My sister, Charlotte Elizabeth, 1955 - 2006

[birdgirl73]

Many of you whoâ??re familiar with me know that my familyâ??s been in the long, painful process of losing my older sister to ovarian cancer in recent months. Bess died very early this morning, surrounded by our family. She fought a courageous battle against her cancer for nearly five years, and her terminal condition only became clear within the last four months or so as the disease spread to her brain.

Itâ??s very hard for me to write about the type of person she was right now. But if youâ??ve ever known someone who was an ideal combination of spirit, beauty, and intelligence, that was Bess. She taught me as much or more about how to value life, respect others, and love from the bottom of my heart than any other person on this earth. She wasnâ??t just my older sister but also my oldest and best friend, my favorite role model, and my first â??teacher.â?� My parents say she was so delighted to find herself with a baby sister when she was 6 that she played school with me from the time my infant carrier could be propped upright. She was determined to knock some sense into my head, and she grew up to be a career teacher. Iâ??ve clearly grown up to be a perpetual student. Still a troublesome one, too.

Thanks and much love to the many of you whoâ??ve conveyed well wishes, prayers, and good thoughts over these last months as Iâ??ve been facing this. I apologize to others of you for whom this news comes as a surprise or who don't know me. It was often awkward at best to directly mention the fact that she was dying, and it was frequently a much-needed emotional break for me to simply come to the boards and play, discussing other subjects. It was Bessâ?? last rounds of chemo this past summer that led me to this site, looking for information regarding medical mj. Cannabis gave her some of the most pleasant, chemo-symptom-free time she had early last summer, and Iâ??ll never regret helping make that possible. The only thing I regretâ??and this makes me mad as heck when I think about itâ??is that we had to break the law to do so. That, to me, is the real crimeâ??that in our state and still far too many other states and countries, people who need medical cannabis are denied safe, legal access to it.

If youâ??re so inclined, hereâ??s a way you can honor my sister. Please tell your family or friends that you love them tonight. Then tell them again tomorrow. Then keep telling them that for the rest of your days. Practice random acts of kindness whenever you can. And work hard at being nice to other people. Some make this a very challenging thing to do, I know. But when you think about it, theyâ??re nearly always the ones who need our kindness far more than the ones who make it easy. These were lessons I learned from my sister Bess.

I may not be online very frequently during the next three days, but Iâ??ll check in when I can. Just as an FYI for the detectives among you, weâ??re not running any notices in the online Dallas-area news sites anytime soon, if ever. Weâ??ve been in touch personally with everyone who needs to know the details of her services, and this decision not only helps protect our privacy but also helps prevent us from being generously over-loved by my husbandâ??s very dear current and former patients, many of whom are senior citizens with limited means.

Take care, everyone. Much love and light to each of you and yours tonight.

[couch-potato]

I can only imagine what you're going through. Time to smoke a bowl for good ol' Charlotte.

My hat's off to ye.

[Capt. Zigzag]

Just lost my sister. She was all that to me as well.

Be a comfort to your family.

-

[Kryzco]

I'm sorry for your loss

but she is in a better place now

I send my condolences to you and your family

[Dro_Princess]

So sorry to hear this. Ill keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

[tootsie roll]

:(
'
'
'
Your post was so beautiful birdgirl and an honor to Bess. So very moving.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

God Bless You Bess, may you sing with the angels.

[zephyrinne]

I'm sorry to hear that.. my thoughts go out to you and your family.

My step-dad is battling terminal esophagial/lung cancer, and about 4 weeks ago the docs gave him 3 months to live. I've been driving 3 hours home every weekend to see him and spend time with him. I know the sadness and pain you're going through.. but you just have to remember the good times you had with her.

[Breukelen advocaat]

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. That was a beautiful memorial, and my condolences and thoughts are with you during this very painful time.

[mamma puffpuff420]

im so sorry 4 ur lose
and if she was even half as sweet and kind as u birdgirl
she was 1 heck of a great woman
please rest peacefully 2 nite
knowing ur sis is with God now
teaching the little angels
she's not completly gone
u carry her in ur heart

[Reefer Rogue]

I will certainly tell my family I love them. Birdgirl, I'm so sorry for your loss, having never personally experianced a death to a close friend or family member. R.I.P

[yoda]

im sorry birdgirl, RIP

[LuckyNiner]

If she was anything like you, I am sure she was a boon to this earth.

