not as crazy about sex as I am?

[MarzVooolta]

Ive been in a longterm relationship with this girl and its pretty serious. If I continue on the path were going on I will prolly end up marrying this girl. We get along in all parts of life and we both have similar career goals and passions. We know were comfortable living with each other for a long time to come...

This girl grew up in a very closeminded, catholic ,overprotected household and pretty much had "sex is bad" jammed down her throat for as long as she can rememeber. So as you prolly already guessed it she isnt very open to sex. She says she wants to experiment and that she likes sex but she feels really awkward and doesnt know how to handle it. Ive tried handling this situation delicately but its really frustrating. Im very into sex and have a hard time explaining this to her to the level that I feel about it. Part of me wants to hold back about sharing things and "showing" her things because Im scared it might completely turn her off. How can I reverse what shes been taught her whole life.

Any girls go through this situation or know someone in this? guys and girls how would you handle it? (please dont post if your going to put some dumbass coment down) Sex is important to me but not so much that it would ruin the bond I have with this girl.

P.S ive had a human sexuality coarse and one thing that I rember about this situation is that some girls dont get turned on or have a good time until there married . From all the teachings there parents gave them

[slipknotpsycho]

my wife 'isn't a sexual person' (in her own words) and i'm not exactly what you'd call a 'sexual beast' either.... these types of things are the types of things that have, HAVE to happen from the other end.... as far as you can really go is expressing what you feel, and the other end has to take it the rest of the way.. if that really makes any sense to you (if it doesn't, basicly you can't force someone to be 'sexual' or do 'sexual' things, you can only show them or convince them how much you like said thing, and they have to make up their mind to do it or not..) if you try to force 'anything' you're only going to push her (or him however the case may be) farther away.. you're going to show them everything you don't want them thinking about you, and show them nothing of what you actually want them to see of you... all i can say, is invest emotion into it, tell them how you feel, get drunk, get high, do whatever it takes, as long as you release the emotion to them in a civilized (not abusive/beating) nature and to ultimately realize, if they really don't want to do whatever you want them to do, they won't... you can't make anyone do anything... all you can do is inform them how you feel and hope they make the 'right' decision (right meaning the decision you want them to make... not nessicarily there being a right or wrong decision in this or any matter)

[someuser]

Well, if you have the money go see a sex therapist. On the cheap, you can try to turn her onto the idea of renting and watching adult films together... Let her pick out what she is comfortable with and they try and reenact it in real-life... That, or have her WRITE down her fantasies if she feels uncomfortable talking about it... There are a lot of things you can do... Another one is, if you're not in good shape, go to the gym and get toned up... Some girls can be into your personality and money but not your looks and the sex suffers...

[B.Basher]

My older brother went out with a hardcore Christian for a year and a half. They were really really close but could never have sex. He never tried to convince her simply because he's a good guy and knows she's a bible basher. In the end, their indifferences (her religious hogwash and his free spirit) clashed too many times and they went through a very painful breakup (although mostly for my bro).

At the risk of sounding pessimistic or cynical, if this girl is bent on holding on to those beliefs then I believe it's a lost cause. A narrow minded partner will only cause you grief in the long run. If however she assures you she's willing to be turned then I would just be patient and give it time. It sounds like your pretty close and if that's the case, these things unfold naturally. Give her a lot of space when your getting physical and don't try to charge in there like a horny bastard. You've gotta give her time to get over her hangups and as long as it takes, it'll be worth it in the long run.

I wouldn't recommend taking any drugs beforehand (particularly weed). That's definitely the wrong way to go about this.

EDIT: Also, if it's any help. I was pretty hung up about sex when I got with my girlfriend two years ago. I was nervous and hesitant simply because I didn't know very much about it and didn't feel those emotions. She waited patiently for me for 6 months before we took it one step at a time. Now, without going into too much detail, it's aaalll good. It's just time man.

[friendowl]

she is an undercover freak [all womer are]
if you kiss good and have a swet touch
that catholic girl will be screaming gods name so loud
that the big man upstairs will hear for sure

dont be fooled by words
like scarface says
"the eyes never lie"

if not just buy her some cisco

[MastaChronic]

dude, i cant help you to get her more open minded about fucking, you have to figure that out on your own. every girl is different, but.....once you get her switched on its going to be great for you.

