ahhh... same every night. Try to do some homework after a long day, find myself to tired to think right... So its bed time, right? One would think so. but the instant my head touches the mattress (pillows make my neck hurt even worse) my brain kicks into high gear. Starts racing about 100mph, thinking on every conceivable trouble (or pleasentry) on my mind...
Take tonight for example. I want a cig. BAD. Its been 9 days since my last cig (by choice), and these past three have been, by far the hardest. Its gotten to the point where I'm trying to fool myself into smoking a cigar... but its the same thing, its a smoke. Its a smoke because I want a smoke more than anything else. Any smoke. Thats no good...
Of course, I'm sure it doesnt help, at all, that I'm laying off the greenery for a while. Couple reason, everything from money to morals (again, I need it. And I don't like to be dependant on anyone or anything). But pot helps me focus on 1 thought at a time (useful especially for doing homework, because I am always chugging away at multiple things, like my car and my calc test, and my physics homework, all will be actively on my mind). Of course, its definately easier ot make simple errors while high, which is the main reason I'm taking a break (an engineering degree doesnt go well with large pot intake). But I miss smoking. I wish I could go take my pooch for a walk through the woods and smoke a fat chronic joint right now. God that would be good, wouldn't it?
Got lots other things on my mind... haven't been the most social since I got out of the major drug scene (hell, I've never been the most social but its gotten really bad. Only freind I have is due to pot). Sucks. Basically all I do is go to class twice a week (though I do have 10 hours of class on Tuesday and 3 hours on Thurs) and go to work. Come back home and work on my car... Not saying I want to party like I used to, not at all! Just would be nice to meet a couple people I actually had something in common with for once... or even better, a nice lil chick :rolleyes: But that ain't gonna happen around here... All these suburban kids... I say kids for a reason too... I'm sick of this town.
I dunno, just rambling on... Can't sleep, can't relax. Hell probably doesnt help that just laying on my mattress causes my neck to become very sore and painful, even after only a couple minutes. By morning it takes a fair amount of stretching before it loosens up enough to function normal (hot shower always helps)... Back is starting to bother me at night too (though at no other times do I notice any back pain)... Fucking 20 years old, in fairly good shape (hell, I'm 215lbs and I can bust out 12 pull ups no problem)... This aint right man.
Yeah anyways um... I'll shut up now, I'm sure nobody really wants to hear this anyhow... I know I don't... Fuck this town, fuck this life.. Guess I'm just counting on things to change when I go away to school next fall (couple years at a Community College, working on a transfer to a university up north for next fall)... I dunno, hopefully I dont fuck it up by smoking too much pot and failing outta school again (drank my self outta college after my first year, cant afford to do that again... havent touched booze since I've gone back because of that)... Yeah so I guess I lied but now I really will shut up :cool:
And no I haven't done any drugs tonight. In fact I haven't dont anything besides herb in many months...