Message-board condolences from someone you have never met cannot and will not mean much; nevertheless, I understand what this kind of loss is, as I have lost a loved one to a long and painful end at the hands of cancer as well. I know many of us have.

Language is far too limited for me to express it.

[dryst]

theres something about ur post's...deep

but this one is beatiful...im sorry for ur loss :(

[Greenport]

He takes the best of people, quite a shame. I am sorry ;(

[LIP]

Im sorry to hear Bess passed on, but now she'll be in the most comfort possible. I dont normally think of God, or pray to him, but tonight, my prayers are with you and your family, and of corse Bess.

I hope your doing well, and so is everyone else. If i could, you know i'd come and pay my repects, and i mean that, the highest respect.

Today i'll be thinking of you all.

Take care, and most of all, remember that one day everyone will be together with the most happiness possible.

Much love, Alex.

[The Figment]

My Condoleances to you and your family.If there is anything I can do,jus let me know.

[Abattoir Dream]

damn, thats gotta be tough, i dont know what i'd do if i lost my older brother, hes just like that, teacher, guider, protector kinda guy, and if i lost him, i'd be angry, confused, lost, etc, but you seem to be alot stronger than that, and maybe, just maybe, you got your strength from her, maybe shes up their now cheerin you on, lets hope so eh?

just quickly had a moment of pure genius, lol i got a plant with medicinal traits, and it has no name.... and i really feel moved by this...

As you wish birdgirl, i will practice being nice, and will love alot more, we all just need to remember how precious life really is..

[Cassiopiea]

Im so sorry birdgirl, I lost my granfather to a long term illness last year too and its just horrible.

My condolences to you and your family.

[PigSnout]

I'm sorry for your loss.

[Psycho4Bud]

Hello my friend,

Glad to hear the suffering has stopped and also sad for your loss. Take care and todays good Karma is for Bess.

Have a good one!:thumbsup:

[Torog]

Howdy birdgirl,

I'm so sad to hear of yer loss,our prayers are with you always !

You are so right to point out,that we need to tell our friends and family,that we do love them,while we still can..and to always look for ways to help those less fortunate and in need of a random act of kindness.

God bless yer sister and you and your's,and may He give y'all the strength and wisdom,to carry on. :) Amen

May you have a good one ...

[napolitana869]

I'm sorry that this has happened to your family birdgirl, I believe that she must be in a much better place now though. Good luck staying strong during such a painful time.

[JR77]

Hi Birdgirl - I am so sorry to hear about your sister...Hopefully your memories of her will comfort you a little...She is not gone, she will always be with you forever - in your heart. Take care....

[Bong30]

Emily,
We knew it was coming. It doesnt make it easier. If i could go with my family all around, all the love she felt. You made the best of the worst, and you will be rewarded.

Rest in Peace Bess......You are in a Better place now. Im glad you are not suffering any longer.

Hang in there, chin up
Love
Adam

[daima]

Many of you whoâ??re familiar with me know that my familyâ??s been in the long, painful process of losing my older sister to ovarian cancer in recent months. Bess died very early this morning, surrounded by our family. She fought a courageous battle against her cancer for nearly five years, and her terminal condition only became clear within the last four months or so as the disease spread to her brain.

Itâ??s very hard for me to write about the type of person she was right now. But if youâ??ve ever known someone who was an ideal combination of spirit, beauty, and intelligence, that was Bess. She taught me as much or more about how to value life, respect others, and love from the bottom of my heart than any other person on this earth. She wasnâ??t just my older sister but also my oldest and best friend, my favorite role model, and my first â??teacher.â?� My parents say she was so delighted to find herself with a baby sister when she was 6 that she played school with me from the time my infant carrier could be propped upright. She was determined to knock some sense into my head, and she grew up to be a career teacher. Iâ??ve clearly grown up to be a perpetual student. Still a troublesome one, too.

Thanks and much love to the many of you whoâ??ve conveyed well wishes, prayers, and good thoughts over these last months as Iâ??ve been facing this. I apologize to others of you for whom this news comes as a surprise or who don't know me. It was often awkward at best to directly mention the fact that she was dying, and it was frequently a much-needed emotional break for me to simply come to the boards and play, discussing other subjects. It was Bessâ?? last rounds of chemo this past summer that led me to this site, looking for information regarding medical mj. Cannabis gave her some of the most pleasant, chemo-symptom-free time she had early last summer, and Iâ??ll never regret helping make that possible. The only thing I regretâ??and this makes me mad as heck when I think about itâ??is that we had to break the law to do so. That, to me, is the real crimeâ??that in our state and still far too many other states and countries, people who need medical cannabis are denied safe, legal access to it.

