Rastaman folk tales: Long rant about Uncle Oinky

So, about Uncle Oinky. I wouldn't say he is a totally stoned jerk, no. Generally, he is a normal guy, nice guy, I would even say, cool guy: from one side. But, people, from the other side... Well, don't you understand? From the other side? He is a fucking jerk, from the other side! Imagine - we smoked up just one joint - and he already got munchies! I had two big loaves of bread and he... just imagine! He took a knife, cut off a five-fingers-wide chunk, cut it in four pieces, and gulped them one by one: yoink! yoink! - and they are all gone. Then this crazy munchkin cuts one more chunk, and quarters it again. Can you withstand such a temptation? I took the knife, cut a five-fingers-wide chunk, cut it in four pieces... yoink! yoink! - and cut one more chunk again. So, in a half of hour we did two big loaves of bread, then wandered around like on ludes. Great party, eh?

So, about Uncle Oinky, it was a great story indeed. Oinky came home with an ounce of some weird weed. His wife wasn't home - probably she went to meet some friend or something... The important thing is - she wasn't home. So he came home, closed all windows tightly and greenhoused a whole reefer all by himself. Then, he raided the fridge, took a huge pot of tomato soup, sat on the rug in front of T.V., turned on Santa Barbara, and started to gobble the soup down absentmindedly.

In a short time, Oinky's mother-in-law came to visit from her small town. The apartment were filled with a smoke like a gas chamber. The old lady got such a big second-hand hit she became high almost instantly. She started to toss around the apartment and accidentally stumbled on Oinky. He's lying bloated like he's drowned a week ago and his mouth is covered with bloody foam. The shit-scared inlaw called the ambulance. They answered: okay, lady, we will be here ASAP.

So, a doctor and a nurse came - but there is still a lot of smoke! And, they, like, became totally high right in the lobby! They are loafing around the coat hanger, giggling, whispering, dropping their bags, picking them up then dropping again... The Oinky's inlaw is confused - what's wrong with them? Paramedics are asking her: "Do you have something to snack? We didn't have a lunch yet." She started to yell: "My son-in-law is dying, and you are talking about a snack!" They replied: "Keep it down! Don't be so scared, we will tinker with your inlaw right now. Could you please make us some snack in meantime? Today we even didn't have a breakfast." She realized that everything is okay, and went to the kitchen.

After some time she checks what happens and see. A-ha! The doctor is already screwing the nurse right on the floor besides breathless Oinky. "What a bastards!" - she thinks - "I toiled myself to make them a lunch and they are behaving like dirty freaks. And I just cooked for them." She had a brain-wave that they are not paramedics at all. She went and called the police: "Dear officer, please come ASAP to arrest some would-be paramedics who poisoned my son-in-law, stolen my daughter and are planning to waste me then rob the apartment!" Cops answered: "Okay, we will be here soon." Then she hid in the bathroom, latched the door and just accidentally stared at the mirror.

In the mirror they are translating Gone with the Wind starring Oinky's mother-in-law as Scarlett O'Hara. She watching the movie and realizing that her life was not a total waste but a lifelong heroic feat. She can defeat those bandits all by herself - crush them like cockroaches and wash them down the potty! She grasped a mop, jumped out of the bathroom, yelling: "BANZA-A-A-A-AI!!!"

But cops are already here. They are staying in the lobby trying to remember why they are here. Because they got some second-hand smoke already at the entryway they are staying in the lobby and trying to remember why they are here. Then, some old hag with a mop atilt pops up from the bathroom. They sobered up a bit, quickly rendered her harmless and went to the kitchen.

In the kitchen there are paramedics drinking tea and giving tender looks to each other. They just finished up the roach of Oinky's reefer and enjoying themselves very-very much. Cops automatically asked them to produce their IDs. The doctor answered: "Which IDs? Don't you see we are paramedics?"

