I smoked so much that my penis is the size of a pen cap.

"Son, if you smoke enough sherm, your nigga-ass will do lots of things" - Samuel L. Jackson from Navy Seals 2.

anyways this is something i wrote for those of you who think im a dumbfuck. and for those of you who appreciate my humor.

*ahem*

It was May second...two thousand five. I was in my room, smoking a cigarette, second pack of the day. I got up and paced aroud the room. where had my stash gone? where had i put it? there was no way i could have lost it. it had to be stolen. stolen! but by who?? i skimmed through a few suspects in mind before stopping at a dame...a blonde whore who i had met at a bar the other night. I was about to grab my raincoat when my stomach reminded me that i hadnt taken a shit since the morning before. I went over to the bathroom and released what was left of my lunch. while i sat there, basking in the warm afterglow of a wonderful shit, i heard a noise at the front door. i hadnt heard anyone knock. it had to be an intruder. I slowly got up and reached for my .38, which i keep close to my heart. I didnt bother putting my pants back on, because ther just wasnt any time for that. I inched out the bathroom door and peeked around the corner. nothing. then i heard the faint sound of someone going through my file cabinet. time for some action. i pulled back the hammer of my trusty .38 and took a deep breath before i jumped out and plugged the son of a bitch with two shots to the heart. shoot first. ask questions later. i waited a few seconds before approaching the body which lay on the floor. something was wrong. very wrong. two holes. a body. but no blood. as i knelt down to check his pulse...*bam* the son of a bitch smacked me in the face with something i can only describe as cold....and hard...very hard. I was knocked on my ass, but i shook it off and got ready to play some defense...something the new york yankees had yet to learn. I wiped the blood off my mouth and put up my fists, ready to teach this son of a bitch a lesson he'll never forget. but before i could re-act, he tackled me onto my desk and preceded to beat me like when a drunk man comes home to his wife in bed...with another man. after about the 10th hit, i mustered up some energy...some backup energy...the kind they use to make Red Bull, and pushed this son of a bitch against the wall. I gave him a few good punches to the gut and watched him crumble onto the floor...like a rag doll. "Who are you? who sent you?" I yelled, but he just spit on my shoes and said "eat shit, you motherfucker" Thats what got to me..thats what made me crack. "motherfucker? MOTHERFUCKER?? NOBODY CALLS ME A MOTHERFUCKER!" I screamed as i grabbed a handful of his hair and smashed him face onto the floor till a good amount of teeth clattered across the room...enough to make a dentist twitch. Blood was rushing down his face, spurting out of his mouth, drooling out of his ears. "I'll ask you one last time...." I began, but he interuptted me. "fuck you *cough * you *cough* mother...*cough* fucker". oh shit. i was mad. like my father when he found out i didnt make the baseball team back in middle school. I slammed his head against the floor and slipped him over. then i positioned my ass above his face like a bomber over some iraqi city, and released the longest shit i have ever seen. it was like a boa constrictor. he gagged. he vomited. he screamed. in disgust. I ripped the coat off his back and wiped my ass till it was as clean as a doorknob...a brass one. then i reached into my drawer and took out the hacksaw. this was going to be messy...very messy.


To be continued....maybe.

ummmmmm, wow.

oops i mispelled some words and made some grammatical mistakes. its from my artheritis.