A New Joke Thread

[maryjanemama]

I tried to find the old threat...I hope this one hasn't been posted before:

Four nuns are standing in line at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks the first if she's ever sinned.
"Well", she admits, "I once saw a man's penis."
"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven", he tells her. Peter then asks the second nun if she's ever sinned.
"Well", she replies, "I once held a man's penis."
"Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven", he says.
Suddenly, the fourth nun rushes past the third to get in the front of the line. "What's the hurry?," St. Peter asks.
The nun answers, "I want to gargle the holy water before she sits in it!"

[juanskee]

Ha ha ha ha!!

[JohnnyBravo]

good 1

[The C]

Ha ha nice!

[XTC]

HaHa Jane Okay here's a joke, but people in their teens or twenties might only get it.. Maybe... IDK. Anywho. What did 50 cent say to his grandma After she knitted him a sweater?












Gee, you Knit?!?!

[The C]

I dont get it, and im a teen turning 20 in les then 2 days.

[LonerStoner]

lol, g-unit sucks

[RESiNATE]

:confused:

Good joke, MJM :D

3 old ladies, sat on a park bench:

OAP#1: "Oh, isn't it windy today!"
OAP#2: "No dear, I thinks it's thursday."
OAP#3: "Yes, so am I - let's get a cup of tea."

lol...uh oh...here comes the long-handled hook!!!
:D

[apsinthion]

Hahaha!!!!!

fantastic!:D

[Josh David]

Choice,luv it.Time fer another bwl.

[Reefer Rogue]

im going old skool on you guys.
"why did the chicken cross the playground?" to get to the other slide!!!! lol its one of those jokes that its so bad its funny or not funny at all... AT ALL!!!
So an irish man walks OUT of a bar.. :cool:

[Lulu]

So an irish man walks OUT of a bar.. :cool:
Reminds me of another very old joke;

Seán O'Connell was staggering home with a small Paddy in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please, dear Jesus", he implored, "let it be blood!"

Edit: Paddy is a brand of Irish Whiskey btw

[Euphoric]

lol, g-unit sucks
come on..the guy has been hit with a few shells yet does not walk with a limp! WOW :eek:

[Reefer Rogue]

yea c'mon people hes in the club sippin on some bub... yo yo yo? i think thats how it goes becasue every rap song has yo in it if it doenst then it just plain sux ass!

[maryjanemama]

Hahaha, Lulu!

A man applies for a job. After reviewing his application, the employer looks up and says,"Well, we have the perfect opening for a person such as yourself."
"Fantastic!" the man says, delighted. "What is it?"
"It's called the door! Now get the hell out of here!"

[Josh David]

Cruel world.HAHA!~

[00Ampersand]

What's worse than forty dead babies pilled in a pit?





the three babies at the bottom who are still alive eating their way out
~007~

[Miserylue]

here is an old one... but its the funniest joke ever..
Why was 6 afraid of 7??






Cause 7 8 9.... (7 ATE 9!).. get it? ha ha ha

[Miserylue]

ok, so this nun is cleaning the floors all alone in the church, and she starts to get really hot and sweaty, Im sure you can imagine.. wearing that thick black outfit... so she decides that since no one is around she is safe to take of her top... soon after there is a knock at the door.. Frantically, she asks who it is.. The man replies " its the blind man".. thankfull, she opens the door for the man. The man then says "nice tits lady, where do you want the blinds?"

[Josh David]

Yea, nice joke, lil nunery never hurt no-one.Actaully I think I'll use that one at work.BRILLIANT!!!

[kr1Nx01]

Whatâ??s the difference between a drunk and a stoner?

A drunk drives through the stop sign; a stoner waits for it to turn green.

[never 2 much]

Whatâ??s the difference between a drunk and a stoner?

A drunk drives through the stop sign; a stoner waits for it to turn green.
haha, :cool: i like that one!!!

[HigHAnneXities]

a seal walks into a bar and the bartender says 'what'll you have?'
'anything but canadian club.'

a giraffe walks into a bar and says,"the high balls are on me."....


A polar bear walks into a bar and slams his front feet on the bar and says, " I'll have a ..............................Beer!"
The bartender says,
"What's with the big pause

Two stringbeans decide to cross the road.
One gets hit by a truck. So the other scrapes him off of the pavement and takes him to the Emergency Room.
The doctor comes out and says to the survivor, I have some good news and some bad news.
Hit me with the good news, Doc, the survivor says.
It looks like he'll live, the doctor says.
So what's the bad news?
It looks like he'll be a vegetable the rest of his life.