[dutch.lover]

Ive been in a longterm relationship with this girl and its pretty serious. If I continue on the path were going on I will prolly end up marrying this girl. We get along in all parts of life and we both have similar career goals and passions. We know were comfortable living with each other for a long time to come...

This girl grew up in a very closeminded, catholic ,overprotected household and pretty much had "sex is bad" jammed down her throat for as long as she can rememeber. So as you prolly already guessed it she isnt very open to sex. She says she wants to experiment and that she likes sex but she feels really awkward and doesnt know how to handle it. Ive tried handling this situation delicately but its really frustrating. Im very into sex and have a hard time explaining this to her to the level that I feel about it. Part of me wants to hold back about sharing things and "showing" her things because Im scared it might completely turn her off. How can I reverse what shes been taught her whole life.

Any girls go through this situation or know someone in this? guys and girls how would you handle it? (please dont post if your going to put some dumbass coment down) Sex is important to me but not so much that it would ruin the bond I have with this girl.

P.S ive had a human sexuality coarse and one thing that I rember about this situation is that some girls dont get turned on or have a good time until there married . From all the teachings there parents gave them

Hey, this is a tough situation but I think I know of someone who can help you out. If you know who Sue Johanson is (talk sex with sue, sunday night sex show) she has a website where you can email in questions, and they get answered by the webmaster of the site. I go on that site everyday and learn a lot because of it, i am sure the guy could help you out or at the very least recommend some books for you and her to check out regarding this subject. here's the link http://www.talksexwithsue.com/forum/index.html

i am sure this will help, definitely check it out.

I would personally recommend the book SEX FOR ONE by Betty Dodson. It's largely about masturbation (as that is what trains women to be good at sex and comfortable with it, and their bodies), but it is really about this woman's travels giving workshops to women who are sexually repressed. It talks about opening them up, and discusses their fears and whatnot. I have read it, but I think someone who is a little scared about sex would benefit from it far more than I did. It's a great book.

[dutch.lover]

[quote=someuser]renting and watching adult films together... Let her pick out what she is comfortable with and they try and reenact it in real-life...

This is a great idea, but if she isn't really comfortable with the regular porn (not many women are), try these videos called Better Sex videos, by the Sinclair Intimacy Institute. They are instructional videos, but they are really hot nonetheless and would give you guys great ideas of things to try.

[someuser]

...try these videos called Better Sex videos, by the Sinclair Intimacy Institute. They are instructional videos, but they are really hot nonetheless and would give you guys great ideas of things to try.

Somehow I think I would proably find those movies boring ;)

No offence :)

But you're probably right. :stoned:

[dutch.lover]

No offense taken- i haven't actually watched these videos so i dunno if they're boring or not. I do know that they are commonly recommended for this situation though, and the "preferred" porn for women. These videos, and the movie Pirates, are two porn movies that women enjoy the most apparently. This info comes from a study/test done on talk sex with sue's website.

[graph]

(please dont post if your going to put some dumbass coment down)


You're not going to marry her, and you can't change a girl. It has nothing to do with human sexuality, she doesn't want something you do. It's just as much a problem for her as it is for you, and you'll either resolve your problems through adult conversation or you won't. That's life, deal with it. There's your dumbass comment for the day.

I'm not trying to be an asshole, just telling you from experience.

[Skink]

Listen to friendowl,,,U better be good in bed cause she is gonna do a 360...

[hewhispers]

I agree with B.Basher.

If you cant get her to play the way you like and it is important to you, you have to move on. Or you will be wasting time and resenting or cheating and why go there?

Talk to her. Ask her to try some of the stuff that you like.
See if she will do it for you.

If not, you need to go or give up the kinky shit.
Its hard giving up the kinky shit.

[greendove]

P.S ive had a human sexuality coarse and one thing that I rember about this situation is that some girls dont get turned on or have a good time until there married . From all the teachings there parents gave them

Your teacher was right. When I was first experimenting sexually, it was my religion that held me back, and ended up making me lose a few great guys by my own sex vs. religion drama. Folks are raised being told that sex is bad, especially in a religious community, and especially women. It's part of that whole stud/whore double-standard. It might be a religious guilt issue.

You sound very serious about this girl, talking about marriage. If you want to marry her despite her sexual awkwardness, then be warned that it might not ever go away. However, if it's completely religiously based, chances are good that she'll feel a lot more comfortable with sex once it's considered completely acceptable and "okay".

