Disabled and Needing Medicine in North Carolina (Lake Norman)

Hey guys, I'm a 29 year old guy from NC. I have some pretty bad PTSD from some childhood trauma which has led to 10+ years of terrible flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety, social phobia's, depression, and suicidal thoughts. I've tried over 20 medications and have went to counseling for years. Nothing has worked except for MJ.

I've been without MJ for about 2 years now because I was laid off from work and had to move in with my parents. So now I have no local connections. I'm suffering so bad and I can't stand it. Everyday it's like 10 conversations of negative thoughts go through my head all day long and my mind goes into panic mode and I freak out. Everything builds up pretty bad. I just got out of the hospital after I stabbed myself one day. It turns out the Paxil I had been taking gave me "suicidal behavior" which happens to be a well known side effect which I was never warned about.

So now I'm on nothing but a small dose of klonopin which worked OK for a month or two but now I have to take it everyday just so I don't have w/d, but it benefits me zero.

Anyone have any advice? My dream is to have my own 50-100 plant indoor grow site, but I would want to do that legally. If I could find it, I would get some here, but I don't know how to find it. Plus with my social phobia I have been locked in this house for 2 years anyway.

I'm desperate. Maybe a dispensary would understand and hire me in a medical legal state? What else can I do? I'm on disability and can get any medication I want but the one that works. It sucks. It kills my self respect to have to take free money and health care because of these issues, I'm not physically handicapped or born with a disease, I just have post traumatic stress that builds up hell inside of my mind, but when I smoke I face everything and deal with it, then I'm able to laugh, smile, and be myself.

I want to get back and be able to do art again, exercise again, and build relationships again. I'm stuck in so many ways and this is a cry out to the internet world for help. If anyone has any advice, idea's, plans, or by some miracle a job opportunity that was minimum wage just to pay for food/clothing/shelter, so I could move to a state that legalizes possession and to grow a few plants. And a dispensary would be nice since it would take a few months before the plants would be right and I might mess up a few of them since it's been 10 years since I quit growing.

Thanks guys, keep fighting, truth must overpower ignorance. We can't let people suffer, especially the people who have it worse than me. That's what kills me, is that I know there are people that suffer more than I do, and I can't imagine how they make it.

Feel free to pm me.

-Will