DARK TUESDAY

[RESiNATE]

I woke up this morning, and decided that I was dark.

When I'm dark, I tend to be in a constant battle with both sides of my personality; one side being light, the other being dark.
The light side of me, is cheeky, childish, and full of fun.
The dark side, is flippant, critcal, and often caustic.

The result of this battle (though, not necessarily the outcome), is that I become introspective and deep, but with a dry and sarcastic wit. And although my thoughts often dwell upon matters of deep depressive content, the light side of me tends to prevent the darkness from completely consuming me. It does this, by allowing me to look upon myself with a certain amount of derisive mockery.
As far back as I can remember, solitary contemplation has been something that I do rather alot of. These bouts of meditation have not always been devoted to downers; on one occasion, I set about trying to design a perpetual motion generator - I think that I nearly succeeded too, if it hadn't been for the fact that 'vacuum bearings' haven't been invented yet :rolleyes: . But, I digress :cool:

Recently, though, my moments of quiet reflection lean towards those issues in my life that cause me concern; the way of the world, the imminent ecological disaster, and not least, my own sorry life. Yet, even though my journey of mental analysis can take me to depths of despair that would render most people close to suicide, I am able to survive due to the power of my light side.

At times, such as these, I like to sit on the floor.
Sitting on the floor, somehow makes me feel closer to my spiritual essence. I wonder why this is; is it because I am closer to the Earths core (spirit)? Is it because my chakras are closer to each other, because of my haunched position? I don't know. Maybe I will meditate on this.
The room in which I sit, cross-legged on the floor, is lit only by the light of two candles; always two - never more, or less...balance in all things. The air is filled with soft chilled-out music ('Chilled Out Euphoria CD2' mixed by Solar Stone, currently :D ) with just enough volume to feel the very lowest tones.

Every now and then, I'll begin to make a joint.
The paper is set before me, and I begin to pull strands of tobacco to lay, almost reverently, upon the outspread Rizla. The is no haste, as my mind often drifts back to previous thoughts, ideas, and memories. Some of those memories may cause me to halt the construction, and I will often dwell on them; some raising a smile, others causing a frown, most invoking a tear. Images form, as crystaline as if I were watching them on a big screen - one of the disadvantages of having a photographic memory...recall can be a bitch!
I return to the task at hand, and pick up the small nub of hash-hish, regarding it for a moment. That insignificant looking piece of compressed matter that is my salvation from total mental collapse. I smile, remembering some of the experiences that this narcotic concoction has given me; mad laughter, awesome appreciation, and a view to the world that has ultimately changed my life. How many times has this drug helped me through times of despair? How often has it transformed a good time, into an awesome time? How much broader has my perspective and understanding become?

The white flash of the flint striking the metal wheel of my clipper, the familiar aroma of cannabis resin, the slight intake of breath, as the heat burns into my thumb and forefinger, and the studied and carefully executed distribution of the dope throghout the prepared chassis. Absently, I begin to roll the tobacco and dope mix into the trade-mark conical shape, an action that has been performed so many times, as it is now an almost automatic process.
And then it is done.

I light it.
Draw deeply without inhaling - the first drag is for the spirits - then blow a satisfyingly large plume of narcotic smoke into the ether.
I regard my joint with a certain air of pride "That's art, that is," I mutter to myself, and take another deep draw - this one's for me., and I let the drug infuse my body, and allow myself to fall gently into the soft folds of stoned oblivion.

The swirling music carries my soul on a journey of lights and colours, soothing my tired resolve, shielding me from the wicked talons of reality. I drift upon a sea of calm, and giggle at the sight of the demons that scratch at the barrier I erect around me - "Yes, I know you're there...but for now, you can't get me.....this is my world, and very few are welcome."

And so begins another exploration into my psyche - a dark and twisting spiral of madness; I am like a child, brightly dressed and playfully dancing through a landscape of barren, grey desolation, laughing at the monsters who try to grab me. I taunt them with my wry humour, "I know you'll get me one day, but how long are you prepared to chase mwhahahaha!!"

I'll pay for that.

Stick it on the bill, along with all those other debts :D

Damn.
I'm writing this down!
Rambling on like man possessed :eek:

Haaa....Maybe I bored them ;)
Thanks for listening :)
Res...

