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trynagethigh
02-11-2007, 04:56 AM
Anybody here been through a horrific tragedy that has you fucked up mentally forever? Changed you? Altered your life and lifestyle? How you think? The person you used to be/are now? There has to be someone out there that can relate to me.

timothylearyisdead
02-11-2007, 04:57 AM
Oh yes quite a few times actually. I'd rather not get into it though.

trynagethigh
02-11-2007, 05:02 AM
Next?

Matt the Funk
02-11-2007, 05:37 AM
I got car-jacked at gun point by 6 men dressed in black with ski-masks on when I was like 3. I still remember it very detailed. Probally scared me emotionally and is partially why I am paranoid on/off the road. We were car-jacked behind my house next to where the Northhollywood metro station is. Just me and my mom in the car. My dad had actually noticed 6 men for the past month around the area sorta just looking at us when we came home. I believe the car was a ford thunderbird, brand new. It also fucked my mom up kinda. She is afraid to drive at night, and afraid to drive in small areas. She actually tries to drive as little as possible(while still being able to function somehwat normally).HAHA I thought this thread was involving traffic incidents! Well I have WAY more. Some include, multiple hallucinations throughout my life since I can remember. Feelings of extreme paranoia at all times. Multiple suicide attempts by age 5. My parents own suicide attempts. All the physical abuse inflicted on me and my mother. More on me, by both parents. Kinda the only times I saw my parents, they were fighting and took there anger out on me for w/e reason. Uhh pther random things could be having a crazy ass aunt who makes up bullshit stories and use to get me in trouble for no reason, and a weird (probally has pyscosis) cousin who would fuck with my head and tourment me all day everyday(same school, and I went to his house after school). I've tried killing people before too. I actually have no idea why no one has called the cops on me. I went into the hospital last year for a week or so, and that really allowed me to realize there was REALLY something wrong with me. Helped me find meds that made me feel normal. It kinda chnaged my outlook on life because it made me realize how diverse the universe is. Also I have been extensivley sudying philosophy and psychology and I am utterly confused now. I really have no idea what to think anymore thanks to studying those subjects. But all in all,I change so much so often because I haven't really reached a stable point in my life, and I still live with my parents. So I guess what I say doesn't really relate to what you are going through? Just say what's going on and I can give a specific example.

Breukelen advocaat
02-11-2007, 06:24 AM
After telling a doctor (not a shrink) the circumstances behind a few of the terrible things that happened to me as a kid, he said that he was amazed that I didn't end up in jail, skid row or in a mental institution - and he didn't even hear the half of it, lol.

Don't give up, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I know this from experience.

PotHeed420
02-11-2007, 06:33 AM
my lifes had some pretty fucked up shit happen to me and i'm only 16

my good friend overdosed from methadon 2 years ago and my mom has cancer, some other personal shit about myself that nobody knows, litterally, that has a will keep my life changed forever

suhl
02-11-2007, 06:34 AM
when i eat a burger from steak and shake it burns when i take a shit. the burgers are so good but the pain is so bad. to me that is a tragedy

trynagethigh
02-11-2007, 09:01 AM
Man this is gonna be a long one but here it goes cause you have to understand my life from the beginning. I was raised by my moms and grandmom, dad passed at the age of 6. Didnt have a bad childhood but looking back on it the death of my father really changed me amongst other things. Family was pretty close, was just my mom, grandma, my brother and his wife, my uncle mainly. Anyway, about the age of 12 my uncle gave me a job working in his law office as he was a high profile criminal attorney back in the early 80's. If you have ever seen the movie Casino, the guys in the movie Nicky Santoro and his brother were actually Tony Spilltro and Michael Spillotro, these were his clients and were always at my house for dinner on Sundays. I had no idea who these guys were. I knew they carried guns but didnt really care i guess. While working at the office i was exposed to lots of murder scene photos and all kinds of shit i probably shouldnt have been seeing. Ive seen some very fucked up mob hit crime scene photos.

Later on in life 1991 my gransma dies, this is where the shit starts going downhill for me, I got hooked up with this girl who I eventually started selling coke with. I had 40 bucks to my name and i went into business. In a matter of two years I managed to have three people run my operation, made a huge Columbian connection, and basically take over an entire city area...no ripoffs whatsoever, I just had the best shit you could get.Late 1994 Im going out to the club to meet my Columbian guy and as I am walking down the block to the club a truck comes flying down the block and starts blastin my Columbian guys truck, killing him. 1995 rolls around and theres a drought for everybody but me. Sure enough my phone rings, the guy down the street wants a 1/4 kilo. No problem i tell him. I call my guy and he says hes on the way and my buddy walks down and gives me the money.Now mind the guy i am buying from I have dealt with for about 10 years. An hour later he shows up, I hand him the money, he gives me the bag and hes gone. So I go down the street to make the drop, go inside, and after opening the bag it turns out to be laundry detergent. Now this guy thinks I ripped him off and he wants his loot back, only one thing... I only got 1500 that was my end. Here is where the hostage situation begins. Me and my buddy are now in my buddys basement and this guy wont let me leave. To make a long story short, I call my cousin for the money and he senses something is wrong and calls a friend of his on SWAT. Anyway, SWAT comes and gets all of us and now were in the county. Fuckin judge set my damn bail at half a mil, calls me back in 1/2 hour later and then proceeds to tell me that after looking over my charges and the fact that they had been trying to find me for some time he couldnt let me walk the street for less than 750 grand. So I get bailed out, the charges are dropped due to toxicology negative.

1996 my mom dies.

Now Im living my life looking over my shoulder, dont know if this guys coming around or what. Needless to say i took my money and got out of the game. Well problem number 2. Over the years of selling I had acquired quite an arsenal of weapons. Guns, homemade rocket launchers, all kinds of shit. February 2002 i get a knock at the door, its the police looking for me cause some guns i had came up stolen and they traced it back to me. Needless to say they took all my shit and im off to jail again. Ended up getting a year probation and walking.

Here the last and final blow in life Im dealt…January 3, 2003 my entire family is found murdered execution style in their home, where I used to live. Included were my brother, my 18 year old niece, her boyfriend and their 2 year old son, my great nephew. When I show up at the scene im immediately taken into custody and to be interrogated for 3 days. Before you know it Im the prime suspect. They searched my house and found some old ammo i didnt even know i had and charged me with that and probation violation, just to keep me longer. So now im more fucked up than I have ever been and im interrogated by every law enforcement agency out. They were pulling out files from the DEA, the ATF ,FBI, you name it. My house where my girl and kids are was under 24 hour surveillence, theres news cameras and all kinds of shit, my kids were totally freaked out. It was pure chaos so I was told.Then to top all of it off while im in there i get a chance to call my good old uncle who is the attorney and him and my cousin have the nerve to ask me if i did it. I couldnt believe what i was hearing. My own family questioning me in this? It was at that moment I didnt know who to trust, more importantly i couldnt trust anyone. I was literally alone and that is a feeling i wish on nobody. To know that you have nobody on your side at a time like this was a double blow to me. At this point I just said fuck it and talking out loud and laughing sorta, I said “ok God I give up, just keep sending me shit I can take it” I felt like I was literally losing my mind. And just as I asked for, the shit kept coming…

Anyway im released on bond again after finally finding my buddy i was with practically the whole weekend and he verified where I was.. Now im home and i feel like a complete stranger in the world. I personally thought I had been killed or somehow transferred into hell. I didn’t know anybody anymore. My neighbors didn’t speak to me like they used to. Life as I knew it existed no more and had been destroyed and changed forever for me in a matter of seconds. My family is looking at me., im lookin over my shoulder, cause whoever did this is still on the loose with a machine gun they stole, which was why all of this happened to begin with, but ill get to that. My life was coming apart bit by bit to me. Two weeks go by, I didn’t sleep but maybe a half hour a day. Didn’t come out very much and when I did believe me I was armed to the teeth and was a walking paranoid timebomb. Any way about two weeks later the phone rings and its my brothers best friend who lived next door to my brother. He tells me that his brother was just murdered on his backporch right next door to my brothers house. Here we go all over again. Now im really freaking out. I cant sleep at all cause im thinkin whoever this is, is coming for me..and I don’t know who it is and they damn sure gotta know me. I guess this is where the reality sets in that at any given point I may and will have to take someones life if need be and that’s not a feeling that I am comfortable with what so ever. Im so fucked up at this point I got cameras everywhere and aint nobody goin nowhere in or out this door without me seein and hearing them. I was so fucked up I couldn’t even go to the funerals..I went to my family wake and that was almost too much for me to withstand.

