some metal canister. A strong FLASH of light BLINDS him. Luckyâ??s vision is DISTORTED; sort of like an acid trip. The door comes CRASHING in as he STUMBLES around trying to grab his .45. He finally grabs it but stops when he FEELS a MACHINE GUN pressed against his temple. What appear to be S.W.A.T. members surround Lucky.
CUT TO:
INT. CHEVY NOVA (MOVING) - AFTERNOON
MEDIUM SHOT - LUCKY
Lucky awakes from his dream just in time to catch Grimesâ?? and Terrysâ?? BIZARRE conversation.
TERRY
(sipping on a beer)
So youâ??re tellinâ?? me that you think Jesus was a
(beat)
Pedar-ass?
GRIMES
Oh is there any doubt about it? Jesus loves the little children? What the fuck is that?! I think that right there is self-explanatory.
TERRY
I dunno mate.
GRIMES
Oh come on. With all the rape, sodomy and homosexuality in the bible, it doesnâ??t sound plausible to you? And donâ??t forget bout the priests rapinâ?? the altar boys. That shitâ??s been goinâ?? on since like 552 B.C. Those were very gay times, my friend. Just look at what fags Alexander and Julius Caesar were.
LUCKY
Youâ??re one sick fuck, yaâ?? know that?
GRIMES
So Iâ?�m told.

no feedback?

that's a lot to read........and what is it?

the beginning of my screenplay. it looks like a lot but its really not.

First off.. Nice draft. If it's well adjusted that's already about ten minutes of film there, which is nice.
The style reminds me a lot of Snatch, Lock Stock and Sin City. Which is my style. You have a very descriptive way of writing and that almost compells you to use recognisable characters.
Terry is a good one,

Quote:

---

LUCKY (V.O.)
Terry was a soldier in the I.R.A. In Ireland. He fled the country due to his involvement in a string of bombings. Heâ??s a heavy drinker and a bit of a loose cannon; in other words, a typical irishman. As a matter of fact, thatâ??s where I first met him, in a bar.
1) Terry PLACES backpack full of explosives in front of bus stop in London.
2) An EXPLOSION erupts, smoke fills the area. The streets run wild with PANIC.
3) Terry packs his gear, feeling that the authorities are on to him. He catches a boat to America.
4) Terry sits in a bar, eight EMPTY shot glasses in front of him.
5) An attractive FEMALE orders a drink at the bar. Terry gets fresh with her.
TERRY
Aye love, nice rack.
6) Her BOYFRIEND and his FRIEND confront Terry. Terry isnâ??t impressed.
BOYFRIEND
Hey fuckhead, you disrespected my lady?
(beat)
Hey asshole, Iâ??m talkinâ?? to you.
TERRY
(very casual)
Fuck off.

---

That's a clean cut description, but maybe, in order to fool the public later on, you could include some weird gimmick. You could keep the sexist bastard that's always talking tits, but make it an impotent bastard or such.

Grimes is the fella with the most personal influence ain't he? Don't you personify with him the most? If so, put your heart and soul into him. If you ever think 'this is too much', don't jump to conclusions. You can make people do fucked up things in movies. Try to be pissed off when you're writing violent scenes, it heightens your verbal action, i vouch for that. Eloquent foulmouthing can make or break certain genres. lol
Grab the publics attention by being crude in your own way, those are the flics that stand out.

==> Respect for including the CCR

Quote:

---

2) Lucky JACKS a bitchinâ?? ride parked right on the crowded streets of the Vegas strip. No one knows what just went down.
3) The loud sound of the DRILL drowns out the mindless babble of the ANNOYING customer. Sweaty, Lucky wipes his forehead with his sleeve and opens the safe. The customer smiles.
4) Lucky DRILLS again but this the time the store is CLOSED. The safe door swings open, the jewels inside GLISTEN. A smile breaks out across Luckyâ??s face.
5) A cocktail waitress brings a drink over to a LIVELY craps table. Lucky stands at the top of table, DICE in hand; ready to ROLL. He pushes a LARGE amount of chips on â??7â?� and rolls the dice. JEERS ring out as the dice reveal a â??6â?�. His smile quickly FADES.
6) An UNSAVORY CHARACTER sits at a desk. He adjusts his very expensive suit and THROWS a paper bag on the desk. Lucky PICKS it up and shakes â??CRAZY IVANâ??Sâ?� hand.
7) Back at ANOTHER craps table, Lucky does it again and BETS his whole load. How does it feel being FUCKED two times?, Just ask Lucky. He is REMOVED by SECURITY.
8) A blue 74â?? CHEVY NOVA speeds across the highway, passing a sign reading, â??YOU ARE NOW LEAVING LAS VEGASâ?�. Lucky flips off the sign.

---

Now this is the sh*t. Very strong impressions if i may sound like an artbitch.

Quote:

---

SCARS AND MARKS: Bullet wound on left shoulder. Stab wound on left rib. Tattoo on right forearm - ALL SEEING EYE.

---

Why not emphasize this then ;)

Quote:

---

GRIMES
Oh is there any doubt about it? Jesus loves the little children? What the fuck is that?! I think that right there is self-explanatory.

---

Cracked me up big time :D

It has potential for sure. I'd love to be updated in time. Starting a film with a bankrobbery is hard so i'm hopin' for a big twist. Keep up the maternally copulating work. :thumbsup:

(next time, spell my name right or don't start your car the day after)

ha sorry bout the mispelling of your name. i appreciate your feedback. i'll keep you updated.