Some help please.

[Nation_1ne]

Hey all, as some of you know I enjoy writing. But as I expressed in another thread my writing skills aren't all that great. The thing is, I have just written a short story and was wondering if you guys think it's any good. I'm open to any criticism, even if you feel the need to express how shit it is lol. So please, read it, and be honest.

A couple sat together one night sharing thoughts. They had spoken about dreams quite attentively, the women had explained to her lover how she often dreams about him.

Her eyes drift over to the floor, as she sighs and begins to stare. As subtle as it was the man could see something was obviously wrong. He sits with curiosity overwhelming him, reciting the same question "what could it be?". After a few minutes pass the man grows tired of the silence and nothing but the sound of his stomach churning. He asks "What is it, Why do you sit so silently?". A sad expression takes over her face, although happy being noticed. She brings her eyes up to her lovers, and they lock together intimately staring into each others souls. She plucks up the courage to ask the man a question, "Why is it you never dream she asks? I cannot understand. It just makes no sense, everybody dreams!". He laughs a little. "Well I'm glad you find this funny, because I find it ridiculous. " The man's laughter turns to an awkward silence as he continues to look deeply at his partner. He explains "dreams are an escape from reality, they are meant to be in a world where you are better off. Where you have love, intimacy, security, and no fears. I used to dream. Actually, i used to dream a lot. Mainly about finding my soul mate. But they stopped the day that I met you."


Thanks.

[AR15]

Umm, I don't know but I think in the second sentence, "attentively" might not be the word to use. I usually associate that with listening and not speaking. Maybe "passionately"? I don't know, it's your writing not mine so it's your choice. Good luck.

Oh and nice story btw.

[Nation_1ne]

Umm, I don't know but I think in the second sentence, "attentively" might not be the word to use. I usually associate that with listening and not speaking. Maybe "passionately"? I don't know, it's your writing not mine so it's your choice. Good luck.

Oh and nice story btw.

Thanks for the input, much appreciated. I think you could be right about the "attentively" thing.

I'm glad the story is "nice", I just hope you're being honest lol.

Anymore advice would be greatly appreciated.

[4gan2ja0]

a good read man, well written

[Nation_1ne]

a good read man, well written

Thank you!

[geonagual]

It was good. But I think the scene could of been set a little better, if you get what I am saying.:)

[Nation_1ne]

It was good. But I think the scene could of been set a little better, if you get what I am saying.:)

Yeah I understand. I could try explaining the mood a bit more I guess. I just didn't want to make it too long since it's harder. Plus it's better as a short read.

[JaggedEdge]

Hey all, as some of you know I enjoy writing. But as I expressed in another thread my writing skills aren't all that great. The thing is, I have just written a short story and was wondering if you guys think it's any good. I'm open to any criticism, even if you feel the need to express how shit it is lol. So please, read it, and be honest.

A couple sat together one night sharing thoughts. They had spoken about dreams quite attentively, the women had explained to her lover how she often dreams about him.

Her eyes drift over to the floor, as she sighs and begins to stare. As subtle as it was, the man could see something was obviously wrong. He sits with curiosity overwhelming him, reciting the same question "what could it be?". After a few minutes pass the man grows tired of the silence and nothing but the sound of his stomach churning. He asks, "What is it, Why do you sit so silently?". A sad expression takes over her face, although happy being noticed. She brings her eyes up to her lovers, and they lock together, intimately staring into each others souls. She plucks up the courage to ask the man a question, "Why is it you never dream she asks? I cannot understand. It just makes no sense, everybody dreams!". He laughs a little. "Well I'm glad you find this funny, because I find it ridiculous. " The man's laughter turns to an awkward silence as he continues to look deeply at his partner. He explains "dreams are an escape from reality, they are meant to be in a world where you are better off. Where you have love, intimacy, security, and no fears. I used to dream. Actually, i used to dream a lot. Mainly about finding my soul mate. But they stopped the day that I met you."


Thanks.

Please do not get offended by anything I say, I'm a firm believer in contructive critisim. The things that have been changed to red (if it works for quotes.) are things I don't really like with this story.

1. Pay attention to what tense you want to write in. I notice you have a bad habit of fluxuating between past and present.

2. Show don't tell. Rather than starting the story off with "A couple sat together sharing thoughts," maybe write, She held his hand in hers as they often did while discussing their dreams and ambitions.

3. I also wouldn't start with "a couple," you need to know both of them on a personal level. You need something in the first paragraph to draw the reader into your tale. A strong opening paragraph is a most.

4. Women = Woman - proof reading should take care of mistakes like that in the future.

5. "Her eyes drift over to the floor, as she sighs and begins to stare." You are telling us the same thing twice. It would be better as, " She sighs as her eyes drift over the floor" or something similar. "Begins to stare says the same thing as her eyes drifting to the floor.

6. "As subtle as it was the man could see something was obviously wrong." It seems to read better with a word like "Despite" beginning the sentence.

7. "After a few minutes pass the man grows tired of the silence and nothing but the sound of his stomach churning" Perhaps, try "After a few minutes of silence, the man grows tired of listening to his stomach churn."

8. "A sad expression takes over her face, although happy being noticed." This does not sound right at all. I think "although happy being noticed" may be a clause. "A sad expression crosses her face, yet a tinge (sp) of happiness remains visible in her eyes."


After that you seem to find a rythem and don't see anything negative except for a few grammatical errors.


Now some extra tips before you write anything else. I wouldn't really consider this a story. There needs to be more in order to be considered a story. You need a plot, rising action, climax, etc.

The dialouge was well done, good job.

You have a lot of work to do. The best way to get better is to read A LOT and write every day. Keep a journal with your ideas, conversations you overhear or anything that seems interessting to you at the moment.

I'm not good at writng fiction either. I tend to enjoy writing poetry, research papers, and argumentative essay's.

You need a lot of work, but don't let that discourage you.

If you would like further help, you may want to check out Zoetrope Virtual Studio Home (http://www.zoetrope.com)

There are a lot of published writers on that site and it would be a great place for you to read other peoples works. You are also required to review so many stories before you are allowed to post more of your own.

I apologize for the way I formatted everything, it is very hard to organize things in a forum like this.

[AR15]

Thanks for the input, much appreciated. I think you could be right about the "attentively" thing.

I'm glad the story is "nice", I just hope you're being honest lol.

Anymore advice would be greatly appreciated.

Well I didn't really want to try and give a lot of input as writing is not really my expertise (sp?). The input I did give you though was just the thing that I noticed. I'd rather leave it for people who could give you much better input, like JaggedEdge.

And as for the "nice" part. Well I gave you the input, but forgot to tell you I liked the story. I had to leave so I decided to edit real quick and throw it in.

But yeah, I really liked it as it was short but sweet. I like how it ends, most things I end up reading don't have such an ending like that where a character says something that shows how much their relationship means to them. It's kind of like your ending sparks a feeling that we, as real people might rarely experience in real life. I don't know if that makes sense, but it seems like the best way to say it.

Anyways, keep writing. And I'd be happy to read more.

[MastaChronic]

good read man
i liked it, i have no input seeing as how jagged pretty much covered it all
i didnt really punctuate my story, but if you wanna read it for the content that would be great
digging up memories - 420 Lounge (http://420.marijuana.com/showthread.php?t=46680)

[Nation_1ne]

Thank you for the input guys I'll definitely do some more work on it and re post it another time.