Over the next couple of days 3 more people are killed and another shot but he lived. A week later the guy who did it is cornered in a nearby motel and blows his brains out. Turns out there was two of them and the one who killed himself turned out to be the 18 year old boy who lived next door to my brother. Another boy was arrested as well and is in jail waiting for trial to start. Thing that really bothers me is that my family did not deserve this, me maybe, I know I destroyed a lot of lives, but them..no way. I also feel guilty because I know that if I was there this would not have happened. I know me and it wouldn’t have..Oh and lets not forget the part where I went into the house and what I saw was just unbelievable. There was blood everywhere, on the walls, on the ceiling…It was so surreal.

6 months later Im more fucked up than ever, totally depressed, totally fucked up and find out my fiancĂ©e is cheating on me. We have been together for 13 years, I have nobody left but her and my kids and she goes and does this. What the fuck? Why now? To be perfectly honest it didn’t hurt me really I guess because I was already so hurt so badly, it just made me look at her differently and I will never ever have the respect I did for her.

So here I am, still fucked up, dealing with a whole lot of emotions and anger and shit you never know you had inside of you until something like this happens and then they are released. I never ever knew what it felt like to whole heartedly hate someone. I have been to shrinks and they cant understand this shit not to mention I don’t trust them either. They’re just handing out meds to keep you even more fucked up. I know that the way I view life and everything about it has changed. I have now been diagnosed with PTSD with severe anger issues and homicidal tendencies and am state certified crazy.

Oh there is more..i now am faced with the fact that there may be another person involved, who knows? This other guy that’s in jail may get off..then what do I do? If he is convicted this will definitely be a death penalty case and if found guilty will be executed. He is being charged with 4 counts of capital murder, home invasion, armed robbery and a few others. Who ever thought my life would have come to possibly going to witness an execution. This is some tv type shit from someone else life, this definitely cant be my life..what the fuck happened?

Anyway the whole thing started over an uzi submachine gun my brother had from when he was back in the service. The kid next door decided to rob my brother for the gun one night, and once inside everything went wrong and everyone was killed. Life is so fucked up for me right now, mentally fucked up, no money, lost all my property to foreclosure, in a fucked up no trust relationship. I must admit I miss what little bit of relationship I had but I know deep in my heart I cant trust her. She has lied to me and I must consider her as the rest of my so called family. My real reason staying with her is our kids. I have hit rock bottom. So that’s my deal…sorry this was so long and maybe it was a little venting, feels good to tell someone cause its not like I have many friends anymore. I have a couple of true friends that never left me but the rest just conveniently disappeared maybe because I have become a different person or maybe they are just scared or have thoughts like my family.

I know I have learned a lot of valuable lessons from all of this one being tell whoever you love you love them cause you may not be able to when you decide to. The people that take life for granted have never had it snatched away unnecessarily.

Samwhore
02-11-2007, 09:05 AM
reading suhls post was a tragedy

slipknotpsycho
02-11-2007, 09:05 AM
no i sure haven't, i'm 100% normal and i act just like you're average person...

intrepidus6
02-11-2007, 09:11 AM
I have been through alot. Growing up, I thought it was perfectly normal for husbands to lock their wife outside in the cold, to cuss at them, to shove them down on the floor, and much more. My dad is dead now, but those are the things he did to my mom, and to me to a lesser extent.

I have been through other things as well, but they are things I would rather not share with the world.

trynagethigh
02-11-2007, 09:15 AM
Sam, thank you, i find it very easy to ignore ignorant people these days..they do nothing but show their true intelligence level. which obviously isnt much to worry about.

:)

Samwhore
02-11-2007, 09:16 AM
ill admit, ive had a few suhl-like posts

Skink
02-11-2007, 09:33 AM
I read my horrorscope for the first time a few weeks ago"from a post here BTW"... It read that my life is one trama after another and man is that true!!! I feel like the minute I solved one tragedy the next one rears it's ugly head... I am always battling and never at peace...

slipknotpsycho
02-11-2007, 09:46 AM
I read my horrorscope for the first time a few weeks ago"from a post here BTW"... It read that my life is one trama after another and man is that true!!! I feel like the minute I solved one tragedy the next one rears it's ugly head... I am always battling and never at peace...

sounds like my life... but the bad part is i'm just now begining my life.... =/

Skink
02-11-2007, 09:52 AM
sounds like my life... but the bad part is i'm just now begining my life.... =/

We peeps just need to keep positive I guess... If we dwell on the bad it will end in defeat,,,Keep positive Slip...

slipknotpsycho
02-11-2007, 09:56 AM
i've been keepin it positive, or trying to atleast...

i garuntee you otherwise i woulda flipped out over hearing my brother is moving to TN... but no, i was determined (and still am, one hurdle isn't enough, i wanna make the whole race consistant lol..) to keep calm, and think about it logically....

Skink
02-11-2007, 10:12 AM
Just want to say another thing... there are many things I want to control,,,if your like me you are a control freak to... We can't really control everything and I lose it at that point because now my neat orderly plan won't work... I learned to throw this shit to my higher power...

I know you don't believe in God but,,, believe in something,,,energy,,,mr smiley face,,, anything and lay some shit in thier hands... there is something throwing shit at you ,,,Why not throw it back...

slipknotpsycho
02-11-2007, 10:17 AM
lol skink, finally your name is bolded! now you can wear your crown in all your true glory (you luck bastard ~runs off mumbling...~

yes i'm a control freak, i fucking hate things being out of my control... (isn't it kinda funny i married a control freak too? yet, lol we don't put 'control freak type shit on our baby... but everything else of our life.. WATCH THE FUCK OUT! lmfao!)

i'm slowly learning to let shit go... it's kinda hard at first, but i'm learning...

also, i do believe in something, i just don't believe in 'god'.. mostly the way the bible is... i believe there's a higher power, i mean damnit, you'd be naive to think all this happened for no reason at all... but i just like to sum it up in the name karma...

do to others as you would have them do to you, has never steered me wrong NEVER... the bible, i've read it quite a few times, i just find to many inconsistancies.... i stopped believing in the christain-type god along time ago, but i do beleive there is something up there, watching us.. i do believe there is something there, with a guiding hand that helps us through things..

but i just call it karma. do bad, you will have bad thrown upon you, do good you will be blessed with good.... and by that i've tried to live my life as good as i possiblly can (by good i mean from a moral standpoint, not just what makes me feel good) and i was given my son.. which is a whole nother story... lol)

trynagethigh
02-11-2007, 05:42 PM
Damn Slip, every word you said about yourself fits me to a t. I am in the exact situation with my control freak fiancee. Yes I most definitely am a control freak big time. Im so bad i dont even fly anymore. Its not that i am afraid of flying its two things. The first being Im not flying the plane and its too far out of my control. Secondly, if by some chance someone decides to act a fool on the plane, i WILL be a problem. I live my life in survivor mode at all times and my will to live may kick in a little too early now and things will get way out of control..guess thats another reason i stay away from people.

Yeah im with you on the religion. I definitely believe there is a God but I also believe God lies in you and your heart along with karma. Project good karma to people and the same will come to you. I look at it like this, i dont bother anyone, noone should bother me. All i ask is to be left alone by people. Should you choose to cross the line and pose a threat to me then, well just be prepared to reap the whirlwind.

Ive also noticed that now its like i cant turn my brain off. its constantly going and moving and i have become obsessed with reading and learning new shit about anything and everything. its like somebody opened up a door inside my brain and i cant close it.

Yes i know i am really fucked up and i didnt realize it until i found myself camped out in front of the guys moms house ready to go in and do the same thing he had done to me. I can remember having these flashes of my daughter going through me head and i guess then i took it as a sign from somewhere that I was about to send my daughter through the exact same thing we had just been though and that i just couldnt do. Not to mention i really aint comfortable knowing that my name has flown around in the homocide department as to being a serial murderer.

Anyway i just take it day by day for now and keep my nose clean.

suhl
02-11-2007, 08:40 PM
one time i wanted to wacth a tv show at seven, but when i went to watch it, it turned out that is was actually on at seven easten time. it turned my world upside down. needless to say i am still trying to pick up the pieces and mend this broken dream as best as i know how.

suhl
02-11-2007, 08:47 PM
Sam, thank you, i find it very easy to ignore ignorant people these days..they do nothing but show their true intelligence level. which obviously isnt much to worry about.

:)

shame on you for not taking my tragedy seriously. to me an even that life altering shouldnt be the but of your cruel remarks. you can judge me, and i guess i am ok with it because in the end i know god will judge you:hippy:

aeonblue11
02-11-2007, 09:55 PM
I once saw my grandfathers balls.

Yeah.

That sounds like the worst one so far.

trynagethigh
02-11-2007, 10:25 PM
call it what you will suhl, i dont judge..I call it like I see it, a definite difference in intelligence levels between us two. I am totally intolerable to ignorance and ignorant people, but then again there are always going to be people who feel the need to have to say something just because they want attention..some not, some want to listen and maybe learn something. In the end it all boils down to whether you are comfortable with who you are. If so, live your life your way, just dont bring it around me because the only person your hurting in the end is yourself.

:cool: :cool:

suhl
02-11-2007, 11:28 PM
you just did judge...you said i dont judge, then follwed it up by judging my intelligence. if you dont believe these serious tragedies altered my life then you can go to hell. i really wanted to see that show, it was a new episode of a minute with stan hooper, and that show wasnt on the air very long. when a man is stripped of his freeedom and degraded in the ways that i was his perspective on life changes a little bit. im just trying to learn from the past and trying to us those experiences to survive in this cold unforgiving world. right now im getting by day by day, not one going by without me thinking of when i missed that show. god if only i could turn back the clock and spend that blissful half hour with norm macdonald, but no, i didnt take time zone into consideration. i could be asking, why me? but i know god has a plan for everyone. without that life shaking experience i wouldnt be the man i am today. after that fateful day i had to pull myself up by my own bootstraps and crawl back to start. you cant even fathom what ive been through. i guess you just havent seen the things ive seen, otherwise i think you might understand

higher4hockey
02-11-2007, 11:31 PM
the flyers this season qualifies as a serious tragedy. dead last in the standings.

suhl
02-11-2007, 11:32 PM
you say that because of your low intelligence level. in the end you are only hurting yourself. i guess it just boils down to whether or not you are comfortable with you. it sounds to me like you just wnat attention. well one of these days you will see you really are only hurting you. i think you may need to get in touch with someone...yourself:(

trynagethigh
02-12-2007, 12:24 AM
Like I said suhl, I live my life my way, and you yours. I have no bad karma with anyone, you included. Were just two different people from two different sides of the tracks. If you consider missing a tv show a tragedy, God forbid your house burn down and everyone you know inside dies. What would that be to you?

As far as me wanting attention, definitely not, I have had more attention that I could ever ask for not to mention I have three kids who i get plenty of attention from, wanted or not. And what I said was that some people just want to be heard because they lack attention, hell maybe they just want to hear themselves talk..who the hell knows. If that offended you personally, then i would have to say you need to look at yourself first because it wasnt directed towards you, it was a plain and simple statement with no name attached.

As far as me getting in touch with myself, believe me i have been there and found plenty about me, some good and some bad, its just a shame that the bad has outweighed the good in my life but everyday that changes for me as I become a little bit wiser with every sunset and every sunrise.

:jointsmile:

suhl
02-12-2007, 02:53 AM
i can always get another house or have another kid, a minute with stan hooper will never be back on the air.

crudemood
02-12-2007, 04:20 AM
I want to try to forget it, but even when I think i've totally forgotten it, it comes up sometimes in my dreams... odd.

420marijuana420
02-12-2007, 04:45 AM
Man this is gonna be a long one but here it goes cause you have to understand my life from the beginning. I was raised by my moms and grandmom, dad passed at the age of 6. Didnt have a bad childhood but looking back on it the death of my father really changed me amongst other things. Family was pretty close, was just my mom, grandma, my brother and his wife, my uncle mainly. Anyway, about the age of 12 my uncle gave me a job working in his law office as he was a high profile criminal attorney back in the early 80's. If you have ever seen the movie Casino, the guys in the movie Nicky Santoro and his brother were actually Tony Spilltro and Michael Spillotro, these were his clients and were always at my house for dinner on Sundays. I had no idea who these guys were. I knew they carried guns but didnt really care i guess. While working at the office i was exposed to lots of murder scene photos and all kinds of shit i probably shouldnt have been seeing. Ive seen some very fucked up mob hit crime scene photos.

Later on in life 1991 my gransma dies, this is where the shit starts going downhill for me, I got hooked up with this girl who I eventually started selling coke with. I had 40 bucks to my name and i went into business. In a matter of two years I managed to have three people run my operation, made a huge Columbian connection, and basically take over an entire city area...no ripoffs whatsoever, I just had the best shit you could get.Late 1994 Im going out to the club to meet my Columbian guy and as I am walking down the block to the club a truck comes flying down the block and starts blastin my Columbian guys truck, killing him. 1995 rolls around and theres a drought for everybody but me. Sure enough my phone rings, the guy down the street wants a 1/4 kilo. No problem i tell him. I call my guy and he says hes on the way and my buddy walks down and gives me the money.Now mind the guy i am buying from I have dealt with for about 10 years. An hour later he shows up, I hand him the money, he gives me the bag and hes gone. So I go down the street to make the drop, go inside, and after opening the bag it turns out to be laundry detergent. Now this guy thinks I ripped him off and he wants his loot back, only one thing... I only got 1500 that was my end. Here is where the hostage situation begins. Me and my buddy are now in my buddys basement and this guy wont let me leave. To make a long story short, I call my cousin for the money and he senses something is wrong and calls a friend of his on SWAT. Anyway, SWAT comes and gets all of us and now were in the county. Fuckin judge set my damn bail at half a mil, calls me back in 1/2 hour later and then proceeds to tell me that after looking over my charges and the fact that they had been trying to find me for some time he couldnt let me walk the street for less than 750 grand. So I get bailed out, the charges are dropped due to toxicology negative.

1996 my mom dies.

Now Im living my life looking over my shoulder, dont know if this guys coming around or what. Needless to say i took my money and got out of the game. Well problem number 2. Over the years of selling I had acquired quite an arsenal of weapons. Guns, homemade rocket launchers, all kinds of shit. February 2002 i get a knock at the door, its the police looking for me cause some guns i had came up stolen and they traced it back to me. Needless to say they took all my shit and im off to jail again. Ended up getting a year probation and walking.

Here the last and final blow in life Im dealtâ?¦January 3, 2003 my entire family is found murdered execution style in their home, where I used to live. Included were my brother, my 18 year old niece, her boyfriend and their 2 year old son, my great nephew. When I show up at the scene im immediately taken into custody and to be interrogated for 3 days. Before you know it Im the prime suspect. They searched my house and found some old ammo i didnt even know i had and charged me with that and probation violation, just to keep me longer. So now im more fucked up than I have ever been and im interrogated by every law enforcement agency out. They were pulling out files from the DEA, the ATF ,FBI, you name it. My house where my girl and kids are was under 24 hour surveillence, theres news cameras and all kinds of shit, my kids were totally freaked out. It was pure chaos so I was told.Then to top all of it off while im in there i get a chance to call my good old uncle who is the attorney and him and my cousin have the nerve to ask me if i did it. I couldnt believe what i was hearing. My own family questioning me in this? It was at that moment I didnt know who to trust, more importantly i couldnt trust anyone. I was literally alone and that is a feeling i wish on nobody. To know that you have nobody on your side at a time like this was a double blow to me. At this point I just said fuck it and talking out loud and laughing sorta, I said â??ok God I give up, just keep sending me shit I can take itâ?ť I felt like I was literally losing my mind. And just as I asked for, the shit kept comingâ?¦

Anyway im released on bond again after finally finding my buddy i was with practically the whole weekend and he verified where I was.. Now im home and i feel like a complete stranger in the world. I personally thought I had been killed or somehow transferred into hell. I didnâ??t know anybody anymore. My neighbors didnâ??t speak to me like they used to. Life as I knew it existed no more and had been destroyed and changed forever for me in a matter of seconds. My family is looking at me., im lookin over my shoulder, cause whoever did this is still on the loose with a machine gun they stole, which was why all of this happened to begin with, but ill get to that. My life was coming apart bit by bit to me. Two weeks go by, I didnâ??t sleep but maybe a half hour a day. Didnâ??t come out very much and when I did believe me I was armed to the teeth and was a walking paranoid timebomb. Any way about two weeks later the phone rings and its my brothers best friend who lived next door to my brother. He tells me that his brother was just murdered on his backporch right next door to my brothers house. Here we go all over again. Now im really freaking out. I cant sleep at all cause im thinkin whoever this is, is coming for me..and I donâ??t know who it is and they damn sure gotta know me. I guess this is where the reality sets in that at any given point I may and will have to take someones life if need be and thatâ??s not a feeling that I am comfortable with what so ever. Im so fucked up at this point I got cameras everywhere and aint nobody goin nowhere in or out this door without me seein and hearing them. I was so fucked up I couldnâ??t even go to the funerals..I went to my family wake and that was almost too much for me to withstand.

Over the next couple of days 3 more people are killed and another shot but he lived. A week later the guy who did it is cornered in a nearby motel and blows his brains out. Turns out there was two of them and the one who killed himself turned out to be the 18 year old boy who lived next door to my brother. Another boy was arrested as well and is in jail waiting for trial to start. Thing that really bothers me is that my family did not deserve this, me maybe, I know I destroyed a lot of lives, but them..no way. I also feel guilty because I know that if I was there this would not have happened. I know me and it wouldnâ??t have..Oh and lets not forget the part where I went into the house and what I saw was just unbelievable. There was blood everywhere, on the walls, on the ceilingâ?¦It was so surreal.

6 months later Im more fucked up than ever, totally depressed, totally fucked up and find out my fiancĂ©e is cheating on me. We have been together for 13 years, I have nobody left but her and my kids and she goes and does this. What the fuck? Why now? To be perfectly honest it didnâ??t hurt me really I guess because I was already so hurt so badly, it just made me look at her differently and I will never ever have the respect I did for her.

So here I am, still fucked up, dealing with a whole lot of emotions and anger and shit you never know you had inside of you until something like this happens and then they are released. I never ever knew what it felt like to whole heartedly hate someone. I have been to shrinks and they cant understand this shit not to mention I donâ??t trust them either. Theyâ??re just handing out meds to keep you even more fucked up. I know that the way I view life and everything about it has changed. I have now been diagnosed with PTSD with severe anger issues and homicidal tendencies and am state certified crazy.

Oh there is more..i now am faced with the fact that there may be another person involved, who knows? This other guy thatâ??s in jail may get off..then what do I do? If he is convicted this will definitely be a death penalty case and if found guilty will be executed. He is being charged with 4 counts of capital murder, home invasion, armed robbery and a few others. Who ever thought my life would have come to possibly going to witness an execution. This is some tv type shit from someone else life, this definitely cant be my life..what the fuck happened?

Anyway the whole thing started over an uzi submachine gun my brother had from when he was back in the service. The kid next door decided to rob my brother for the gun one night, and once inside everything went wrong and everyone was killed. Life is so fucked up for me right now, mentally fucked up, no money, lost all my property to foreclosure, in a fucked up no trust relationship. I must admit I miss what little bit of relationship I had but I know deep in my heart I cant trust her. She has lied to me and I must consider her as the rest of my so called family. My real reason staying with her is our kids. I have hit rock bottom. So thatâ??s my dealâ?¦sorry this was so long and maybe it was a little venting, feels good to tell someone cause its not like I have many friends anymore. I have a couple of true friends that never left me but the rest just conveniently disappeared maybe because I have become a different person or maybe they are just scared or have thoughts like my family.

I know I have learned a lot of valuable lessons from all of this one being tell whoever you love you love them cause you may not be able to when you decide to. The people that take life for granted have never had it snatched away unnecessarily.

OMG YOU KNEW NICKY SANTORO? Casino is definetly one of my favorite movies be far. I was just watching it yesterday on TV. I think that would be so cool. I was holding out to join on 4/20 (just so i could say I did) but this is my first post and I couldn't resist. What was he like? It may be more glamorous in the movie but I think that would have been awesome to eat dinner with Nicky Santoro. Sorry to hear about the other things in your life, but i flipped when I read that.

trynagethigh
02-12-2007, 05:27 AM
420 they were just average people to me at the time as i was still young and a little naive to what they were actually into. I do remember my grandma getting hundreds of dollars worth of lottery tickets almost every week and i remember another guy used to always bring us fresh fruit and whatnot. They really liked my grandmas cooking and on the sundays they did come by, believe me we ate. Nicky Santoro was actually just the movie name that was given. The story itself is based off of the Spilotro brothers. I do remember that my uncle fought so badly to get them buried by the catholic church but they never did allow it.

Truth be told ive met a lot of the older wiseguys that were up and coming rising stars back then. Most are dead now or have skated through life and are now either retired or have even moved up on the chain..i dont know personally. Whats really strange is when i watch a&e sometimes i see the stories about these guys and lawyers i knew way back then.

Skink
02-12-2007, 05:33 AM
Yeah,,,the balls are the pitz...

geonagual
02-12-2007, 05:38 AM
I saw my dads balls once too. I wish they would of closed the door to their room when they slept. I wasnt right for years...LOL:)

420marijuana420
02-12-2007, 05:48 AM
420 they were just average people to me at the time as i was still young and a little naive to what they were actually into. I do remember my grandma getting hundreds of dollars worth of lottery tickets almost every week and i remember another guy used to always bring us fresh fruit and whatnot. They really liked my grandmas cooking and on the sundays they did come by, believe me we ate. Nicky Santoro was actually just the movie name that was given. The story itself is based off of the Spilotro brothers. I do remember that my uncle fought so badly to get them buried by the catholic church but they never did allow it.

Truth be told ive met a lot of the older wiseguys that were up and coming rising stars back then. Most are dead now or have skated through life and are now either retired or have even moved up on the chain..i dont know personally. Whats really strange is when i watch a&e sometimes i see the stories about these guys and lawyers i knew way back then.

I didn't know that the real life Robert deniro and Joe Pesci were brothers I thought that they were friends because thats what I remember from the movie. Did your uncle ever comment on how much of that movie he thought was fact and how much was fiction. And what do you think they would say if they were alive to see Casino today?

TresLeches
02-12-2007, 05:48 AM
Saw my mom blowing my dad. I was four, so I asked what she was doing. She said,"Daddy is sick and I am giving him medicine." Needless to say, this experience contributed to my pre-existing reluctance to take medicine.

420marijuana420
02-12-2007, 05:58 AM
for everyone who is making jokes, you shouldn't be. I've seen my dads and grandpa's balls before too, and it's not gonna make your world come crashing down. I dont even know why I feel it's even necessary to say that because I know you're just trying to be funny anyways. There are alot of people who have serious problems and your just amking fun of them.

420marijuana420
02-12-2007, 06:07 AM
for everyone who is making jokes, you shouldn't be. I've seen my dads and grandpa's balls before too, and it's not gonna make your world come crashing down. I dont even know why I feel it's even necessary to say that because I know you're just trying to be funny anyways. There are alot of people who have serious problems and your just amking fun of them.

to follow up on this, suhl, maybe you should try shoving the burger up your ass like on south park, it's not like anymore diarhea (sp) could possible spew from your mouth.

trynagethigh
02-12-2007, 06:50 AM
420 we have never really got into the reality of what actually happened in those casinos but im sure the movie was pretty accurate. Another thing i noticed that the movie never really delved off into was the adult and pornography industry that was controlled by them on Wells Street in Chicago. I can vividly remember stumbling on plenty of the porno magazines in my uncles storage cabinets with the case files. Unfortunately due to the extenuating circumstances that happened in my life my uncle and i do not speak what so ever. I dont need people in my life that dont trust me but call me family.

Skink
02-12-2007, 06:58 AM
for everyone who is making jokes, you shouldn't be. I've seen my dads and grandpa's balls before too, and it's not gonna make your world come crashing down. I dont even know why I feel it's even necessary to say that because I know you're just trying to be funny anyways. There are alot of people who have serious problems and your just amking fun of them.

I understand your feelings here and I respect them... I throw levity all over the place,,,it is just my nature...

I mean no disrespect to anyone in this thread...

geonagual
02-12-2007, 07:03 AM
I understand your feelings here and I respect them... I throw levity all over the place,,,it is just my nature...

I mean no disrespect to anyone in this thread...


me neither...it's all good

trynagethigh
02-12-2007, 07:03 AM
Billion im cool my friend, about the drooling in the rubber room..LOL, i forgot to mention i tried to commit suicide a couple years back and actually did end up in that rubber room for a while.

:jointsmile:

420marijuana420
02-12-2007, 07:17 AM
tryna I would suggest that you try to forgive your uncle and cousin and fiance. I know it's easy to just say that to you from my keyboard, having never experienced a real tragedy in my life (although I'm only 16 and I assume that I have alot of living to do, even though i could stop breathing tomorrow). It's like you said though, by the time you want to get close to someone it might be too late. As far as the murder of you family, I don't see why, as an outsider looking in you have a reasonable reason to feel guilty, it wasn't your fault even though you might think it was. I hope everything works out and over time you'll be able to get over it.

that's all for tonight, see ya guys later.

SmokeyTokey
02-12-2007, 02:51 PM
I served in the Marines for over four years. I made it out to Afghanistan and other nice vacation spots, but I did have something tragic happen to me while I was overseas. I was a part of a training mission and we were firing rockets from shoulder fired rocket launchers. This was my job and I had fired about hundred of these rockets at this point. That night my rocket launcher blew up on my shoulder knocking me out momentarily. I woke up with gas burns all over my face and neck. The corpsmen had to pick pieces of shrapnel out of my face. I was very lucky. Five Marines in previous years had their heads completely removed from their shoulders while firing the same rocket launcher.

I have nightmares about this all the time. I usually have dreams of losing my head, and I often hear the sound of the explosion that I remember from that day.