[maryjanemama]

Hey, Res, go back to bed and start all over again. :)

[Josh David]

Now that's two posts that are inspirational reads(sorta) that I've read this morning.I think for me,I get so overwhelmed with what it's like being in an age like this were technology has got a half life which leaves spirituality behind in alot of ways.It's great just to wake up a smell the coffee literaly and figuratively. Think I'll put some tune's on and light incense.

[RESiNATE]

LOL, I was lying on my sofa, listening to an awesome mix of dark tunes (RADIO SILENCE mixed by INBETWEEN INTERVAL), when I suddenly thought of you, MJM.
I thought, MJM has read my post and has replied :D
Isn't that wierd?

Anyways, go back to bed? lol
Tried that, it don't work :)

Someone once commented that they thought that I just convince myself that I'm depressed, when I have no reason to be.
Maybe they're right, but I do find a sense of familiarity with my darkness - afterall, a pessimist is never disappointed, is he?

Ha, it seems so long ago that I last felt 'hope'.
I used to be a sheep, and thought that my life was about how much money I could accrue, and how many possessions I had amassed. 'Hope' was about material wealth, but that isn't the way to happiness. I used to think that there was someone special. Someone that I could communicate with on every level, who would electrify every nerve in my body to a state of euphoria. Someone of which I could find nothing unacceptable about them.

So much for hope.
So much for dreams.

They say that it is 'better to have loved and lost, than not to have loved at all' - a rather ridiculous statement in my opinion.
Some people search their whole lives for such a thing, and often they are left wanting. So, to have finally found such rare treasure, and be forced to let it go, ever out of reach, is somehow better than to die wondering? I'm not so sure.

Briefly, the dream became reality - albeit a rather translucent one, and now I'm haunted by the memories of what could have been.

I accept the situation...I have no choice...but it doesn't make the pain any easier to bear.
And irony is a cruel joke.

Going to bed just brings the dreams back :)
Waking up just kicks me in the teeth :(

Que sara sara, as they say, I'm just a passenger on the train of life, chuggin along to the sound of the 'clickity-clack', waiting for the last stop.

^^(I quite liked that bit)^^

It's all cool, MJM :) :cool:
There's always 'hope'....bwhahahahaha
x
Res...

[clevemire]

I say do whatever makes you feel complete, my man. If you enjoy the darker side of things from time to time, by all means, embrace it.

[JohnnyBravo]

Man, I enjoyed reading that. You've got excellent literacy skills and very deep thought. If I were you i'd put your skills into writing writing a book of some sort.

[sToNeDpEnGuIn420]

damn that was crazy dude...really weird im gonna post a poem thing i wrote yesterday at the end of school when i had to wait for ppl, i was just sittin there listennig to tool and i just wrote this crazy poem i like it, looks for the thread soon or later

[Josh David]

I blieve it is the right season for that neon sighn just above the corner bar. Great time of year for goth-inustrial life-style.Preach on bro.

[Bro DZ]

so Res, you are you making the claim the you truly know what good and bad are...? I don't think thats possible in our universe of infinite possibilities.

When I was younger I used to sit around and dwell on what could have been but never will be and I used to think I too was depressed. However, I became enlightened as to what feelings really are. All these things you think you feel in your mind are only extremely complex chemical reactions brought on by the nourishment you provide or fail to provide yourself. All you have to do is realize that when it gets down to the bottom line, YOU are causing all these conflicting thoughts and feelings within yourself. You are in total control of your inner self Res. There are no two parts of your person (unless your a schitzo LoL). Realizing that is the only way to achieve zen and the drive to carry on your existence in a positive manner for those that rely on and trust you.

Peace (i'm sorry to say i didnt enjoy reading about you feeling sorry for yourself Res, well written though it was)

[Euphoric]

hmm..yesh..i think waking up is a bit overrated...esp when theres no wake n bake possiblities.
perhaps there is a deeper issue that is troubling you, reinstate. i'd suggest trying to meditate, focusing on the problem for just about 10 - 15 minutes without distraction. see if you can simply resolve it in your mind. thats where the pain comes from. you may be able to peice together a solution, too.
i also think a mental "restart" suggested by mjm is good advice. thnx peas out :)

[RESiNATE]

Bro, I don't claim to know 'good' from 'bad...after all, some things we view now as being 'bad', may in the future turn out to be 'good' - FATE works in bizarre, and often unfathomable ways :)
Feelings aren't a result of chemical reations, Bro - it's the other way around.