If youâ??re so inclined, hereâ??s a way you can honor my sister. Please tell your family or friends that you love them tonight. Then tell them again tomorrow. Then keep telling them that for the rest of your days. Practice random acts of kindness whenever you can. And work hard at being nice to other people. Some make this a very challenging thing to do, I know. But when you think about it, theyâ??re nearly always the ones who need our kindness far more than the ones who make it easy. These were lessons I learned from my sister Bess.

I may not be online very frequently during the next three days, but Iâ??ll check in when I can. Just as an FYI for the detectives among you, weâ??re not running any notices in the online Dallas-area news sites anytime soon, if ever. Weâ??ve been in touch personally with everyone who needs to know the details of her services, and this decision not only helps protect our privacy but also helps prevent us from being generously over-loved by my husbandâ??s very dear current and former patients, many of whom are senior citizens with limited means.

Take care, everyone. Much love and light to each of you and yours tonight.

"When it seems like the night will last forever
and there's nothing left to do but count the years
when the strings of your heart start to sever
and stones fall from your eyes, instead of tears"
rh
dai*ma:stoned:
This might sound strange, but when my wife died i found comfort watching leaves fall from trees:(

[buddymyfriend]

Hey Birdgirl, im so sorry for your loss. I know what it's like to lose someone thats not just who they are but so much more. Someone thats your confident, your friend, your role model your inspiration. I just hope you can find the strength you need to move on and remember your sister in a positive way, which im sure you'll do.

My thoughts are with you and your family

Peace

Chris

[BabySnookums]

i'm so sorry for your loss, my sistah....but at the same time relieved....relieved that her long bout of suffering has ceased...finally she will know no more pain....and she is at the peace she has always deserved. its tough for those of us left behind...but knowing that the ones we hold dearest don't hurt anymore is what keeps us going.
my thoughts are with you

[Zandor]

I too am sorry to hear about your loss.

[justinsane]

peace be with you and yours

[Dave Byrd]

Hello, my Birdwife. I thought I'd sneak in here and surprise you. You left the house about an hour ago, and I was eager to see what you'd written here. Nice tribute to Bessie, honey. You have some very caring friends here, clearly.

Em, I love you so much and I'm so proud of how you've handled these last few months. Really this last year. You have to stop thanking me for "taking Bess into your home." Last time I checked, it was your home, too. Your family have been my family now for almost 24 years. Watching you take care of her in these last weeks and months has been like seeing you as a new mother all over again, so caring and gentle. You amaze me. You also worry me. You've been burning the candle at three or four ends for too long, and I'm worried about your own health right now. You're bone-dead tired and running on caffeine, nervous energy and little else. We need to talk about you resting more and eating more, too.

OK, Birdlove, that's what I wanted to say. Excellent tribute to Bess, babe. I remember hearing your mom tell those stories about her playing teacher with you as an infant. I would love to have seen that. See you this afternoon.

[Bong30]

Dave you are a great Man...(looks Dave in Eye and shakes his Hand)

BG you got a keeper.....listen to him, time to take care of your self.


Tears running down my cheek....

[thcbongman]

My condolences. It's saddens me to see another loss to cancer, especially since I know how it feels to go through such pain, taken away from the people that love her and she loves. My prayers are with you, and stay healthy and celebrate your sister's life, I'm sure that's the way she would've wanted it.

Best wishes.

[friendowl]

you are a good sister birdgirl
everyone should be so lucky to have someone like you

[Cheery Cherry]

*HUGS*. I'm sorry. :(

That's how my mom passed away too...ovarian cancer. She was only 50 years old.

It'll take some time for pain to subside but it never goes away. Keep talking about your sister with your family, friends, and everyone. Keep the memory alive....don't let anyone forget who she was...including yourself because as time goes by, people forget the details...

[Its a Plant]

Keep your head up birdgirl.

I'm sorry you have to go through this, and I wish your grieving process to be as painless as possible. At least she's no longer suffering. Eternal peace is with her, and I wish it be with you as well. No one should have to go through this, especially you. After reading your husband's post, I'm starting to worry about you. Take care of yourself, emotionally and physically, and remember we're all ALWAYS here for you, night or day. Thanks so much for being there for me with my dad (who actually just sent me his first letter from rehab). It means a lot to have people care, even if those people are millions of miles away. Words are a lot more powerful than what one might assume. Please, please, hang in there. Much love to you and yours. ~

[tootsie roll]

Hello, my Birdwife. I thought I'd sneak in here and surprise you. You left the house about an hour ago, and I was eager to see what you'd written here. Nice tribute to Bessie, honey. You have some very caring friends here, clearly.

Em, I love you so much and I'm so proud of how you've handled these last few months. Really this last year. You have to stop thanking me for "taking Bess into your home." Last time I checked, it was your home, too. Your family have been my family now for almost 24 years. Watching you take care of her in these last weeks and months has been like seeing you as a new mother all over again, so caring and gentle. You amaze me. You also worry me. You've been burning the candle at three or four ends for too long, and I'm worried about your own health right now. You're bone-dead tired and running on caffeine, nervous energy and little else. We need to talk about you resting more and eating more, too.

OK, Birdlove, that's what I wanted to say. Excellent tribute to Bess, babe. I remember hearing your mom tell those stories about her playing teacher with you as an infant. I would love to have seen that. See you this afternoon.

zay gezundt = BLESS YOU Dr. Dave. Birdgirl is so lucky to have a husband such as yourself. Please take care of her and her parents and aunt.....as I so know you will.

Love,
Kimby...aka Tootsie

[tootsie roll]

you are a good sister birdgirl
everyone should be so lucky to have someone like you


AMEN friendowl......AMEN!

[the image reaper]

very sorry to hear of your loss ... prayers for you and yours ...

[tootsie roll]

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.






:source:http://www.businessballs.com/donotstandatmygraveandweep.htm
That poem helped me a lot after my daddy died.:(

[Skink]

Ovarian cancer took my Mom and now it's trying to take my Sister in law,,,I know the road all to well...

pain and suffering is over for the deceased and we are left with our emotions and conscience... I have a sound conscience and I am sure you do too... emotions need time,,, god bless...

[xcrispi]

God Bless B/G 73 , Dave and the rest of your family .
Peace Xcrispi :(

[crudemood]

I'm sorry to hear Birdgirl. My condolences.
Beyond the door theres peace I'm sure.
Rest In Peace.
She is definately in a better place now.

[Cheery Cherry]

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.






:source:http://www.businessballs.com/donotstandatmygraveandweep.htm
That poem helped me a lot after my daddy died.:(

That is a beautiful poem. I wish I had it when my mom passed away...it really makes me look at things differently. It's funny how small things can mean so much to a person. Thanks for sharing.

[d00d989]

sorry for your loss
:(

[Kid Dynamite]

my grandfather passed away 2 years ago from cancer, and my gilfriends grandmother passed away a week or so ago from cancer as well, so it has bought it all back for me.

Your sister was too young to die, but cancer does not discriminate and can affect anybody. I feel for you birdgirl, and my thoughts are with you and your family through this hard time.

[birdgirl73]

Oh my goodness, everyone who's written messages, sent prayers, sent love and good wishes, chins up, heads up, poems and songs, you all make me cry right now, but it's a good cry. I love you guys. Thank you for your words and kindness. I'll write more later, if I can. I'm kinda wiped out right now. We had the funeral home "event" tonight, the visitation. I think I was pretty much face to face with everyone I've ever known, trying to shake hands and be hugged and kissed and attempt to be gracious. And all I really wanted to do was go sit in an empty, quiet corner, hide my face, and sob gut-wrenching, heaving sobs till I cried myself out. Not a good night for me. And tomorrow's going to be worse, I fear.

Thanks, y'all.

Dave, honey, thanks to you, too. I loved your message and it was a nice surprise. But not all that big a surprise. You were loitering an awful long time at the desk drawer this morning, complaining about having lost your password paper, and you gave yourself away. I knew when I left the house that you were either about to shop for something or come on here, you goof. One of these days you're gonna remember that I always know when you're up to something. I love you, too, baby.

[tootsie roll]

"God plucks the flowers for His garden
when they are most beautiful."