That experience has profoundly affected my psyche.

geonagual
02-12-2007, 03:15 PM
I served in the Marines for over four years. I made it out to Afghanistan and other nice vacation spots, but I did have something tragic happen to me while I was overseas. I was a part of a training mission and we were firing rockets from shoulder fired rocket launchers. This was my job and I had fired about hundred of these rockets at this point. That night my rocket launcher blew up on my shoulder knocking me out momentarily. I woke up with gas burns all over my face and neck. The corpsmen had to pick pieces of shrapnel out of my face. I was very lucky. Five Marines in previous years had their heads completely removed from their shoulders while firing the same rocket launcher.

I have nightmares about this all the time. I usually have dreams of losing my head, and I often hear the sound of the explosion that I remember from that day.

That experience has profoundly affected my psyche.

Hey Devil Dawg, at least you got mary jane to comfort you now.
What rocket launcher was it? At4, dragon, LAW?

SmokeyTokey
02-12-2007, 03:29 PM
It was an 83mm SMAW, MK-153.

trynagethigh
02-12-2007, 03:29 PM
tryna I would suggest that you try to forgive your uncle and cousin and fiance. I know it's easy to just say that to you from my keyboard, having never experienced a real tragedy in my life (although I'm only 16 and I assume that I have alot of living to do, even though i could stop breathing tomorrow). It's like you said though, by the time you want to get close to someone it might be too late. As far as the murder of you family, I don't see why, as an outsider looking in you have a reasonable reason to feel guilty, it wasn't your fault even though you might think it was. I hope everything works out and over time you'll be able to get over it.

that's all for tonight, see ya guys later.

Hey 420,

You know that thought really did go through my mind but as of yet they have made no effort to apologize to me. Yes I definitely would be the "better man" so to speak but they have to want to be forgiven as well, i feel, and that just aint gonna happen. As far as my fiancee, well thats another story. I hold no more bad feelings towards her about what she did, but, as far as trust and loyalty go, in my heart it just wouldnt be there. She betrayed me at the worst possible time in my life. She knew at that time that she was the only person in my life i could trust, but after that the trust was blown at least as far as on an emotional level. For the most part she just made it even easier for me to move further away from her emotionally.

16 huh? Sounds like you a got a pretty decent head on your shoulders for that age. Keep up whatever you have been doing to get yourself where you are and if theres any valuable info i can give you its stay in school, and more importantly, read. Everyday i see the younger generation and how thing have changed since the old school days. Me, im only 38 but am a much older person both mentally and intellectually than i need to be, but looking at it the majority of my friends are in their early and late 40's and 50's so a lot of that rubs off on me.

As far as me feeling guilty about what happened, my brother and i were two different people altogether as far as our lifestyles, he was the more peaceful person and eventually went on to become a reverend. Me, i was the black sheep of the family, the bad guy if you will. People in the neighborhood liked my brother, me on the other hand they feared. I keep thinking that if i had not have moved out on my own this wouldnt have happened because i would have been there to stop it. My brother had not had the street experiences that I had, he just wasnt a street smart person. He had never had a fight, never had guns stuck in his face, or any shit like that, that was my department. Basically he was just a hippie from the 60's and wanted peace, but me knowing how the streets were, i felt sort of responsible for his protection from that side of life.

Thanks for your words young brotha,

SmokeyTokey
02-12-2007, 03:33 PM
http://img01.picoodle.com/img/img01/7/2/12/t_mk153smawdsm_c997183.jpg (http://www.picoodle.com/view.php?srv=img01&img=/7/2/12/f_mk153smawdsm_c997183.jpg)

geonagual
02-12-2007, 03:35 PM
It was an 83mm SMAW, MK-153.

Never even heard of that shit......
Glad to see that your here and tokin'. Hopefully someday you will not think of it no more. Former infantry Marine here, hope to see you posting. Passing some good rep to you.

trynagethigh
02-12-2007, 03:38 PM
Damn Smokey,

Sorry to hear it bro. Man those war injuries really stick it in and break it off. I have a close buddy who was in Nam and that agent orange has fucked up both his legs. He has had multiple surgeries on both his legs but will never walk right again. I feel ya on the explosions as everytime i hear loud bangs and booms i find myself ducking and flinching. They told me i have PTSD. Funny how time has changed things, we have gone from "shell shock" to post traumatic stress disorder.

Nochowderforyou
02-12-2007, 04:16 PM
I went through something that changed me for life.

9 years ago when I first moved to Canada I got jumped by 3 unknown people that put me in the hospital for 2 days. They crushed in the right side of my face, which in result gave me permanant nerve damage along the right side of my nose, and right upper lip. It's kind of numb still, and it will never go away. It's the same feeling when your arm falls asleep. Kind of the tingly numb feeling.

I had to go into surgery to get my face bone pulled back out. I could only open my mouth maybe half an inch. When I opened it any further, I could feel my face bone hitting against my upper jaw.

Since that day I carry a blade with me, and I won't hesitate for a second to slice someone up in a million pieces if they mess with me. It made me very paranoid for a good year to walk alone at night, and that's where my anxiety started. My temper is even worse now, but I take medication to keep me level.

So yeah, thanks to them I have strong hatred towards human beings. Watching the news and the stupid things people do doesn't help either. When I see or hear of people getting jumped, I wish I could find those people and kill them slowly. They have no need for life on this earth, so I say fuck them. :p

suhl
02-12-2007, 04:21 PM
to follow up on this, suhl, maybe you should try shoving the burger up your ass like on south park, it's not like anymore diarhea (sp) could possible spew from your mouth.

how dare you mock this tragedy. i am not going to judge you. your lower intellect may have been the cause of this cruel and uncalled for remark. this is real tragedy i am talking about. i guess you need to get more secure with you. i mean come on. i dont know if you are trying to have a sense of humor about this or just trying to look like a cool internet hero, but either one is bad. especially the sense of humor. how dare you not get brought down and lose your sense of humor when i discuss my tragic life. your low intelligence level saddens me

trynagethigh
02-12-2007, 04:35 PM
Answer me one thing suhl..what positive retrospect has anyone of your posts offered anyone here? In other words, after reading what others have posted on this thread, what positive anything have you contributed to this? Hell can anybody answer that one for me?

:jointsmile:

suhl
02-12-2007, 10:58 PM
well i was laughing my ass off as i did it, so it did that.:jointsmile:

trynagethigh
02-13-2007, 12:15 AM
You appear to be the only one laughing as you seem to be looking to gain something from your comments. Whatever it is, only you know. What is it you are trying to gain by whatever comments you make? If you come here for jokes and play, seek another thread as when i started this one it was not meant for jokes for kids. Hell, 420 is 16 years old and has the God given common sense to be able to spot unwanted activity in the thread and with that being said I would hope that you are younger than 16 cause if you arent, you just showed everyone here your true intelligence level, and from where i stand it dont look good. Why dont you take the time to read the posts here that others have given about their own situations and you will see for yourself that jokes dont appear to be the subject at hand. Unlike you, some of us post for real reasons, not to get laughs.

trynagethigh
02-13-2007, 01:00 AM
I went through something that changed me for life.

9 years ago when I first moved to Canada I got jumped by 3 unknown people that put me in the hospital for 2 days. They crushed in the right side of my face, which in result gave me permanant nerve damage along the right side of my nose, and right upper lip. It's kind of numb still, and it will never go away. It's the same feeling when your arm falls asleep. Kind of the tingly numb feeling.

I had to go into surgery to get my face bone pulled back out. I could only open my mouth maybe half an inch. When I opened it any further, I could feel my face bone hitting against my upper jaw.

Since that day I carry a blade with me, and I won't hesitate for a second to slice someone up in a million pieces if they mess with me. It made me very paranoid for a good year to walk alone at night, and that's where my anxiety started. My temper is even worse now, but I take medication to keep me level.

So yeah, thanks to them I have strong hatred towards human beings. Watching the news and the stupid things people do doesn't help either. When I see or hear of people getting jumped, I wish I could find those people and kill them slowly. They have no need for life on this earth, so I say fuck them. :p

Nochowder Im truly sorry to hear that happened to you. Nobody has the right to do what was done to you. It seems that those that prey on others obviously have not come up against the right person. I can honestly say that I have never had anyone do any kind of physical damage to me as you have but any pain whether it be mental, physical or what have you is pain that was needlessly inflicted upon you. I feel you on the weapon to protect yourself as I am the same, lord knows i have become an expert on torture and really dimented shit to do to those who deserve it. God willing I will never have to make my presence felt that way but if it comes down to it you gotta do what you got to to keep breathin.

420marijuana420
02-13-2007, 01:08 AM
ya, but what were u supposed to do tryna, just stay at home and never move away? Lots of people move away from home, that's what they're supposed to do. It's not like you would have been able to ALWAYS be there in case something happened. It just happened and it was unfortounate (sp) but it's not like you could have always been there, you would have never done anything, and you probably wouldn't have ever had your kids. If you love them then can you imagine what it would be like without them? It's not like you can do everything at once.