Schizophrenic? lol...that. I've always wondered - but. no.
I am in control of my inner-self - but to gain that control, one must be aware of all sides to that self. Control, or realisation, can only come by balancing the equation.

"All you have to do is realize that when it gets down to the bottom line, YOU are causing all these conflicting thoughts and feelings within yourself."

But, of course. Apart from sounding like the type of thing that a psychological analysist would say. Identifiying the problem is only a small part of the battle - addressing and overcoming those issues is usually the hardest, and often most daunting trial. It is often easy for someone to look at someone's world of pain, and say "Pull yourself together, man!" (and I don't mean you personally, Bro :) ) - I think everyone on this board has posted a question about a problem at some point or other, to which some of us (myself included) have wondered at the big deal of it.
It's not always so 'cut n dry' as moving on and accepting the situation for what it is.

Yeah, I feel sorry for myself, but more than that - I feel bewildered at the machinations of life. Like, I thought I had been all of those things that are supposed to be admirable in a human being; caring, compassionate, understanding. I see others who are none of these things, and yet they seem to have all they want.
Jealousy?
Damn right, I'm jealous.
Bitter?
Without a doubt.

Thanks, Bro, I appreciate your feedback, dude :)

Euphoric...I meditate alot - and not always on dark matters lol
It is through meditation that I can get a handle on my life, and try to restore the balance. There are aspects to my life that are identifiyable as things that cause my darkness, but often those things are beyond my control (unless they've invented selective memory erasing lol) - but of those things, I can at least try to accept them...not as easy as I once thought it would be.

In a way, I do 'like' my darkness - it helps me to appreciate the good things in my life.
I'm not so niave to think that my life is a pile of shit - I have two gorgeous kids, and a supportive and loving family...those two things alone, make me a very lucky man indeed. And my personal life, albeit a fairly lonely existence, is one that agrees with my overall psyche; I could never spend the whole day, just chilling out to some awesome tunes, when I was married...

A dip into the darkness, can sometimes cleanse the spirit and open your eyes to the light. I skirt along the knife-edge between the two worlds, maintaining balance and respecting both, but taking from each that which I need to survive.

Some things are meant to be, no matter how much we don't like it.
In Fate's hand, my life will ever be, and She leads a mad and twisting dance through realms of uncertainty, hope, triumph, and failure...all I can do is keep up with Her.

Or try to :)

Thanks guys :)
Res...

=Res's Soundtrack of the day=

'Nimbus' - Indiginous
'Opaque' - Amethystium
'Razorfish (Ambient Mix)' - Tranquility Base
'Rapture (Ambient Mix)' - Io
'Seven Minutes 2 Midnight' - Sundog
'Watching The Waves (Ambient Mix)' - Blank & Jones
'Time Thieves (Zilent Dub)' - Bubblegum Revolution
'Sunset' - Lissa
'Enjoy Your Trip' - Dual Systems
'The Birth After Death' - Pridon
'Dreaming Of You (Tranquilo's Ambient Mix)' - The Thrillseekers
'We Don't Talk (Alaska Remix)' - Ortz
'Hayling' - FC Kahuna
'Heaven (Candlelight Mix)' - DJ Sammy & Yanou
'As The Rush Comes (Gabriel & Dresden Chillout Mix)' - Motorcycle
'Latneiro (Woods Sunrise Dub)' - Journeyman
'Luna Spell' - Yellow Magnetic Star
'Manakhana (Youth Remix)' - Nada
'Southern Sunset (Solar Stone Chillout Mix)' - Paul Oakenfold

[maryjanemama]

Damn, I had something to say and now I forgot it...oh, yeah, that line about lying on the couch and suddenly you thought of me bit...come on, admit it, Res, you're one of my clients! Lol...no, seriously, if you ever get lonely and dial a 900 number and the chick on the other end is calling herself Anna, you probably are talking to me.