They say that time heals, but that is only partly true. For if time truly healed, we would forget, and that we will never do."





Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free,

I'm following paths God made for me

I took his hand, I heard him call

Then turned, and bid farewell to all



I could not stay another day

To laugh, to love, to sing, to play

Tasks left undone must stay that way

I found my peace ... at close of play



And if my parting left a void

Then fill it with remembered joy

A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss

Ah yes, these things I too will miss.



Be not burdened... deep with sorrow

I wish you sunshine of tomorrow

My life's been full I've savoured much

Good friends, good times

A loved one's touch/



Perhaps my time seemed all too brief

Don't lengthen it now with grief

Lift up your heart and share with me,



The joy of love and life - for now I'm free

[tootsie roll]

That day I had to leave you, when my life on earth was through, God picked
me up and hugged me and said
"I have big plans for you" "I need you here so badly, as part of my big plan, there's so much that we have to do to help our mortal man"
Then God gave me a list of things, he wished me to do, and foremost on that list of mine, is to watch and care for you.
To you, my dearest family, some things I'd like to say, but first of all to let you know that I arrived o.k.
I'm writing this from heaven, where I dwell with God above.
Where there's no more tears or sadness, there is just eternal love.
Please do not be unhappy, just because I'm out of sight, remember that I'm with you every morning, noon and night.
When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving years because your only human, they are bound to bring you tears.
But do not be afraid to cry, it does relieve the pain.
Remember there would be no flowers unless there was some rain.
I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned but if I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand.
But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth is o'er I am closer to you now than I ever was before.
And to my very many friends; trust God knows what is best. I'm still not far away from you, I'm just beyond the crest.
There are rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb, but together we can do it, taking one day at a time.
It was always my philosophy and I'd like it for you too, that as you give unto the world, so the world will give to you.
If you can help somebody, who's in sorrow or pain, then you can say to God at night, my day was not in vain.
And now I am contented that my life it was worthwhile, knowing as I passed along the way, I made somebody smile.
So if you meet somebody, who is down and feeling low, just lend a hand to pick him up, as on your way you go.
When you are walking down the street, and you've got me on your mind, I'm walking your footsteps, only half a step behind.
And when you feel that gentle breeze or the wind upon your face, that's me giving you a great bug hug, or just a soft embrace.
And when it's time for you to go from that body to be free, you're not going, you are coming here to me.
And I will always love you, from that land way up above, will be in touch again soon.
Ps God sends his love


((((((:( ))))))

[birdgirl73]

Hey, Tootsie. Thanks for the poems, my friend. Hope you're well.

Well, the services are over. We're back from a fast-turn afternoon trip to Louisiana for the burial (we flew, luckily). As a whole, today was another awful day, at least for me, but not quite as bad as yesterday evening at the funeral home. Today, at least, I managed to get through the two services without wanting to scream and run weeping from the room. And I've also had a bit more sleep, which helps me be less of a basket case. It seems like it's been almost a month just since Thursday morning when she passed. And it's only been two days. Amazing.

So now the rest of my life begins. Without my sister. I'm not sure I can face that.

[tootsie roll]

Hey, Tootsie. Thanks for the poems, my friend. Hope you're well.

Well, the services are over. We're back from a fast-turn afternoon trip to Louisiana for the burial (we flew, luckily). As a whole, today was another awful day, at least for me, but not quite as bad as yesterday evening at the funeral home. Today, at least, I managed to get through the two services without wanting to scream and run weeping from the room. And I've also had a bit more sleep, which helps me be less of a basket case. It seems like it's been almost a month just since Thursday morning when she passed. And it's only been two days. Amazing.

So now the rest of my life begins. Without my sister. I'm not sure I can face that.

You're more then welcome my friend. I realize how much you wanted to run screaming from that room......I did too. I'm glad you were able to get through it as hard and heartbreaking as it was. Your poor parents must be wrecked too.:(
Time will be animated for some time to come. It's weird.
Don't forget to keep talking to Bess and light candles. I believe a lot of things and when you are feeling better, we'll talk about some of them. I hope Dr. Dave is taking good care of you right now. I'm glad your sleeping cuz I know you need it. Make yourself eat too.