420marijuana420
02-13-2007, 01:46 AM
Hey 420,



16 huh? Sounds like you a got a pretty decent head on your shoulders for that age. Keep up whatever you have been doing to get yourself where you are and if theres any valuable info i can give you its stay in school, and more importantly, read. Everyday i see the younger generation and how thing have changed since the old school days. Me, im only 38 but am a much older person both mentally and intellectually than i need to be, but looking at it the majority of my friends are in their early and late 40's and 50's so a lot of that rubs off on me.


Thanks for your words young brotha,

As far as that goes I don't think my generation is in trouble, I'm sure your parents told you the same thing when you were my age and I'm sure their parents told them the same thing. Even if my generation is in trouble though, I don't care. Not only do I not care, I welcome it because the more people from my generation who don't become educated the less people I'm going to have to compete with when it comes time to make a living, as long as i can get ahead of the majority. Not everyone will always be able to win, someone ALWAYS has to be on the bottom, we know that we'll never have a perfectly well balanced economy because that would be communism and that never works because humans are always looking for edge. For every person who dosn't succeed that's one more person that's going to make me that much more wealthy. So as long as i make sure i get ahead of everyone else im not worried.

tootsie roll
02-13-2007, 04:22 AM
I served in the Marines for over four years. I made it out to Afghanistan and other nice vacation spots, but I did have something tragic happen to me while I was overseas. I was a part of a training mission and we were firing rockets from shoulder fired rocket launchers. This was my job and I had fired about hundred of these rockets at this point. That night my rocket launcher blew up on my shoulder knocking me out momentarily. I woke up with gas burns all over my face and neck. The corpsmen had to pick pieces of shrapnel out of my face. I was very lucky. Five Marines in previous years had their heads completely removed from their shoulders while firing the same rocket launcher.

I have nightmares about this all the time. I usually have dreams of losing my head, and I often hear the sound of the explosion that I remember from that day.

That experience has profoundly affected my psyche.


I'm sad to hear taht. Thank you for protecting us. I;m so glad you are with us and hopefully those nightmares diminish and let you rest. You've been through a lot.:s4: :joint1: :jointsmile:

trynagethigh
02-13-2007, 04:39 AM
420 youre damn sure right about the parents...LOL..thats exactly what my mom said, and now that you mention it your generation will probably say the same..LOL. Times have changed dratically though from the old school days for me. Man when i was really bangin at about 13 if you had a fight with someone, you beat them down, and the next day you were playing football friends again. Nowdays everybody wants to kill everybody and everybody needs a gun. Hell if were gonna have folks running around with guns robbing people and whatnot let just give everybody one and even out the playing field. Im sure if a lot of the people out here doing dirt knew that the person they were going to rob was armed, maybe they would think twice. Then again, maybe not. What happened to the days of just giving somebody a good old fashioned ass kickin by using your fists. These new schoolers are taking the fun out of the shit for us old schoolers...LOL:jointsmile: :jointsmile:

ReUp
02-13-2007, 04:43 AM
My brother went to rehab for his coke addiction when I was 15 or 16 I cant remember and embraced AA to its fullest. Sadly, he no longer is the same man I knew before his addiction and I never talk to him anymore. He used to be my best friend and now he lives 5 minutes away from me and I avoid him because hes so ridiculous with his spirituality/recovery.

420marijuana420
02-13-2007, 04:50 AM
420 youre damn sure right about the parents...LOL..thats exactly what my mom said, and now that you mention it your generation will probably say the same..LOL. Times have changed dratically though from the old school days for me. Man when i was really bangin at about 13 if you had a fight with someone, you beat them down, and the next day you were playing football friends again. Nowdays everybody wants to kill everybody and everybody needs a gun. Hell if were gonna have folks running around with guns robbing people and whatnot let just give everybody one and even out the playing field. Im sure if a lot of the people out here doing dirt knew that the person they were going to rob was armed, maybe they would think twice. Then again, maybe not. What happened to the days of just giving somebody a good old fashioned ass kickin by using your fists. These new schoolers are taking the fun out of the shit for us old schoolers...LOL:jointsmile: :jointsmile:

I remember there was a town out in Utah that required everyone to own a firearm by law and their crime rate dropped alot. I don't know the exact figures but the crime rate definetly dropped a notable amount after that law was passed.

xcrispi
02-13-2007, 05:43 AM
hey trynagethigh ,
i feel for ya man . i too have subjected myself to some crazy shit .
managed to blow myself up 6 yrs. ago . 5 mos. self induced coma 16 mo. hospital stay -n- torture most ppl. can't even imagine bro. i'm 90% 3rd degree . 1-2% 4th. degree - bone exposed -n- stuff .
that that doesn't kill us only makes us stronger
or crazier ???
Peace man
your cuz
crispi

BabyFacedAbortion
02-13-2007, 05:47 AM
I basically put the love of my life (at the time) in jail, and haven't seen or spoken to him since. That's only a small tragedy though.

trynagethigh
02-13-2007, 07:52 AM
hey trynagethigh ,
i feel for ya man . i too have subjected myself to some crazy shit .
managed to blow myself up 6 yrs. ago . 5 mos. self induced coma 16 mo. hospital stay -n- torture most ppl. can't even imagine bro. i'm 90% 3rd degree . 1-2% 4th. degree - bone exposed -n- stuff .
that that doesn't kill us only makes us stronger
or crazier ???
Peace man
your cuz
crispi

My god,:(

What the hell happened bro? Damn man i cant even begin to imagine the pain you had and probably still do. Not to offend you in any way but is that hence your screename? Dude, man...i am like totally lost for words..man fire is like one of my worst fears ever. what the fuck happened? I guess the most important question would be how are you doing now? (i am really sitting here looking stunned..)

trynagethigh
02-13-2007, 07:58 AM
Did he do something to deserve it baby face?

trynagethigh
02-13-2007, 08:53 AM
I remember there was a town out in Utah that required everyone to own a firearm by law and their crime rate dropped alot. I don't know the exact figures but the crime rate definetly dropped a notable amount after that law was passed.

Now thats what i call putting the constitution to good use..lets even out the playing field and see whos who. I need to be on the first thing smokin going to Utah :jointsmile: :jointsmile: :jointsmile:

Thepossumdance
02-13-2007, 09:31 AM
I wasnt even aware that there were 4th degree burns that is aweful... how in gods name did it happen if you dont mind my asking? (my grandfather blew his hand off with a firecracker, and cut off some fingers with a chainsaw on the other hand...) but thats some serious burning

xcrispi
02-13-2007, 05:29 PM
hey trynagethigh ,
Was replacing a fuel pump for a girl . I was in the garage workin on it had the gastank outa the car , had the fuel pump/pick up tube -n- sending unit out -N- in my hand stood up and walked across the piece of carpet i was layin on and static elect. did the rest man .
Yep tryna therefore the Xcrispi bit . lol .
I'm doing great believe it or not . Missing some fingers n toes , deaf from the explosion . But it's all good . I only had a 1 in 10,000 chance for survival and i beat the odds . lol .
Peace all
Xcrispi :S5:

trynagethigh
02-13-2007, 10:51 PM
Man crispi,

I cant tell you how many fuel pumps i have put in dude, i worked for chevy for almost 12 years, and i never even thought about that kind of thing happening. I remember quite a few fires (none my fault..LOL) and believe me i was the first one out the door. Man and just last night i was watching most amazing videos and there was a guy filling a gas can i beleieve in the back of his truck and static electricity set the whole thing on fire and burning him pretty badly. Do you have memory of everything happening, because i know i have blank spots in my memory now where there are points where i cant remember some things. i know i had no recollection of time or date when the cops released me three days later, and even when i walked out their front door i had no idea where i was.

Man after going through all of that i know i would have quit smoking anything and matches and lighters and shit would not exist in my house...in fact i would probably move to alaska and live in a friggin igloo...LOL. My thing with fire is that shits gotta be respected big time. I can remember coming home one evening and as im driving down the block there a house thats on fire and i mean it was going good. The heat was so intense i was across the street and literally had to put my hands in front of my face. I just cant imagine being on fire..man you have really blown me away with this one cuz, and im glad youre still here dude. You will most definitely be in my prayers my friend.

Stowned
02-14-2007, 01:25 AM
At the age of 18, I told my father that I didn't want to involve myself in the sexual culture of this planet and that I wanted to become a Eunuch. After much pleading from him not to, I still went ahead and got a full castration anyways. He then proceeded to commit suicide.

I've had many tragic and traumatic events take place in my life, too many and much too disturbing to post here, this event with my father is just one of the many latest big ones.

