Originally Posted by Call Me Steam
13, I understand where you are coming from. I think about these issues often, and at times in interferes with my high. My oldest brother, back in the 80's, had a sharp downward spiral beginning with cigararettes, then weed, then severe alcohol abuse, then hard drugs - he made me watch him snort cocaine while I was in third grade, and he became abusive to himself and others while drunk, and commited crimes under the influence of hard drugs and ended up in jail for 7 years. He stole from our financially struggling mother to support his habit and everyone in the family suffered from it.
This all happened before I completed forth grade, and watching he's sharp decline gave me a very hard stance against any drugs. I didn't drink AT ALL until I was 21,and did not smoke at all until I was 26. But after reaching a point of really growing up, becoming my own person, and accomplishing many of my goals, I decided marijuana was something I could handle while staying on a good path, and it really fit with my personality well, in a healthy way.
On top of that, my mom died five years ago from lung cancer, caused by years of cigarette smoking.
So of course, I've felt conflicted about my, at times, frequent use of marijuana. How can I not think about my brother when I'm using one of the drugs I watched as part of his decline as I grew up, and how can I not think of my mom's cancer and death as I breath smoke into my lungs?
Even without my personal experiances, it's understandable anyone would feel confliced given the constant popular blanket mentallity applied to all drugs including weed that it's bad, harmful, and shameful. Of course there are drugs which are destructive and ruin lives, but I believe this reputation being applied to marijuana is done so in ingornance, and probably fear. Unfortunately this popular mentality has plagued my girlfriend, whose biggest complaint against me is that I smoke the green. She tries to meet me halfway, but she really just doesn't get it, and she assumes many bad things after growing up with marijuana being thrown in the mix of anti-drug messages.
These are my own experiances, but I'm sure a lot of you aren't so different; there may be loved ones you have to hid this from, who despite the difference in opinion, you still respect where they come from. And we've all been subject to the anti-marijuana mentaility that exists in our culture. I mean, as kids we mostly assume anything illegal is bad. And to have to hide it can taint the experiance in a way and incorporate the wrong kinds of associations.
For myself personally, as much as my own intelligence, experiance, and logic makes me feel at peace with my choice to be user of marijuana, the sort of opening of the mental flood gates that happens while high; the total uninhibited thought that draws me so strongly to use the plant, also makes it hard and sometimes impossible to ignore these unerlying conflicted feelings of guilt.
13, I guess I'm taking this drawn out brainstorm somewhere different than you started, but I just really understand the feelings of conflict, and the self reflection that comes out of it that often leads you to question whether your choice to use will lead you to be someone different than you were when you started.
I guess my advice and insight, for what it's worth, is that despite the barrage of messages out there about who you should be, and how you should live your life, only you can make that decision. You know yourself better than us, and you have to guage for yourself what your limits are, and how true you're being to yourself. Using marijuana has helped me to see myself through a different lense, and I've become self-aware in ways I was not before and I've used it as a tool to better myself and get closer to self-actualizing. Sometimes I use it to relax. Sometimes I use it to enhance my already pretty jolly and humorous disposition. Often I use to to help open creative doors while writing music. Whatever your reasons for lighting up, if you enjoy it and like the changes it may bring you, then you're probably ok. You write the rules for your own life. And I doubt you're all that different when you light up; probably a version of yourself with some magnified traits, but you're still you.
You say that you're happier with who you are when you're sober, but you also like who you are when you're high. Remember that through and through, you're still the same person. And I'm probably projecting my own experiance, but maybe part of what's hindering your enjoyment is the combined experiance and viewpoints of others.
But really, I can't, nor can anyone, tell you what you should or should not do. But I have a feeling you'll be fine to just keep on keepin' on.
Keep it cool, Brotha-Man. :rastasmoke:
