The Irish Daughter

The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5years.
Upon her return, her father cussed her;
" Where have you been all this time, you ingrate!
Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing?
Why didn't you call?
You little tramp!
Don't you know what you put your Mammy through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad.... I became a prostitute..."

WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million.
For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

"Now what was it you said you had become?"

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! ...Sniff, sniff"

"Oh! Be Jesus! - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said "a Protestant".
Come here and give your old man a hug!"

lol - excellent.

Ha! I was getting sick of hearing nothing bit catholic jokes.... Get'em, Lulu!

LOl,.. that was great,. ty Lulu

hahahhaaa

hahaha :D too funny!

Lost at Sea, two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.

To his amazement, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish,not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer! The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick and after a long, tension filled moment, he spoke. "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

(Yes, I can make Irish jokes because I'm half Irish :) )

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him. He inquired of God, "where were you?".

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds; "look son, look what I'm after making". Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "what is it?" God replied, "it's another planet but I'm after putting LIFE on it. I've named it Earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on it. For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and south America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them - that's going to be a hot spot. Now look over here. I've put a continent of whites in the north and another one of blacks in the south. And then the archangel said, "and what's that green dot there?". And God said "ahhh that's the Emerald Isle - that's a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth; Beautiful Mountains, lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coast line. These people here are going to be great craic and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be playwrights and poets and singers and songwriters. And I'm going to give them this black liquid which they're going to go mad on and for which people will come from the far corners of the earth to imbibe. Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled proclaimed: "Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE, you said there was going to be a balance.. God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the neighbours I'm going to give them" :eek: :p :D

Hahaha!!! :D


A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as

different emotions e.g. fear etc. On the night of the party the first

guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered in green

paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this

guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" And the guy

says," I'm green with NV". The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and

have a drink."





A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door

to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa

wrapped around her most intimate parts. He says to this woman "Wow,

great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" She replies, "I'm tickled

pink." The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."





A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the

host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, standing

stark naked one with his knob in a bowl of custard, and the other with

his knob stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "Well,

what the hell are you both doing? You could get arrested standing like

that out there in the street! Anyhow what emotion is this

supposed to be?!?!"





Paddy replies, "Well, Oim fokin discustard, and Mick here has just come

in despair"...

LMAO

nice