And finally, ...there was a man who sent 10 puns to some friends in
hopes at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately no pun
in ten did!!!

What do you get when a midget psychic escapes custody?
A small medium at large.

Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist?
He went around denying the existence of dog.

[Lulu]

Good ones Anne ~lol~ :D
Here's one I found on another board this morning..

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you.

I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water he kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "HELL No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer,time after time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,"Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said.... "MONICA, you're free to go!"

[GHoSToKeR]

hahahahahahahahahaaaa!

[maryjanemama]

Lulu, that was a fucking RIOT! :D Can you just hear George saying, "I ain't no homasexshul!"

Anne, nice ones...post more if you've got em.

[Lulu]

Ok :D Last one today I swear ;)

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past

and looks up and says to the monkey "hey! what are you doing?"

The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some."



So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a

few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going

to get a drink from the river.



The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the

river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps

him to the side,then asks the lizard, "whats the matter with you?"



The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a

joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the

river while taking a drink.



The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle,

finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he

looks up and says "hey you!"



The Monkey looks down and says "faaaaaaark dude....... :eek:

how much water did you drink?!!" :D

[Kombucha]

Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist?
He went around denying the existence of dog.

I got a better version I heard:

What's the definition of dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

[apsinthion]

A woman is shot in the tit 3 times and rushed to hospital.
When she finally awakes, the doctor sits her up and says
"I'm afraid I have some bad news. In order for you to live, we must remove your damaged breast. If we do not do so, you will die"
"Never!" the woman replies. "I can't go around with just one breast. Ill take the risk"
So after being suitably patched up, she goes on her way, and after a couple of weeks she reports back to her doctor that she is still alive.
"Well that is indeed good news, however you will now have to live with those 3 bullets inside your breast for the rest of your life."

The woman accepts this and goes on to have a family of 3 children, 2 daughters and a son.

One day, one daughter comes down and tells her mum that whilst having a wee, a Bullet emerged.
The mother runs her child through the incident and explains how it occured.

Another day, the other daughter comes downstairs and tells mum that whilst having a wee, a Bullet emerged.
Again, the mother explains the incident.

Soon afterwards, her Son comes downstairs.
"Don't tell me" the mother says. "You were having a wee and..."
"No mother. I was having a wank and I've just shot the cat":D

[maryjanemama]

Hahahaha, Aps!

A doctor, a lawyer, and a biker are sitting at a bar. After a sip of his martini, the doctor says,"Tomorow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the rock, at least she'll like the car and she'll know I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer says, "Well, on my last anniversary I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she'd at least like the trip and she'd know I love her."

The biker takes a swig of his beer and says, "Oh, yeah? For my anniversary I got my old lady a T-shirt and a vibrator. That way, if she didn't like the shirt, she could go fuck herself."

[HigHAnneXities]

A man is talking to his friend and is telling him about a night out he and his wife had a short while ago.

"We went to this wonderful restaurant last week. Hmmmm, what was the name of it? What is that flower, it's red, has thorns?"

" A rose?" his friend replies.

"That's it! Hey Rose, what was the name of that restaurant we went to last week?"


A nun is talking with her Mother Superior. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the Mother Superior.

"Well, I was playing golf and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging ove the fairway and fell straight to the ground after going only about 100 yards"

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle zoomed down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"IS THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Mother Superior.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then the Mother Superior sighed and said "You missed the $#&*% putt, didn't you?"


A police office pulls over a speeding car. The office says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the office writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the office makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teet, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says. "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belf when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing the third ticket the driverturns to his wife and barks. 'WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"No, officer. Only when he's been drinking."


A young woman goes to church to confess her sins to the priest. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

"Tell all of your sins, my daughter."

"Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times." she says.

The priest thinks about this long and hard and says. "Take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a gall glass and drink it."

"Will this cleanse my soul of my sins?"

"No," the priest says, "but it'll wipe that smile off your face!"



A man and his wife were on their honeymoon. The husband took off his pants and handed them to his wife.
"See if they fit."

"They don't"

"Now you see who will wear the pants in this house." She thought a little while, and took off her panties and asked him to try them on.

"I can't get into these."

"And you won't, either, with that attitude."


A mans walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."



A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher. The preacher notices the old drunk and says,

"Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says. "Yes, preacher, I sure am."

