I Am Evil

Recently my mind is becoming more twisted by the day. I am convinced one day, I'll be on death row for murder. My explosive temper has taken over, and I am in a constant state of anger. I am starting to lack basic emotions, and empathy. I just feel cold, and void. I lost all connections with others except my twisted mind. I don't feel, at least not in a way I remembered. I am fucked up. Completely.

I choked a friend the other day. I was impatient, and he was slowing me down, wouldn't get out of my house. Waited 10-15 minutes, until I stormed in there, and told him to get the fuck out essentially. Asshole started playing games, and I couldn't take it, so I started choking him. After I threw his ass outta the house, I went in my car and left. No remorse, not even a bit of feeling like I did any wrong.

It isn't the first time I lost my temper and it turned into violence. This is the first time I felt no remorse for my actions. Any morality I had in me has dissipated.

There were 2 sides of me:

One was my normal self. Happy go-lucky, always smiling, laid-back, kind, helpful to others, peaceful, tranquil.

The other is a side I hate to unleash but has overtaken me. Cold, uncaring, selfish, violent, angry, abusive. Normally this side is only unleashed once in a while. An explosion which is random and irrational. You could see it in my eyes when I'm in this state.

I am at a point of no return. No matter how I fought this problem in the past, how I suppressed it, how I tried to change, I can't. This force is too strong for me to control. Call me weak, I am in this way. But there is something sinister taking over me. I don't like it. No matter how I push it away, it only comes back stronger, and stronger.

Every day, my sense of spirituality is waning, it feels like I lost my soul. It's gone.

I am losing my touch with reality, and humanity, to the point I don't know how I function each day. I want redemption. To not become a soulless creature. I want the ability to care, and interact with others without resorting to anger and violence. I want to feel alive again.

you may have simptons of being bi polar, seek help.

Any suspicions plaguing you these days, bongman? You're describing an uncontrollable temper, which is nothing to be afraid of but should definitely be handled, as it has the capacity to crush your existing relationships with people. So you're a little weak-minded? Who isn't? Before therapists, people handled their problems on their own. Some simply acted out the unease in an unhealthy way but you're smart enough to know how to relax. Some terms that come to mind:

Self-reflection, self-affirmation, self-control, etc. You don't need professional help. Who knows you better than yourself? Just think, and be aware of irrational thoughts. Even if it is merely something you would like to think of as "irrational." For example, when I think about how much I hate my mother, I label the thought as irrational because deep down I don't want to hate my mother. You're skipping a few steps in the thinking process. Just slow it down a bit.

And hit me up on AIM, if you want.

The professional community did nothing but to insinuate it further. I will not go that route.

I don't care if you think I'm crazy as fuck. But at least if you don't have an answer or a clue, don't say "seek professional help." You make it seem like I'm a total fuck up who can't function at all. I am taking on a new position with great responsibilities, I'm going to school part-time, I'm not exactly what you call a lazy bastard or some screaming bat lunatic here. Even if I wanted to seek professional help, I don't have the goddamn time. So here it is. Every bit of insight helps. I'm not saying anyone here has the cure, to assume that is laughable. I don't expect the answer from anyone because no one has it. It's aid to seek exploration into ones self for embetterment.

If you have nothing truly constructive to say, don't say it. Seeking professional help is a cruel ass joke.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by thcbongman

The professional community did nothing but to insinuate it further. I will not go that route.

I don't care if you think I'm crazy as fuck. But at least if you don't have an answer or a clue, don't say "seek professional help." You make it seem like I'm a total fuck up who can't function at all. I am taking on a new position with great responsibilities, I'm going to school part-time, I'm not exactly what you call a lazy bastard or some screaming bat lunatic here. Even if I wanted to seek professional help, I don't have the goddamn time. So here it is. Every bit of insight helps. I'm not saying anyone here has the cure, to assume that is laughable. I don't expect the answer from anyone because no one has it. It's aid to seek exploration into ones self for embetterment.

If you have nothing truly constructive to say, don't say it. Seeking professional help is a cruel ass joke.

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This must be the kind of impatience you're describing, bongman. Re-read your post and you might discover something you're missing?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by thcbongman

The professional community did nothing but to insinuate it further. I will not go that route.

I don't care if you think I'm crazy as fuck. But at least if you don't have an answer or a clue, don't say "seek professional help." You make it seem like I'm a total fuck up who can't function at all. I am taking on a new position with great responsibilities, I'm going to school part-time, I'm not exactly what you call a lazy bastard or some screaming bat lunatic here. Even if I wanted to seek professional help, I don't have the goddamn time. So here it is. Every bit of insight helps. I'm not saying anyone here has the cure, to assume that is laughable. I don't expect the answer from anyone because no one has it. It's aid to seek exploration into ones self for embetterment.

If you have nothing truly constructive to say, don't say it. Seeking professional help is a cruel ass joke.

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Only you hold the answer to you're problem. Do some self-examination and you may find it. Try meditating or something. Thats all I can recommend.

isn't it possible that the stress from a new important job and going to school is just combining to make you feel this way...

I have a question though... do you still want to find someone to love? do you still have the desire to find a woman who will love you back? or do you love yourself too much now to seriously include someone else in the equation...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Ganj

This must be the kind of impatience you're describing, bongman. Re-read your post and you might discover something you're missing?

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The funny thing is I always thought of myself as a patient person, I mean I waited 10-15 minutes for the guy before I took action. Thing was, I wasn't even angry beforehand. In fact, quite cheerful. But when it happened, it was like a dream.

But now that I truly think about it, I am incredibly impatient.

I do everything faster than normal, walk, eat, sleep, everything revolves around speed, and concept of getting things done in a timely manner. If I don't want to for someone to get something done, I'd do it myself. That's why I like weed so much, it slows me down.

Maybe it slowed you down so much that now you feel you need overexert yourself to get anything done. Making up for lost time? And this is all so sudden, bongman. I wouldn't have expected this from you. Is there anything I missed?

i'll tell you what everyone tells me <.<;;; (yes i do pay attention to what everyone here tells me)

do some meditation, it might help.

does it have any triggers? or just random? does it happen relatively at the same periods, or again, completely random? are you happy with your life atm (mostly social... like do you feel as if you're being ignored, shunned or taken advantage of?) do you have friends/family or are you mostly a loner?