I get signs. With me, it's dimes. Kind of odd but it is what it is. Sometimes, I'll find one and sometimes I'll find a small pile. Today I was feeling a bit down, walked out to the berry patch and when I looked down, there staring up at me was a shiney thing. I picked it up and not only was it a dime, it was a liberty dime. It was just there and believe me that garden has been used heavily this year and it would have been noticed before today. I smiled, said Thank You and went and put it in the huge jar with the rest. Ya know, I'd been asking for at least quarters, maybe the liberty dime was a sign.:o

[birdgirl73]

I look forward to receiving signs and hope they'll come. I'd find the idea of signs emotionally comforting even if the intellectual part of me will need to categorize them as simple coindicences. Amazing how events like these put us on such a different spiritual plane. For some reason, my intuition tells me to look for signs in either birds or flowers.

Yeah, my parents are wiped out. They looked about 95 years old when we left their house earlier after everyone got home from the airport tonight. In reality, they're 73 and quite active and youthful, normally. This is the worst thing they've ever been through, and that's true for me, too. I think they can survive it with time. I wish our son could stay home from school longer than just till Monday, when he goes back, because he's a great comfort to them. Funnny how a grandchild, even a grown one, helps switch the focus back to life and the future. He'll be back in a couple of weeks for Thanksgiving.

Everyone seems overly worried about me, to be honest, but I think that's just because the caregiving there at the end was so rough. I am tired, but Dave had it rough, too. He and I were taking turns sleeping on the daybed in her room for the last couple of weeks, switching duty at 2 or 3 a.m. The hospice aides were here during the day, but we covered deep nights ourselves. My internist called in a script for something to help me get to sleep, and I'm trying to make a conscious effort to eat. One of the neighbors brought over a huge pot of vegetable beef soup, and of all the tons of food people have been bringing for the last two days (really the last couple of weeks), that's been the best stuff. I'm going to remember that next time someone dies in a friend's family and either do your chicken soup or vegetable like this. I'm about to go have some more of that. I haven't gotten the nerve up to tell my husband yet that I'm 100% certain my heart rhythm (I have a history of atrial fibrillation) is out of whack again because he'll hit the roof and possibly also threaten to insist my doc hospitalize me, which is unnecessary, but I'm going to go see my own cardiologist on Monday after school and get that officially confirmed. I went ahead and put myself back on the necessary blood thinner I have to take during spells of a-fib.

So that's the story of how things stand right now with me. Sorry it's so long. I'm about to go have some soup and then go to bed. Later, Toots!

[Skink]

I did not read the hubby insert befor I posted,,,good thing you were not e-dating,,,LOLz...

No really,,, you are lucky,he sound like good support...

[birdgirl73]

Yeah, he's a good guy, Skink. And he's quite possibly the most avid American fan of your current avatar that ever lived. I do believe the man could sit happily for four solid hours and watch that young lady walk or do the stairstepper or whatever she's doing to give herself that visible upper-body movement. He practically goes into a trance when he catches sight of those bosoms. I'm perfectly willing for him to enjoy that view. Goodness knows he's never seen--or handled--a pair of "girls" like that on me.

[orangeman]

Wow, this is painful for me to read. I'm tired of reading about death. The only thing that makes me sad and mad in life and it can't be avoided, things are just insane. Sorry Birdgirl, I will pray for you and hope that you continue to be alright.

[MyMARYJANE]

sorry to hear about your sister. hang in there.

[Ruairi.X]

Im sorry to hear of your recent loss. Good people are always missed. Heart, mind and soul.

[dopesmoker]

ascending to heaven
angels whispering their greetings
white light erasing the darkness
a new age, a new life begins
all rejoin in the end

[Skink]

Yeah, he's a good guy, Skink. And he's quite possibly the most avid American fan of your current avatar that ever lived. I do believe the man could sit happily for four solid hours and watch that young lady walk or do the stairstepper or whatever she's doing to give herself that visible upper-body movement. He practically goes into a trance when he catches sight of those bosoms. I'm perfectly willing for him to enjoy that view. Goodness knows he's never seen--or handled--a pair of "girls" like that on me.

She has a pretty smile is all...

[TheGreenFog]

My condolences to you and yours. I can't believe it took me this long to notice this thread. I'm sorry for your loss.

We're all with ya.

Rest in peace, Bess.

