Chuck Norris joke thread.....

[Damon32]

Lets do this.......

Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer.

Too bad he's never cried.

[Damon32]

ok another............

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Cmon' yo' these jokes are everywhere.

[SmokingPlatypus]

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isnâ??t lifting himself up, heâ??s pushing the Earth down.
Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. <--my favorite
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Those are some of my favorites. When you play WoW, people list these off ad nauseum. There's even a mod that someone made where you can type /chuck and your character says one of the hundreds of Chuck Norris jokes out there.

[Captain Jack Sparrow]

Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris!

LMAO

[Damon32]

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

[graph]

You know what's cool about Chuck Norris?

Nothing, really. He runs an anti-drug campaing now called Kickstart, tries to keep kids from drugs through martial arts. Kinda lame when you really think about it. In fact, Walker Texas Ranger wasn't even that good of a show. Besides, I think the internet fad's about gone now, so Chuck Norris can slip back into obscurity. Why am I always the one who has to be honest?

[Empire]

Chuck Norris can drink a gallon of milk in 37 seconds.

[Damon32]

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did

[SmokingPlatypus]

In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat and/or ugly.

Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."

MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.

Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.


It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.

Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.

Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark. <-- that one rocks

Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.

One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

I'm stoned and crying I'm laughing so hard at these. :rasta:

[yoda]

chuck norris challenged lance armstrong to a contest of who has more testicles.....chuck norris won by 5

[dryst]

n an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

my fav :)

[Kryzco]

lmao

i don't care how out of style chuck norris jokes are

these still crack me up

[SocksThaClown]

Chuck Norris doesn't need weapons.. He just has to think about killing you.

[Kenn]

WHO THE FUCK IS CUCK NORRIS???

[SocksThaClown]

WHO THE FUCK IS CUCK NORRIS???

Do you mean Chuck Norris? If so, Chuck Norris is an American actor. He played the part of 'Walker Texas Ranger'

[Damon32]

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits......

[jokeyjokejoke]

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.




Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. (Brilliant)

[hempilation311]

WHO THE FUCK IS CUCK NORRIS???


the guy who's gonna roundhouse kick you in a few seconds for spelling his name wrong

[Lethal G]

WHO THE FUCK IS CUCK NORRIS???

the guy who's gonna roundhouse kick you in a few seconds for spelling his name wrong
LMFAO. this convo's going in my siggy.

Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and makes a balloon animal out of it. He then crushes your skull with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.

[robert42]

lmfao i love chuck

[bigmac2169]

Chuck Norris is so badass, he eats rocks and shits lightning bolts

[usedchemicals]

Chuck Norris counted to infinity....twice.

Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man. He gave Jesus the gift of beard. Jesus wore it til the day he died. Due to obvious gift favoritism, the other three wise men omitted his name from the bible. Shortly afterwards, all three died of roundhouse related injuries.

[durban poison]

Chuck Norris sheds his dick 3 times a day. You may have seen some of it used as extras for Snakes On A Plane

[Mista Sippi]

chuck norris found osama bin laden 4 years ago

[robert42]

Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man. He gave Jesus the gift of beard. Jesus wore it til the day he died. Due to obvious gift favoritism, the other three wise men omitted his name from the bible. Shortly afterwards, all three died of roundhouse related injuries.


lmao by far the best one!

[Euphoric]

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris goes uphill skiing.


The Jihadists are pissed because they can no longer tell their recruits to expect 73 virgins in heaven. The best they can do now is 73 women who have already had sex with Chuck Norris.

[IanCurtisWishlist]

"because i am selfish and want a higher step in heaven, i want to move to idaho to establish my church where jesus christ will return with joseph smith and his many wifes, to take me and the people who have watched my movies to heaven. jesus christ and i are good friends but he knows who the real lord is. and in case YOU didn't know, the real lord is me, chuck norris--the one who brought you ought of the land of Egypt and who will deliver you from bordeom with such smash hits as Walker, Texas Ranger. THUS the lord has spoken."

--Quote from Chuck Norris during the 80's cocaine party, March 20th 1986. (drug psychosis got you down chuck?)