Deep Depression, High Anxiety, No Medicine Allowed

I'm just posting this to vent, as there's no obvious solution to my problem. I suffer from serious depression and anxiety, augmented by intense, constant derealization. I cannot take pills for these conditions because just about the only part of the world that I DO feel in tune with is my physical body, and all prescription antidepressant or anxiolytic seem to change who I am, in my thoughts. They remind me of the crushing depersonalization of alcohol mixed with the horrific sensation of chemical poisoning. I just can't bear it.

What does work is marijuana. It brings out the true-ness of the world and that allows me to enjoy the things that are in it. It changes my thought patterns to emphasize and grok the subjective reality of what is around me, and allows my naturally creative mind to gain positive aesthetic sensations from my surroundings. Without it, I find myself convinced, mired in what I believe to be the objective unreality of existence, and it causes me panic and hopelessness.

I'm now forced to be without, because I was arrested by a person who saw me smoking it. I have to submit to weekly drug tests under the threat of imprisonment. I've been in this world of the unreal, the unacceptable, the non-existent, for longer than I've ever gone since I found a cure for it. That was in my early teens. I truly don't know where my life will go now. I don't know what my life is. I don't know anything.