[birdgirl73]

I've been following this thread since it was created, and I think the ones who're saying it might be wise to move on are probably giving you good advice. That sex-is-bad religious programming is heavy stuff, and while marriage can help women with those attitudes feel less guilty and slightly more comfortable, it doesn't entirely take away that programming. It would take some serious therapy, and even then that's no guarantee. The other thing is the fact that if something's a problem during the courtship, it tends to be an even worse problem after marriage. Sad but true: marriage often magnifies problems.

This situation interests me because I have had a friend for many years, Julie, who was raised in a very religious home by a very old-fashioned grandmother, who gave her all the sex-is-bad programming, Julie's still very religious herself and is married to Todd, who is the nicest guy in the world. They didn't have a good sex life when they were still dating, which I've heard them both mention, but after they got married, it got even worse. Todd must be the most frustrated man in the world because Julie now completely refuses to have sex because she's so uncomfortable with it. They sometimes go for up to two years without having sex. That's nuts--and it's sad. I wouldn't want you to find yourself in a situation like that. I know Todd regrets that he is. He's told my husband it's a miserable thing to be married to someone with attitudes like that.

[greendove]

Yeowch... sounds like Julie's got issues above and beyond religious programming. I feel for your friend Todd.

[birdgirl73]

She definitely does have some issues. Major intimacy issues of all kinds. And seriously, her grandmother used to give this advice for if she ever had sexual thoughts or feelings: "Honey, just cross your legs and think of Jesus." Puh-leaze. Yeah, I feel very sorry for Todd. He's miserable. So is she, actually. And the worst thing is they have two kids (the most sex they ever had was when they were trying to get pregnant), and the older one, their daughter, is turning out to have very similar attitudes to her mother. Breaks my heart.

[dutch.lover]

Birdgirl, I think I am going to go out on a limb here and respectfully disagree with you. Marzvoolta's girlfriend has expressed an interest in sex, and has apparently even mentioned that she has been willing to experiment. If she is sincere in these comments, their sex life has a lot of hope. Communication is everything, and if she is willing to talk about sex with him, and share her feelings about it, I don't think their sex life is doomed. I also acknowledge how severe her upbringing was, and how that can affect a relationship, but I think in this case she has also acknowledged this, and is willing to work past it. Maybe I am just too hopeful in this situation, IDK, but it is better than getting out of a relationship when it has a chance of recovering after all.

[birdgirl73]

I hope you're right, and I'm glad you said what you did because I may indeed be viewing the situation through glasses that are tinted because of my familiarity with my troubled friends Julie and Todd. Let's hope in this case it's not as bad a situation as theirs! It's always a pleasure to have someone smart and kind help me see I might have a slanted view of something, and I'm a person who regularly needs folks to disagree with me so I get perspective-checks!

[MarzVooolta]

I really appreciate all the responses and advice that everyone has given. It really means alot to me that even without knowing me this community on the whole seems very intent on helping people. thats fantastic

I think im going to go with a trial and error type of system to see where that leads me. The porn idea couple with communication seems like a good way to start possibly. Even a therapist doesnt seem to out of reach

Birdgirl, that story breaks my heart. I think its disgusting that Julie was given a point of view similar to my girlfriends without the ability to question it because of it being taught at such an early age. I feel like there is a lot of hope in my case, we love each other greatly and its something we both really want to work on. Ill let everyone know of the progress

[dutch.lover]

i think it is so sad that so many people (mainly women) are raised to think sex is such a horrible thing. i could go on and on about this, but really all that needs to be said is that it's sad, and a lot of problems (and divorces) could be avoided in society if everyone had real knowledge about sex, and an unbiased view of it.

ps: that book I mentioned before, Sex for One, would be super beneficial in your case, I am sure of it. It's a really interesting read just for the woman's stories alone, but the discussions of sex-repressed women are totally...eye-opening and special.

[greendove]

I don't know anything about the book in question, but I feel that she might be more comfortable sexually if she gave it a little "me" time. It's my guess that she probably hasn't experienced a whole lot in the way of masturbation. One of the best ways to figure out what you like sexually is to figure it out for yourself, get comfortable with sexuality and what your body does on your own, and then share those discoveries once she feels comfortable with them on her own. That way, there's no intimidation, there's no pressure. If she's comfortable with her sexuality when alone, she'll probably be a lot more comfortable sharing that sexuality with someone else.

Girls are raised not to masturbate, while boys are raised being told it's normal. I think it might be a helpful thing to encourage.