Cops are happy: "Oh! Doctors! Do you have any ketamine?" The doctor answers: "What are you, nuts? They have it only in an emergency room. Paramedics are banned from bearing it for many years." Cops ask: "So do you have anything funny at all?" "We have some NyQuil, just NyQuil." Cops are sighing then asking: "Okay, so you don't have anything at all, even ketamine? If you don't have even ketamine probably you have oxycontin? Just a couple of pills - we are already high, we just want to chase it down a bit." Finally, they settled up a deal: the nurse filled a syringe with NyQuill and injected cops with two millilitres each intravenously.

So, well. Finally, everybody is happy. Except Oinky's mother-in-law. She is looking at all these people thru the door. What can a poor old lady do with all this mafia? Nothing. Even her son-in-law is obviously is their accomplice. She needs to write an appeal to the Prosecutor General, hire a lawyer and start a trial. All these worries exhausted her so much that she collapsed on the couch and gradually started to speak with the Prosecutor General.

Finally, all this stoned company leaves the kitchen to watch T.V. In the living room, they see Oinky's mother-in-law sitting on the couch and deadly seriously talking with the Prosecutor General. Cops ask paramedics - who is this old bitch and why she is here? They answer that they have no idea but it seems like she was here from the very beginning. Cops tell: "Just listen to what she says! She is totally cuckoo bananas!" Doctors answered that they are not shrinks, but it is a definitive case. She is totally nuts. Cops said: "What she is doing here if she is so crazy? It is just not right - such mentally challenged people must be in an institution. Let's call the asylum to take her in. This situation is totally wrong." So, the senior cop sends the junior to call the asylum.

Soon, a psychiatric ambulance arrives: two asylum wardens and a psychiatrist. Junior cop is already taking a nap on the lobby floor below the coat hanger holding the phone receiver in his hand. All other guys are watching T.V. The senior cop is sleeping as well as the old lady. Oinky still is stoned as a pig, the doctor and the nurse are kissing each other, so what? The T.V. shows some pop music clips in meantime.

The asylum team quickly looked around and started to dance silently. Then sing together: "I love pizza, I like bagels, I eat hot dogs with mustard and beer..."

The senior cop woke up and told: "More paramedics? Do you have some ketamine?" Shrinks telling something to him politely. He is losing his temper, he is raising a baton and starts to pressurize them, asking them to produce IDs.

They answer that they left IDs in the car and they can go and bring them. The cop tells that you are not going anywhere, dear friends! We are detaining you for forty eight hours to check your identities. Wardens are bringing him down: "Be realistic, man - there are three of us and you are alone and under an influence." In response to such an impudence, the cop is getting a red face, producing his long, long gun and yelling: "Turn to the wall, you bastards! Put your hands on your heads! Don't even try any funny stuff!"

Suddenly, Oinky, who was forgotten by everybody like he were never exist... So, Oinky who was lying and lying still, at this very moment, when the cop swung his gun, the T.V. was yelling and psychiatrist was almost pooping their pants... At this very moment Oinky farted so loud so even the chandelier started to shake! Everybody in the room got giggles. They laughed for about fifteen minutes and started to feel like they are all brothers. The T.V., very appropriately, switched to some western and everybody is started to watch it.

But Oinky, he is, you know... He is a party crasher indeed. People are having fun, they just started to enjoy the T.V., and he is started to fart. He is farting again and again! It's not only stinking like a barrel of an expired sauerkraut. It also scares everybody that he can shit on the floor. Then what should they do? People from the asylum offered to put him in the bathtub so if he'll do it, it would be easier to clean up the mess. They cops offered to drag him out of the apartment to fresh up the air.

Finally, Oinky's wife came and what she can see? Oinky is lying on the doormat, already slightly shitted up but it feels like he just started to relieve himself.

Of course, she is not excited about that. Just imagine, brothers and sisters, is it exciting if a grown man is lying under the door in his own feces and it stinks so much you need a gas mask? She is looking at her husband and telling herself: "What a bastard! Why I am spending my life with such a moron? My mom were right and I didn't listen her before I married him." With such sad thoughts she is entering the apartment and sees her stoned mom on the couch. And on the rug...