I don't suffer much from them though, I take it all in stride. I take comfort in that fact that this world doesnt owe me a damn thing. I accept what I am given. I don't expect happiness and prosperity from this existance.

Shit happens randomly and indiscriminately. You can't let it keep you down. Cry it out, cut your wrists up, smoke ounces to the head and move on to the next tragic event that awaits you.

BGizzle
02-14-2007, 02:03 AM
trynagethigh, that is seriously the saddest story i have ever read. and i thought my life was fucked up. but ill tell you from personal experience, cocaine and guns never lead anywhere good. and if anything good came of your story, its that you made me do alot of reflecting because you obviously have alot more personal experience than me - and that really made me realize alot that i was ignoring before. thanks. anyway, if you ever need a friend man, i dont know you but im here for you. you touched me. i hope you can figure out your life and put the pieces back together. im not religious, but im prayin for you bra.

BG

BGizzle
02-14-2007, 02:16 AM
At the age of 18, I told my father that I didn't want to involve myself in the sexual culture of this planet and that I wanted to become a Eunuch. After much pleading from him not to, I still went ahead and got a full castration anyways.

Not passing judgement on you man, but to me castrating yourself is a tragedy.

Stowned
02-14-2007, 03:57 AM
Not passing judgement on you man, but to me castrating yourself is a tragedy.

No judgment passed at all. It's your opinion and I respect it but I don't agree with it. It is an opinion shared by most people nevertheless.

I once thought like that too, until one day when I had an epiphany and realized the vary purpose of this reality and the way it manipulates itself to serve this purpose. This was enough for me to come to the conclusion that, to be separated from this purpose, is to be free from realities manipulation and thus free to govern my own choices.

I refuse to become another victim of evolutions force.

I would elaborate further but Iâ??m afraid that it would require me to reveal some of my personal doctrines and belief systems, and due to the unique nature of them, It would succeed in revealing my true identity.

xcrispi
02-14-2007, 04:38 AM
Man crispi,

I cant tell you how many fuel pumps i have put in dude, i worked for chevy for almost 12 years, and i never even thought about that kind of thing happening. I remember quite a few fires (none my fault..LOL) and believe me i was the first one out the door. Man and just last night i was watching most amazing videos and there was a guy filling a gas can i beleieve in the back of his truck and static electricity set the whole thing on fire and burning him pretty badly. Do you have memory of everything happening, because i know i have blank spots in my memory now where there are points where i cant remember some things. i know i had no recollection of time or date when the cops released me three days later, and even when i walked out their front door i had no idea where i was.

Man after going through all of that i know i would have quit smoking anything and matches and lighters and shit would not exist in my house...in fact i would probably move to alaska and live in a friggin igloo...LOL. My thing with fire is that shits gotta be respected big time. I can remember coming home one evening and as im driving down the block there a house thats on fire and i mean it was going good. The heat was so intense i was across the street and literally had to put my hands in front of my face. I just cant imagine being on fire..man you have really blown me away with this one cuz, and im glad youre still here dude. You will most definitely be in my prayers my friend.

Hey tryna ,
Me too w/ the past fuel/pmp history man . I've been wrenchin -n- racing since i was 14 . i'm 37 now BTW . I was cold , so the garage door was closed / not enuf ventalation . I knew better too . "Fuk it" bit me in the ass hard bro. lol .

I met a guy in hosp. that was under a ranger w/ tank out doing pump n left ign. turned fwd. shit blew up in his face when he plugged pump back in . I count my blessings .

I remember all of it , no shock here man . flash was like lighting a gas grill too late times 1,000,000 . I act. heard the whoosh coming , I had time to drop pump/sock n tools to cvr. my face . cuncussion buckled the roll up door so bad it wouldn't roll up but 3-4 inches . -n- rubber weatherstrip melted side entry dr. shut . roof was burnt out n knocked out phone , cable , elect lines before i was even out of garage . oxy / actyl regs. melted but tanks never blew , and the actual gastank never exploded . Crispi hid his face n crossed his legs -n- prayed for the best , the guy in the sky was really lookin out man .
6 yrs. -n- $14,000,000 in medical expenses later . Crispis back at the dragstrip , and smoking fat cannons being himself again . And bionic .

Quit smoking ? Are you nutz !!!! I got a med. card outa the deal . lol .
the only phobia i'm left w/ . lol . is when you fill a cars tank up all the way -n- all the vapor comes outa the coal canister . The smell scares the hell outa me man .

God Bless Bro .
Look Fwd. -N- Not Back
Your cuz
Crispi :S5:

SmokeyTokey
02-14-2007, 03:36 PM
I'm sad to hear taht. Thank you for protecting us. I;m so glad you are with us and hopefully those nightmares diminish and let you rest. You've been through a lot.:s4: :joint1: :jointsmile:


Thanks for your words, it means allot. If it wasn't for the PTSD disability diagnosis, I would be in Iraq continuing my service. As strange as it sounds I feel guilty for not being there. Although it is nice being able to toke again:thumbsup:

trynagethigh
02-14-2007, 05:14 PM
Look at it this way Smokey, maybe it was a sign that it was time for you to come home to your family for whatever reason...:) i say dont question it, your higher power takes you where you need to be. As far as Im concerned you have served your country well and deserve to be home, :thumbsup: I as well thank you. This bud is for you..:jointsmile: :jointsmile: :jointsmile:

trynagethigh
02-15-2007, 12:53 PM
Thanks BGizle,

Your thoughts and prayers are most definitly appreciated and needed. W e really have to be grateful for what we have BG as we truly never realize how blessed we are in spite of all of the problems we may have. Much to my disbelief, there are people with worse problems. I was recently at a restaurant that I used to visit everyday and just found out that the one really nice waitress that I know there had a fire at her house a couple of years ago lost all 5 of her kids and her two grandkids to a horrible fire. Needless to say as we talked she broke down in tears and about had me the same way. My heart truly goes out to her. Ive lost plenty but to lose all of your children and grandkids, i think i would have laid there with them and died as well. I truly dont think i would go on without my kids, but i have to keep going for them. Like Xcrispi said, whatever dont kill you only makes you stronger, so i gotta keep stepping.

:jointsmile: :jointsmile: :jointsmile:

Stowned
05-30-2007, 02:45 PM
no but my choices kind of potentiated tragic events, after becomming castrated i lost many things, namely my girlfriend and my father and my highschool sweetheart. lesson learned, girls really like dicks no matter if you have elemental capacities to make them orgasm. ther is no such thing as love, love is a limited and conditional element. its just a pipe dream to fool us all i noticed alot of great discussions here at the cannabis message board

zeebo phillips
05-30-2007, 02:59 PM
So many shitty things have happened to me that I can't even keep track anymore.:wtf:

You guys tell me that I don't seem 15, there's a reason for that. I had to grow up quick.

Life hit me really fast. People tell me that I shouldn't worry or panic as much as I do and to just be a kid. What they don't realize is that after you've reached a certain point in your mind, it's hard to reverse it.

My psych tells me I may be biologically 15, but I've got the mind of someone in their 30s. She also tells me that she's surprised I'm alive, haha. I tell her its because I'm God. ;)

It pisses me off sometimes that I didn't have what every other kid seemed to have, but at the same time I like that. I like that I'm more mature than the kids my age and thats why my friends look to me for advice. It's nice knowing that people can come to me for help. :)

I always tell myself, "Life has got to get worse before it gets better" and I've said it before on the boards. Just remember that there will ALWAYS be someone who has it worse than you.

Stowned
05-30-2007, 03:00 PM
but it is all an illusion to entice people to cling to empty things. i loved my best friend like a brother until i cought him fucking my ex girl while i was still in icu recovering from a severe coma, i suffered a heart attack that paralized my hands i had previosly been a very accomplished classical pianist .... i cannot ever play againnot any more, not ever again as my doctors said my recovery was bleek, i can never play again and music was my whole life, i grew up around elite musicians, i was gonna start a band too and it would have been sweetj was gonna name it ' pride before apology' the only thing i have left is my beloved cult

Reefer Rogue
05-30-2007, 03:02 PM
Being beaten up by 12 chavs when they broke into my friends house. I could've died easily that night. Being hit by a van on a bike, that could've killed me. That was when i was like 11, i don't actually remember. Those moments changed my life, i'll never forget them. The first time i got high is something i'll never forget, cannabis is a part of me now =]

Skink
05-30-2007, 03:51 PM
So many shitty things have happened to me that I can't even keep track anymore.:wtf:

You guys tell me that I don't seem 15, there's a reason for that. I had to grow up quick.

Life hit me really fast. People tell me that I shouldn't worry or panic as much as I do and to just be a kid. What they don't realize is that after you've reached a certain point in your mind, it's hard to reverse it.