Um, yeah, everybody has many sides...I try not to let the dark side take over too much but sunshine and roses all day gets boring, too. What's party Res like? I'm curious to know what a lot of ppl here are like when they're out having a good time....yikes, can't stop typing about nothing....:confused:

[GHoSToKeR]

Res, you rock

The problem is, I have so many things to say in response to this thread that i dont know where to begin, so i wont, because itll probably just come out as "ooga booga, bananarama, wikkinikkis, monkey man"

Res, is the problem that youre unhappy with your surroundings, the people in your life, your financial situation, or just unhappy in general? because, if its the latter, then i know how youre feeling - i know im only 17, but ive had my share of depression.. like bro said, the key is realizing that these feelings are simly that - feelings.. more often then not theyre completely unfounded.. theyre just there... you need to find happiness within.. dont try and find happiness in material possessions, money, friends, family, or any of that - just smoke a joint, put on some music, and meditate.. try and look inside yourself and if youre truely happy within yourself then you should be exactly that - happy.. i know i sound like shite, but who cares? im stoned and im happy.. res, you rock.. good luck my friend

peas

[RESiNATE]

lol, thanks GHoST, you rock too, dude lol
And MJM, I dunno about 900 numbers over here :confused:, but ya never know ;)

I dunno what it is, really.

One the one hand, I'm happy.
I can do like I did yesterday, and submerge myself in deep meditation and listen to cool tunes, without anyone telling me that I'm wasting time or being a slob. I can flick on the PS2, and rally around the world like a mad-man, or blast down the streets of Tokyo in a Formula 1 car.
When my kids come at the weekend, I enjoy their company (even if I still have to be stern with them on occasion :rolleyes: ). Their arrival is something that I look forward to every week, they are a testament to at least two decent things that I've done in my life.
I can have my own space and time, without having to pander to anyone else's needs.
So, that's all good.

However, I do feel trapped within a system that I don't agree with.
I have also done things that have destroyed certain aspects of my life, for which I feel guilt and shame. I have trusted and been betrayed, and I have also been trusted and have betrayed. I feel disappointment at where I am in my life; I have a shed full of qualifications that I've never used, in favour of chasing a childhood dream. Well, I've lived the career dream, and now I'm in a rut. Driving is all very exciting and fun when you're young, but it gets less rewarding as you get older, I have found.

I dunno, it's lots more than that.
Like, since I was young I began questioning the way things were done, not just in this country (UK) but throughout the world. As I've grown older (and hopefully a little wiser), I see more and more evidence of how we are manipulated and trapped into this unseen 'protocol'. I also see how people have changed into mindless zombies, intent on only one thing - "What's in it for me?"
There seems to be little comradery anymore, no community spirit.
Only the other week, a woman lay unconscious in the middle of a busy road, and people were just driving AROUND her body, like it was a trash bag! I mean, what have we become?
People, generally, don't seem to care anymore.
Look at all the litter that lines the streets.

And then there is this growing feeling that democracy is failing.
The public says NO, the government say FUCK YOU.
They tax the workers to the point of bankrupcy, and give all the money to those who can't be bothered to subscribe to the laws of society, let alone contribute to it!
We've religious nut-cases dictating how we should live our lives, by using mass hysteria as their preaching tool.
Criminals go unpunished, victims suffer more, and beaurocracy is killing rain forests by the acre, every second of the day.
The roads are becoming clogged to the point of grid-lock and are populated by people who wouldn't know the first thing about road-craft, let alone public safety.
The police are more interested in catching folk who travel at 3mph over the designated speed-limit, whilst murderers, rapists, and child-molesters are left to run riot.
And woe-be-tide if the criminal feels hard done by, they have a better standard of living than most law-abiding citizens.

Then there's my personal life.
I'm working as hard as I can to rebuild my life (again), and yet I face imminent bankruptcy due to the crippling taxes imposed upon me by a government that I have no respect for, and the debts that I am liable for that my ex-wife had amassed without my consent.

There's more, but you'll all start thinking that I'm a moany old bastard ;)

But, in amongst all this darkness, a little light still shines bright.
Party Res is often on show :D
You'll see him when replying to some posts on here...that cheeky, abstract, tangential beast, that pokes fun at the darkside and hopes to raise a smile to those kind enough to read them :)
I'm often (unwittingly) the centre of attention, and like nothing more than to entertain people with witty anecdotes, wry comments, and the odd funny walk lol.
I'm a bit of a DJ too, and love getting people moving with my carefully chosen top tunes lmaooo...is a bigger buzz than any drug, I can assure you. I played in Glastonbury once, only a small crowd..but whoa...what a rush! :D

Once met, never forgotten :)

Sounds a bit big headed of me, doesn't it.
But there you go.

