Twas for wiseguys

Twas for Wiseguys
(AKA New Yawk version of Twas the Night Before Christmas)

Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin',
Cuz I wuz packin' heat unda da pilla.

Da family was all nestled snug in da beds,
While visions of meatballs danced in d'er heads.
And mamma in her silk nighties,
And I in my "wife beater T" and old Yankees cap,
Had just settled down fer a long winta's nap,

When out in da street,
I heard such a friggin' sound,
I rolled outa da bed and chambered da first round,
"Mother Mary above what the hell was dat sound?"

Away to da window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the coytains and trew up da sash!

When what to my
Wanderin' eyes shoulds I spies,
But a big black Lincoln, and eight hefty guys,
With a big old man, so huge and imposin'
I tought dat Don Christopher had been iced and was frozen!

Faster dan eagles his boyz dey came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called dem by name;
"Yo - Big Tony! Yo - Little Louie! Yo - Meat Hook Frankie,
Yo - Two Timin' Tommy, Yo - Vito the Knife, Yo - Guido da Grip,
Yo - Knuckles, Yo - Paulie!!!!!"

As dry leaves dat before the wild hurricane fly (what kinda fancy crap is dat?),
So up on my friggin' house top dey flew,
Wit' a bag full of bodies, and Don Christopher too.
And den in a twinkling, I hoyd on da roof the stomping and scraping of d'er
big black boots.
As I drew in my heat, and was toyning 'round,
Down da chimny Don Christopher came wit a bound.

He was dressed all in Armani, from his head ta his foot,
And his clothes was all tarnished wit' ashes and soot,
A bundle of bodies he'd flung on his back,
And he looked like a ---- well, like a friggin' wiseguy just openin' his pack.
His eyes twinkled!
His dimples how scary!
His cheeks was like roses, his big nose like a cherry!
His big fat mout' was drawn up like a bow,
So he says to me "Hey jerky, I got some bodies fer you to stow"!

The butt of a 9mil he held tight in his teeth,
And da traces of black powda circled his hand like a wreath,
He had a broad face and a big round belly,
Dat shook, when he laughed like a bowlfull of jelly

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself,
Upside da head he smacked me wit his belt,
"What the hell, you think I'm friggin' elf?"

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nuttin ta dread:
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work;
Stuffing bodies in da plastic bags, he turned and whispered in-ta my ear,
"Quietly make deese disappear"

And laying his finger aside of his nose,
Twisted his pinkie ring, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang ta da car, to his boyz gave a whistle,
And away dey all drove like da down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, as he drove outa sight,

"Don Christopher ain't goin' down witout a fight"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(author unknown - found on the Internet)