:rasta:

TGF

[tootsie roll]

Hi BG, are you here? I'm wondering how today went and if theres a way we can chat. Don't make me worry about you.:sadcrying

I

[birdgirl73]

Thanks, everyone, for your continued kind messages. Tootise, I sent you a little message, as you'll discover.

I'm OK today. Yesterday was rough as could be. Cried on and off all day. Then last night, I just felt furiously angry, which almost scared me because the emotion was so strong. I did a little therapeutic screaming to let off some steam (screamed into a pillow in the far end of the house) and then went to bed and and tossed and turned all night. What I really wanted to do was drive a blue pickup truck through the front of a glass building, emerge from the cab, and begin shooting everything in sight. A punching bag would also have come in handy.

Somehow today was better. Felt more like myself again. Returned to school (I only missed parts of two days of school through all this) and made it through that, and my psychopathology professor told me the anger was a normal part of the course of grief. Evereyone was very nice to me. I got to my own cardio doc this afternoon on the way home and had the return of my arrhythmia officially confirmed. No surprises there. Got a gentle lecture on resting more and gaining back some weight slowly so as not to further stress my heart.

Then tonight I realized one of the few good things that has come of all this is the fact that, after three months, I finally have my house back to myself. No more hospice workers coming in and out. No more nurses and pharmaceutical/medical equipment deliveries. No more lingering death vigil attendees (I love my parents, my younger sister, my aunt, my cousins, and the rest of my family, but I was ready to have some privacy again). The silence, I believe, is going to be the most healing thing. I also find it haunting at times, but mostly I like it.

So that's the update for now. My professor told me to expect an emotional roller coaster for a while, which makes me uneasy since my normal state is fairly steady and sunny, but I've got to get through this and feel it and express it and let it work its way out. So I shall.

I miss my sister like crazy. (Time to cry some more.)

[daima]

Many of you whoâ??re familiar with me know that my familyâ??s been in the long, painful process of losing my older sister to ovarian cancer in recent months. Bess died very early this morning, surrounded by our family. She fought a courageous battle against her cancer for nearly five years, and her terminal condition only became clear within the last four months or so as the disease spread to her brain.

Itâ??s very hard for me to write about the type of person she was right now. But if youâ??ve ever known someone who was an ideal combination of spirit, beauty, and intelligence, that was Bess. She taught me as much or more about how to value life, respect others, and love from the bottom of my heart than any other person on this earth. She wasnâ??t just my older sister but also my oldest and best friend, my favorite role model, and my first â??teacher.â?� My parents say she was so delighted to find herself with a baby sister when she was 6 that she played school with me from the time my infant carrier could be propped upright. She was determined to knock some sense into my head, and she grew up to be a career teacher. Iâ??ve clearly grown up to be a perpetual student. Still a troublesome one, too.

Thanks and much love to the many of you whoâ??ve conveyed well wishes, prayers, and good thoughts over these last months as Iâ??ve been facing this. I apologize to others of you for whom this news comes as a surprise or who don't know me. It was often awkward at best to directly mention the fact that she was dying, and it was frequently a much-needed emotional break for me to simply come to the boards and play, discussing other subjects. It was Bessâ?? last rounds of chemo this past summer that led me to this site, looking for information regarding medical mj. Cannabis gave her some of the most pleasant, chemo-symptom-free time she had early last summer, and Iâ??ll never regret helping make that possible. The only thing I regretâ??and this makes me mad as heck when I think about itâ??is that we had to break the law to do so. That, to me, is the real crimeâ??that in our state and still far too many other states and countries, people who need medical cannabis are denied safe, legal access to it.

If youâ??re so inclined, hereâ??s a way you can honor my sister. Please tell your family or friends that you love them tonight. Then tell them again tomorrow. Then keep telling them that for the rest of your days. Practice random acts of kindness whenever you can. And work hard at being nice to other people. Some make this a very challenging thing to do, I know. But when you think about it, theyâ??re nearly always the ones who need our kindness far more than the ones who make it easy. These were lessons I learned from my sister Bess.

I may not be online very frequently during the next three days, but Iâ??ll check in when I can. Just as an FYI for the detectives among you, weâ??re not running any notices in the online Dallas-area news sites anytime soon, if ever. Weâ??ve been in touch personally with everyone who needs to know the details of her services, and this decision not only helps protect our privacy but also helps prevent us from being generously over-loved by my husbandâ??s very dear current and former patients, many of whom are senior citizens with limited means.

