some awesome quotes to think about when your high.
By the way, these are all by Steven Wright
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect it back.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
So, what's the speed of darkness?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn
louder."
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on
it.
Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights
work?