The preacher dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks.

"Noooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says,

"Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not, Reverend."

The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone,

"My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and yells at the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"


and finally.....
Two nuns are riding a tandem bicycle into town. After riding down a dirt road and across a bridge they come to a bumpy old brick road. The nun on the back says, "My, I don't think I've ever come this way before."
The other nun says, "Yes, it's the cobblestones. Aren't they wonderful?"

[DojaDave]

So a penguin is driving along and all of the sudden he starts having car trouble so pulls into a repair shop.

The mechanic looks at the car and says, well its gonna take me a little time to figure out whats wrong with it. Can you come back in 30 mins?

The penguin says fine and goes accross the street for an icecream, but the poor little guy doesn't have any hands to eat it with so he gets it all over his beak. After hes done he goes back to the repair shop.

The mechanic looks at him and says, Well, looks like you blew a seal.

The penguin says, no thats just icecream on my beak.

[GHoSToKeR]

The mechanic looks at him and says, Well, looks like you blew a seal.

The penguin says, no thats just icecream on my beak.
LOL

good jokes, guys :D

[Ammie]

omfg it hurts to read some of this :D:D

[hunny]

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?
>>
>>The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one
>>morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to
>>Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"
>>
>>Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
>>
>>"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
>>
>>Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together
>>in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
>>
>>"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
>>
>>Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your
>>legs."
>>
>>The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now,
>>Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
>>
>>Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom
>>the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she
>>was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!" If Dad hadn't pinned her down,
>>we'd have lost her."
>>
>>The nun fainted.

[apsinthion]

Hahahahahahahaha! :D

[Funken Monken]

*No offence intended*

A chap is sat in the bar one night, having a quite drink. As he sits there, he notices an attractive lady walk in. Feeling luck is on his side, he goes over and starts talking to her.
As it turns out, they hit it off and before long, last orders (uhh, thats a uK thing!) is rang. Wanting to continue the conversation, he asks what she's up to next.
Feeling the same, she invites im back to hers.
As they walk back to her place, she turns to him and says "Look, I'm a bit embarrased to tell you this, but the fact is I stil live with my praents"
Not caring, and thinking "hey, I'm in with a shag, whatever", he replies that thats not a problem. However she continues:
"Thing is, my parents are deaf and dumb, so they use sign language alot to communicate, I just thought you should know that"
"thankts ok, thanks" he replies.
Soon they are back at hers and she lets them in. She closes the front door and sticks her head in the front room.
"Hi mum and dad, I'm back now"
Feeling he should be polite, he stick his head around the door to say hello.
As he does, he's greated by the site of her mother frigging herself with an empty beer bottle, and her father cupping his testicles in his hand and with matchsticks propping his eyes open.

Shocked, the chap comes out of the room and turns to the girl.
"what on earth is going on in there??!??" he says quite alarmed.
"I told you, they're deaf and dumb, so they are just communicating using sign language"
"Sigh language!?!?!" he yells, "What on earth are they saying to each other", to which she replies
"Well, she's saying 'get the beers in, you cunt' and he's saying 'Bollocks, I'm watching the match"


Tip - if you want to tell that joke to your friends, just remember the punchline and work back.....ahhhh thank you ;)

[az666]

lol there are sum funny jokes in here i aint heard b4
ok this ones pretty gross

Two tramps walking down the street.One tramp turns to the other and says
"Have you shat yourself?"
No I haven't, you cheeky cunt! said the other.
I don't believe you, take off your pants and show me, says the first one. The second takes off his pants and sees a big, brown shit stain on his underpants.
"See, shitty drawers! You did shit yourself! You make me sick!" said the first one.
The shitty one said "Ohhh, YOU MEAN TODAY?"





What has a woman and a KFC got in common?

Once you have finished with the legs and breasts you've still got a greasy box to put your bone in!!!

lol hope none of the ladys take offence

[az666]

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell
sitting over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III ". And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 20 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with really big tits.
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with really big tits?
Why kill a blonde with really big tits?
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder
and says, "See, smart ass?! I told you no one
would give a fuck about the 20 million Iraqis!"