Take care, everyone. Much love and light to each of you and yours tonight.

Good Morning BG,
i just wanted to check in and see how you are doing.
When things get rough, and you find yourself missing your sister, i would like you to imagine that she is in a place where it is always safe and warm.
I do that with my wife and it seems to make all the difference in the world.

dai*ma:stoned:

[birdgirl73]

Hello, Daima, my friend. I'll try that trick where I imagine her as safe and warm and see if that helps. I can't tell you how much I've thought about what you said earlier as I'm seeing leaves fall off the trees. That's only just beginning right now in Texas.

I'm very low tonight, I'm afraid. I'm swinging between hopelessly depressed and sad, violently angry, and numb. I can't concentrate. I'm having bad dreams. It's just the very fresh grief, I'm sure. But I'm not myself and I wish I felt more normal right now. Thank you for inquiring. Just going through the fire right now, I think. And tonight's not been a good one. Wish I could report better news, but that's where I am right now. Hugs to you, Daima. Wish you were here to give me a real one. I'd could use it.

[daima]

Hello, Daima, my friend. I'll try that trick where I imagine her as safe and warm and see if that helps. I can't tell you how much I've thought about what you said earlier as I'm seeing leaves fall off the trees. That's only just beginning right now in Texas.

I'm very low tonight, I'm afraid. I'm swinging between hopelessly depressed and sad, violently angry, and numb. I can't concentrate. I'm having bad dreams. It's just the very fresh grief, I'm sure. But I'm not myself and I wish I felt more normal right now. Thank you for inquiring. Just going through the fire right now, I think. And tonight's not been a good one. Wish I could report better news, but that's where I am right now. Hugs to you, Daima. Wish you were here to give me a real one. I'd could use it.

If i may make a suggestion?
do not deny yourself your feelings.
they are yours, you own them, and there is nothing wrong with them.
As a cyber friend..i dont want just all the good new. I want the bad, the ugly, ...all of it. You are very normal. I would be concerned if you werent feeling the feelings you are feeling.
dai*ma:stoned:

[Skrappie]

I am happy to hear she is no longer in pain

[daima]

I'm so sorry that you lost someone so meaningful in your life. But it sounded like you had a very strong relationship and I'm sure she lives on inside you:) I'll certainly be smoking one for her and will be sending a prayer your way.

you're a good kid, kidd.:thumbsup:

dai*ma:stoned:

[birdgirl73]

If i may make a suggestion?
do not deny yourself your feelings.
they are yours, you own them, and there is nothing wrong with them.
As a cyber friend..i dont want just all the good new. I want the bad, the ugly, ...all of it. You are very normal. I would be concerned if you werent feeling the feelings you are feeling.
dai*ma:stoned:
Hey again, Daima. I promise I'm not denying the feelings. I'm mature enough and have done enough work on myself that I know how to identify, feel and express them. I'm just a little wiped out because the volume of emotion right now is so strong and because I can't sleep while this is so intense. I feel like a crazy person right now. I know I have to go through this to get to the other side. But I certainly wish I had my ability to concentrate back . . . . that's the aspect of the "old me" that I miss the most.

[smok3y]

Really sorry to hear that.. She's in a better place now, looking down on you and your family...
My condolences to you and your family... May Bess rest in peace

[phoenix]

Hey birdgirl,

I'm sorry to hear about your loss, I hope you're doing well (as much as circumstances allow), but maybe it was just her time, you know? It seems like you made her last years as comfortable as possible, try to be happy in that.:)

Cheers,
Max

[Binzhoubum]

Hey Birdgirl,

I just caught this post. I am sorry to hear about your loss. Hope to see you online again sometime in the near future.

Best, peace, and love,

Binzhoubum

[birdgirl73]

Hey, Binzhou! Good to see you here. I'm doing OK. This post is now more than two weeks old, and I really only linked it there on my message to MJitC because she'd been in on the happenings as far back as early last summer, when we got medical mj for Bessie. Didn't mean to activate it again, really.

Thanks for the kind words. I'll survive. I'm having really rough days and fairly OK ones. Today was one of the latter, fortunately. Glad you're online tonight! I miss you, too!

[MaryJaneintheCloset]

Birdgirl, I am so very sorry... I know the death of your sister is a tremendous loss to you. I will be keeping you in my thoughts... much love to you!