Nevertheless they already felt asleep after some sweaty activities, the sight is impressing. Just imagine on the rag there are four medics, two cops and a nurse tightly interlaced with each other. What a Doomsday view...

The Oinky's wife were watching this orgy for about two minutes then took the mop and swept away all these stoned jerks from her apartment. She is doing it so professionally and emotionless, almost without dropping swear words. Only she can do it like that! Like it is a regular light cleaning. As the first thing, she opens all windows and all the smoke flies out to the atmosphere. Right after that, she throws out off the window the used syringe, doctor's bag, female panties, two cops' hats and a long, long gun. But nobody is picking up all this junk. Because the uninvited guests got into their cars ASAP and drove away faster than a tornado. They all we very ashamed of themselves.

Original Russian text: (c) HighDuke

Ã�Ã*ñòÃ*ìÃ*Ã*ñêèå Ã*Ã*ðîäÃ*ûå ñêÃ*çêè :: Ã?êÃ*çêè è ïðî÷åå

English translation: (c) juzy

juzy: Ã�â?�Ã�»Ã�¸Ã�½Ã�½Ã�°Ã?Â� Ã?â??Ã�µÃ�»Ã�µÃ�³Ã�° Ã�¿Ã?â?¬Ã�¾ Ã�â?�Ã?Â�Ã�´Ã?Ž Ã�Â¥Ã?â?¬Ã?ŽÃ?Ë?Ã?Æ?

I like you.

All the way through reading it I could tell it was a Russian story. Wow if it doesn't have a Russian character all over it. Even that it has such a long long story that gets all the more absurd, and yet you keep reading only to find that there is no punchline at all. Not now and not forever.

It reminds me of an exchange student who lived with my family. For some reason she could not understand the fact that jokes which play on language do not translate properly and aren't funny on the other side.

She was a very beautiful girl, she had brown shoulder-length hair, a clear face, red cheeks, a nose that wrinkled when she giggled, narrow waist, wide hips and the set of knockers that when looking at them you produce the erection.

She told stories about hedgehogs and how they kiss in the forest. She told stories about actors at the little theatre, meaning that it was the Bolshoi, which actually means big so she calls it little as a joke. She said that performers tell eachother to go to the devil instead of break a leg.

My favorite story though, was about a fisherman. By favorite I mean that I never got what was funny, despite her assurance that it really really was a hilarious story and I must be the stupidest in the world. The only thing funny about it to me was that she would describe every element in great detail, so it took forever to tell the story, and it was hardly worth the wait except for the fact that I could enjoy looking at that beautiful set of parts which was so well put together for as long as it took to tell the story. For this reason I didn't mind one bit all the added details which were really completely superfluous to the story.

This is the story then, without all the embellishments I previously described, but with an imitation of the way in which she would speak it.

A fisherman sat at the bank of Neva river. After an hour he still didn't catch anything. After two hours still there was nothing found in his basket. After three hours he was getting very hungry and he thought he should leave if he didn't have the reba (fish) within a very short time. After fours hours his stomach rumbled, and it was so loud that all the birds flew from their trees and they were very upset and made great commotion squeeking, no, that's for the mouse, squawking I mean, and chirping. Then he saw a very beautiful woman walking past, and he was looking at her very hard like staring. While he was looking at her a huge fish grabbed his hook, and he was such startled that he dropped his bottle of vodka in the water and the fish got away.

She said it was a joke that she and her friends at gymnasium started, and that it was very funny if you are smart enough to know. But evidently the humor must come from wordplay, which she said was very common in Russian jokes, and also that an absent punchline after a long build up was a common element in Russian humor. So I told her it must be the fault of the communists, Lenin must have made humor illegal directly after the revolution, because her jokes were not funny in any way whatsoever. In response she bent over and revealed that she wasn't wearing any panties, only a bathrobe, which caused me to develop the erection, but she was only 16 and I was 18 so I never did touch her. I suppose she probably thought I was a homosexual.

THE END