One day, we will all meet up somewhere, and you'll discover that my darkness is something that I reserve for myself - I know when to lock it away, and let Res come out to play lmaoo

This community of people here, has been a real life-saver for me...believe.
I relish the fact that I can be who I am (darkness included, sorry lol), and that I can share my thoughts on all matters (light and dark) with people that can relate to most of what I'm saying. I don't think that there is a single person here that would not be welcome in my home at any time, and I kinda feel part of a family.
I like that I am able to offer some advice to those that need it, and that I can get advice from those self-same people.
After all, I don't know everything.........just most of it bwhahahaha (j/k :p )

Geez, I wrote a fricking essay again :rolleyes:
Probably went on a bit of a tandem, too! :rolleyes:
Ah well, I am a complex individual with many ideas and conflicting emotions...definition: Human ;)

Thanks guys :D

[Imotep]

i hear ya res. pull yself out of it. when you can though. god i used to enjoy being depressed, because the dark stuff is bloody cool.
i can still slip into it, but i can kick meself in the pants if i feel like it these days.
the power of the mind is a wonderful thing, you can talk yrself crook and y can talk yrself well.
well i reckon anyway.
im the destroyer of worlds one day and the planter of vegetables the next.
talk about up and down.

[RESiNATE]

the power of the mind is a wonderful thing, you can talk yrself crook and y can talk yrself well.
well i reckon anyway.
im the destroyer of worlds one day and the planter of vegetables the next.
talk about up and down.

Spot on, Imotep!
(lmao@'planter of vegatables'!! :D ...I got an awesomely funny split visual on that lmaooo)

[maryjanemama]

900 numbers= REAL LIVE HOT HORNY GIRLS ARE WAITING TO TALK TO YOU!!! Then, enter credit card number and pay out the nose for me to talk dirty. LOL

Res, seriously, find yourself a girl. You'll feel a lot better. Enough of the darkness, it's so draining. We love you, Res!!! Isn't that enough to make you turn on the light?

[RESiNATE]

Ahhh@900 nombers...lol...I was thinking along the lines of 'Samaritans' lmfaooo..
Boy, I got THAT about as wrong as ya can!! :D

Bah@find a girl.

Apart from your good selves, show me one that isn't more interested in the goings on in a soap, or the latest boy-band, or who isn't fixated with fashion, and who can hold a conversation about the time-space-continuem or the quality of a good tune.

And who doesn't judge a bloke on his looks,but rather his mind and personality.
And who doesn't wield a skillet at the mere mention of dissention lmfaoooo

I can buy a shag, but other than that, I'm looking for something a little deeper lol

And besides, I guess I aint the easiest person to live with lol
Mood swings and all, init? :rolleyes:

Okies, I'll put the light on...Oooh...will candles do?...err..I'm a night person, all this brightness hurts lol

(plus, I can see how messy this room really is...geez...where did I put the vacuum?)
hehehehe

:)

[GHoSToKeR]

one that isn't more interested in the goings on in a soap, or the latest boy-band, or who isn't fixated with fashion, and who can hold a conversation about the time-space-continuem or the quality of a good tune.

And who doesn't judge a bloke on his looks,but rather his mind and personality.
And who doesn't wield a skillet at the mere mention of dissention lmfaoooo

I found one! but, sadly, as i've said before, shes too possessive and probably psychotic lol but she rocks :D

[apsinthion]

If I was a girl I'd shag ya Res! :D:D:D:D:p

[RESiNATE]

lol, Apsin...man, I nearly choked on my burger then, dude lmfaooo
:D

[apsinthion]

Yeah I know you must be excited but don't choke to death just yet!

At least wait for my sex change to be completed!;)

[RESiNATE]

lol, Apsin...man, I nearly choked on my burger then, dude lmfaooo
:D

That almost sounds like a euphamism, didn't it! lol

Sex-change?
How many dangly bits you gonna have, 2?, or the indecisive 3?

lmfaooo

[apsinthion]

Hmmm tough question.

Maybe I'll have none and look like Fiona Bruce lol.

Sorry Fiona if your a stoner (hey that rhymes) if you on here.;)

[RESiNATE]

lmao@'Fiona Bruce'...:D

I'm glad I'm not the only one that suspects skullduggery on that score lol

Hmmm..skullduggery, rhymes with dull buggery lmaooo

whatever the fuck, dull buggery is supposed to mean :rolleyes:
Boring butt-fucking, I guess :D

lmaooo

[Imotep]

lol as i read this ozzys wailing "here i stay, waiting for die-i-dieiarkness"lol

so that means cd change.
the hardons
from sydney
punchbowl to be exact.
anyway theyre very fun and...
fun.
wo-wo-woooah