My substitution story/advice

I recently accepted a big job offer, and a few days AFTER signing the papers, I found out that there would be a UA drug screen. By this time, I had already quit my current job, so passing the test was my only option. I had one week, so I immediately stopped smoking and started testing several "detox" products at home. To make a long story short, they were all worthless and my first test came back negative, but dilute. I ended up using GoClean by Detoxify for the test because it tested well at home, but all it was doing was diluting me.

I didn't have much time before the re-test, and couldn't afford to trust the detox crap, so I went with substitution. I read N2's substitution thread, which gave me many great tips. The night before, I got some clean piss from a friend, and threw it in the fridge overnight in a sealed container. She was a girl on birth control, but that doesn't matter for a simple drug screen. I went to Walgreen's and picked up an empty 3oz screw-top travel shampoo container ($2), a 2-pack of air-activated toe-warmers ($3), and a digital human thermometer ($9 - went with the nice one to be safe). After practicing my routine many times with water, I decided it was fool-proof. All I had to do the last time was empty my pockets and not flush, so I knew I could pull it off.

The day of the re-test, I wore two pairs of boxer briefs to insulate and secure the cargo. I also wore a suit and tie this time to gain the trust of the stupid lab techs - more on this later. I filled the 3oz shampoo bottle and let the cargo sit at room temp for a bit, while I boiled some water. I filled an insulated coffee cup with the hot water, and dipped the shampoo bottle in it to warm it up to body temp, checking it with the thermometer every few sec. I had a 30-min drive, so I warmed it to 100F and used the adhesive side of the toe warmers to wrap them around the bottle. When I left for the lab, I brought the boiling water, thermometer, and a blue ice pack from the freezer, for dialing in the temperature once I arrived. By the time I got there, the toe warmers had raised the temp to over 102, so I removed them and used the ice pack to cool the bottle down to 99. Then I closed the bottle tight, and tucked it in my crotch like N2 described.

I had to sit in the waiting room for 30 min, but I had tested for this at home, and could keep it above 98 indefinitely with body heat alone. When the tech called me back, I didn't have to empty my pockets or even remove my suit jacket - ha! The phone rang just as I closed the bathroom door, which gave me plenty of privacy while the lady answered it. I just took the bottle out, emptied it in the cup, crotched it again, and took a leak in the toilet. It was not a difficult thing to pull off, and was even fun. I was still a little nervous for a couple days, but I never heard a word about the test results, so all is good! Thanks to N2 for the confidence - I'm not sure I would have tried without his advice.