Comforting a Girl who has been hurt

[SmokeyPotter]

I'm in a confusing situation right now and could use anybody's experience and suggestions.

My best friend Julia just got screwed over royally. A couple weeks ago she started to liked this guy and eventually started talking to him on the phone more and visiting him more. I could tell that she really felt special about this guy. This guy was so lucky to have Julia's affection, so I respected him in a sense, because any guy that Julia would look fondly upon had to be a good guy. However, more and more I started getting these negative vibes about the entire situation. After awhile It just seemed like this guy was playing Julia and manipulating her into getting what he wanted, sex. Of course I didn't really tell Julia about my feelings, after all she really liked him and was happy.

She called me tonight, almost in tears and explained to me what had just happened. She had called him on the phone and he was acting really weird, just really passively, "yeah....uh huh.......yep.........uh huh" She then heard a female voice in the background and asked who it was. This guy denied that anybody was with him. Even though she had clearly heard someone. He later changed his story that he was with his roommate. Alright, so this guy is now officially lying about not being with a girl. What reason would he have to lie other than if something was going on with this other girl?

I just don't know how I can comfort her. I've told her that some guys are just assholes and she can do way better than that. She told me that this always happens to her, guys screwing her over. I just want her to know that I would never ever do something like that.

It's crazy too, because I had these negative vibes about this guy from the beginning. I "knew" in my heart that he wasn't a good guy, but I won't tell someone what to do with their lives. However, I almost feel responsible in a way. Should I have been more vocal with her? I mean I really couldn't say that this guy was totally bad news. I had nothing to base it off of, only my gut feeling. So the most I ever told her, was that I was uncomfortable with the whole situation, but to do what she wants and to follow her heart.

We did have a more romantic side to our relationship at one time, but It's since moved to a very close best friend. I know she did have feelings for me, and she still could. I think she's just confused about what she wants right now.

I just want to comfort her, show her I care deeply for her and that I'm the kind of guy that would never hurt her. It's just confusing, knowing we have such a deep bond, but not knowing what she wants for a "more than friends" relationship. I just hope she can see past how this guy has hurt her and focus on who has been there for her all along.

Sorry for all the drama, I've never posted something like the on a forum before. I've always been able to figure out the right thing to do, but this time is just too complicated.

What do you all think? Thanks.

[OzzyOz]

ehhh... well.....
my friend had a similar thing happen, he found his girlfriend and one of his bestfriends in the bed together. :(

the best way is to just be there for her, not ignore her, and love her for what she does.

that's my best guess

[GooseBear]

I think that you should just be there for her.
She doesn't need your feelings into the mix right now.
I have a friend who perpetually gets mixed up with the "smooth guys" I call them. I can tell that they are not really up to any good but then she seems so happy I don't want to crush that just like you didn't want to crush her spirit. She always goes for the "ass" never the guy that is totally real
then the guy does some asshole thing and I'm hearing the sob story of life. She would get drunk and do stupid shit I finnally wrote her a letter when the time was right showing her that shit and how I cared about her. I was brutely honest.
She later thanked me because she was just messing around with these losers. She thought nobody cared but by me showing her that I did she didn't even care that I told her she totally embarassed herself with this one inncident.
Okay thats going off the topic but totally just be there for her
she will maybe realize that she is really in love with you just like the movies.........
GOOD LUCK

[00Ampersand]

well, first I'd like to say that I feel for this situation man...been there, done that--and even though it's a common one, it's not always a simple one to get through.
What I think you have to realize though is:
a)whether or not she's a good enough friend that you'd be willing to keep the status quo..
b), whether or not you want to make an attempt at being "more than friends", (while running the risk of losing this friendship with her).
I'll check up on this and see what your thoughts are
~007~

[str82hevenDS]

if your woman cheats on u with another man, the only solution is to kill her and then kill your self. just kidding. this sucks man, but it happens so much, she needs to move on. Dirt bag probly doesn't deserve her anyway, right?

[SmokeyPotter]

Yeah, we've discussed this and I've told that if she didn't want anything more than a friendship I would be fine with that. If I can't be her boyfriend, I just want to be someone who is always there for her. She has told me that she does have feelings for me, but just doesn't know what she want at the moment. She also said no to rule out anything that could happen in the future. We have such a strong connection with each other that I think becoming "more than friends" would only take what we have now to a higher level. I'm not planning on actively pursuing this in the near future. I just want her to realize it.

[GooseBear]

yes but respect yourself to, nothing more sad then the dude who pines his life away for the what he said he had the "perfect girl" while other girls that are just as perfect float his way and he ignores them because they are not like the girl who just keeps him on the edge not knowing if she will ever have feelings for him or not.

[SmokeyPotter]

Goose: In a way I sometimes see myself as that guy, as much as I don't want it to happen. However, I look at mine and Julia's relationship as something I'd like to see develop into something more, although I'm still very happy with what we have now. I'm not going to "hold out" for her; I'll keep searching for other cool girls until I find the right one. Perhaps I'll find that Julia is the right girl, and something will come of that, or I'll find someone different. In which case I'd like to still have Julia as the friend I have now.

[00Ampersand]

Cool shit dude:) my advice would be:
-keep doing what you're doing, which is "being supportive"--I use this term lightly. Don't overdo it.
-do NOT allow her to become dependant on you for emotional support. She probably has tons of other friends other than you, so spread it around! lol. Let her know that you're there for her, and that's it...if you ignore this advice, you will no longer be her friend...you'll become her girlfriend lol. Obviously, you do not want this to happen if you still want at LEAST the POSSIBILITY of you two hooking-up.
-see/date other people. Paradoxically, if you wait around for her to "come to her senses" , she won't. But if you get out there, and treat Julia as if she were one of your guy-buddies, the odds are way better that she'll start seeing you as more than a friend........that is, if you want that to happen hehe
~007~
~007~

[00Ampersand]

hmmm, odd...you just stated what I addressed in the preceding post. Good boy
~007~

[jacquelyne]

Yeah, we've discussed this and I've told that if she didn't want anything more than a friendship I would be fine with that. If I can't be her boyfriend, I just want to be someone who is always there for her. She has told me that she does have feelings for me, but just doesn't know what she want at the moment. She also said no to rule out anything that could happen in the future. We have such a strong connection with each other that I think becoming "more than friends" would only take what we have now to a higher level. I'm not planning on actively pursuing this in the near future. I just want her to realize it.
Smokey u are very sweet u have a kind heart there should be more like you around

[jaycarroll]

yea just be there for her now but tommorow shes gonna be with someone else and he'll probably be another asshole so whats the right thing to do i think you should tell her what you think if you think the guy aint good enough for her tell her and if it turns out he wasnt then she'll know your only looking out for her and have her best interests at heart and also i think you should ask her how does she feel about you could she ever see herself with you and if she says yes then cool ye can work on it and hopefully be together but if she says no then you'll know where you stand but your never gonna know unless you sit down and speak with the girl this is just what i think whatever happens best a luck jay