End of the World (poem i wrote)

[blazed620]

K...most ppl didn't like my "half-assed" rap i wrote. SO here's a poem i wrote, prolly a year ago. Read it and tell me what you think of it. I know its not perfect, so your feedback is appreciated

Its the end of the world as we know it
Earth is getting older, and it's starting to show it
The wear and the tear, showing everywhere
Some people worry, others don't care

Were killing each other, and then sending more
President says...." We're winning the war"
2001 is the time we did enter..
But since then, more soldiers died than in the trade center

Showing its revenge, a tsunami does come
Totaling South-Asia, practically killing everyone
280,000 dead, covering 12 countries in all
But mother nature wasn't finished, as we started to fall

North America is the one with tornadoes and such
But as if destruction of the Mid-West wasn't enough
Off the east coast It's hurricane season
Killing hundreds, maybe thousands, for no apparent reason

Destruction of the Earth is definitely evident
Killing people is no problem, for our U.S. president
Sending soldiers to war, is like a life we do wager
Saving lives would be easy, if we could just predict mother nature

But, it's the end of the world as we know it
Earth is getting older, and it's starting to show it
The wear and the tear, showing everywhere
Some people worry, but others don't care

[Samwhore]

nice nice, i sorta wrote one like that....

Its the devils time to play



They feed on the realm of lies
I feed on the carcass of truth

I walk amoung the hopeless souls
While the world spirals into black,
They walk toward the light, the holy way
The think its the only way,
While I unleash the dark passion that shuns the light
It's the devils time to play.

They drop to their knees, look upward, pray for salvation
I welcome the vile vermon, and look down, pray for damnation
Its the devils time to play

I sit back and watch
While satan has his way
I want to play
Its my turn
To rid the earth of those who are unworthy...

We call them believers

Who will you play with?

[blazed620]

yeah that was pretty tight...but what does everyone think about mine?

[TokinAsianGuy]

Post your poems in this thread, so they're not so scattered everywhere.

http://boards.cannabis.com/showthread.php?t=94281

you're poem is okay. but i think you're spelling things out too much. it's just like rhyming sentences, ya know?

[Cassiopiea]

Not bad, as a tip for the future NEVER invert your syntax, it makes you seem hackneyed. Apart from that it was ok.

[Polymirize]

well, it rhymes, if you're into that sort of thing. There's not too much in the way of expressive language.

Also, I've now got the REM song stuck firmly in my head. Maybe you should consider altering your opening line, just so it doesn't immediately make people think you lifted it from someone else.

[420izzle]

Yep...REM in me head too...
use more vivid language...show me...don't tell me.

[madeline]

...And I feel fine...



fine


fine

[LIP]

K...most ppl didn't like my "half-assed" rap i wrote. SO here's a poem i wrote, prolly a year ago. Read it and tell me what you think of it. I know its not perfect, so your feedback is appreciated

Its the end of the world as we know it
Earth is getting older, and it's starting to show it
The wear and the tear, showing everywhere
Some people worry, others don't care

Were killing each other, and then sending more
President says...." We're winning the war"
2001 is the time we did enter..
But since then, more soldiers died than in the trade center

Showing its revenge, a tsunami does come
Totaling South-Asia, practically killing everyone
280,000 dead, covering 12 countries in all
But mother nature wasn't finished, as we started to fall

North America is the one with tornadoes and such
But as if destruction of the Mid-West wasn't enough
Off the east coast It's hurricane season
Killing hundreds, maybe thousands, for no apparent reason

Destruction of the Earth is definitely evident
Killing people is no problem, for our U.S. president
Sending soldiers to war, is like a life we do wager
Saving lives would be easy, if we could just predict mother nature

But, it's the end of the world as we know it
Earth is getting older, and it's starting to show it
The wear and the tear, showing everywhere
Some people worry, but others don't care

I actually think thats very good, and very true. :D