Excuses for Being Late To Work

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the John, but I feel good about it.

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source, exactly e*log(pi), of the clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

My stigmata's acting up.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Yankees, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys.
We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Un-dead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Lulu

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

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I don't know why, but I found that one to be absolutely hilarious! I guess it's just a funny mental picture.

Slightly off topic, but if you're ever pulled over for speeding, a good excuse (a real one) is to say you have diarrhea and that you really have to go. I used that once and it worked!

*im a little drunk
*im doing allahs work (boss may call the fbi)
*beating my wife/kid/dog
*entire family died in tragic golf cart accident
*amy the intern keeps on trying to read my mind
*checking into rehab (that means medical leave)
*going to get an abortion, ill be in by 12

I've never tried this but I've always wondered what would happen. Call into work and that you're sick. When the boss says that you don't sound sick, say I'm in the middle of having sex with my sister and I'll have to call you back.

Thanks Lulu I'm now fully armed and ready for the next time I'm late lol. :D

Lol your all very funny!

Sometimes im late to school and the teacher would ask why. I say "My moms tire poped and I had to run here"

Translation Truth: "I was smoking with my mom, and she ran over something sharp"

lmfao thats sum funny shit.
When im late i normally say we had a power cut so all the alarms didnt go off...not funny but it works.