bit harsh i know but i thought it was funny

[Stoned Scouser]

ok so i guy goes 2 party and hears a beautiful piece of music b'n played on the piano, he asks the pianist what it is called, to which he replies 'u luv it in the arse u dirty slag!' the guy says 'u cant call a piece of music that'. the pianist says 'i wrote it i can call it whatever i want.'
he then playz another beautiful piece of music so the guy asks what this one is called he says ' u want it all over ur tits u filthy whore! ' the guy says 'ok i'm havin a party nx wk @ my house i'd luv it if u wud cum and play the paino 4 us... jus' promise u wont tell anyone the names of ur music! ' the pianist is glad 2 accept his offer!
so the nx wk he turns up @ the guys house an says 'jus b4 i start 2 play i need 2 hav a wank... i can't play the piano without havin a wank 1st!' so the guy says 'arite well go in the toilet and do ur business but hurry up!'
10 mins l8er the guy bangs on th toilet door an th pianist cums out... his hair is a mess his shirts hangin out he's got spunk all over his trousers, the guy says 'excuse me mate do u know ur hairs a mess an ur covered in spunk?!' the painist says ' know it i fuckin wrote it!' LOL!

[Stoned Scouser]

There's three women talkin about their love lives... one says to the other ' hey mary-sue what do u call ur man? '...she replies ' i call my man the express train coz he jus keeps on goin '... they all hav a bit of a giggle

Then the nx one says ' hey mary-jane what do u call ur man? '... she says ' i call my man the stalion coz he goes at it like a stallion! '... again they hav a bit of a laugh right

Then finally one says ' hey mary-ann what do u call ur man? '... ' i call my man drambui! '... ' drambui? ain't that some kind of a fancy liquor? '... ' thats right! '

[ermitonto]

Why do they call it "PMS"?

Because "mad cow disease" was already taken.

[The S B]

you all got good jokes
ok I'm not a pev but this is funny

a boy and his dad come to a playground where the is a sandbox there is a naked little girl in it the boy runs up and says whatcha doin and she says playin the naky sand game wanna play? he says ok but what do I got to do she says take off all your cloths and jump in he does it so they are playin around in the sand(harmless children things) all of the sudden the boy looks down and says whuts that the girl goes I dont no let me go ask my mommy she goes to her mom and the mom says its your garage DONT LET ANY BOYS PARK THEIR CHEVY IN IT she goes back and starts playin again 30 secs later the girl looks down and says wuts that the boy goes i dont no let me go ask my daddy the dad says thats your chevy try and park it in a girls garage
he goes back to playin and 5 mins later the boy runs away screaming and crying the mom runs over and asks the girl wut happened the girl says
he tryed to park his chevy in my garage so I bit off his back wheels ..lol

ok heres another
three men walk into a church the first goes to his knees and says
oh dear lord I have sined I commited adultury
god tells him to drink some of the holy water and all will be forgivven so he does
the second says oh dear load I have sined I killed a man
god says drink some holy water and all will be forgivven so he does
the third man drops to his knees and says oh dear load I have sined I pissed in the holy water...

some of these are lame also no offence to blonds just a funny sterio type

what do you do when a blond throws a grenade at you?

pull the pin and throw it back

ok 3 blonds walk into a bar they are cheerin and givin each other some high fives says only 52 days they get a table and are still cheerin the whole time some other blonds walk in and sit with them all cheerin a nd givin high fives to each other then some moe walk in by now there are like 15 of them they keep sayin only 52 days the bartened is startin to get mad about all the yelin and cheerin so he sends one of the waiter girls over to find out why they are cheerin she comes back with a crazed look on her face she tells the bartended your not ganna belive this he says what whats with all this crap and she says well they finnished a puzzle in 52 days that said 8-10 years on the box

if you dont get it it some toys say 8-10 year olds on them
I got more but i no you all dont want to read more

[billie]

nice... so here is one:
why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?
because if it had 4 , it would be a chicken sedan

[Byker]

Reminds me of another very old joke;

Seán O'Connell was staggering home with a small Paddy in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please, dear Jesus", he implored, "let it be blood!"

Den she sez:


Edit: Paddy is a brand of Irish Whiskey btw

I knew that!

But so long as we're telling Irishman jokes and nun jokes ...

It's Thursday evening, and Mike just got his pay packet, so he's going into the pub for a quick pint before he goes home. As he pushes open the door, he hears a small voice behind him that says, "You're enterin' the gates of Hell."

He turns around. Standing before him, a few inches shorter and with her hands tucked into the sleeves of her habit, is a nun. Mike turns back toward the door, and he begins to lean on it, when the voice starts again: "You're enterin' the gates of Hell, ta drink the devil's blood!".