My psych tells me I may be biologically 15, but I've got the mind of someone in their 30s. She also tells me that she's surprised I'm alive, haha. I tell her its because I'm God. ;)

It pisses me off sometimes that I didn't have what every other kid seemed to have, but at the same time I like that. I like that I'm more mature than the kids my age and thats why my friends look to me for advice. It's nice knowing that people can come to me for help. :)

I always tell myself, "Life has got to get worse before it gets better" and I've said it before on the boards. Just remember that there will ALWAYS be someone who has it worse than you.

I grew up quicker than my time also,,,I really do miss the time that I never had as a kid... I guess that is why I am a big kid today,,,pretty irresponsible...

try and beat it now and get the kid stuff out,,,I know it's almost impossible as we seem to be destine to live life this way...

zeebo phillips
05-30-2007, 03:53 PM
I grew up quicker than my time also,,,I really do miss the time that I never had as a kid... I guess that is why I am a big kid today,,,pretty irresponsible...

try and beat it now and get the kid stuff out,,,I know it's almost impossible as we seem to be destine to live life this way...

I guess during my absence from the boards I went a little crazy. Maybe that was my kid stuff coming out in a little more serious of ways...

Skink
05-30-2007, 04:03 PM
I guess during my absence from the boards I went a little crazy. Maybe that was my kid stuff coming out in a little more serious of ways...

Crap I don't mean get in trouble,,,I did that too... My school signed an Incorrigible complaint on me,,, I went to court and everything... I was sentence to 6 months in a boys camp in Grove City Pa,,,I never went,,,I ran away from home,,,LoLzzz...

BlAzInIt4:20
05-30-2007, 04:29 PM
My mother died in a car accident driving cross country. Her car crashed in


Witchata(however you spell it), Kansas. It happen almost 4 years ago. My sister was 7 and i

was 15. My little sister was in the car accident and thrown 80 feet from the vehicle. The

drivers face was slammed into the wind shield and had to have re constructive surgery i still

see her to this day. My mother well was throw from the car and had severe head trauma.

Said she died on impact. Before this happen i had a dream of this. two years after the

accident i saw the photos from the accident and my dream was the exact same it was weird.

I was in my room on the computer when my father came in and it looked as if he was mad i

thought i was in trouble.

He starts out telling me theirs been an accident jen and your sister are in the hospital and

im thinking okay and what about mom.. So i ask him he just starts to shake his head and i

just stared at him like dont fuck with me, dont lie... ended up goin crazy ran out into the

woods and walked for hours trying to think of something else. Wow being 15 just speaking

to your mother on the phone, we were moving to the east i was going to fly out cuz i was in

school. This changed my life drastically.. though i miss my mother and wish she was here

everyday. I wouldn't want to go back. iv done alot with myself since shes been gone, i guess

in a way she motivated me to do better..... and i have... but as others were saying lets not

dwell in the past and lets move forward for others its to painful to move backwards and plus

why move backwards when you can move forward...

dark0ne
05-30-2007, 04:34 PM
when i first moved to brockton i had no idea how bad this city was. I was a small town kid in a HUGE new school with lots of new faces. i made freinds with this kid that lived arround the corner from me. we stayed freinds all through highschool even after i moved to the next town. by that time we had already started partying in the graveyard, thats were we met some more people like us, metal heads who like to party. eventualy my buddie started hanging out with this guy we'll call him V, and after a while the 3 of us became real good freinds. so it was only natural that we all took the drug plunge together. sudenly weed and booze wasn't enugh, and we were sneaking off to do coke, and then the pills started. Perks,valume, xanax, k-pins, aderal.....ect. we climed right up the drug ladder, right to the fucking top rungs. I'm sitting in a hotel watching my BEST freind go through 1,200$ worth of rock. I was all messed up on oxycotin, and i just thought it was a fad and it would pass. I tried heroin, and i liked it. after that i thought screw this i need out NOW. i quit cold turkey.... i had no one, my G.F. was gone and i was all alone with my withdrawls. My other 2 freinds kept doing H, and mixing it with rock on a few occations. i had mentaly prepaired myself for one of my freind's dying. they had no intentions of stopping, and they didn't want to listen to me.... i was clean. we drifted apart, and i made new freinds. Through it all V was still my freind, he would call me to take bone crusies at 2 am and i would go. Then one night i was on a bus coming home and he text me. he wanted to hang out, i couldn't get to his house, cause it was on the other side of town... in retrospect i would have walked there if i knew.... they found him the next day dead. he was trying to quit and was 3 weeks out. He was like a brother to me, we had so many good times. now i go and visit his grave, smoke a blunt and listen to music. he was a great influence on my life musicly he showed me stuff i would never had found.

Rest in peace. Vin, i'll se ya on the other side bro.

BlAzInIt4:20
05-30-2007, 04:38 PM
So many shitty things have happened to me that I can't even keep track anymore.:wtf:

You guys tell me that I don't seem 15, there's a reason for that. I had to grow up quick.

Life hit me really fast. People tell me that I shouldn't worry or panic as much as I do and to just be a kid. What they don't realize is that after you've reached a certain point in your mind, it's hard to reverse it.

My psych tells me I may be biologically 15, but I've got the mind of someone in their 30s. She also tells me that she's surprised I'm alive, haha. I tell her its because I'm God. ;)

It pisses me off sometimes that I didn't have what every other kid seemed to have, but at the same time I like that. I like that I'm more mature than the kids my age and thats why my friends look to me for advice. It's nice knowing that people can come to me for help. :)

I always tell myself, "Life has got to get worse before it gets better" and I've said it before on the boards. Just remember that there will ALWAYS be someone who has it worse than you.


I know how you feel... iv been told the same thing by my shrinks, people, friends. Its just about living life faster then others. more experiences then others. But the real challenge is being able hold your head high after living in so much at such a young age. im 18, and have lived all over the states. Traveled everywhere. Mother was a hippie father was a drug dealer. went to 6 differnt high schools in different states my freshman year. droped out went back 2 years later... So like i was saying its just how you look at your life. I look at mine as if im learning a different lesson everyday, a lesson to make me stronger so when something terrible comes up again i will be able to manage. Iv only met a couple people that have lived like me and im glad to have met another.. we should talk lol:thumbsup:

Skink
05-30-2007, 04:38 PM
Shit happens for a reason is what I always say...

zeebo phillips
05-30-2007, 05:36 PM
I know how you feel... iv been told the same thing by my shrinks, people, friends. Its just about living life faster then others. more experiences then others. But the real challenge is being able hold your head high after living in so much at such a young age. im 18, and have lived all over the states. Traveled everywhere. Mother was a hippie father was a drug dealer. went to 6 differnt high schools in different states my freshman year. droped out went back 2 years later... So like i was saying its just how you look at your life. I look at mine as if im learning a different lesson everyday, a lesson to make me stronger so when something terrible comes up again i will be able to manage. Iv only met a couple people that have lived like me and im glad to have met another.. we should talk lol:thumbsup:

We definitely should. :)

halfassedjediknight
05-30-2007, 08:32 PM
ive had a lot of tragic cases that kinda made me who i am today, mainly for the better rather than worse.

when my dad died i started to appreciate everything more. i learned not to take so many things for granted. i appreciate everything tenfold now..i would kill for the green tea i am drinking right now.

in high school i was in a school shooting and saw my friend get shot in the hand and a narc get shot in the back. it freaked me out, and i was paranoid the rest of that year. now i know that it doesnt matter who it is, but what does matter is what they are capable of. and mostly anyone is capable of almost anything, so i look into things more, be it people or events, places, whatever. i try to understand as much as i can so i can predict as much as i can. just in case.

also in high school i was mugged walking home from a party. me and a girlfriend got in a heated argument. i remember i was so mad that i broke this awesome brand new bowl for my zong she got me for my birthday. then i continued walking home and this dark suv pulls up on the side of the road next to me. some guy hopped out and yelled gimme the wallet! i didnt say anything..i just went for it and then kinda chuckled and said "theres no money or anything..just my id and social" he sucker punched me way hard in the temple, threw my id and social security card at me and took off with my empty wallet. i didnt understand?

lots of pretty freaky things have happened to me. i always learn a lesson.

Greenport
05-30-2007, 09:18 PM
friends brain tumor killed him, he was only 16
friend was shot in his own home for 2 lbs of weed
parents divorce
I got some more but there personal and I really cant talk about them...ever.

rebgirl420
05-30-2007, 09:22 PM
I got cancer at age 13, it was stage 3 hodgekins lymphoma. It saved me from being locked up for any longer after I got sent away for the second time i tried to shoot up the school. THEN I had to go to the mental hospital for a while to get on meds for my bipolar and schizo...but all that made me who I am today and I think cancer actually saved my life. It put my priorities in order and I haven't been in trouble with the law since :thumbsup: