Blame It on Mr. Rogers!

Blame It on Mr. Rogers: Why
Young Adults Feel So Entitled
July 5, 2007; Page B5
MOVING ON
By JEFF ZASLOW
WSJ Online

Don Chance, a finance professor at Louisiana State University, says it dawned on him last spring. The semester was ending, and as usual, students were making a pilgrimage to his office, asking for the extra points needed to lift their grades to A's.

"They felt so entitled," he recalls, "and it just hit me. We can blame Mr. Rogers."

Fred Rogers, the late TV icon, told several generations of children that they were "special" just for being whoever they were. He meant well, and he was a sterling role model in many ways. But what often got lost in his self-esteem-building patter was the idea that being special comes from working hard and having high expectations for yourself.

Now Mr. Rogers, like Dr. Spock before him, has been targeted for re-evaluation. And he's not the only one. As educators and researchers struggle to define the new parameters of parenting, circa 2007, some are revisiting the language of child ego-boosting. What are the downsides of telling kids they're special? Is it a mistake to have children call us by our first names? When we focus all conversations on our children's lives, are we denying them the insights found when adults talk about adult things?

Some are calling for a recalibration of the mind-sets and catch-phrases that have taken hold in recent decades. Among the expressions now being challenged:

"You're special." On the Yahoo Answers Web site, a discussion thread about Mr. Rogers begins with this posting: "Mr. Rogers spent years telling little creeps that he liked them just the way they were. He should have been telling them there was a lot of room for improvement. ... Nice as he was, and as good as his intentions may have been, he did a disservice."

Signs of narcissism among college students have been rising for 25 years, according to a recent study led by a San Diego State University psychologist. Obviously, Mr. Rogers alone can't be blamed for this. But as Prof. Chance sees it, "he's representative of a culture of excessive doting."

Prof. Chance teaches many Asian-born students, and says they accept whatever grade they're given; they see B's and C's as an indication that they must work harder, and that their elders assessed them accurately. They didn't grow up with Mr. Rogers or anyone else telling them they were born special.

By contrast, American students often view lower grades as a reason to "hit you up for an A because they came to class and feel they worked hard," says Prof. Chance. He wishes more parents would offer kids this perspective: "The world owes you nothing. You have to work and compete. If you want to be special, you'll have to prove it."

"They're just children." When kids are rude, self-absorbed or disrespectful, some parents allow or endure it by saying, "Well, they're just children." The phrase is a worthy one when it's applied to a teachable moment, such as telling kids not to stick their fingers in electrical sockets. But as an excuse or as justification for unacceptable behavior, "They're just children" is just misguided.

"Call me Cindy." Is it appropriate to place kids on the same level as adults, with all of us calling each other by our first names? On one hand, the familiarity can mark a loving closeness between child and adult. But on the other hand, when a child calls an adult Mr. or Ms., it helps him recognize that status is earned by age and experience. It's also a reminder to respect your elders.

"Tell me about your day." It is crucial to talk to kids about their lives, and that dialogue can enrich the whole family. However, parents also need to discuss their own lives and experiences, says Alvin Rosenfeld, a Manhattan-based child psychiatrist who studies family interactions.

In America today, life often begins with the anointing of "His Majesty, the Fetus," he says. From then on, many parents focus their conversations on their kids. Today's parents "are the best-educated generation ever," says Dr. Rosenfeld. "So why do our kids see us primarily discussing kids' schedules and activities?"

He encourages parents to talk about their passions and interests; about politics, business, world events. "Because everything is child-centered today, we're depriving children of adults," he says. "If they never see us as adults being adults, how will they deal with important matters when it is their world?"

Moving On - WSJ.com

Good article, and I agree with it wholeheartedly. My parents always make me call my friend's parents or my parent's friends Mr. or Mrs. whatever. And I was never taught that I should be given things just because. Of course you have to earn your grades. Also, I believe my parents always disciplined me properly. If I ever did something bad as a kid, my parents would always make sure I stopped doing what I was doing by one way or another. I literally can't believe people would ask their professors to boost their grade when they didn't even earn it. Oh and by the way Mr. Rogers was one of my favorite shows as a kid! :)

Can you say condescending?
... I knew you could!

Yep, condescending indeed.

The interesting thing is my parents and their colleagues have been college professors since the mid and late 50s. Long before Mr. Rogers was shown to children, American college students were trying to wheedle higher grades out of their professors. And they're not the only ones, either. The writer of that article might not have had Asian-American wheedlers, but in my university and in the universities where my parents taught, those were very common requests from Asian-American and Middle-Eastern students, too. The expectations of those students and their cultures was so high. The Asian-Americans more frequently simply made the top grades and didn't need to wheedle because they worked so hard and earned those grades. But when they didn't quite make the top marks, they most definitely asked for ways to make their grades higher. One of my dad's favorite lines was, "Dr. Anderson, you have to give me an A because I simply have to have an A in this course."

So Mr. Rogers isn't responsible for that trend. That author also apparently wasn't familiar with Dr. Spock, who espoused firm limits and discipline and not giving in to children's every wish. The pediatrician T. Berry Brazelton is regarded much more as the children's expert/book author who takes a child-coddling approach, not Spock.

I think its important for parents to tell their kids that yes they're special, but no one is perfect. My parents told me that I was special and smart and all of those things, but I am very well grounded in the fact that you get out of life what you put in to it. I accept my grades as what I've earned without question (unless there really is a mistake, and even then I try to approach it in a very respectful way).
I agree that some kids are raised to believe that they're the greatest thing to grace the earth. Life is going to be very hard for them once they enter the real world.