[dutch.lover]

^^^Exactly. That's what the book talks about. It talks about the stigma masturbation has with women; and the last chapter is all about "how" to masturbate, tips, etc. The stories of women whose sex lives have been 'saved' by masturbation are invaluable.

[OniEhtRedrum781]

I love sex and my gf loves sex, so I think I lucked out in that department

[mackSwell]

Okay... My two cents. And I'm a therapist, so it might be a nickel. *wink*

I say ignore the people who are telling you to give up... If that time comes, you will know it!

And scrap the idea of adult videos. If she is inhibited about sex, they will probably just make it worse!

You said that everything else is good. And clearly you and your ladyfair have the emotional intimacy to be able to talk about this. The two of you can work this out. (That's not a guarantee that you will, but it can be done.)

Seeing a therapist would be the best thing, but in lieu of that...

Begin by explaining to her that a healthy sex life is an important part of your way of expressing your love for her. Tell her that you love her, and that you want to find a way to work through the differences the two of you have in this area, because it is important to your relationship. Be clearr that "working this out" does NOT mean that she must come up to your sexual interest level... But that the two of you find a path together.

Your girlfriend needs to be comfortable with her body before she can be comfortable with sex. This is something she has to come to in her own time, but you can help. Set yourself a timetable - say, 6 months. During this time, drop all pressure about sex with her. Even the subtle sighs when you have to go unsatisfied. Concentrate on boosting her self-esteem. Every day, find something to say to her that compliments her. Sometimes it can be physical... But try to refrain from making it overtly sexual. Maybe she has beautiful hands or eyes. Maybe her new haircut shows her lovely neck. She needs to hear these things. And she needs to hear the things you love about her that have nothing to do with sex. Commit to complimenting her in some way every day, without any intention to try to escalate it into sex. This will go a long way toward helping her feel loved, appreciated, safe, and accepted by you.

When you are a month or two in to this committment, let her know that you are going to let her set the pace in regards to your physical relationship. Tell her that you are taking sex completely off the table for X amount of time. Once she knows that you intend NOT to have sex with her, the pressure will be off, and she may be able to open up to physical expression at her own pace.

Talk together about ways you can be physical without intercourse or oral sex for awhile. Make some sensual but not sexual suggestions:

Would she like you to draw her a bubble bath (add rose petals, candles, champagne)? Once she is in the tub, comfortably covered with bubbles, you could sit beside the tub and wash her hair, her back, or shave her legs for her. Leave before she is ready to get out to let her know that her sense of privacy is respected.

Ask if she'd be comfortable with massage... If so, have the bedroom ready -candles, music, and a massage oil in a scent you know she likes - raspberries, whatever. She can strip down to her panties before you come in, lay face down, and you can come in and give her a massage, remembering to compliment her. Beautiful skin, gorgeous legs, pretty toes, maybe you love the small of her back, etc. Again, leave before she gets up... Maybe leave a pretty new nightie for her to put on. If she likes this idea, make it a weekly ritual, but each week, add something new. One of those little wooden massage thingies. A feather. Something cold. A massage oil that heats up. Maybe, in time, even a vibrating massager... Get one that does NOT look phallic, and then leave it with her in case she gets the urge to experiement when she is alone! Encourage her to make suggestions, and to tell you what she likes & what feels good. When she does, always be completely accepting, and always remember! Take notes if you have to - She might giggle, but she will appreciate it!

Laughter is an excellent un-represser. Don't be afraid to joke! and let yourself be foolish from time to time during these encounters - This is a way of being vulnerable to her. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable to her in this way (and others - tell her your most embarrassing high school moment, or about the time you were most afraid in your life) will make her more comfortable being vulnerable to you.

Doing things like this will boost her comfort with her own sensuality, and her comfort being physical with you. It will teach her how to talk about what she likes and what feels good, and show her that you are going to respect that.

Small steps... See how it goes. You can undue the repression she has learned... You just have to take it slow, and be incredibly patient.

Best wishes to you!

[mackSwell]

P.S. In case she does not feel comfortable making suggestions for what to use during massage, or saying what she liked best, have a basket for this purpose. If Friday night is Massage Night, leave the empty basket on the bed in the morning, and ask her to put in it the things you should use during that evening's massage. This way she doesn't have to SAY it, but she can still make her preferences known. Again, baby steps...

[mackSwell]

Any progress here?