Relationship issue (female input appreciated)

Yo to all.

I just need to put this into words somehow and maybe people could give me some advice. I'm coming up to the 3rd year of my first real relationship with the one girl i've ever slept with. We're both really happy except it seems for one issue that keeps coming up. My girl had a tough childhood and some tough times at school (including the first year of our primary school, of which we both attended in the same year, kinda how we first met). We both fell for eachother hard after getting together on my 18th birthday and it's been great ever since. I love her a lot and she loves me too, we both agree that the time spent together has been the best in our lives thus far.

The only problem is she likes to talk about the future a lot, in particular our future. It's not really serious when she does, just a jokey, playful comment about how she can't wait to marry me, or can't wait to move into a house and have a bagillion babies. Jokey shit like that. The problem with it is I don't like to think too far ahead, particularly at this time in my life when i'm scared to death of entering the real world and trying to find a career in music (one of the hardest careers to establish). Sometimes when she makes a joke or starts to talk about the future sentimentally, I visibly tense up, of which she translates negatively as a relationship thing.

She is an amazing and strong person but also quite fragile emotionally, particularly after the rough shit she's been through. The dilemma is, I feel at this stage in my life I would prefer to make no plans for the future and enjoy the ride of university, something you only get to do once. This simply means I would like to take shit as it comes. In her head this means I have plans that don't involve her. While this is not the case at all, it's becoming more and more apparent that she needs that reassurance in the form of promises and devotions, something I would rather not do. Not because of any lack of faith in our relationship, simply because I have no idea what's going to happen. I just feel more relaxed in my "now" bubble instead of thinking about the grim reality of becoming an adult.

I have explained this to her many times but, like I said, it seems she really needs that reassurance, which I don't feel comfortable giving her. She sees it as, to put it bluntly, me planning on breaking up with her. Nothing could be farther from the truth, it is just a simple, human contrast of our views on life. I just don't know how to handle it. I wish she could just relax and share my perspective. It doesn't mean anything negative for us, it just means going with the flow and tackling issues as they come instead of needlessly planning years into the future.

It gets her down because her thoughts run wild and she reads a million things into it. It gets me down because i've been there for her every single time she's needed me to be and yet she pressures me emotionally with this issue that really shouldn't be an issue at all.

Is there any advice people can give me here? I'd like to know what the ladies of the boards who have experience with long terms relationships think. It might be alright if I just went along with the jokes/half-jokes and told her I was planning on marrying her, but that's just not me and i'd be lying to her. I just want us to see eye-to-eye and for her to know that it's not something that she needs to take apart in her head. I love her more than ever.

Cheers.

I'm kind of in the same boat as you. Sort of, except my boyfriend is the one with the plans..and I'm the one steering clear of them. I'm 17 (18 in a few months) and he's just turning 16 (we've been together for almost 8 months..have been good friends for years though). Is your girlfriend the same age as you? I think at the time in your life it's really important to focus on getting your shit together, i.e career, school, ect...not really marriage and children. I know how you feel, you're probably just as scared as I am at the fact that you have to GROW UP..and marriage is just a step too far?

Honestly, I would bluntly tell her.."Listen babe, this isn't about you. I'm not going to break up with you, and I plan on having you in my future, but at this point in my life, I don't want to think about marriage or children. While I do want those things, I just don't want them yet. Give me a few years to become financially stable so when I do want those things, it's not a spur of the moment thing and we won't be broke or overly stressed"..

something along those lines? I don't really know what else to tell you if you've already told her straight up what the deal is.

I don't think I helped much, but I feel you, bro. It'll work out..if you two really love eachother and shit is as good as you say it is, then this should work out. Just be honest and sensitive.

my advice, you're 18+ ? thats pretty young. you'll change a lot in the next few years. there is a good chance you'll change and so will she and you'll just go your seperate ways. but 'don't cry because its over, smile because it happened'. who knows, maybe you will marry that girl...maybe you won't. just roll with it man...whatever happens happens.


my theory with girls, is when that first doubt creeps into your mind. its over...its happened to me a few times, at the time i never wanted to believe that it was over, but looking back now i can see that when that first 'this sucks' thought gets into my melon that was the beginning of the end.

good luck.

We're both 20. I've been at uni for a year, she's just started. Thanks for the replies, I feel better about the whole thing just writing it down (and having a toke). I feel things'll get better this year once we move into a house with some friends. We've been living in proximity for a while (halls) and both been stressed out recently about a lot of things (such as getting her into uni) so there have been lots of contributing factors to the tension we've had. Once we're both in the same student boat i'm sure she will feel comfortable.

I'm seeing her tomorrow anyway so will talk about it again. Thanks again for the help and concern.

I know a lot people might rag on me cause I like Dr. Laura (mostly), but I think she has good advice for this kind of situation. Try an engagement of two years after you've known eachother and dated for at least a year, then if you still can't decide, put it off and get engaged another two years. I'm pretty sure you would find your answer if you follow this technique.

Tell her what your feeling...?

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Originally Posted by B.Basher

Yo to all.

The only problem is she likes to talk about the future a lot, in particular our future. It's not really serious when she does, just a jokey, playful comment about how she can't wait to marry me, or can't wait to move into a house and have a bagillion babies. Jokey shit like that. The problem with it is I don't like to think too far ahead, particularly at this time in my life when i'm scared to death of entering the real world and trying to find a career in music (one of the hardest careers to establish). Sometimes when she makes a joke or starts to talk about the future sentimentally, I visibly tense up, of which she translates negatively as a relationship thing.

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The first thing I would wonder about is whether she wants me for myself, or as the provider for a tribe of children. Do you want all those kids? What would she do if you told her you didn't want any at all? You know, it's extremely expensive and time consuming to have a bunch of kids, which would seriously affect your music, or whatever you're going to do with your life.

Many women are more "in love" with reproducing than the men they have relationships with.

I didn't have kids and it was the best thing I ever did. You never hear older people say "Gee, I wish I'd had a dozen kids". Those that did (have numerous children) are usually so burned out by the time they reach middle-age that they don't even want to think about what life would have been like if they hadn't.