"Now, sister," Mike says, as he wheels around. The nun replies, "Yer goin' inta that den of sin to commune with Satan!".

Mike walks over to her and says, "No, sister, that's an honest workin' men's pub. There's no more sin --"

"You are going into a den of sin and evil!", the nun cries out. "No, sister! No, I am not!", shouts Mike.

They stare at each other for a moment. Then Mike says, "Look, sister, you're so certain you know what this pub is like, you come in with me and tell me what you see. Come on! Come on with ya!". And Mike opens the door of the pub and ushers the nun inside.

Once in, he leads her to a corner table in the lounge. "Now, can I get you a drink?", says Mike. "Well ... all right," says the nun, timidly. "I'd like some whiskey, just a drop, but put it in a tea cup."

"Right," says Mike, and he trundles up to the bar.

At the bar, Mike waits for the barman, and tells him, "Howehyeh, Albert! I'd like a pint a' Guinness, and a drop of Paddy. But put the whiskey in a tea cup."

The barman looks at Mike and says, "Wha'?".

Mike repeats, "A pint a' the Arthur Guinness, and a short of Paddy. But put the Paddy in a tea cup."

"Whiskey in a tea cup, ya want?", queries the barman again.

"Yes, that's what I said," replies Mike.

"Whale oil beef hooked," remarks the barman. "That bloody nun is back again!"

:p

[Byker]

One more for you ...

Three Irish lads are walking along on a Saturday afternoon. They go past a Catholic church, when Tommy stops his mates.

"Wait here, lads," says he, "I have to go to confession." This surprises Pat and Michael, but they agree to remain in front of the church until their friend returns.

Tommy waits in the line for the confessional. Then he goes in, kneels, and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"Yes, yes, my son," says the priest. "What have you done?"

"Well, I got drunk and said foul words," Tommy tells him. "What did you say?", asks the priest.

"Aw, shite, Father, I can't remember one God-damned thing after the sixth pint, now ya don't expect me to come up with a whole fuckin' speech for fuck's sake!", replies Tommy.

"I suppose not," murmurs the priest. "Go on."

"And Father, I had a very lewd thought," says Tommy. "Well, did you entertain the thought?", asks the priest.

"No, Father I did not. But it did entertain me!", Tommy says.

"Please continue," says the priest.

"Then, Father, last week I was with one of the girls from the parish," confesses Tommy.

"You mean you slept with her?", the priest inquires. "No, Father, I did not!", says Tommy. "In fact, I spent the whole night with her, and we didn't do any sleepin', I can tell ya that!".

The priest inhales deeply, and says, "Tell me her name." Tommy snaps back, "Father, I can't tell you that! I promised her I'd tell no-one!".

"You *must* tell me," insists the priest, "or your sins will not be forgiven! Was it, was it -- Kathleen O'Connor?"

"No, Father," says Tommy.

"You will tell me!", demands the priest. "Was it Mary Casey?".

"Father, no!", says Tommy.

"Was it ... Maureen O'Kelley?", says the priest.

"It was not!", replies Tommy, "And I am not going to tell you!".

"THAT'S IT!", shouts the priest. "Get out! Get out now! You are not absolved of your sins until you are willing to confess them!". And Tommy runs out of the church.

Finding his mates, he turns to them and says, "Lads, we're going out tonight -- with three of the easiest girls in the parish!".
:eek:

[kevy cola]

cool, the joke thread is still around. I'm the creator of the original
http://boards.cannabis.com/showthread.php?t=380&page=1&pp=25

So george wants to go out for a night of boozin' with his buddies but his wife won't let him go. She says " last time you went to the bar you got piss drunk puked all over your shirt". after enough begging and pleading george's wife allows him to go to the bar.

4 hours and fifteen beers later george puked on his shirt. George turns to one of his buddies and says " aw man my wife is gonna kill me, i wasn't supposed to puke on my shirt!". George's buddy replies " here man take this twenty, when you get home tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you twenty bucks for the laundry"

so georges stumbles home drunk as a skunk and enters through the front door. "Dammit George you puked on shirt again" to which george replies "No hunny, some other drunk puked on me and gave me twenty bucks for the cleaners" george's wife says "oh yeah, then what's that other twenty for?" "that's from they guy who shit in my pants!!!!!!!"

[Sognatore]

Check this out http://www.coxar.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/





be sure to take a second & actually look- the first time I showed this to someone they said "damn, the link didn't work"
ps: I like your avatar kevy cola :p